A Worshipful Heart

A Painful Joy

NOTE: I have been blessed to be surrounded by some wonderful friends and co-workers and church leaders who have supported me in ministry and have walked closely beside me, believing in me all the way and even defending me on occasion. Their love for me has been encouraging and healing! I do not at all discount their ministry to me as I write the following. I am thankful for each person God has brought into my life that has encouraged me, respected me and affirmed that they see God's calling on my life. You know who you are - you are a gift! Although this is long, I urge you to read it with an open heart.

I had a really profound experience this week. I was invited to be a member of the ordination council for a female associate pastor at a church in our city. She has faithfully served the congregation at this particular church for 21 years and her pastor finally said "The time is now" on this issue.  He was so convicted that ordaining her and affirming her in ministry was the right thing to do before God and he led this church through a very difficult journey as they arrived at this decision and finally at her day of ordination. (she was the first woman ordained there) So her ordination service was a time of joyous victory for this body of believers and an unforgettable time of validation for this servant of God. I was extremely proud to be able to take part in this special, special occasion.

This event affected me in a very deep way. I received my calling into ministry at the age of twelve and really didn't know what I was called to exactly, just that God had something special for me to do. As I served in youth ministry I truly loved that and enjoyed our kids so much. But it was in worship ministry that I felt my truest sense of calling confirmed. When I lead worship I feel a great peace and joy that THIS is what God created me to do. As I direct others to focus on God I know that "yes, this is what I was made for". But acceptance in that position as a woman has not always been a given for me. I've had some extremely humiliating and painful events as I've walked in this calling from God. I have been very tempted at times to almost quit ministry altogether and just sit on the back row, only taking my kids to church because I could not figure out what to do with this calling. I wondered if I - as a woman in ministry - could ever find a place where I truly fit in. For many years I felt quite alone in this struggle and honestly, I felt ashamed of the contention I saw it cause within the walls of the church. It has at times been humiliating. Yet through all of the trials, God's calling never, ever went away. I could not escape it. And through all of the pain I desperately longed for the affirmation and validation of the church - and from talking to many women in ministry, this is what they most feel is missing as they minister. I know I am not alone in having had these emotions. (note here: I am very affirmed in my present situation. I am well cared for, respected and loved! Thank you to my family at The Brook!)

As a woman who is an ordained minister serving in a Southern Baptist church, I am a bit of a rarity in these parts. So when I heard that there was a church struggling with this particular issue and a sister was probably hurting, I called to offer my support and most of all, my understanding. I have felt the pain and could imagine what my friend was feeling. I was encouraged by her response and even more thrilled to receive an invitation to serve on her ordination council and participate in her ceremony. This was a first for me and I felt tearful the entire time. I understood what a big event this was in her life and what this meant to her. More than that, I understood what a huge step forward this was for her church. I knew what it meant for every woman that came after her that felt God's call into ministry. It meant freedom - freedom to act on what God alone had called them to do without shame or lingering questions. This was a day of victory in my mind - a day of hope. I saw her not "allowed" to be ordained, but truly celebrated, honored and affirmed. I loved the language of her invitation: "believing that the church affirms whom God has called and ordained". I saw the men who had perhaps wrestled with this decision come forward and pray, read scripture and lay their hands on her in prayer, with tears running down their faces. I rejoiced as several women in ministry - lay and ordained - got to participate in a service that is often closed to all but men. I choked up as I stood in the pulpit and read Galatians 5:1, "So Christ has really set us free. Now make sure that you stay free, and don't get tied up again in slavery to the law." And as I moved forward to lay my hands on her head, hold her hand and whisper a prayer over her, I was very overwhelmed that I was a part of history - of her history, of the history of this church, of the history of women in the church at large. And God would use this moment as a part of my own "story" as well.

