A Worshipful Heart

Two Years Ago....

I was just thanking God today for how good I've been feeling lately. I have energy and look forward to each day. Two years ago it was a different story. I turned 40 and got very, very sick. After three doctor's visits, two misdiagnoses, and a mulitude of tests that took 8 weeks I was finally diagnosed with plain old mono. But by then alot of damage was done. I had pushed myself to continue to work, and while I just couldn't hardly work, I kept trying!!! It was a very low point and my husband was out of town alot so I had to take care of myself mostly. For those of you who've had this - usually in high school or college - you know that it really kicks your booty! Well, imagine having it in a 40 year old body! Well, it took me almost two full years to recover and it's been great to begin to feel like myself again.

Some things I've learned on the other side of mono.....

1) Ask for help. I didn't do this so I subsisted on crackers and Mountain Dew and still tried to do all my work. As a result I ended up in the ER (I had to ask for help then) and got dehydrated and had very low potassium levels. (which makes your heart do crazy things) So, I don't recommend the crackers and Mountain Dew diet! I wish now I had not tried to be such a martyr and just gone to bed and stayed there and let someone else do the work. I should have simply said "Will you help me?".

2) I am NOT the Energizer Bunny. I just can't keep going and going and going and going. I should have actually rested to recover more. I didn't learn this til I kept suffering from severe relapses. I waited til I was unable to go on, then took a nap or asked off work. I should have taken more time off of work and done NOTHING but sleep! It was hard for me to be proactive. At that time in my life I was a workaholic for sure. Even though my team did fine without me, I should NOT have pushed and I should have paid attention to the rest I needed. I paid for it for almost 2 years. I may suffer repurcussions and relapses for the rest of my life. Not fun.

3) Recovery takes time, so be patient. I just never dreamed it would take me 21 months (at least) to recover. I still have very deep body aches when I get overly tired or very stressed. When our pastor resigned I had a severe relapse that felt almost like my first bout and it lasted a whole week! (this was 21 months after I got it to begin with) These relapses are on-going wake up calls that I need to take a day off and rest. They are my body's way of saying "Stop!". So now I have a built in warning system. I have learned to be patient with myself and even thankful that I have signals to warn me that I'm overdoing it. I have learned that recovery is a process that I must cooperate with or it will simply take longer. It requires my patience and my attention. I cannot pretend it's not happening!

Can you see the life applications here? I repeat these patterns in my life over and over and I am - with God's help - trying to break them. I keep trying to prove I am self-sufficient, which is just pride. I keep trying to "soldier on" when I might really need to retreat from the front lines for a bit. I refuse to draw boundaries that allow me to care for myself because I want to prove that I can do it all! I think I also just hate to put anyone else out so I keep trying to do it all alone. Well, God is teaching me to really rethink these patterns in my life, to repent of them and to take proactive steps to do life in a different manner.......

Stay tuned for more! In the meantime I thank God for the improved health I enjoy today. I do NOT take it for granted anymore. To live life to God's glory in this earthly body is a spiritual discipline. I've learned to give thanks for my body, imperfections and all, and to try to honor and respect it a bit more. I'm not there yet, but I'm learning.

A Sweet Sound

This morning I was reminded again that one of the sweetest sounds in the world is the family of God worshiping and praising Him. When I hear the voices of my church family raised in praise it fills my heart with an overwhelming joy and an underlying amazement. It is times like these that I think I have the best job in the world. It is such a privelege to be a front row witness to see those I love engaging with God, worshiping with their whole hearts, lifting their voices and hands to express their adoration and love. I see those with broken hearts determined to give God worship. I see those going through difficulties seeking God with all of their being. I see that new believer tentatively lift their hand in praise for the first time as an offering. I see the joy on people's faces as they worship in true thanksgiving. I get to see and hear God at work each and every week and that is an awesome honor - I hope I never forget that. It is an intimate honor to see this week in and week out and there are beautiful scenes of loved ones worshiping etched in my memory forever.

