A Worshipful Heart

The Story Continues

**The last two years have been truly life changing for me. I know I will never be the same and God has used these experiences in ways I never could have imagined. Here's the beginning of that story, which follows rather closely what I shared at The Brook on Sunday, April 20th of this year. Please remember that I write this blog as an individual, not to represent The Brook in anyway and I write about these events with the knowledge and blessing of our former pastor.**

In January of 2006 I had two momentous events occur in my life. I turned 40 one day and came down with mono the next. To better understand my struggle with mono, you can read my post, “Two years ago”. To say the least, it was tough! It would take almost two years to recover and during that two years I would face the biggest emotional challenges of my life. Here is the beginning of that story.

In April of 2006, we had our regular Saturday night service and then a few of us stayed afterwards to rehearse some music for Easter services. Our student pastor was playing guitar and during this time we both got phone calls from our pastor. All we knew that our pastor’s wife may have tragically and unexpectedly died – we did not know if she was still alive or not. As we literally jumped off that stage and ran to the car, we were truly racing into the unknown. Our pastor’s wife was a long time friend of mine. We had known one another and shared life for 23 years. Phil and I attended their wedding, I helped with their wedding shower, we supported these friends through seminary and celebrated many special times in life together. Planting a church together was a dream come true. The ride to their home was surreal. I can remember thinking I would hyperventilate and pass out and the rest of the night did not get any better. It was a true nightmare for many reasons. And in the end we lost our friend.

As I sat in their living room I remember thinking “I have no idea what to do”. In this moment of tragedy I felt catapulted into caring for others, handling details, making decisions, making sure that ministry and services at The Brook went on unhindered. I felt responsible for making sure it all held together and the truth was I just had no idea how to do that. What we went through is not in a book or a class anywhere. I didn’t know how to make the dozens of phone calls I would have to make to break this news, but I did. I didn’t know how to plan and carry out two services the next morning and break the news to our church family, but we did that too. I didn’t know how to answer all of the questions, nor did I have the answers. I didn’t know how to lead worship after such an event but that was something I also would need to learn. And I didn’t know how to lead worship at the funeral of a friend, but that was something I must face as well. And during all of this I was torn, very torn, between my own incredible grief and my desire to minister to our pastor, his family and our church. It seemed I had no choice. I could not stop to pay attention to my own feelings because – after all – doesn’t a good soldier continue to fight and keep pressing on? I was needed and I was happy to be helpful in any small way I could. But it was undeniably hard.

It all seems a bit of a blur to me now. Some moments stand out in stark relief and others just seem like a shadow. I was shaken by moments of gut-wrenching physical grief when I would cry so hard I would almost throw up or feel like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep or stand to be in the dark. I had recurring images flash through my mind and I would have nightmares as well if I ever did get to sleep. (all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder I was later diagnosed with) Yet if you saw me during this time you probably would never have known these things because I tried so hard to keep doing what needed to be done. I didn’t think I had a choice. We had not only a family, but a church to care for. We were in an emergency situation and I couldn’t let down my guard, I had to keep on ministering and caring and handling things. I saw a mirrored stress on my fellow staff members as we all wondered what to do but none of us seemed able to really articulate what was going on inside of us – and in reality, who had the time anyway?! We were needed. And because I was needed, I could not stop to rest or even to grieve. Or at least this is what I told myself.

Tomorrow I may write about what it was like to lead worship the morning after this occurred and at the funeral......

Home Again

Well I am home again. My mind and heart are so full of things I could share but I think I need to let them "cook" just a bit before deciding what I should share and what should remain just between God and myself. I had an absolutely amazing time away with God and my retreat community on this retreat though. It was a very positive thing in my life. I spent time looking back on the last quarter identifying God's presence and movement in my life and that was powerful. I spent time really looking inward as well, asking God some tough questions about my personality, behavior and response patterns, and even my fears and doubts. More than anything, I thought alot about how God has designed me to be, well, me! I think I am finally growing up and seeing how God has created me. I read and re-read Psalm 139 which is a powerful prayer and affirmation that there is nothing in me God does not see. I will blog more about this later and share some of my pre-retreat writings as well. I also spent many hours praying for my children, journaling and seeking God's face. This retreat was a more peaceful time for me. Even in the midst of self examination I felt very peaceful and at rest in God's love for me.