What touched me most besides getting to pray over my friend and sister in Christ, was seeing her church family pray over her. This was no group prayer, but people lined up - probably about 150 people - to lovingly touch her and offer a prayer for her. As I watched young and old, male and female, offer their prayers and love, I felt God whisper to me "You are seeing this in action - they have chosen love over man's law today". It was a wonderful picture of God's redemption as this church boldly modeled the redemption of Christ, and not the curse of sin! Tears continually coursed down my face - I felt as if I were leaking! I couldn't stop crying as I saw her receive what so many women, or maybe ALL leaders, in ministry would love to receive - a prayer and loving touch from those they serve. At the same time it was a bit of a painful joy for me. I was not ordained in the church I serve in and I felt a bit torn as I watched - how I would love to have my church pray over me like that! (this is when it occurred to me that everyone who serves in ministry needs this and not just at the time they are ordained) A great part of the pain I felt came as I thought of so many women who gave their lives in the past, are serving in the present and have never had this joy. But in the midst of that I felt a great, great hope. I felt a hope for my daughter and granddaughter's generation. I think that church will be different for them. I felt a hope for the young women and girls in my own church who will have a door opened to them more easily if they enter ministry. I hope that by seeing me serve they will know that they can be used by God as well. I felt a great hope that we could one day be a church that serves God in unity without regard to not only race, but gender as well. And as I felt this pain mixed in with joy and hope, God healed my own wounded heart just a little bit more. God is good and He knows what we need!

The army of God just got stronger......I saw it with my own eyes.

Life and Faith Together

Today was a very special day! My heart was so moved as I watched ten new believers celebrate their new life in Christ through baptism. It was the first time we've held a baptism during our regular church services and it was a time of great joy and celebration for our church family to experience this all together. I enjoyed seeing new friends that God has brought into my life publicly proclaim having asked Jesus into their lives. It was an encouraging day for our entire church. But I want to talk tonight about something that was very personal for me in today's services.

I was thrilled to have several special friends in worship with us today. As I led worship and looked out at them connecting to God it just felt so right to all be together worshiping God again. Some of us are now separated by distance but my life has been intertwined with their family for 22 years, since I was 19. Their friendship has been a particularly sweet blessing from the Lord in my life as I know that He brought us together and it was comforting and precious to worship all together again. When I was 19 we began working in youth ministry and on our very first outing I met Danniele and Lea Ann Lindsay. These girls (twins) grew up in our student ministry and we spent hours and hours together with them staying at our house or babysitting and helping me. Through all of this time together we became truly good friends. We celebrated together at family events, discussed faith and life endlessly and just generally began doing life together. Through the years there have not been many events in our lives that we have not shared with one another - both the good and the bad. Phil performed both of their weddings, we went to graduations, celebrated at the birth of their babies, sang at baby dedications, cried for the children and loved ones they lost and they have done the same for us. We've prayed and loved and we know one another well. When I die, they will certainly be seated in the family section at my funeral! It was wonderful today to have both of them at church with their spouses and children and to have their mother Tammy and other family members with us as well.

They had all come together for a very sacred event in the life of any believer, indeed in the life of any Christian family - the baptism of two of their children. Lea Ann's children, Sheridan and Noah, had accepted Christ and wanted to express their decision through baptism. Though they are both young they were emphatic! Their enthusiasm brought joy to my heart. Not only did I get to share the day with them simply in presence, I actually had the privilege of performing their baptisms! This was so exciting for me as I have walked in faith with this family for so many years. I can't really express the tender emotion in my heart as I shared this tender moment today with this family that I love. Many images from the day stand out in my mind - Lea Ann's tears as she watched her children climb the baptistry steps and take some of their first steps of faith on their own, Sheridan's sweet yet earnest face as she very seriously answered my questions and affirmed her faith in our Savior, Noah's exuberant smile and laughter as I brought him up out of the baptismal waters, looking up and seeing Craig's smile as he saw his children baptized and sharing a hug of celebration afterwards, and looking into Tammy's tearful eyes as we shared yet another special moment in the life of this family. As I walked away from the baptistry I thought that this is what ministry is all about - sharing not only faith but life through the generations. Today gave me hope in a new way as I got a glimpse of what it is like to see a little bit of the fruit of years spent pursuing God together - and we saw the next generation come to know Him.

Another special moment for me today came during worship. We closed the services today with the song "Alive Forever Amen" and my intent was to lead us in a time of expressive celebration of the new life we have in Christ. This is what I prayed for, this is what I hoped for. As I looked out over my church family I really cannot express what it was like to see so many people that I love, people who have had truly difficult times in their lives, celebrate and worship with such joy evident on their faces. God's presence was so vivdly obviously with us. I've said it many times - at those moments it truly pains me that I cannot really dance!!! I just wanted to jump up and down!(moment of confession: I'd need to get in better shape to sing and dance at the same time! I get out of breath!) Those moments together in worship are truly glorious - yes, because God IS good and His presence is life giving and we have much to celebrate, but also because we are celebrating TOGETHER. In those moments where we experience true communion with God AND with one another I believe we get a taste of what heaven will be like. And it whets my appetite! What an unbelievably beautiful day that will be to enjoy God and one another forever.Thank you God for a glimpse of that, a taste of that today in so many ways.

