A Worshipful Heart

Memorable Christmas

Here's a question for you. I expect LOTS of comments so I can get to know all of you better. When you think about Christmas, what is the most memorable Christmas gift you've ever received? If you could choose anything this year - a trip, an event, whatever, what would you like to receive?

Here are my answers:

1) I can't choose just one. :) I have a great memory of getting a bike when I was about 8 or so - a 10 speed no less, a beautiful pink bike with a basket on it. But I was DEVASTATED because it's all I got and I didn't get the one thing I loved to get each and every Christmas - books. My mom said I read them too fast so why buy them? But when I JUST got a bike, I cried and cried because I didn't get any books. The next year? I got a stocking full of books!

I suppose the most memorable gifts to me both came from Phil - I got my original engagement ring from Phil for Christmas in 1983. He slipped it on my finger and said "I love you" 25 years from the day that HIS Dad gave it to HIS mom. It was really getting worn out so then last year he took me shopping and got me my very own wedding ring for Christmas. That was very, very special. Finally one year from Christmas the whole praise team each wrote me a card and that was the best thing they could have given me. I loved it!

2) If I could have any gift I think I would choose a family adventure trip somewhere. All five of us would go to England or Alaska or something to have some great family time. I miss all being together, so being together and experiencing something new and exciting as a family is what I would wish for most of all this year. I just want to be together more.

Okay, now it's up to you. I am really looking forward to hearing from you. Who knows? You may inspire me!!!

Peaceful

I love my Christmas tree - when I turn the house lights off, turn on the fireplace and sit in the dark with the pretty twinkling lights I can just feel a peace steal over me, a hush down deep in my soul. I truly can feel my body start to just relax. I'm not sure why this happens, except for the fact that I've taken the moment to stop and be still. I was reminded of this response as I was reading "Experiential Worship" today by Bob Rognlien and thinking about how we respond in worship with ALL of who we are. I think that candlelight (or in this case Christmas tree lights) shining in the darkness is a vivid picture to me of Jesus, as the Light of the World, shining into the darkness of my soul, my life, this world. I think I probably feel peace because this truth brings me such hope. So for me, to sit and gaze at a candle and to think about this moves me to worship and to be present to God in a fresh way, not singing or speaking at all, just resting and being with God.

So tonight I thank God that I can experience His presence so vividly, feel His peace so profoundly, as I just sit here, looking at my tree and making space in my world for a little bit of wonder. And as this mantle of peace settles down upon my heart, I am reminded once again of some other names of Christ - "Prince of Peace" and "Our Peace". I am thankful for not just the absence of chaos for there is chaos all around me, but for the peace that only Jesus can give - and it penetrates deep into my being.

God, I sit here in wonder, amazed yet again that you became a man.....like us, coming down to our level, meeting us where we are, so that you could give us the greatest gift of all - yourself. As you became "God with Us" we experienced the "Light of the World" shining into the darkness of our lives, bringing us new hope and as you died on our behalf we knew you as "Our Peace" - giving us both peace in our hearts and with our Father. These are the greatest gifts of all....tonight I thank you for them with fresh eyes to see your presence in every moment of the day. Thank you for these gifts of love.

I wrote these words in a song about 12 years ago so that I could have a Christmas themed worship song - I am reminded of them tonight as I worship here in the peacefulness.....

Prince of Peace, Emmanuel,

God with Us, within us dwell

Lord we need the gift of You

Alive within our hearts making us new

Shine out from hearts so that all will see

God with us, alive in me

What is Success?

In the teaching on Sunday, Richard posed the question to us - "What would success look like this Christmas?". This question struck me because although I THINK I know what it would look like I am not sure how to get there! In studying these passages of scripture on Mary and Martha we can also note not only their actions and responses but the reaction of Jesus as well. In my last post I noted that although Martha loved Jesus, she was distracted by her busyness (her doing) and couldn't get around to being with him. This so describes most of us, don't you think? Well, even though she was scurrying around cooking and cleaning, Jesus saw the condition not only of her kitchen but of her heart. As he looked into her heart he said "Martha, you are so upset over all these details! There is only one thing worth being concerned about...." Her Savior noted how overly concerned she was about housekeeping and cooking (and these are important things) and saw the TRUTH about that - it was robbing her of her joy and rest. Now although I've always identified with Martha (what wife and mother doesn't?) I have really thought of myself as more of a Mary at heart - I'm a worship leader and busyness makes me crazy spiritually speaking. A quiet day with the Lord is what I would prefer as opposed to DOING, yet as I read this again and heard Richard's teaching I saw myself so mirrored in Martha's predicament. This is me - plain and simple - I am allowing the busyness of life to rob me not only of time with God and my family but also of my joy and rest. Well, gee, something needs to change! 