This retreat was a powerful time of community for us all I believe. We have only been together 4 times but it was amazing to me how deeply my heart has been knit together with this group of Believers. We really rejoiced to see one another again, there were lots of hugs and even tears as we came together once again. This group's encouragement in my journey was a key to my decision to take this sabbatical and they really have rejoiced and prayed with me. As Christian leaders, they are really aware of what this opportunity signifies for me and they have given much wise insight and challenged me as I begin this time. I cannot really over emphasize what an impact their lives have had on my own.

One remarkable sweet moment for me this retreat was a time of confession we shared in worship on Tuesday. It was so humbling to be a witness and a participant as we together confessed our brokenness - the places in our lives where we are quite simply "unlike Christ". For me this was deeply moving and a truly holy moment. To my dear friends at The Transforming Center, thank you for being you in all honesty and without pretense. In the mirror of one another's brokenness, in your tears and in your honesty, God reminds me there is healing and freedom. You give me courage!

More later.....

 

Random Thoughts

My post yesterday was fairly heavy so today's is a bit lighter. First I want to share a couple of pictures from my "going away party" that our praise team had for me last Friday night. (Was that just a week ago?)

Our group's name is Wholehearted and they serve God with all that they have. These are a few of my favorite people in the whole wide world - they are very loving friends. I miss them already! Love you guys!

I also wanted to let you know that I will be out of town for a few days so I'll be taking a blogging break - I'll return Tuesday night. I am leaving tomorrow afternoon for one of my quarterly retreats with The Transforming Center up near Chicago. For some pictures of the beautiful scenery of my last retreat in January, click here . Amazingly enough, snow is in the forecast for Monday while I'm there! yikes! I had hoped for beautiful spring weather like we have had here! I'm going up a day early and will be spending lots of time walking around the beautiful campus, sitting in the chapel and diving into journaling my way through "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" which I mentioned in my blog, "Read with Me".

Pray for me while I'm away - for safe travel, and more importantly, for me to hear God's voice and sense His presence. Pray for my family as well. On this retreat, we will be studying the spiritual discipline of self-examination and my particular prayer request is that I will hear God's voice and not self-condemnation, which I am prone to do. Pray that I can rest and trust God with a few things I am leaving here at home that are on my mind.

Finally, for a totally off the wall topic, I wanted to share with you a moment of joy in my week. I love flowers. I particularly love when they are growing in my yard and I can go out and cut some for the house. I have sadly neglected my yard the last couple of years but these hardy roses don't seem to care. If you have visited my house you have seen my supposedly "climbing" roses spilling all over my sidewalk. I forgot to prune them in February (when you are supposed to around here) and when I got around to it they were covered in buds and I couldn't bring myself to cut them all off. These pictures show why! I get so much joy out of roses in particular. They smell amazing (particularly my pink Gertrude Jekyll ones) and remind me of my grandmother, who had a beautiful REAL rose garden. Anyway, I just wanted to show you my beautiful roses which God blessed me with even though I did not take care of them as I should have. Another picture of God's mercy and grace in my life! Aren't they gorgeous? Just another little serendipity that I do not deserve!

I hope you have a wonderful weekend and I will be praying for all of you worshiping at The Brook. May God's presence move in a mighty way!

 

Thoughts on Being a Woman in Ministry

**Once again, this posting is a part of my testimony. This post in particular may be difficult for some of you to read without pouncing on the keys to debate with me. Please don't. As I have stated before, this is my own experience and testimony and I hope you will allow God to speak to you through what He has done in my life. Read prayerfully and to understand. Also, these are my own thoughts, I do not write them to represent The Brook in any way.**

I’ve thought a lot about how this experience of being a woman in ministry leadership has shaped me. It has been a difficult road for me at times. Thankfully not at this present time, but at times it has been a very confusing and painful place to live. I mentioned in an earlier post that when others – particularly pastors – said that I should not lead worship because I was woman, it was very spiritually confusing to me. It implied that what I was doing was wrong and if it was wrong, then it was in fact a sin and that thought broke my heart. That is a heavy thing to say to someone. Add to that the fact that I felt such a clear sense of calling and purpose and knew in the deepest places of my heart that God had designed me to do this and I was one confused woman at times. This confusion and absolute terror that I was doing something that was displeasing to God drove me to examine my own heart, motivations and desires and to get on my face and seek God. I dove into the Word and prayed and came to a place of true peace with being called into ministry. I don’t doubt this anymore. In fact the calling of God is something I cannot escape. I have – in bad moments – tried. The truth of the matter is that I know with almost as much certainty as I know my own name that God has called me. His voice has been so clear and I thank Him for that.