A friend once shared in a sermon that a sherpa guide to Mount Everest was asked how they could keep doing it, never getting any of the glory or recognition, but helping others every time achieve something they have always dreamed of. The guide answered "Yes, it's hard work and yes, no one really knows my name. But have you seen the view from there?". That has always stuck with me because it is one of the things I most love about leading worship - seeing others connect in a meaningful way with our Savior. That inspires me, encourages me and yes, moves me to worship all the more. There is nothing like the view from there!

There is something very powerful about worship in community. Yes, I believe in private worship, and I practice that. But I also believe that there is just a very special move of the Spirit when God's people are united in one purpose - praising God. And when we look around and see our brothers and sisters honoring God and we hear the sound of their voices raised in shouts and song and cheers of praise, our spirits say "Amen" in agreement. There is a joyful unity to corporate worship! Tonight I am thankful for the opportunity to not only lead my church family in worship but also to be able to freely gather with other believers to worship and just to have the privelege of being in the company of fellow believers, and thus the physical presence of the love of Christ.

If you attended church this morning and entered into worship with your church family, thank God!!! There are many believers around the world that are imprisoned for their faith and they do not enjoy the comfort of the presence of Christ in others. They do not take the body of Christ for granted, I am sure. In China, there are churches that do not dare meet freely and openly and when they do meet secretly, they cannot even sing out loud, they must just mouth the words of praise silently. The next time you are in church during a time of praise think about that and sing LOUDLY, make His praise GLORIOUS indeed! I challenge you to - when appropriate - cheer and applaud our Great God, to worship with all of your being, to look around and note God at work right in your midst. Take advantage of every opportunity you are give to worship with the family of Christ and do so with a grateful heart. The praise of God is indeed the sweetest sound.

A Quiet Intimacy

I think that this picture captures what I want to share today. I took this photo on a walk through the campus of Marytown Retreat Center. I had been walking on the road and saw this path to the right that was quiet and secluded and it seemed to be very untraveled. As I started on the path, I noticed that mine were the only human footprints but there were indications of others having been there before me if I paid close attention. I saw lots of deer and racoon tracks. Obviously I was not alone! And as I walked through the quiet splendor of the snowy woods, I was reminded of my great God - "Though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be white as snow." The snow, the woods, the blue of the sky, and the sheer silence other than the crunch of my boots - all reminding me of my very creative God.

This is how I view my times of retreat. I take the road less traveled - a few days to go to a quiet place, along with others that also desire some solitude with our Lord. Together, we determine to be alone with God and listen for His voice. We support one another in this desire and cheer for one another when we hear from God and live that word out in our lives back home. We are FOR one another, yet we are alone with God. And what God speaks to us in the quiet stillness of retreat is very intimate and private. I always come home with a full heart, but feeling like I almost cannot share God's word to me. And this time was no different - I did receive a direction and word from God that was very encouraging and confirming, but I have no desire to talk about it. Instead I want to cherish it and hold onto it with both hands, deep in my heart, savoring the precious knowledge that God spoke to ME in a very personal, deep way. As Psalm 103 says "He fills my life with good things...." 

I enjoyed my time just tramping through the woods, and sitting in the chapel, and worshiping with friends who care about me. It was a peaceful and gentle time and I returned home refreshed and overflowing with thankfulness for God's love towards me. Click on the link to the photo album at the right "The Quiet Beauty of Winter" to see my photos of my walks through the snow and to read some of my thoughts.

All Sorts of Stuff

I'm cramming all sorts of stuff into today's blog! Read on for all the varied news....

First of all, I'm going to give you my weekly "exercise/weight loss/health" update first. I weighed in today, one day early and have lost another 3 1/2 pounds for a grand total of 10 POUNDS!! Only 30 more to go! Woo hoo! I am now beginning to tell a difference in my clothes, which is great.

