A Worshipful Heart

Post-Christmas Relaxing

What have you been doing since Christmas? We've been just really taking it easy. I've slept late AND taken naps, stayed up late watching movies, gone shopping and hit the sales, and just spent hours and hours with my family. That has been a treat. We went to the new Monaco Theatre and watched "National Treasure 2" together, we've watched ballgames, baked brownies, watched Daniel perform at a show, and just lounged around in our pajamas being lazy. For those of you who are easily bored, this probably sounds incredibly mundane. But we are normally so busy and don't all live in the same house anymore so it's a rare thing for us all to spend a full week at home together. From attending the Christmas Eve service and going out to eat together afterwards, to sitting down to breakfast as a family, to attending a movie to just relaxing on the couch together, we've had good times as a family this week and I am thankful for the gift of my family. I will never get over the wonder of the fact that Phil loves me and actually asked me to be his wife! To be so totally loved by him is mind blowing to me. Everytime I look into the face of one of my children I am amazed that I get to be a mommy - my children are a treasure, a trust, and a blessing. I love nothing more than a hug from one of my babies. The presence of those we love should not be taken for granted - a lesson I've learned the lonely way. So this week all together has been a great gift from our loving Heavenly Father.

I've personally taken this opportunity to indulge in some actual hobbies, which I find difficult to fit into my normal schedule. I've scrapbooked and relived the sweet memories of our summer vacation, sorted through pictures from France and been reminded of the fun we had and have already completely read the book Phil got me for Christmas. It felt like pure decadence to sit for hours reading, with no schedule to worry about. It was a beautifully moving book and I both laughed and cried as I read it. I highly recommend it - "Home to Holly Springs" by Jan Karon. Check it out in my book list.

And tomorrow night I'll put on my new Bama hoodie and Phil and I will make nachos, order wings, and gather around the TV to cheer on the Tide. Roll Tide Roll!

Sometimes it's good just to do absolutely nothing........

More Scenes from Christmas!

Hey, check out my Christmas pictures for some new additions........click on the picture to the right titled Christmas 2007.

Firsts and Lasts as a Mom

Well, I guess you could say that today was a monumental day for me as a mom. It was both a first and a last for me, so I feel extra bittersweet tonight. My baby, Daniel, who turned 16 in June, finally got his driver's license today. He was uncertain about getting it and I was relieved that I had a few extra months before facing the stress of waving my last child off in a car on his own. But today all of that ended as Daniel successfully passed his driver's exam and tonight he got into the truck and went on his first solo drive. As I watched him pull away, I could feel my stomach muscles tense up into those mommy knots!

When Maria - my oldest child and only daughter -  learned to drive 6 1/2 years ago I was an absolute wreck. I was terrified of her having a wreck and hurting herself, or someone else or - God forbid - having a wreck with all of my children in the car together. I had always thought that buying a teenager a cell phone was ridiculous (my, how times have changed) but as soon as Maria got behind the wheel solo I knew I needed her to have a phone with her. How in the world did my mom and dad send me off by myself driving all over those country roads without a phone?!? So this was my first experience sending one of my children off on their own, learning to painfully release my fierce grip of maternal control. Painful is an understatement!! Two years later I went through the same process with our middle child, Philip III. It was a bit easier this time. Number one, Philip is a pretty big guy and I am not really worried about him being on his own. I doubt many people will mess with him because he looks tough, even though he is a teddy bear. Number two, he was a much more confident driver and wasn't the least bit afraid. While Maria was a bit nervous and wanted someone with her, Philip  - as he always has - headed off on his own blissfully and eagerly. And as nervous as both of these life transitions made me, it never occurred to me that I might feel very conflicted as I faced the ending of this particular rite of passage not only for my children, but for me as a parent.

So tonight as Daniel climbed in the truck to drive ALL the way to Staples and then to Restoration Church (this is all of a mile from our house) I realized that it was his first solo drive and the very last time I would send one of my children off for their first drive. I feel old. What will it feel like when he graduates and moves off - my last child flying from the nest? I look into the mirror and see my almost 42 year old face and I think "I can not be old enough for this! Can my baby actually be out driving around, almost an adult?