Through the years, though, there have been others that have not been as accepting and understanding of my role in ministry. For the most part I have been loved, accepted and respected and I am thankfulf for every friend and voice of encouragement along the way, but there have been notable exceptions. Many hateful things have been said to me as people voiced their disagreement. At times I have been deeply wounded and wondered if I would ever actually be able to fully use my gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. I am hopeful that those of us who “break the mold” a bit in our own setting pave the way for change in our church culture at large.

I could share forever on this topic but I wanted – as a part of my testimony – to confine this post to sharing some of my feelings over the years, some of the unique pains and some of my observations as well. Remember, I am sharing my own experiences and how God worked in my life as a result. No argumentative comments debating women in ministry please! Read to learn, understand and gain compassion please. I believe God will speak to you if you allow that. Although this list may sound really negative, God has used each one of these things to teach me.

1)      I have been most hurt not by those that simply disagree with me, but by those that equate being a woman in ministry with a sin, such as being a homosexual. That correlation has been drawn more than once as I have talked to people. Derogatory terms have been used in my presence – and by people I don’t even know or have just met! This equating of being a woman serving in ministry to an obvious act of sinful behavior has wounded me deeply because my first desire is to obey and honor God. I believe it must wound God’s heart as well – because He created all of the women in the world – and He did it in His image.

2)      I am further appalled that those who profess to both love and know Christ have been so very hateful in the name of God in defending their position. There is something very wrong about that. I find it amazing that in judging what they perceive to be a sin in another’s life, they themselves are very willing to act in sinful and ungodly ways.

3)      Whenever an issue would arise that revolved around my role in ministry it chipped away at my heart a little bit more. It's hard to be the source of contention simply because of your gender. It is – all at once – embarrassing, humiliating and guilt-producing. Please don’t take that as an admission of guilt. Women are notorious for carrying “false guilt”. Whenever someone got upset and went into see the pastor about my role, I felt horrible about it. I wondered if I should quit just to make peace. It’s a terrible feeling and I wanted so badly for someone to look at my heart, not at my gender.

4)      I have struggled with feeling like I am “almost a minister” – willingly used but for many years never truly affirmed. Titles and responsibilities have been questioned and argued, my ordination was a source of great concern for some, my being allowed to teach was debated by many. In many ways I felt as if I was not truly a minister, except in my heart - and I longed to be used by God.  I did not feel legitimized by the church (huge point here) and this left me feeling confused, used, resentful and hungry to know that what I did really mattered for eternity.    

5)      Because I so desperately longed to prove that I could do my job and because I was so fearful of being replaced, I became a workaholic. I let other’s view of my life shape me far too much. I admit that this was wrong. I am by nature a people pleaser and I hate conflict and I so desperately desired affirmation in my role that I overworked and cared far too much what others thought. This is an area of my life where God has been working overtime!

6)      One of my very best guy friends told me once, “Jan, just by doing your job you force people to face their own prejudice and preconceived ideas– and that is never easy or fun.” Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it.

7) I worried for many years because I do not lead like most men I know. At first I saw this as a lacking on my part, but now I see that I just approach things from a different perspective and in my own personal manner. I have learned that my "femaleness" has uniquely positive things to offer in leadership. I am now happy being myself as I do my job!

8) I carried a chip on my shoulder for quite a while and had to repent of that. I am getting a glimpse of God's heart for us - true unity and community and loving respect. What a great model for the world that does not know Jesus!