Secondly, I am leaving in just a little while to go to Murfreesboro, TN to spend the night with my daughter Maria. We have a grand girl's night planned with dinner out and watching a movie or Gilmore Girls. Tomorrow I'll get up bright and early and head to the Nashville Airport for my flight to Chicago. If you are a long time reader, you'll know I go away quarterly to meet with a pastor's retreat community in the Chicago area. And although we did not get one speck of snow here, I will hopefully get to see some there. The retreats are held on a beautiful campus that includes a lake surrounded by gorgeous woods and a road to walk. I'm looking forward to taking some walks in the snow and taking pictures, which I'll post next week. This retreat is focusing on "Engaging with the Scripture for Spiritual Formation". Please pray for me as I go that I will hear a fresh and clear word from God and experience His presence in a profound way as I carve out this space and time in my life.

Finally, I have to share something that I saw this morning that truly deeply disturbed me. I went to Books A Million this morning and the Buddhist group was meeting there having what was the equivalent of an evangelistic meeting, giving out little tote bags, etc. There were probably 25 people listening. What disturbs me is this - what drives people in the absolute buckle of the Bible belt to consider alternatives to the Christian church when they feel a spiritual need? While I feel that people are more spiritually open today, I'm afraid they are open to more things as well. Just another sign that we really need to get busy and make sure that we are offering the TRUTH of Jesus. The church may not be the first place people look anymore. Maybe we need to reserve Books a Million next weekend?!

If we did, what would you call it and what would you do?

Shimmies

Well forget what I said about not having graduated to the coin belts in belly dancing. Last night the instructor brought some in and we wore them and learned to ......well, kind of.....shimmy!!!! Which is harder than it looks. It was a noisy class, to say the least. And we all looked so elegant and beautiful with our athletic pants, long tshirts and coin belts! But I must say I was disappointed. My belt was just too quiet. I want more coins! This is a blast!

Resolution Update #1

I posted about a week ago on some of my resolutions for 2008 and I wanted to share with you my progress. I am hoping that posting about it will keep me accountable and I know your support will help me. First of all, my diet. I started with 40 pounds to lose and I am happy to report that I lost 6 1/2 lbs. this week!!! Yea!! I am thrilled. Only 34 more to go! I'm on my way. I joined with a team of ladies to participate in "Scale Back Alabama" and we weighed in on Monday, each working to lose 10 pounds each in 10 weeks and if we do qualifying for the prize of $1000 EACH!  My team is Linda, Sheila and Kathy and their support means so much to me. GO TEAM!

I also had as one of my goals to increase my activity and I - along with several brave or crazy friends - began a belly dancing class on Tuesday night. It was a hoot! We had a great time together and laughed alot. I figured we burned as many calories laughing as we did swiveling our hips (or trying to - it's WAY harder than it looks). Before you say "ooh gross" like my son Daniel did, it's really just like any other exercise class. We're all in sweats - I promise we've not graduated to veils, finger cymbals and coin belts yet! It works your core and I felt it the next morning. A big shout out to my fellow Belly Dancing Babes Melodie, Linda, Lori, Alice, Sheila, and Tammy!! Woo hoo! I enjoyed experiencing this TOGETHER as much as I did the exercise, which left me so energized. Lori had the best comment of the night. The instructor kept saying "As you face the audience....etc." and finally Lori said "What audience are we taling about here? There's not going to be a recital at the end of this is there?????" Thankfully for the audience in question, NO! I do think I learned a "life lesson" through choosing to do this though. I think the older I get the less I care. What would have embarassed me to death when I was 25 just doesn't bother me now, so I can have more fun and experience life more fully, or be more embarassing as my daughter Maria claims. Oh well, think of how much I would miss if I never did anything that might embarass me! I also worked out several times on our elliptical runner so I'm moving more than before and feeling great!

The other goals I had for the beginning of this year were to pursue a hobby and set up a special, sacred space for our quiet times. This weekend we got to work and cleaned out our bedroom sitting area and I accomplished both goals! While they are not totally complete, I do have a beautiful corner with our chairs and some objects on an end table that speak to me and bring me peace - my holding cross, my picture of the salt marsh on Pawleys Island, my new communion set that Phil bought me from a potter in Georgia. I set up my scrapbooking supplies and spent a few hours working on my pictures from France. I enjoyed the peace of a space all my own as I relaxed and scrapbooked and then prayed over the services this morning.