Today was a day that was all about celebrating relationships - our relationship with God and our relationships with one another. I loved seeing Sue Ann worship the Lord in thanksgiving after her boys were baptized by a cousin. I loved seeing Josh baptize some adults that are turning their life over to Christ and knowing we are now walking in faith as family. I loved hearing our church family cheer and applaud as each new believer rose up out of the water. And as I baptized Sheridan and Noah, I felt my life linked to theirs through prayers and love that began long before they were born. As I worshiped with my church family I felt my life linked with others through a common joy and faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, and as we joined hands around the table at lunch, I felt my heart linked to these friends through simply sharing the most precious moments of life.

Today was a good day. It was a glimpse of what heaven might be like.

When we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be!

The Journey of a Soul - Part 1

I wanted to take some time in these next few posts to share with you some things God illuminated for me while I was away on retreat. I left a day early and arrived at the retreat center in the early afternoon. After I unpacked I felt like I should immediately get my books, journal and Bible out and get busy being spiritual! WRONG! What I immediately realized as my eyes kept drooping was that I needed a nap! I lay down and slept soundly for a couple of hours and awakened refreshed and actually aware enough to read and pray. The first 24 hours were interesting for me because I was in essence on retreat totally by myself. As I read and journaled it was amazing how the "space" of being on retreat helped me to relax and engage with God in an unhurried and peaceful way. I wasn't bothered by all of those nagging items on my to-do list or knowing I would soon have to stop and go somewhere. I had nothing else to do but simply be with God. After some initial uneasiness, I soon realized I could not avoid unpleasant topics, I couldn't busy myself with a hundred other things to resist getting down and dirty with the Holy Spirit. I was simply there - in His loving presence, emotionally naked and open, laid bare. I had nowhere to run but to Him so I did. And as always, it was breathtaking! As I sensed God's word to me through some of my spiritual reading I realized how thirsty - truly parched and even dehydrated - I had been for a word from God specifically for me! What a priveledge it was to hear God's voice and sense His Presence moving in my heart. I felt alive again spiritually in a way I had not felt in some time. For this I am truly, truly thankful.

I went to this retreat with many questions on my mind. What does God have in the future for me? What is around the bend? What is it God wants for me as I move ahead? What are the ways He desires for me to grow and stretch? I came with not only questions of direction but also some truly disturbing emotions and heart-rending questions that have continually nagged at me such as: Can the church truly work as you intended God, being a place of truly redemptive relationships? Is it even possible? Can our relationships stand the test of stress, grief, disagreement and misunderstanding? And the question that has haunted me my whole life: Does what I do really matter? Has my life made any difference at all? Am I tough enough to remain faithful in ministry? Is it possible to achieve some sort of balance in my life? How can I spend more time with my family? These were the hard and dark questions that were weighing on me as I settled down to be with God this weekend.

I feel like the last year and a half I have been climbing a steep and rocky mountain and hanging on with my sheer will at times, or sludging through a dense jungle in ankle-deep mud tearing through dense foliage- the going has felt anything but easy. It's been very discouraging at times. Now I sense that I am on the edge of something fresh in my life - as if I had reached the top of a hill and am now peering into the next vista of my soul's journey. Although I see patches of blue sky, the view is foggy and I cannot quite see what is ahead - the mist swirls and obstructs and everything before me seems shadowy and uncertain. In all of these questions and despite the fog, I have such a keen sense of God at work within me so I am simply waiting on His word for me. It was in this mode of thinking that I arrived at the Marytown Retreat Center in Libertyville, Illinois. I truly needed to hear from God - I wanted answers and encouragement for my soul. I wrote in my journal, "God I do not have the answers, I only have the never-ending questions. I feel hopeless in them, as I splash and flounder and struggle to find my footing or swim in the current. Maybe this is the dark night of the soul. God, be with me."  As I re-read those words they probably sound melodramatic to you and perhaps like I was truly depressed. That's really not true at all - I just desperately wanted to hear from God. I wanted to quit guessing, thinking, debating and wondering and instead to have that peaceful, restful assurance for my soul that only comes when we truly have a word from the Lord. Those words were written out of my desperation to simply hear God's voice for my life and to KNOW His leading. I didn't want to wonder, I wanted to know.