I am choosing to take hope these days in Jesus' response to Martha. He not only saw her heart and the resulting predicament, but he helped her to set her priorities by showing her what the ONE THING - the priority of her life should be. In doing this he debunked our western culture myth that busyness equals success.

So how can I answer the question posed by this post? How can I simplify? How can I be sure that my heart and my life is truly rotating around this ONE THING? It's a process, and I guess we learn each day to make those choices. I took one step tonight - I chose not to work. I am on study break and didn't go to rehearsal tonight and the temptation was to work on my never ending lists and projects......but I chose instead to be with my family, to spend time with Phil, to not make any phone calls. It's a small step but I am trying to focus on being wholly present - with my family and friends and especially to God.

Attention vs. Distraction

OR I could entitle it - like the book - "Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World" cause that is really what this post is about. I am currently ensconsed at the Hilton off of 280 in Birmingham for the very purpose of being able to pay undivided attention to studying, researching and planning for services and worship ministry events in 2008 - I'm on a study break. Is it any wonder that I find it helpful to hole up in a hotel in order to think through things uninterrupted? Our everyday world is full, full, full of distractions. It is hard to give our focused attention to anything but especially to those things that do not clamor for our attention. I have learned - sadly - that we are much more apt to pay attention to the distraction, than to what really matters, as if we all had this giant sized case of ADD. (no slam on my friends who actually have this condition)

In Luke 10:38-42 we find the account of Jesus' visit to the home of Mary and Martha. We know from scripture that he was often in their home. How they responded to His presence in their midst differed greatly. Mary welcomed him with her words, Mary welcomed him with her presence and attention. Does anything about that sentence strike you? Don't we do that? Sometimes we welcome not just God, but a friend or a loved one, with our words, but we do not give them that important commodity, our attention and the gift of our presence. I would say that we are rarely totally present with anyone anymore due to TV, radio, computers, etc. So we have Mary who immediately stops whatever she was doing and sits at the Lord's feet, listening raptly to what He taught. She was intent on BEING with Jesus. Martha however - the practical one some might say - was worrying over the big dinner she was preparing - she was overwhelmed by DOING. I can SO relate to this. I have done this many times - Christmas, vacations, parties, even, dare I say, worship services. I get so busy doing that I find it hard to slow down and focus on being - with God and with those I most love. As I write this I realize that I might find it easier to practice BEING with God than with my family. OUCH! As Martha complains that she is doing all the work alone and Mary is not helping her, Jesus' reply cuts straight to my heart: "My dear Martha, you are so upset over all these details! There is really ONLY ONE THING worth being concerned about. Mary has DISCOVERED it - and I won't take it away from her."

I imagine that to Mary this was a sacred moment. To listen to her Master and to be near Him was a treasure she didn't dare miss. Sadly, Martha missed the point and rushed right through a sacred moment. Before you judge, look inside. I do this all the time so I'll wager you do too. Just today someone called me on doing this and it broke my heart. I hurt someone I loved because I didn't slow down and give them the gift of my attentive presence. I cannot regain that moment. All of my good intentions for our time together went unnoticed because I poorly managed my time with them. I - like Martha - allowed myself to be distracted from what was truly important. I forgot what that "one thing" was.

Martha was not missing a heart for Jesus, and I think it's important that we give her credit for that. She was a great servant, but her TASKS had her attention, not her Lord. To quote Richard from yesterday's teaching, "The lesson here is to 1st SIT and THEN serve". We could write a book for those in ministry leadership on this topic. As I sat through his sermon a second time I wrote myself a little note in the margin of my journal - "do we sometimes substitute serving for sitting?" The question came to me because I have noticed for years that most believers are actually a bit uncomfortable with the idea of grace - with the idea that we cannot earn God's love or favor. I think it makes us just the teensiest bit antsy that we CANNOT be good enough - it's hard to believe we just have nothing at all to offer. Sometimes we substitute serving for sitting because to just SIT at Jesus' feet with nothing to offer but our time, attention, love and selves puts us in a place of total vulnerability and grace. At that point we just have to accept God's love for us because HE IS LOVING, when we are busy DOING something we can trick ourselves into thinking we might be just the tiniest bit lovable and deserving. And this showed in Martha's attitude - she had a wrong attitude towards both Jesus and her sister and became demanding and resentful. (Okay, am I the only one seeing myself in the mirror of this story here?)

