A Worshipful Heart

BAMA Football is About to Start!

WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT REALLY ABOUT WORSHIPING GOD - BUT YOU COULD SAY IT'S ABOUT WORSHIP SEASON IN ALABAMA!

I am so excited! College football season is about to start. I know that many wives dread this but I love spending Saturdays with my husband watching ballgames. We start our Saturday mornings with ESPN Game Day to see which "head" Lee Corso will put on and then proceed to watch EVERY college game that is on that day. It doesn't matter who it is, we watch them all! Phil calls January 1-4 the "most wonderful time of the year!" and watches sometimes two tvs at once. Tomorrow night we kick off the season with the LSU vs. Mississippi State game. My husband Phil attended LSU for a while and is a big Tiger fan but we would watch anyway.

I was weaned on BAMA football and attended my first game when I was 9 months old. I used to sit on the mailbox outside the old Student Center to watch the Homecoming Parade and I have strolled across the Quad more times than I can count always loving the sound of Bryant - Denny Chimes. In our family you learned to say "Mama", "Daddy" and "Roll Tide" - in that order. My grandmother was raised in Tuscaloosa and my grandfather was the first member of his family to attend college and he went to - you guessed it - Alabama. We lived on campus for a while in Rose Towers when I was a little girl and my mother's entire family all went to what my grandparents very seriously referred to as THE University. Obviously anyone would know which school they were talking about! We attended games every fall and listened to or watched every game. In the fall our schedules were determined by when Alabama was playing. I was so proud of my Bama jacket and shakers and the hat my grandmother made me to wear. Two big events of my childhood were attending the Orange Bowl and the Sugar Bowl. Alabama football was a SERIOUS thing in our family. My father would not eat on the day of a big game because he got so nervous! You were never allowed to joke about being for another team unless you wanted to risk being asked to leave the room. And we NEVER watch the Alabama-Auburn with Auburn fans - this is serious business and no time for socializing with the "enemy"! When my first cousin decided to attend the Univeristy of Florida, my uncle said "Go ahead, but my money only goes to Tuscaloosa!". Phil knows that I truly loved him because I gave up attending THE University to stay home, marry him and attend UAH! When our son Philip went down to T-town for orientation I called my grandmother to tell her something and she said "We are so proud of Philip!" - just for attending U of A. I had to laugh! So you see, college football, and Alabama football is truly a part of my heritage.

Here I am in my Bama jersey with Granny and Mama Boyd, my great grandmother!

Watching Alabama play is about so much more than a game to me. When I watch the crimson and white and hear that fight song (I knew all the words from early on) I remember so many happy memories with those I love - special trips with my grandparents, Saturday afternoons in front of the tv with a bowl of popcorn, playing on the quad, getting autographs of players, playing on the Quad, wearing my Bama jersey, and hugs and kisses from Phil for TDs or interceptions!  (maybe this is the best part of watching the games together?) And I always think of my family - I know that they too are gathered around the tv or radio cheering the Tide on to victory!   I am sad to say that we have not passed along this love to my daughter Maria. We did try - dressing her in cute little Bama jerseys and hairbows, but I have to say that we failed. So sad! She used to actually be embarrassed to have friends over on Bama game days because of the yelling and screaming and jumping around. (those of you who think Phil is quiet should see him watch a ballgame) I remember her telling one startled friend as they walked in the front door (obviously not raised in a football home) "It's okay - they're not yelling at you." I think she thinks we are pitiful and feels sorry for us!

I suppose some of you will read this and think "that's idolatry!". Well, I have certainly been known to pray during an Alabama game. I am certain that it was prayer that helped us win the National Championship in 92 - I was certainly on my knees! I have no idea if God cares or even if it is entirely appropriate, but I pray anyway because I don't think God is offended. However, for me, it is the sense of family history, shared experiences and the joy of being with those I love that most make Alabama football special for me. It's fun now to attend games with my husband and sons and sometimes my mom. We have a great time hoopin' and hollerin' together and those moments together are great memories.

Alabama football makes me feel at home - it's like comfort food for my soul, reminding me of family and happy times and many afternoons just having fun with those I love.

Enjoy a little fun this fall and ROLL TIDE ROLL!