And God did speak to me, as He is faithful to do. His first word to me was to "quit trying so hard to figure it all out." While I felt like I had been wrestling before, I sensed that God's invitation to me might be to simply be with Him and know that He has a plan. Quite wrestling and simply be.

"O Lord my heart is not lifted up, my eyes are not raised too high, I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me but I have stilled and quieted myself just as a small child is quiet with it's mother. Yes, like a small child is my soul within me. O Israel, put your hope in the Lord - now and always." (Psalm 131)

While I have heard these verses over and over again, I really began to feel this invitation from God in a very fresh way on that Saturday night as I settled down in the presence of God - to still and quiet myself as a child with the Lord and to simply put my hope in Him.

More later.......thanks for sharing the journey.

A Well Lived Life

Today is my grandmother's 89th birthday. She is my only remaining living grandparent, which is very hard for me to believe and is one of the saddest facts about my growing older. She is not as fiesty as she once was and she is now pretty well confined to her chair and her bed but she still is thrilled to have us call and visit with her. She loves company and gets a big kick out of the kids visiting. Today when I called her she said "I hope you have as many happy years as I have had". I have to agree. She has lived her life well. Many of the happy memories of my childhood came as I spent time with Mama Gladys and Papa Roy.

Their house is in Arab, Alabama. Growing up, I considered them my "city" grandparents. If you've ever been to Arab that should make you laugh. But my other grandparents lived out in the country on a farm, so Arab really did seem like the city compared to that. We lived about 40 minutes away and my parents were both teachers with little annual leave so many times when I was sick I would stay with Mama Gladys. She claimed to have never had chicken pox but she nursed all of her kids through it so when I came down with it I was packed off to her house for the duration. She took me to school for the first day each year until I was old enough to ride the bus. When I announced at 17 that I was engaged she never said a word that was discouraging and she was totally thrilled when I got pregnant only three months after getting married at 18. She was excited to become a great-grandmother. Over the past 22 years she has loved my children and my husband as well.

Through her we've learned about history from a first hand survivor of it. My grandfather was in the army and served during WWII, spending months in a German POW camp. She has spent hours sharing stories of what it was like to wait here in Alabama, having a baby while her husband was gone. She let my kids go through her letters and memorabilia from that time so that the history they studied would be real to them.

Mama Gladys is a strong believer in Christ and through her we have also learned alot about faith in the real world. She's endured some tough times in her life - growing up during the depression, having a husband in the war, difficult family relationships, and outliving one of her own children. She's always turned to the Lord for strength and peace.

Although my grandmother only stands maybe 4 foot 11 at her tallest and we all tower over her, she has been a bigger than life influence in my life. Happy Birthday, Mama Gladys!

Stealing Away......

Some of you who know me personally or who have read my earlier blogs know that I am a part of a two year retreat community. We meet every quarter in Libertyville, Illinois for a couple of days and concentrate each time on a different spiritual discipline. This group is for those in Christian leadership and ministry so the teaching is filtered through the lens of the challenges more paticular to those in ministry. In a group of mainly pastors we can speak quite candidly about the challenges we face on a daily basis - and they aren't afraid to be frank. This support group has been so helpful to me in my spiritual journey, especially as I walked through some of the particularly daunting moments of the past year. I find it interesting that I can join in a group where most everyone is from a different area of the country (I think there are two of us southerners there), a different denomination, and even a different phase of life and be so blessed. We don't really comment on doctrinal issues or the ways in which we differ, but instead we focus on the fact that we are all on the same journey together - towards intimacy and wholeness in Christ Jesus. In actuality it is somewhat freeing to be in a group where I am somewhat "unknown" and not expected to have any of the answers or to be "on" for the moment. No one will be offended if I keep to myself - we all just respect that we're there with the Lord together and may need some space.

This time I'm trying something different. I am leaving this Saturday and going up a day early so that I can have some extra time to rest, be quiet in the Lord's presence and just prepare my heart for the teaching we'll have. There is a beautiful lake there with a gorgeous path to walk so I plan on spending some time out of doors enjoying the fall colors and cooler temperatures.

Please pray for me as I go. I do feel quite tired right now and have many heavy questions on my heart. I truly do need to hear a word from God at this time in my life. I am eager to see what He has for me durint this time. Please pray for my family as they stay here. I am very appreciative of their support and encouragement as I make room in my life for these "holy appointments". Without their love this would not be possible.

Pray that I will hear God's voice, be rested in His presence, be filled with His Spirit and gain wisdom and discernment for the journey ahead. I want to know Him more and be aligned with His heart more completely as I steal away to be with Him.