If you are a bit behind me in parenting, let me just encourage you to actually treasure those "awkwardly terrifying stress-inducing firsts" because when they are over, it just means your babies are that much closer to flying on their own - and it is hard to no longer be "mommy". From those first steps to the first day of school to those first dates to the first time you leave them at college and drive off, as you're crying and praying and dreading it all at once, let a little part of your heart be thankful. Thankful for ALL the moments of being a parent, even the nerve wracking ones! I've been a parent since I was 19 years old - I'm not sure I know how to be an adult and not have children at home with me. Tonight the time til Daniel goes off to school and we have a completely empty nest seems to be approaching at the speed of light.

And good news, Daniel just walked in the door from his first outing. Thank you God, another prayer answered. I can feel my stomach relaxing......until the next time he heads out, keys in hand!

Home Again

As you may be aware, my family is a bit scattered. Phil travels extensively, Maria lives in Tennessee and Philip is in Tuscaloosa. Alot of the time it's just Daniel and me here holding down the fort. Well I am happy to say that Philip got home from school last night to stay for a week or two which is the longest we have seen him since summer vacation. Maria will be in Saturday for good along with her two kitties and Phil is home for a while as well. It's good to all be under the same roof. Today I rested some on the couch and rejoiced to hear all three of my children upstairs laughing as they played XBOX 360 together. Philip and I spent the afternoon together shopping for some clothes and I took him to check out TerraNovas, since he had never eaten there. And miracle of miracles, he very submissively went and got his hair cut! :) My first Christmas gift! It's good to be together! Thank God for my sweet family.

Christmas Pictures

Hey, check out the pictures from various Christmas events. Just click on the picture of my friends Linda and Gregory to the right entitled "Christmas 2007". I hope you enjoy sharing the fun! Check back for more later.

And Merry Christmas!

Overwhelmed by Doing

  I haven't blogged for a while because I have been.....well.....too busy. Not that I've really been too busy to post a blog, but I've really just been too busy to think. I have certainly learned that I need space in my life in order to hear from God, in order to think deeply and thoroughly about anything at all and therefore write about it. When I'm running around at the speed of light, nothing much registers. Sadly, for all of my good intentions and wonderful beginnings, the past two weeks have been a blur. I miss Christmas. Isn't that a sad statement?! So now there is one week to go and I want to stop doing so much and spend the next week focusing a bit more on "being" - with my family, with the Lord, with my friends.  I long for a moment to savor the beauty of Christmas, the celebration of "God with us".

A friend of mine asked a question the other day and it has disturbed ever since. He said "What would church be like if we were all Marys?".  Well, I've spent at least a week pondering that (thanks for the great question Michael) and now I really think I have begun to have an answer. First of all, my guess is that Mary didn't just sit around all the time pouring oil on people's feet! We were given a glimpse into her life of a few times where she had chosen well, as we were told by Jesus. These are snapshots, just like if we were to tell a story about a particularly moving time of worship together. We would understand that we don't do that 24 hours a day. The answer that I believe God laid on my heart is that Mary chose what was most important in that moment. Every day we are faced with choices - to be fully present with a loved one, to spend time with God, to listen attentively to some wise words, to put our family before watching tv, to reach out to someone else, etc. In Jesus' own words, Mary had chosen that which was best by her decision to sit at His feet.

Therefore, I would really say that being a "Mary" is really about choosing to set aside the eternally unimportant for the eternally significant in any given moment. This doesn't mean that we don't go to work, or we don't plan or don't roll up our sleeves and volunteer and instead we just sit around and sing Kumbayah and hold hands. I think that more than anything it means that we take advantage of the moments in our life to practice the presence of God, to become fully aware of His leading and love, to be more fully present and alive to His presence in our lives in so many ways - to choose what is most important.

Just as we would not be thrilled if our spouse just did things for us, as a servant would, God doesn't just desire our "work". He desires our presence. He desires for us to sit with Him as a friend.

This is the gift I so desperately want to give my Savior this Christmas.

Offering Prayers and Sympathy

Please take a moment to pause during your day and to pray for those in Colorado whose lives were so totally altered yesterday. Tonight my heart just hurts for the families of the YWAM staffers who were killed, for the parents of the two sisters killed at New Life Church as they were leaving the worship service, for the security guard who had to pull the trigger to stop a killer, for the friends of all the victims, the staffs of both facilities and all of those who were witnesses to a horrific crime. When I read the news stories and watched the videos of interviews, I just sat and cried as I thought about what these people must be feeling.  As a mother, as a friend, as a minister......I grieve with and pray for those whose losses today are great, whose peace is completely shattered, whose world will never ever be the same, who will struggle to feel secure ever again,  and those who will have to now lead in the wake of this trauma. Take a moment to hold these brothers and sisters in Christ in the Lord's loving presence. May our hearts be soft enough and tender enough to mourn with those who mourn and to feel great compassion for those whose lives were interrupted by tragedy. Can we remain untouched as our family in Christ suffers? I hope not - I fervently hope that we cannot. No, we may not know them in person and cannot offer our physical presence or food or other demonstrations of sympathy. But we can offer the silent strength and support of our prayers. Pray with me.