Words

I love words. (quit laughing) I love to hear someone express their heart, I love to share myself with others through words, I love to write, and I love to read. Words, whether verbal or written, offer a window into the soul. Through words we can begin to understand one another. When someone shares we can get a glimpse of their personality, their history, what they are passionate about, what they find amusing, and even perhaps their joys and pains. With words we have the opportunity to express who we are to those around us - with words we paint a picture of our inner self. You might say that through our words we have the opportunity to be known. I still maintain that to know and be known is one of the greatest needs of the human soul. We long to be fully known and STILL fully loved.

And therein lies a great vulnerability. As we share ourselves with others honestly and openly (at least as much as we are able and as much as we ourselves know) we take a great risk. We can open ourselves up and be accepted, and hopefully eventually appreciated and loved. But we've all experienced the opposite - sharing ourselves and being rejected or scorned. So we learn to hide. We learn to say what is expected. Our souls learn to protect themselves and the sad result is that very few people ever truly get a glimpse of the real us. We paint a picture of ourselves but instead of that picture being vibrant with the bold colors of a soul fully experiencing and embracing life, it is a muted, boring print that is not beautiful, but it is safe. No one loves it but no one hates it either. If this is all we show of ourselves we do not risk the biggest thing of all, to be known and to be rejected.

I doubt that any of us can truly understand the power of our words. I said that I love words. I should say that I love words MOST of the time. I love the potential of words well spoken. I do not enjoy words misused. All of us have experienced the tearing pain of a harsh word from one we love. We have also all experienced the shame of hurting someone we love with our words. I read once that for every critical word we needed ten affirming comments to balance it out. We simply remember the negative more than the positive.

An encouraging word can be life changing. When someone compliments us sincerely or speaks lovingly to us it heals our soul. I personally save every encouraging card or email that I receive. A card is not a card (to me) without a note inside. I would rather have a well thought out note in a card than a gift anyday. There have been days I have gone back and read all of my cards to remember that I am loved and that someone does believe in me. (someone earthly that is!) I can remember key words spoken into my life at timely moments - the coach that took me around to sing at civic clubs, men's breakfasts and the like and always asked me as an adult "Are you still singing?", the friend who said "I think you would be good at leading worship for this Bible study. Why don't you give it a try?", my husband who looked at me and said "You are beautiful and I love you",  my friend who said "Don't give up, God is using you.", the advisor who said, "You need to learn to rest in God's love for you." and on and on. Every time someone cares to speak lovingly and encouragingly into my life God touches me in a special way - and oftentimes at a moment I needed it so desperately. At those moments, these loving words became encouraging "care packages" from God.

God's word says: An anxious heart weighs a man down, but a kind word cheers him up. (Proverbs 12:25)

Becoming a Private Worshiper

Our ministry team is reading "The Worshiping Artist" by Rory Noland. As I read this book I was challenged to take a closer look at my own journey and practices as a worshiper of God. As a worship leader I really do long to see and help others connect to God in a fresh, life giving way. I want to see our congregation turn their hearts to God and be transformed by being in His presence. I also really long to see my team member's relationships with Christ deepen as they turn the gaze of their heart on our Savior and live that out in every way possible. This is the heartbeat of what I long to see happen in worship ministry - spiritual transformation and obedience as we spend time worshiping God. My heart's desire is for us to be transformed into the image of Christ and as a result to be used for God's Kingdom purposes on this earth. I have really been praying about this lately but God prodded me again about the truth that it must begin with me. If I am not worshiping God on my own, in the secret places and making room for times of private worship in my own life, I will never be able to lead anyone else to worship God with their entire being and life. Obviously I cannot lead where I am not going. I must model this - not only the practice but the hunger and thirst for God's presence. I believe God most moves through us as others get a glimpse of what we are allowing Him to do in our hearts - as we open ourselves up to God, others, and then invite them to come along. God has shown me again and again that I also must lead and minister out of the overflow of those moments with God, not out of my own efforts and abilities, which would truly be a sad effort!