So, I guess the question is how can we do this? How can we slow down from DOING in order to BE with the One we love? How can we truly learn to rest in HIS LOVE and not in our own achievements? How can we give our families and friends the gift of ourselves more totally? (to be honest I am shocked to realize others would consider this a gift - I am amazed that someone might be waiting for a moment with me) I don't want to fly through my life and then sadly realize it's over and we're done. No more chances to be....to enjoy the moment.....to seize the chance to soak in God's love. It seems I have some life work to do. Won't you join me?

"Breaking the Jar" in Worship

We began a new series at church this morning called simply "Expectations". Our first sermon was based on studying Mary and Martha and their differing responses to Jesus. A big thanks to Richard Buckley whose teaching - along with God's word and my own observations -  planted the seeds of this blog in my heart. I know it's a topic that worship leaders have probably talked about ad nauseum but please allow me to add my own "fresh realizations" here. While they may not be new to anyone else, they hit me in a very fresh way this morning.

If you look at Mary's life you see that she made it a habit to be at our Lord's feet. She instinctively ended up there - from her own hunger, how she saw herself and how she saw God and also I would say from her heart's desires. To me it is obvious that she longed to be near Jesus and took every chance she could to soak in His presence, to listen to His voice, to simply be physically near the One she loved. I wonder if she was somehow very aware that her time with Him physically was limited, so she made the most of every opportunity? Or was it just her desire to be near Him because in Jesus she was safely loved? Whatever the case may be, it was obvious that she had an emotionally intimate relationship with Christ - she felt comfortable being near Him and expressing her love very boldly. To read the story in John 12, go here.  It's a story most of us know - Mary takes a bottle of very expensive perfume and pours it out on Jesus' feet, wiping his feet with her hair. As I re-read this story this morning some things struck me about this.....

What an incredibly humble act this was! Not only did she give something very costly, but she knelt, and she ministered to Christ in a very loving and precious way, anointing his feet and wiping them with her hair. She came and gave all of herself to Him in worship. It was also a very messy thing to do - it was not neat, it made a scene as well as a mess, and as she did this she could not have been concerned about what others were thinking or what she looked like. (not to mention that her hair got really messed up!) What she did didn't make logical sense. It seemed extravagant for no good reason - as Judas so aptly pointed out. It didn't seem to serve a purpose that those around her could understand. She did it for no other reason than to show her love and adoration. In trying to think about this I wondered what she was thinking and feeling - was she particularly led by God to perform this act or was it just the only thing she could think of in that moment that came close to expressing her love and adoration for Christ?

One sentence caught my eye this morning in the text: "And the house was filled with fragrance". (v. 3b) Her worship was not private. It was not hidden - in fact it COULD NOT be hidden - because the fragrance of this costly and powerful perfume filled the whole house. Her adoration was just all out there for everyone to see (and smell). When she came to the end of herself and was completely overwhelmed by her desire to honor God, it was apparent to all around her. I had to ask myself if it is obvious to others when I am truly pouring my love out on Jesus, or have I learned to channel my adoration into culturally safe and acceptable, unembarrassing forms? How many times have we caught ourselves worshiping in a "safe" way - raising our hands as long as we feel comfortable, or kneeling in our living room but rarely breaking out into what our hearts might truly desire to do? How often have we been so caught up in God that we are truly abandoned in our worship and expression of love for Him? I will argue that most of us are hampered greatly (including myself) by our self consciousness - so we tailor our response for the setting. We are fine if it seems appropriate or in line with what others may be doing, but to take a truly outrageous step??? We are uncomfortable with that.