Life change is hard. It's hard to do something different, to break out of our ruts, to choose to travel in a different direction. I moved at least a few degrees this week!

The Chief End of Worship

The chief end of worship is obedience. A very wise worship leading friend of mine said this and I totally agree. If we only sing, if we only spend time reveling in God's presence and are not changed and moved as a result, our worship is .....well.....empty. But it's so easy to do. We enjoy the beauty of God's presence, we sing our hearts out and then we go home and sadly, we forget. We cannot sing about going where God wants us to or surrendering our whole lives or even address God as our King if we never do anything about it!

In times of worship we encounter the living God. When we come face to face with the Holy One we are forever changed - and it's from the inside out. The first thing that I've seen happen in my own life is the knowledge of the holiness and might of our great God. When I focus on Him and as I spend more time with Him and become more and more aware of who He is, I also become increasingly aware of my own sinful state. My attitudes snap into focus, the anger I've been holding onto seems clear and defined - as I see the truth of who God is, I also see the truth of who I am in His presence. And while I am a sinful human being, I am also a child of the Father who is deeply loved.

The beautiful thing about having my heart exposed in God's presence is that His presence is LOVING. As I see my sin, acknowledge my sin to a loving God and ask forgiveness, God always, always readily forgives and calls me to action.  He never leaves me alone.

Because the best way to honor God, to worship God, is to obey Him.............what is God calling you to do to live out your worship?

A New (yet old) Journey

Well here we are again, at the beginning of a new year and we all know what that means! Time to get my life in order. I sometimes wonder if that will ever happen! But I've taken a few steps towards caring for myself that I'd like to share with you. They may seem insignificant to you but they are pretty huge to me. Please pray for me as I set out on a new leg of this never ending journey. My desire is to reduce my stress levels, relax more, lose weight, spend more time with my family and friends......what we all want, right?

So here goes. My first goal is to lose - dare I say it? - 40 pounds this year. Yikes! That sounds impossible. I started my diet yesterday - I am going to try Nutrisystem - and hope to see some significant progress by the time Phil and I go to Kauai in May! Although i really want to look better and for my clothes to actually fit again, I have many health concerns as well. I'd like my energy levels to be higher and I just feel like the past few years have taken a toll on my body. I know I am at a higher risk for breast cancer and PCOD with my weight being higher. Finally, we had a wonderfully celebrative time of worship at the end of our worship services on Sunday morning and I got so out of breath! It was sobering. I want to be able to dance while I lead if the Spirit so moves! So I've joined a small team of women to weigh in once a week, and I have a few walking partners to support me and I also am taking - gasp - a belly dancing class! This is apparently a new craze in core fitness and is supposed to be loads of fun and lots of laughs. I'm looking forward to some time with friends as I exercise as well.

I also am truly going to pursue a hobby. That sounds lame doesn't it? I really don't have one and so since I love to scrapbook I am going to actually jump in with both feet now. With this hobby I can be creative, preserve my memories (I am unashamedly sentimental) and spend time with friends who also love this hobby. I'm even setting up a scrapbooking space in my upstairs sitting room so I can see my junk and organize my pictures. I can't wait for my good friend Stacy to come help me get it all set up!

Finally, I am creating my own sacred space so that Phil and I will have a quiet place for our quiet times and a place dedicated to journaling and praying and seeking the Lord. No laptops or laundry allowed!

I ask for your prayer support and encouragement as well as I seek to take these steps towards overall health!

Favorite Blog of 2007?

I was looking back through some of my posts and it was amazing to me how I sensed God at work in my life as I re-read my thoughts and the events of this year. It reminded me once again that God works in truly mysterious ways.

I would love to hear from you about my posts in 2007. Read back through them and let me know what your favorite blog was and I will republish the winner next week. I look forward to hearing how God spoke to your heart through my own spiritual journey with Him.

PLEASE VOTE!!