So how can I consistently live this out? How can I work this into my work week, my family time, my every day life? Well, first of all I have NOT got this figured out at all! But I am so desperately hungry for God to move in my brokenness and so I am on a quest, a journey if you will. I am learning at the feet of Christ. I'd like to share with you just some ways God is prodding me that are helping me live out my life with an awareness of God - maybe my experiences will help you.

The first change I am trying to make is to make my time with God the first conversation I have each morning - this was truly the invitation of God to my heart. "Talk to me first" was what I heard Him saying. In doing this I have tried to have a longer quiet time in the mornings and to allow myself to sit quietly in God's presence, just resting in His Spirit each morning and really focusing on what I heard God say and enjoying my time with Him. I've tried to really listen to the Spirit as I read scripture or some devotional reading and sit quietly with God in those precious moments when I hear His voice, to think deeply or journal instead of rushing through my "devotional to do list". I've tried to speak out loud His word and His praises as I do this and if I feel a longing to worship God physically by kneeling or bowing or opening my hands to Him, I try to stay true to that longing and allow the posture of my body to express the desire of my heart to God. If a word of praise comes to my lips and heart I just speak it out. I've learned not to think too hard about it, but just to flow as I would if I were loving on Phil or one of my children - just expressing my heart in love. I'm sure where you can see that solitude is an imperative ingredient of our times alone with God so that we can feel comfortable and at ease. I have also just started trying to stop every day at midday, close my office door and have a short time with God - even if it's just 10 minutes. I am praying through a psalm each day and just savoring each word and praising God in that moment. This "pause" in my day refocuses my heart. Robert Mulholland says in "Invitation to a Journey" that disciplining ourselves spiritually allows our lives to be held in a place where God can continue His work. That is what I desire as I try to be more faithful and purposeful in my private worship of God. I am just beginning. I have much to learn. I am growing and being stretched - but hopefully always towards God.

Won't you join me in the journey?

The Gifts of Friendship

There are so many different gifts of friendship. A listening ear, an understanding heart, practical help, a big hug or a shared laugh are all gifts of shared and treasured friendship. Our friends encourage us, see our potential and the beauty of how God made us, accept and soak up our tears, enjoy our company, laugh at our jokes, and generally share the journey of life with us through the valleys and as we climb the mountains and even as we - in moments of victory - look out onto the beautiful vistas before us. A shared journey is perhaps what most defines friendship because to share life is to share your heart. Is not any blessing in life that much sweeter when shared with a friend? Isn't any funny experience more hilarious if someone is there to laugh with you? Isn't any pain easier to bear with a friend's shoulder to lean on?

As an only child there is one lack in my life that I have become so aware of as an adult. I have no one much who shares my memories of my childhood. My parents do, but their remembrance is from a parental perspective. The same is true for other family members such as grandparents or aunts and uncles. When I see my kids laugh together about something from their childhool - including having them make fun at my expense - I feel a great pang of loneliness. I missed that. There is no one on earth that shared most of my childhood experiences - I was an only child, the oldest by far of the grandchildren and I grew up way out in the country with almost no children around to play with. Sometimes the thing I miss the most about not having a sister or brother is simply having no shared history with anyone, no one to laugh at the funny things about how I was raised, or to joke with about shared experiences. I don't have many peers that remember or knew me as a child. So shared experiences are precious to me. I don't take "making history together" for granted. I love to experience life together and to make memories with my friends because it is through those experiences that we are able to be known. And isn't being known and still being full loved one of our greatest desires and needs as human beings?

As an adult, I have been blessed to be surrounded by good friends - some currently in my life and some that are elsewhere now. I have so many memories etched in my heart - precious life moments that were sweeter or more bearable because of the company of a friend. Sharing life with a friend can make a black and white day "technicolor". I have one friend that I call when something funny occurs to me because she will always "get it" and laugh with me, even if no one else thinks it's funny. I have another friend that has known me since I was 19 and she was 12 - we have known one another in all the stages of our adult lives and lived through the changes together. There is a comfort and sweetness in that relationship like no other. She's loved me when I was 19 and she loves me now that I am 41 and understands my heart and my past - we don't have to explain anything to each other. We've shared so many different life experiences it would be easier to ask what haven't we shared! I had friends that drove to Birmingham on a Wednesday night and shared the very special experience of my ministry ordination service. They traveled, celebrated, and prayed. Their presence meant more to me than anything during that event in my life and they warmed my heart by being there. A friend took me to the ER last year and sat with me while Phil was out of town. Another set of friends traveled to be with me when my grandmother passed away and shared in that part of my life's story. I have some friends that I have sang with hundreds of times - and I love every minute of it still. From sharing in an adventure together like whitewater rafting to sharing tears together over a hurt or loss, the journey is just so much richer in the company of a friend. From birth to death, God graces our lives with the gift of friends to accompany us on the journey.