Well, that brings me to my next observation. Her act of worship, in my opinion, probably made most of those around her VERY uncomfortable. How would you feel on Sunday morning if a woman near you dropped to the floor, weeping and knelt or bowed over in worship? How would you feel if someone actually took the time to go to someone else in the congregation during worship and make things right with them and while doing so they washed their feet or publicly confessed their sin? How would you feel if someone began to dance as they worshiped? Or to shout praises to God? What if someone really sold all they had and came and gave the proceeds to the church? I think that we become uncomfortable for alot of reasons - when it's US we're uncomfortable if people are watching us and and we wonder what they will think (come on, you know it's true), when it's someone else maybe we are uncomfortable because of how it might illuminate the truth of the state of our own heart and devotion. It's like seeing another couple really madly in love when you're marriage is a bit rocky - it shows you what you're missing and shines on the mediocrity of your own relationship - the hand holding, the loving glances, the obvious desire for one another are like sharp arrows. Sometimes I think we resent it when those around us respond to God in an outrageous, extravagant way because it forces us to examine our own hearts and THAT, my friend can be very, very uncomfortable - if we bother to be honest. It challenges us as well - it challenges our comfort zones, our excuses and reasons, it challenges the lukewarm responses we are most comfortable offering to God. True worship is an incredibly intimate thing and it can be challenging to express that in front of other people.

Mary was way out of the box as she worshiped that day - she did not hold back. She literally broke the jar (or box) in her worship. I was thinking of a Sunday not too long ago when a song was done for special music that particularly touched me and I wanted to kneel before the Lord. I was on the front row and I felt uncomfortable so I just sat on the floor instead. While I am sure people wondered WHY I sat on the floor, I guess I felt safer sitting than kneeling and bowing down, as I truly wished to do. I just felt exposed so I compromised, I tailored my response to God to something I felt was more fitting. Now I'm a bit sad about that. Did I miss a moment with God?

Finally, (yea!) Richard pointed out that Mary was KNOWN for being at the Lord's feet. This was her legacy. What will mine be? What will I be known for? What will your legacy be? I want to be known as a worshiper.....may we all be willing to risk as we worship.

**note: I am not advocating chaos in our worship services, simply arguing for us to be truly willing to express our love for God and get over ourselves as we do so. In heaven, we will not care! I promise you at that time we'll be overcome by the presence of God**

Thoughts?

Day After Thanksgiving

What a funny morning.....I discovered the only empty store on Black Friday - the grocery story. There was literally no one there. I TRIED to go buy one of Phil's gifts at a department store but decided that it wasn't worth saving $40 to stand behind 100 other people in line, so I gave up and went to the grocery store and bought vanilla ice cream. Then I got to the good part! I went home and ate PEACH COBBLER with ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST!!!  woo hoo! (Mom, if you're reading this I want peach cobbler for my birthday) As an added bonus I actually bought two gifts at the grocery store so my morning was not a total waste. They sell gift cards for all kinds of places including - and this is strange - Universal Studios in Florida!? So I did accomplish something today. :) Now on to wrapping gifts, putting up the tree, etc......oh, and watching ballgames.

Getting Ready for the Holidays

Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving and in preparing for the holidays I've done some thinking. That thinking coupled with spending the evening watching "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles", welcoming my college aged kids home, and baking homemade Banana Pudding and my Granny's recipe for Chocolate Pie have me in a nostalgic mood, ready to welcome the holidays and all that they include.  I admit it, I am terribly sentimental. While normally not a very traditional person, at this time of year I love things that are traditionally associated with Christmas, I think because they bring back memories of so many sweet memories together in the past. I love baking from family recipes, and doing the same things year after year. I don't want to just celebrate, I want to fill the holidays with meaningful moments together.  Each year I'm determined to have meaningful quiet times focused on the advent of Christ, I'm determined to spend time with each of my children and with Phil (all individually mind you) doing special things, to bake and make gifts for everyone on my list, decorate my house beautifully, to handmake and write 100+ Christmas cards so I can send a personal Christmas message to all our friends and family, to plan the perfect worship team party and Christmas Eve service plus bake for my family, and on and on and on!!! I think my family just thinks I'm nuts and they certainly don't understand why all of this means so much to me. I really just want things to be meaningful - who needs just another party, just another card, just another thoughtless gift? What I want are truly meaningful moments together, opportunities to connect with my family and friends and to express my love for them. And of course I want those truly transcendent moments with my Savior as I try to wrap my mind around the fact that God CAME and became a man to be "God with Us", one of my favorite names for Christ. So how do we create these moments, celebrate the holy and not create craziness in our wake? Here are a few things I'm looking to try this year:

1) Advent Based Devotions so that I can spend time every day meditating on the wonder of Christ coming to us.