There is so much more that I could share but I must stop here for now. I pray that as you read you will seek to understand this pain and how God has used it in my life to grow me, strengthen me, challenge me, stretch me and help me gain the wisdom I need. I do want to say that I love serving at The Brook. I am treated with the utmost respect and care. I thank God that I serve at a church where we are all honored because Christ is in us all and “therefore there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28) I am deeply grateful for this gift. Through these precious friends the love of Christ has healed me in deep ways. Thank you, my church family, for being patient with me on this journey.

Break for Sabbatical Update

I was supposed to write about some things I have learned and experienced as a woman in ministry but to be honest, I'm just not ready to write about that tonight. I don't know what else to say - it's just painful and awkward and I need more time to process so I can say what I really SHOULD say and not mispeak in any way. It can be a pretty emotionally charged topic and it always makes me really cry to talk or write about it so I need to save it for another day when I feel more emotionally prepared. Thanks for understanding.

So I decided to take a break from the very emotional task of writing through my testimony and spiritual journey the last few years and simply give you an update on how my sabbatical is going. For the most part this week has been really wonderful. I've caught up around the house pretty much, made cookies with Daniel, actually cooked dinner and worked in my yard some. I spent the day with a friend, organized my pictures and made some gifts, scrapbooked, watched a whole movie, walked almost every day and got up every morning when I wanted to. But what I really want you to know is that I feel more present to God this week. My slower pace has allowed me to linger in God's presence, to sit and read and journal and not have to get up and move onto something else. My mind is not distracted by "church worries" or even knowing I am going to have to be somewhere in a few minutes. I feel like I can both start and finish a conversation with God. I've enjoyed listening to worship music simply as a worshiper. No services to plan, no thinking, "ooh, we should do that!", just letting the songs be a conversation between God and ?I. That's been so nice. I feel like I have heard more from God in three days than I have in a long time. And what God speaks to me in my morning quiet time stays with me as I take life at this slower pace.

However, I am struggling just a bit tonight. Phil is out of town and I feel alone. Maybe it was knowing everyone was at rehearsal but me. Maybe I tried to do too much this week. Whatever it is, tonight I feel a bit lonely and sad. Mainly I just miss my husband! His presence so often seems to make everything feel allright again. There's nothing like being with my best friend. My best guess is that there will be a few emotional roller coasters during this time. I don't think that healing is a linear process - there's alot of going back and forth and to heal we must address the pain, which is, well, painful!

Here are a few things I have noticed this week:

- I still am addicted to email and struggle not to pull out my laptop and look at it constantly. Pray for me about this. (This will not be a temptation in Hawaii)

- I have cried very easily all week - listening to music, looking at pictures, writing my testimony, having my time with God. My emotions just seem so close to the surface.

- I am still more of a control freak than I would like. I had to clean the house in order to relax. I struggle with not having a "job" or "project" or at least a plan to do each day. I need to learn to be okay with being "useless" for a while. Because of this I am reducing my goal list so I can rest more.

Continue to pray. I long to hear from God in this time.

Can God Use Even Me? My Testimony Part 2

**Once again, just want to encourage you to read my testimony with an open heart. I don't want us to get sidetracked with debates over issues so please keep your comments positive and on topic. I hope God speaks to you through my story.**

If you want to listen to what I shared in church on Sunday, just go here and click on the audio for "The Struggle to Rest". My part starts at about 39 minutes. I also wanted to share a few pictures from my Sending Service. My post for today is below!

                                                            

(Continued from yesterday)