As believers we have an even greater opportunity to share a part of ourselves with one another. We get to share not only a physical journey here on earth but we get to share our spiritual journeys as well - our journeys of faith in Christ. It is great to get together and have fun, but how much more meaningful is it to worship together, to encourage one another in Christ, to challenge one another's faith and support one another as we seek God? And how infintely precious it is to be prayed for by a friend. I got an email today and a friend just out of the blue assured me of their prayers for me. That touched me in a deep way. I hadn't asked them to pray, but they knew I needed prayer and they love me enough to be sensitive to what is going on in my life right now. They cared and so they prayed. That is one of the greatest gifts of all from a friend.

I will go one step further and say that to have a friend to pray with you and over you is even sweeter. There have been moments in my life that I could not pray, I could not even form sentences. To have a friend wrap their arms around me and whisper their prayers on my behalf was such a blessing - in their embrace I felt loved and covered in peace. There have been other times I've just had the blessing of having someone put their hand on me and pray and that was powerful as well. This was what touched me most of all as I was ordained - having my family and friends come and pray over me. The prayers of a friend are a beautiful, comforting blanket that envelopes me in love. When we allow a friend to touch us and pray for us we show openness and trust and vulnerability - all indicators of a deep friendship. When we trust a friend we trust in God's goodness towards us and His loving purposes for us for friends are a gift from God alone for a "real friend sticks closer than a brother." (Prov. 18:24). As a friend lovingly touches me and lifts me up to God in prayer they give me an eternal gift and enter into my life where it truly matters.

My friends, thank you for praying for me. Thank you for caring. Thank you for loving me. I accept with thanksgiving your gifts of friendship.

I'm So Excited!

We are going to France! I am so thrilled about this opportunity and as we draw closer (only 3 1/2 weeks away now) I want to learn more and more. I have been to Paris once for about 3 hours - and my visit was confined to Orley Airport. We had a stopover there on our way to Israel in 1994, which seems like a lifetime ago. Obviously, this doesn't count! I have never seen any part of Europe before and I am busy looking up information on Paris, Versailles and Chamonix, an area of the French Alps we are going to visit on the weekend.

I can't wait to see the old houses and churches, the sites where history was made, places I've read about but never seen. I want to spend the morning in a cafe, drink chocolate and visit as many patisseries as I can! (Surely all the walking will work off the calories) I want to stroll down the cobblestone streets, sit in wonder in some old churches and spend some time in prayer, check out the little boutiques and shop for friends back home, and take lots and lots of pictures. I want to go to the top of the Eiffel Tower, take a boat tour down the Seine, climb to look out the top of Notre Dame, see the stained glass at Saint Chapelle and spend an afternoon gawking at the art treasures in The Louvre and Musee d'Orsay. I want to see the flower markets, hold my husband's hand and walk along the banks of the Seine, have lunch from a creperie stand and a picnic in Luxomberg Gardens. I want to see the view from Sacre Cour and buy a small oil painting or a beautiful perfume to remember my visit by. When we go to the Alps, I want to hike through an alpine meadow and take the cable cars all the way to Italy and see the glaciers up close, personal and soar above the clouds. I want to see the French countryside from a train (my first train ride!). I can't wait to experience all of this with my son Daniel, who will only be home with us for a couple of more years and my husband of 23 years, Phil. I want to see the look on their faces when we climb the Eiffel Tower and see the beautiful architecture of the old churches and tuck into a wonderful French pastry and go up, up, up Mont Blanc!