2) Mental Health Days - I am going to try to take a day with each family member to go to lunch, go shopping or to a concert or just staying home in our pjs watching Christmas movies. Spending time together is more important than spending money and we'll remember this more anyway.

3) Buy meaningful gifts - I am sooooo tired of just buying gifts, but I love doing things for people I love. I'd like to try to come up with one very special meaningful gift for each family member that will help us make a memory together.

4) Take a day or two off PRIOR to Christmas so that I can begin with a more peaceful, relaxed feeling.

5) Do something for someone else that won't be reciprocated. I don't know what yet, but I'm thinking.

6) Take some quiet moments just to walk, listen to my favorite Christmas music or attend a concert - just do something that feeds my soul. I will slow down.......

What are you looking forward to doing this year that is meaningful? How will you celebrate the holy this holiday season?

Use Me, All of Me

I tried to write this as a song, but couldn't reduce it to lyrics that are short, rhyme or have some rhythm and meter, so here are the thoughts and desires I'm trying so hard to live out right now. Maybe one of you true songwriters out there can give it a shot!

God, this is all I know to pray right now - USE ME, use all of me. Use the wealth of my experiences, my tears that I've cried, my abilities, the pain that I feel, my places of unease and those precious moments of peaceful awareness of You. Use all of the spiritual gifts you have so lovingly placed within me, in spite of my shortcomings, for the beauty and glory of your Kingdom. USE ME. Use my hands, the totality of my life, my past, my desires and yearnings, my questions as well as my passions, my background and upbringing. Use my sense of humor, that gift of laughter, my relationships and even my deepest darkest struggles and my insecurities. Use my personality, my love for people, my femininity, my joys and my greatest griefs. Use all of me. Use my strengths and help me to grow into all you have destined me to be. Use all of me and speak through my stumbling tongue, through my uncertain thoughts and fingers as I type and through the turmoil and searching and finding of my own heart. Use me when others say I cannot be used or should not be used. Use me anyway! In all of my fullness, pain and passion and terrific, deep desire to be used by you and to serve you with all of who I am. All that has occured in my life I offer for your glory and use. From the most beautiful moments, to the most tragic, use them all to shape me into that vessel for your use and honor. Use me Lord, use all of me. From the time I was born until today, use all that is me to glorify all that is you.

"For we are God's masterpiece, created in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."  - Ephesians 2:10

What is True About Me

I've been thinking about who I am alot - what do I really like, what am I good at, what dreams do I have, what makes me feel the most alive, what do I want to accomplish in my life, what would I like to see, do and learn. I think I've spent much of my life trying to be who I think I'm "supposed" to be. Now that I am 41 I am finally discovering who I actually am.

1) I won't delve too deeply tonight, but I will share something about me that only my truest friends could have guessed. I am an introvert. (stop laughing) I truly am. According to the counseling definition of this word, this just means that I am constantly introspective, thinking through what things mean, examining my thoughts and feelings. I seem incapable of living life on the surface or turning off these thoughts. One of the reasons I blog is so that I can continually process and share all of the thoughts running through my head.

2) With that said, I am also relationally oriented. I love people, I process alot through conversation, I love to collaborate and hear other people's input and opinions, and I certainly enjoy a good party. I enjoy doing things together. For YEARS I felt guilty about this part of myself. I thought a godly woman had to be quiet and gentle and never laugh loudly or do anything wild and crazy! I've finally accepted that this is how God made me and that means it's okay! 

3) I am physically expressive - I love to hug, kiss and touch those that I love. If we pray together, I want to hold hands or put my arms around you. In any emotional moment, I want to touch those I am with - to share the moment. So of course I always want to hold hands and cuddle with my husband! I am expressive in worship as well - just singing seems like I'm worshiping all tied up!  I want to lose weight mainly so that I can express my worship more easily - I don't want to struggle to kneel or bow or even dance if I want to! And really struggle to EVER hide my feelings and emotions! I think it all shows on my face. I could NOT play poker for a living! (When we play Rook Phil ALWAYS knows if I get the bird!)