Well, not long after this our little church plant voted to close it’s doors. We weren’t growing and had been in existence almost 4 years. We were a part of the 80% of church plants that simply do not make it. The day after we voted to do this, a friend called Phil and asked him how much they would have to pay me to come lead worship at a new church plant being planned for the Madison area. Phil told him to double my salary and we’d come. (I wasn’t being paid so this wasn’t hard!) Although Phil was eager to jump on board, I was not so eager. At this point in time I didn’t really trust pastors. There, I’ve said it. I had a very poor opinion of senior pastors and was terrified of entering ministry again, particularly in a church plant. I’d been there, done that, got the badge, tshirt and plaque. “No thank you” was my first reply. I had had my fill of leading worship then running back and keeping the nursery, then running back to lead worship again. I knew what it was like to try to run a ministry on no money at all or if money was needed, it had to come out of my own pocket. I had no confidence it would work out and I was exhausted and tired. I didn’t want to start all over again. I was afraid of being hurt again. For the first time in my life I WANTED to go join a church and sit quietly on the back pew. I had been burned and didn’t want to venture anywhere near that source of pain. And honestly, I’d lost confidence in myself as well. I thought if I was their only option they must be really bad off! But as Phil and I began to pray about it I began to see that this invitation was not simply from a long time friend but from the heart of God Himself. I finally said a very scared and timid “yes” to God and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. Even though I wanted to, I could not sit on the sidelines in fear forever because I could not deny God’s calling on my life. I couldn’t ignore the thunder of God’s calling to my heart. And as I responded in obedience God took me on a journey that is still not completed – a journey of healing, of stretching and growing me in ways I never could have imagined, of learning to trust again and perhaps most importantly, of seeing how He designed me for His purposes. When we started The Brook (formerly Willowbrook West Worship Center – yes it’s a mouthful and I don’t know what we were thinking!) our praise team consisted of one guitar and about four pretty terrified vocalists. And then there was me. I was absolutely petrified of failing again, of any man who could sing or play guitar walking through the door and replacing me. My confidence was shot and I was struggling to trust again and that was a fun dynamic to bring to the group. And have I mentioned I STILL had no idea what I was doing? I felt like someone launched me on this wild roller coaster ride and I couldn’t catch my breath. But amazingly enough God moved in a remarkable way. In spite of us, in spite of my own inexperience and fear, God used us. The only experience that has stretched me more than the last ten years in ministry is becoming a mother. Wow! The learning curve was quite steep and I was constantly challenged to move to new levels and learn new skills. Now I laugh and say I’m no longer nervous leading worship because I have simply made every mistake you can possibly make and lived to tell about it so there is nothing left to fear. But through it all I’ve grown. I think I’ve grown more into the woman God desires me to be as I’ve clung tightly to Him because I surely did not have the talent and ability to do it on my own – I hope I’ve matured and developed and grown as a servant leader and minister. I know I am more confident of my calling, and maybe most importantly, I know more of what I don’t know. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? You know, I’ve always sort of mourned that I don’t have a dynamic personality or a spectacular voice. I’ve regretted that I’m not really good at playing any instrument except shaker and tambourine. (that was a joke) I’ve felt woefully inadequate every single day (possibly every hour) I’ve served God as a minister. I’ve wondered at times what in the world God was thinking when He asked me to do this thing. Surely there is someone more capable, exciting, anointed, experienced and talented! At times I’ve thought my only real abilities were writing notes and taking care of people and making cookies. These hardly seemed to be the ingredients for the making of a mighty woman of God in my mind. Why did God call me to ministry? I honestly do not know. I only know He did. I’m trusting Him to use me as He sees fit. Thankfully the Bible is full of people just like me! Perhaps my lack of overwhelming natural talent has kept me humbly seeking Him. Perhaps He uses even my lack. That is a comforting thought to me.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing some about being a woman in ministry leadership. I think this thing is going to take longer than a week but I hope you'll stay with me and continue to read!

God, Are You Sure You Meant ME?

**This is my testimony. I hope you will read it with an open and loving heart. Please understand that as I write I am not interested in a debate over theological issues, ministry issues, or anything else so please refrain from those types of comments. This blog in particular touches on the issue of women in leadership and I ask that this issue not be debated here at this time. I am simply sharing my story and what God has taught me as I have walked through life. I pray that God will touch your heart somehow and that you will find a connection to your own journey with Christ. Read to learn and understand and grow together.**

I promised you I would unpack my testimony a bit more this week but I'm going to dive right into when I first started leading worship. If you have never read my "birth story" about how I came to know Christ and was called to ministry it's already posted on my blog and you can read it here. That should give you the background you need for this next part of my story. This part of my story begins 14 years ago, so it's a bit of a rewind.