To experience a new place with a loved one is part of the magic and wonder of traveling. More than just seeing a new place, we make a memory together that unites our hearts forever. We discover something new, and experience life together in a fresh way. And I can't wait - to experience new things together, to see fresh vistas, to eat new kinds of food, to make new memories. I am thankful for the opportunity to see more of God's world. Hopefully we'll find clean bathrooms along the way!

A Glimpse of God

Isn't it amazing how a glimpse of God rights our perspective? I was sort of just wading through my day, moving from one thing to another, marking things off of my list, hoping to help everyone stay pretty happy and focused during rehearsal and WHAM! I was blessed by a glimpse of God.

Making music is like that for me alot of times. There is something about the blending of our voices and instruments that just clicks somedays, we can forget the technical stuff and my heart just soars in worship. Tonight I had one of those moments. (for those of you who lead worship you might recognize how difficult it can be to move into one of those times with God especially during a rehearsal) Rehearsal was going pretty well. We had worked on some new music, we didn't have too many rough spots, and had fun trying some new things. Then we began singing one of my favorite worship songs, "Revelation Song" (Gateway Worship - All for You). My heart is always moved as I consider the absolute truth of who God is and that song paints such a vivid picture of God reigning in heaven. As we literally began to sing verses from Revelation 4 and 5 and the activity or worship in heaven, I felt such a sense of awe, wonder and reverance for God. I began to truly worship, recognizing that I wasn't just singing some nice words, but filling my heart with the truth about the incredibly great and awesome God we serve and that LOVES ME. And as I focused the gaze of my life and heart on who God is, my life flipped back into perspective. I could actually hear it and sense it in my spirit.

Never ending to do lists, ongoing health problems, three kids in three different locations and a husband often in a fourth, schedules that keep changing, disagreements, concern about the future, even the sadness and grief over strained friendships all seem to at once reduce to their proper size. They were no longer looming in my face, seeming 50 feet tall and unsurmountable. I got a glimpse of GOD at His proper perspective and everything else was cut down to size. Even me, maybe especially me. I had one of those moments that I often do when I am blessed by a glimpse of God. I wanted to just get on my face before Him in acknowledgment that HE IS BIGGER, HE IS GREATER, HE IS GOD. I am not. There is no confusion here about that in this moment when I glimpse my Abba Father.

Why do I persist in believing that the world is about me? Why do you persist in believing the world is about you? We don't say that but we all sure do act like it so many times, even in our worry and unspoken fears, our demands, just the way we view circumstances and events and even the actions of others. Why do I forget that not only is God a great big God, but this world is a great big world and my part is so small and God's purposes are so eternal and certainly so much larger than me. Tonight as I gazed in awe at the God of the universe I remembered again that my God is a God I can choose to trust  - with myself, with my future, with my health, with my relationships, with the 100 insignificant things that filled my day today.

Tonight I took a moment to heed the advice of an old song:

Turn your eyes upon Jesus                                                                                                            Look full in His wonderful face                                                                                                        And the things of earth will grow strangely dim                                                                                   In the light of His glory and grace

"I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, "Look the home of God is now among His people! He will live with them and they will be His people. God Himself will be with them. He will remove all of their sorrows and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. For the old world and it's evils are gone forever." And the one sitting on the throne said "Look I am making all things new!" And then he said to me, "Write this down for what I tell you is trustworthy and true!". (Rev. 21:3-5)

"You are worthy O Lord our God, to receive glory and honore and power, For you created everything and it is for your pleasure that they exist and were created." (Rev. 4:11)

Turn your eyes upon Jesus my friend.

"Emotionally Healthy Spirituality"

I want to encourage you to read this book! I have hardly ever read a book that so greatly impacted my life. "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" is written from the personal experience of Peter Scazzaro, a pastor in Queens, New York and the ideas presented in this book are both fascinating and riveting. I actually read it on vacation and while I read it I journaled extensively, trying to dig into the concepts he presented in this book. I found it hard to put down.

The basic concept of this book is that you cannot be any more spiritually mature than you are emotionally mature and the author argues that many of the woes we encounter as Christians in our struggle for spiritual growth and in relationship with one another stem from this very problem - we have failed to learn from the past and to "grow up" emotionally.