4) I am also very tender hearted and sensitive. Most people just assume that means I get my feelings hurt easily, but it's so much deeper than that. I am sensitive to YOUR feelings as well. I can sense people's moods and easily notice when someone is upset or hurting - and I hurt with you. And I can't turn it off, although at times I wish I could! There are days I would love to be a bit oblivious. I am generally very tuned in to everyone's feelings.

5) I do not move quickly - I prefer time to think about it, to "stop and smell the roses" and to get engaged. As I told my son while we were hiking in France, "life is not a task to be finished, it's an experience to be savored". For this reason the spiritual discipline of retreat really helps me in my journey in a much deeper way than my short, hurried quiet times do. I love the ability retreating gives me to savor and linger in my times with God.

6) I am inspired experientially - ideas alone do nothing for me. To see God's handiwork in nature, to hold a wooden cross as I pray, to hear the glorious sound of an orchestra, or the ocean's waves crashing, to touch the face of someone I love, to see someone worshiping God, to sit on the fresh green grass, or to walk in the sand, to feel the wind on my face, to see a candle burning, to travel to a new place and see a fresh vista.......... this all moves me more than sitting and listening. So I've learned that knowing this about myself helps me to connect with God in ways that are truly life giving to me and inspiring to me.

These are just a few of the things that I am learning are true about me. This is a little bit about who I am - on the inside. I'm continuing to learn what I'm good at and what I'm not, what I like and what I dislike, and where the truly sweet spots of my life are.

Tonight however one of the truest things I can say about myself is that I miss my husband. I feel very alone - he is on the other side of the Atlantic in Norway. I wish he were home with me now! I really miss just having him here with me - I miss his presence in my everyday life. Text messages and two minute conversations just aren't the same!

Sacred

I had this great plan today. As I was flying home from Savannah I was going to use that time to finish up my preparations for our communion service tonight, make sure I was prepared for all of our transitions and really pray for the service. Well, this child about three rows in front of me was screaming at the top of his lungs forever. I could NOT concentrate, so I began to pray. My first prayer was for this child to have peace and for his mother as well. (I felt sooooo sorry for her!) I continued with praying for the service and really just kind of came up short when this thought hit me - "God, I am never going to be good enough as a worship leader to make anything happen in people's hearts. I am almost tired of trying so hard! I just - more than anything - want you to work in us. period. Just visit us in a way that leaves us deeply changed.You be with us - that's all I want." I had this vague image of us all arriving, pulling up a chair and waiting on God, stripped of our talents and abilities and tasks, trappings and even masks - simply showing up to be with God. Then I was deeply spiritual and fell asleep! God had answered my first prayer and the little boy in front of me had calmed down and fallen asleep so in the quiet of that moment, I guess my body succumbed as well. So much for my great intentions!

Fast forward to tonight. Communion services are always harder for me to prepare for. People struggle to arrive on time because of traffic and work, we have a short amount of time to rehearse a longer list of songs, etc. I just never feel totally technically prepared. I felt this unease all throughout the first set of worship, and even a bit during communion, like I just couldn't settle down. But as I sang "Nothing But the Blood" over our people and they settled back into their seats after taking communion in family and friends groups, a great sense of God's presence just seemed to invade us. It was truly peaceful and joyous all at the same time and as we moved from thanksgiving to worship to a time of very humble praise and adoration, I wanted to just kneel before God. I wanted to physically demonstrate how my heart was feeling  - humbled by His greatness and His love for me. And as we sang "We Fall Down" I noticed that several of us began to kneel in worship. As we declared His holiness, and confessed our fraility, we entered into a sacred moment. I felt like we should simply "be" for a while - there was a sacred hush where words are superfluous and even unneeded. What is most needed is to sit at our Savior's feet. I was terrified of violating this move of God so I just encouraged people to stay and "be". I was so encouraged as I saw God working in hearts all over the room - doing just what I had prayed - a work our human hands and effort are simply incapable of. This is what we need most of all - to meet with God, the Lover of our Soul, in that holy place. We needed to experience the sacred.

Thank you God for this sacred place......a special visitation of your precious Spirit.......a deep work in our hearts.