Communion in Community

Last night we celebrated communion in a slightly different way and it gave me personally a different, fresh perspective as we worshiped and partook of the bread and the cup together. We were set up in the round, with the table of the Lord in the middle of the room and our chairs gathered around the communion meal in the middle. The first thing I noticed that was different was that we were facing one another. Now, I am normally facing the congregation when I lead worship but this was a different kind of view. Now we were ALL facing one another but also we were ALL facing the bread and the cup. People were not looking at us, as worship leaders, they were all focused on the physical representation of our Lord's body. And as our gaze remained there, we also could not help but see the other representation of the body - one another, our family in Christ. This view was so beautiful to me. I have long said that one of the most beautiful sights in the world is the view I am honored to have as I see the ones I love worship God. To see these beloved faces shining with God's love along with my contemplation of the body and blood of Christ was a doubly moving sight.

Last night I just helped lead worship - I didn't plan the worship and was not the leader. I loved it as Sheila, Michelle and I sang together, at times taking the lead, at times following, at times being silent. I got to sit back at times and watch Michelle or Sheila lead, to just listen to their beautiful voices, to see their faces as they worshiped and hear their hearts as they prayed. And I got to see my church family engaging with God for His presence was so clearly with us - and what a privelege for us all to share this moment together. I got to see their faces as they gazed at the bread, the cup, the candles. I got to see their loving expressions as they closed their eyes and lifted their hands in worship or bowed before the Lord. There are a few moments that just stood out to me......seeing Bill, who usually is playing for worship, resting in God's presence, his head back and eyes closed......Bobby standing with his hands raised in praise..........my sweet friend Kathy lifting her voice, her face and her hands to respond to God's love......Drew with his head bowed in submission and reverance.....Darlene, Jack, Daniel and Callie gathered around the table of the Lord holding the bread and juice, then turning and moving to serve our family........the purple juice sparkling in the candlelight reminding us of the blood of Christ shed for us......the smile on Jacki's face as we reached to one another to share the elements.......seeing husbands and wives, friends, parents and children sharing the meal of remembrance.......this was communion in community. Blessed communion with Christ........loving communion with friends.

Last night I shared a meal with my family. And we sat at the King's table. Together.

How do you taste a memory?

Well, I think that I taste a memory every time I eat something I associate with my childhood or a loved one. When I eat my Granny's recipe for chocolate pie or homemade mac and cheese or chicken and dumplings I am transported back to my grandmother's kitchen where everything she made was so delicious and full of love! I not only remember my times with Granny and Paw Paw but I also feel loved and cared for all over again. I guess that's why we call it comfort food - it doesn't just taste good but it also brings back a host of wonderfully vivid memories.

So my question for you today is what food do you love to eat at Christmas because it takes wonderful and also brings back  those wonderful memories?

For myself, the thing I make with my children every year that is a MUST have is homemade sugar cookies. Yes, I roll them out, make them from scratch and then we decorate them together - and it takes forever. I grew up doing this with my mom and I love it. I have collected all kinds of antique and new cookie cutters in my 23 years of marriage and now have enough to give to Maria when she's ready to add this to her own Christmas traditions. There's just nothing else like it. I also am transported back in time when I eat my mom's peach cobbler and sweet potato casserole (Philip says it will make you lose your breath it's so good!!) and my grandmother's dressing. It's good to know that some things never change!

Good memories are simply reminders of God's blessings in our lives. When I make and eat those sugar cookies, I am reminded of my family's love, the blessing of my mother, and the wonder of being a mom myself. When I eat my grandmother's recipe for chocolate pie or chicken and dumplings or whatever, I remember the years I had wonderfully attentive grandparents that loved me and were always a part of my life. I am reminded of spending time with my aunts and uncles and cousins and whoever else stopped by for the day - of the laughter and joy of being with people that have known you forever and love you anyway. So to me, and yes I admit I am really sentimental, it is not about food, it is about memories. Good, good memories.