This was fascinating to me and dovetailed so perfectly with other things God is teaching me about my own spiritual formation. Spiritual formation is not just knowledge of certain truths, and it is not simply an emotional moment with God, but it is a process that takes TIME and it also takes self awareness and bringing our whole selves to God. This takes being honest and open enough to squarely face our past, acknowledge how it has impacted our present and allowing God to bring healing. Scazzero really touches on many of these questions in this book as he presents a rule for life that is healthy for the long haul.

I would love to eventually get together with a group to re-read and work through this book together and if you have read it I'd love to discuss it together! You can click on the link on my sidebar to go to Amazon and buy the book. This is a MUST READ if you're longing to move forward into genuine spiritual transformation. If you've gone through the same problems again and again I urge you to read this. If you are in any position of church leadership I would go so far as to say that I think it is an imperative book for you. (also check out his companion book "The Emotionally Healthy Church")

It will take you on a journey of the heart!

God at Work Within

I've been absent from blogging for about a week and to be honest I've struggled to figure out what to write and share. I guess either my feelings are so deep I don't feel comfortable publishing them to the world via this blog, or everything else feels a bit trivial to me right now. I'm not interested in just writing for writing's sake at the moment. In the middle of big changes in my life, some straining of friendships and questions about the future I have struggled to stay afloat emotionally - tears are very close to the surface for me alot of days. I feel a great deal of grief and even pain and perhaps just plain exhaustion from the intensity of the journey lately. How do I make sense of what God is doing in my life during this time?

Tuesday I returned from one of my quarterly minister's retreats in Chicago. As I struggled to get there - my plane was delayed three different times three different ways - I thought that felt alot like my life lately. I desperately wanted to go away to rest in the presence of God, but I just couldn't seem to get away. When I finally boarded the plan (3 hours later than planned) I felt a sense of relief. That is, until the pilot came on and announced we had to sit on the tarmac for another hour. I felt a sense of panic, as if the tendrils of the stress I was trying to leave were winding their way around my legs, pulling me back. (I think there is some comic book villian that actually did this? I could so relate to how that felt!) As we took off I finally drew a deep breath and even dozed off. "On my way at last", I thought. Then the pilot once again announced a delay - and this time we were stuck up in the air, flying here and there around Chicago avoiding thunderstorms. Outside my window the clouds were stacked up, angry and black and full of lightening. While I wasn't terribly frightened, those storms were certainly keeping me from reaching my destination. The only thing I could really think at that time was that we had to eventually land somewhere and it would be closer to Chicago than when I started! But I was frustrated. I had missed the first evening of the retreat, I was exhausted and I still wasn't there. And I had paid alot of money to have this time away with God so that frustrated me as well! I just felt like my nerves were stretched taut. I was learning to be patient.

I mentioned that this trip felt alot like my life right now. It seems to go in fits and starts, through valleys and around unexpected bends and most of all, up some hills that I am unexperienced in climbing. I laughingly told a friend that I hoped I was building up spiritual muscle and stamina.

I say all of that to say this - strangely enough, through one of the most turbulent times in my life, I feel God at work within me in a very profound way. I feel Him peeling back the layers of my human defenses and operating on the depths of my heart. I don't always love it and it hurts sometimes, but I feel alive to God's purposes for me in a fresh way. Even though I find myself overcome by tears almost every time I get quiet and still in God's presence, I feel His Spirit at work in those times. In fact, I think that is why I cry. I sense Him speaking and moving and working. I don't have a huge word from Him, but I know He is not content to leave me where I am. So I have become discontented as well - in a positive way. I want to know God more and I want to move with Him no matter where that takes me. I am no longer content with going to church and floating through life. I want my life to matter and I want to be a part of God's work here on earth - I want to be an eyewitness to the His glory and to see Him move. I am hungry for God. I am thirsty for the sweetness of His presence. I long to see Him move.

So if the valleys, the hills, the muck and the mire are a part of moving with Him then I can live with that. My heart's desire has been reduced to something very simple - to rest in God's love for me, to be used for His purposes and oh, to know Him more. As a wise friend said, I know God will not waste this pain in my life and I trust that He will refine me as I walk through it till I am purer and stronger for His work and glory. My prayer right now is that God will meet me here, in the midst of the pain and the uncertainty, take my hand and walk with me through it. It's not going away and I don't suppose I want it to totally. In this place of the unknown in my life, I long simply to know God more. God, meet me here, in the midst of the chaos and uncertainty and stress and grief. God meet me here in my brokenness. I know it's where you do your best work.