My "Silent Worship" Experience

I'm not writing about anything remarkably new here but wanted to quickly report on my experience in worship Sunday while being completely unable to sing. First of all, I realized very quickly how totally dependant I had become on actually being able to sing to express my adoration. We have two services and I was in both still helping things run smoothly and my experiences in each service were actually quite different. When we first started, I felt like a total fool raising my hands and keeping my mouth shut! I also found it very difficult to concentrate. I wondered if people would wonder why I was sitting in the back of the church. My husband was even thrown off and walked right by me to find a seat!! I just felt kind of distracted by all of the motion around me and wondering how things would go with a guest speaker. It just felt awkward and I felt silly to not be singing, particularly on the faster songs at the beginning. I tried to focus on being purposeful in clapping, raising my hands, etc, but found it hard to infuse these motions with meaning without the words coming out of my mouth as well. And I had to literally FORCE myself not to sing! That was hard. In the first service I would have described my time of worship with one word: AWKWARD. Very humbling!

In the second service I suppose I had adjusted a bit. I found a seat in the back with plenty of room so I wouldn't feel funny just shutting my eyes and worshiping. When I stand too closely to anyone else I worry I will get lost in the moment and accidentally run my fingers through their hair as I lift my hands or - even worse - smack them in the face!!! I sort of need my own personal "worship space". I learned a bit of a trick this time to help me concentrate - just mouthing the words gave me a point of reference to hang onto as I tried so hard to really enter into purposeful worship. I don't know if it was having more space, getting accustomed to the truth that I just could not sing, settling in (I need some time to help me get rid of the busy thoughts in my head), or figuring out I COULD mouth the words or even hum a bit, but the second service felt much more meaningful to me. I was able to more easily worship without feeling so distracted.

So there is my report on my "worship lab" from Sunday. I learned a very humbling thing about myself. After leading worship for 13 years and being involved in worship ministry for 21 years, I still struggle to concentrate at times. Yuck. I thought I had moved past that!!!

What dificulty to you struggle with as you set your heart to worship God? Come on, I was honest - you can be too!!

Silent Worship

Here is my question: Do you struggle to worship God without using your voice or instrument? In other words, if you lost your voice, how would you express your worship to God? I know, I know, we ultimately lead worship with our lives. I get that. But we obviously have precious times with the Lord both corporately and privately where we are in communion with Him, pouring out our adoration and the love of our hearts. MOST of us at some point during this use our voice - we sing or we speak out loud. So what happens when you can't? How do we express ourselves without the old standby of verbal expression?

You see, I ask this question for a reason. I am - apparently - getting laryngitis or coming down with a cold and I'm running a fever. I am not sure if I will be at church tomorrow or not, but I do know that I may not be able to sing while I am there. The band will play, all of the vocalists and the my friends in our church body will raise their voices in praise. What will I do? This question made me think more deeply about how reliant I - as a vocalist - am on expressing myself most of all through verbal expressions. Those of you who know me please don't giggle too hard. I admit that I am an outgoing person and I process verbally so much of the time. I wonder if that is why - in intimate encounters with God - I am at a loss to know exactly what to do when I MUST be silent.

Here are some things I do know. I can express my worship through the posture of my body. I can become more aware of raising my hands with absolute purpose, communicating with them what my voice is unable to. I can raise my hands in awe and surrender, I can bow my head when I want to indicate submission and reverence, I may even choose to kneel during worship instead of stand. I think being unable to sing will help me to focus more on what my body actually longs to say to God as I worship!

At other times, times of deepest worship, I have found that I am simply at a loss for words anyway. Obviously I can't always do this while I'm leading, but some of the sweetest moments with the Lord in the past have been when I have simply sat in His loving presence, more aware of His holiness and His presence and His word to my heart than anything I could possibly bring to the moment. When I am completely lost in Him, I can more easily forget about me. Many times in worship I wonder if I make it about me, with my emotions and feelings or even the response of our people at the forefront of my mind. Without the ability to sing, speak or shout perhaps I can simply SOAK in His presence, more aware of that sweet communion than I would have been while active and vocal.

God, make me MOST aware of You tomorrow, thrilled simply to be with you and to hear your heart. May my heartbeat match the rhythm of yours as we spend time together......teach my heart to worship you in new ways.

A big shout out to my new friends that are dropping in from The Worship Community Forum and Women in Worship! Welcome! I've loved hearing from you.