How do YOU taste a memory? What takes you back? I'd love to hear from you! You can even post your recipe to share with us all!

The Unexpected on a Sunday Morning

I had a unique experience this morning - for me. I actually got up on a Sunday morning with Phil (my husband), got in the car together, ran through the drive through to get a biscuit, drove to Birmingham and went to church TOGETHER! We sat together in worship, even held hands once or twice and then went to lunch together and had the best discussions about the service and what God was saying to us. It was wonderful! I was on study break this morning and even though Phil had to come home from church and fly all the way to Tucson tonight, he was sweet enough to go with me this morning to enjoy worship at Church of the Highlands in Birmingham. What a man! He's a keeper! I was so sad to have to drive him straight to the airport on our return - he'll sadly be gone for the next two weeks. I already miss him so very much. The house seems so empty without him.

I want to share a bit about my Sunday morning. First of all, it is very, very rare for me to get to sit in worship and be completely free. If I am at The Brook and one of our other leaders are leading worship, I have still planned the service and feel responsible for all of the details coming together smoothly. So in a way I'm still on. I DO worship, but I'm still thinking "would someone fix the thermostat?", "uh oh, they're behind on the slides" or "they turned the lights down too low" or "woops, they missed a cue" or whatever. It's hard to just BE (as we've been discussing) when I'm in my home church because the reality is that when I am at The Brook, I am ALWAYS on - I am always DOING. I am a staff member and no matter what event I'm at, that doesn't change, whether I'm leading worship or not.

So this morning we go in, get a cup of Starbucks and a worship guide and find a seat. Since it was my study break we sat down front to see all the action. The church and the stage was beautifully decorated, it just got you in the mood for Christmas and gave the room a warm, peaceful feeling. I wandered around for a few minutes and took some pictures, jotted down some notes about some things I'd noticed and liked and then settled in for the service to start. I will admit I was in "worship minister mode" and not necessarily just sitting there ready to receive from God or to engage in worship. I was at this point an OBSERVER, a LEARNER - with my notebook and camera out and pen ready. Well the strangest thing happened -or maybe not! Just literally as soon as the music began and I opened my mouth to sing the first words of "Majestic", I began to cry. I have no idea why. I was not upset, I was not thinking about anything deeper than "ooh, cool set design". But I just began to weep. I have had this happen before and usually it is in worship and is a sign that I am tired and it's been TOO LONG since I have sat in worship like this. So I am crying and fumbling around in my purse for a tissue and I know Phil thinks "oh no, what is the deal now?" because he is used to my very emotional self. And I just could not stop. I cried every time we sang. It was if a dam had burst within my heart and all of the emotions just came rushing out. (and in public no less!) The relief I felt this morning completely took me off guard and was so profound I knew I had been neglecting something huge in my life. Just another lesson in how the truly essential things don't always clamor for our attention til it's too late.

If you've read my blog for awhile or know me, you know this has been a very stressful year, a very painful time of my life - I would go so far as to label it traumatic at times. And except for some short times of worship on retreat and my own private times of worship, I have not really sat in worship and just been led in about 6 months. This morning I think I could have sat there all day in God's presence. I was like a dry sponge soaking up that healing Living Water. It just felt so good. What I realized this morning is that if we are in ministry we ALL need to be totally OFF periodically, and not just for vacation. We need to be spiritually fed ourselves, for our own souls, not to learn as ministers. I knew this in my head, I believed in it deeply. But this morning I totally experienced this truth in my life. It was SO GOOD to just be a part of the body without any responsibilites, to just walk out and go to lunch, to be with my husband on Sunday, to just be Jan, a daughter of my Heavenly Father. It was so good to worship. When I first started out in ministry I couldn't bear the thought of not leading, because I do indeed love to lead worship. But there is a work that is more difficult for God to do in my heart when I am always "on" - there is a great gift in simply sitting and BEING. And God's presence does what it always does, it rights my perspective and helps me to see myself, my life, even my role as a minister in the much larger context of the greatness of God. (I urge all my friends in ministry to take a week off and be led by someone else!)

At the end of the service they had a time of prayer for peace for us - and as they sang and prayed over us I wept again. I felt God's presence in such a tangible way. I was so refreshed by being with Him and by sharing this moment with Phil. I feel like God is trying to say something momentous to me, so pray that I will have a heart that can learn and answer His call.

For now, I can echo David's words, "As for me, it is good to be near God." Amen to that.