Why I Retreat

I am leaving after church tomorrow to take part in my third pastor's retreat. Making time to go on retreat has become imperative for me because this time away for just me and the Lord is life giving. It has made a huge difference in my life and has given me some big breaths of spiritual air during difficult moments. It is never easy to make the time to go or to pay for the associated expenses but it is always worth it. Please pray for me while I am away. Pray that I will rest and recover some, but mostly that I will hear from God.

Last October I went to my first retreat geared specifically for those in ministry. As you know, I'm a people person but when I arrived and drove out an hour from Chicago and entered a retreat center full of strangers I almost bolted and ran. The thought of sharing my heart with strangers just terrified me. The retreat was held at a beautifully located retreat center by a lake deep in the Illinois woods. There were deer grazing right outside our buildings. The leaves were brilliant autumn colors - vivid scarlets, burnt oranges and more tender yellows. The sky was a crisp, clear, brilliant blue. Yet as I sat in that circle of strangers I was afraid, very afraid. I think I was afraid of what God would tell me, how He might dare to direct my steps. Yet at the same time I was desperate. I had gotten so down prior to this retreat that I was struggling to function well. I couldn't shake the grief and pain of the past few months. I felt unusable to God. I needed to have God do a work in my life.

God's word for me on that retreat was simply to wait. "Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him to act." (Ps. 37) is a verse He has led me to time and time again. I wanted a definitive word from God, but this was not the word that I expected. As we prayed the hours together as a group each day and as I spent many hours in solitude with the Lord, I felt myself relaxing into His love and into His presence. I came to be at peace with His command to me to wait. I spent many moments simply obeying God's word to "be still and KNOW that I am God". This was God's reminder that I was not in control and that He was. God is God and I am not - a timely reminder. And my whole being was refreshed by that time spent focusing on God. It was a private time for me and God, an intimate encounter that I've rarely shared about because it was beautiful and holy and ours alone. It was amazingly wondrous to just be alone with my Savior - not learning more about how to minister, but simply letting Him speak to my heart for me, as Jan.

Since then I have joined a retreat community and 40 of us have made the commitment to meet once a quarter for two years (eight retreats) to encourage one another and learn and grow. Our goal is to be alone with God together and these times away are holy appointments for me - a time dedicated to giving God my whole attention. When I get on the plane for Chicago each time, I can hear God speaking to my heart, "Come away with me, my love. Come rest in me."

So would you pray for me as I take this time away? Pray that God would have His way in me and that I would learn from Him as I sit at His feet.

Thank you for covering me in prayer. It is a blessing to be cared for in prayer.

Prayer for My Faith Family

To those of you who attended the worship service tonight at The Brook, thank you. You encouraged me. I simply want to post a prayer for you, for us, tonight. May God work within us in beautiful, mighty, mysterious, remarkable ways and blow a fresh wind through our hearts.

"When I think of the wisdom and scope of God's plan, I fall to my knees and pray to the Father, the Creator of everything in heaven and on earth. I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will give you mighty inner strength through His Holy Spirit. And I pray that Christ will be more and more at home in your hearts as you trust in Him. May your roots go down deep into the soil of God's marvelous love. And may you have the power to understand - as all God's people should - how wide, how long, how high, and how deep His love really is. May you experience the love of Christ though it is so great you will never fully understand it. Then you will be filled with the fullness of life and power that comes from God. Now glory be to God! By His mighty power at work within us, He is able to accomplish infinitely more than we would ever dare to ask or hope.......Every time I think of you I give thanks to my God. I always pray for you and I make my requests with a heart full of joy becaue you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard until now. And I am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again. It is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a very special place in my heart. We have shared together the blessings of God.......May He be given the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus forever and ever through endless ages......and may you live in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ." (excerpted from Philippians 1:3-7,27 and Ephesians 3:14 - 21)

Lovingly asked In the Name of Christ Jesus for my family, Amen