When I was about 28 years old Phil and I began to look for a new church. This was in about 1994 I think. This was very painful for me. I had left friends and I was grieving this change in my life. I had served blissfully on our praise team for eight years and enjoyed my role on the back row of the stage. I didn’t long for anything more as a vocalist. I loved singing BGVs and considered it a privilege to sing at all. Can I say that at this point in my life becoming a worship leader had NEVER entered my mind?! During this time, I wondered if we would end up in a bigger church and I could not imagine tapping the worship leader on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, by the way, I sing. Would you let me sing with you?” I just thought that perhaps I would sit quietly in the pews for this next era of my life and Phil even jokingly said, “You can sing for me and the kids!”. (This didn’t make me feel better by the way) At this point I honestly thought I would never sing again. When I look back at myself at that time I just laugh. I had such a limited view not only of God but of life in general. I wanted to use this passion of mine for God’s glory and I connect with God in a very deep way when I worship Him. I couldn’t imagine NEVER using my voice for Him again. Well, we searched and searched, trying to find a church. We finally settled on a little church that was just starting out. This was the first time I had ever heard of a “church plant”. We were excited although there were maybe just 20 people there. We thought we had found what we most wanted and were excited to be a part of this new beginning. I had determined that I would NOT tell anyone I was a vocalist. If God wanted me to sing, He would bring it to pass was my logic here. (I didn’t say it was GOOD logic, but this was my thought process) Well, God intervened through my husband Phil and before long I was asked to lead worship at this little church plant that was meeting in a Seventh Day Adventist school. I will just stop right here and tell you – I had no idea what I was doing. None. Whatsoever. At all. And all of you “real” worship leaders out there that lead from an instrument will laugh at this – I led worship to tracks! And yes, it was awful. Just me, a tape player and Phil on the sound board. I shudder when I think about it. While I play both piano and guitar I don’t play either one well enough to be confident in leading while playing. (Besides I like to walk around and raise my hands too much!) But even though it was awful in some ways and even though I thought I might truly hurl all over the front row the first time I led, it was a profound moment for me. I felt God’s pleasure in a very strong way as I led worship, even in these less than perfect circumstances. I didn’t have any training or experience as a leader, I had no team, I had no mentor but what I did have was a white hot passion to see others engage with God and worship Him. You see, that is how God had been working in my life. I can only vaguely remember a handful of sermons that I have ever heard, but I can remember God speaking to me over and over during worship very vividly. I was a passionate worshiper and was learning so much as I worshiped God – I longed to see this happen in other’s lives as well. My method of leading at that time – if it can be called that – was simply to worship and encounter God and hope others would come along for the party. Over the next three years our “team” grew to include a couple of musicians and a few vocalists. We did simple songs, had no budget, and used an overhead projector. There were no bells and whistles. But we had a great time and we enjoyed one another and began to grow as worshipers as well. I thought God was at work and I was thrilled to be along for the ride.

One day it all seemed to crumble for me - I hit a wall in ministry that had never entered my thoughts: our church leadership made the decision that a woman could not hold this position of leadership. So I had to step down. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words. Our church was never told the truth – only that I was “taking a break” – and that hurt even more. I was faced with some difficult decisions and my entire team threatened to leave the church if I didn’t stay on the team as a member. I felt very alone as I wrestled and struggled because I was so embarrassed that I never really spoke to anyone about it. I struggled with being sure of my calling. I struggled to know if I could, in fact, even discern God’s voice at all. I had thought I had heard God’s voice so clearly, but if this group of men was correct then I had been really deluded! I felt God’s pleasure in such a deep way as I led worship so if it was unbiblical for me to do so, then what did those feelings and leadings mean? Was I just crazy? I struggled to believe my pastor. What if there really was some other reason? What if this was just an excuse and I really just wasn’t good enough? I struggled with my attitude and to keep a pure heart before God. I wanted desperately to submit to my pastor and remain in worship ministry but inside I struggled with painful wounds and anger and resentment. I struggled mightily to forgive. And I would struggle for at least 10 years with how this impacted the way I see myself.

In some ways I felt as if this was a test and my response was hugely important. I can remember God saying “Jan, I don’t hold you responsible for what someone does to you, but you are responsible for your own response to them.” As I prayed I can remember hearing God say “There are better things to come”. (I couldn’t even envision what that might mean, but I just kept trying to follow God.) So I waited, and I submitted – not perfectly, but with great effort – and God was with me all during that struggle. I dealt with some aspects of it more easily than others and the impact of this event on my life has been huge, but God faithfully led me through every area of this wondering, struggling, wrestling and questioning. This was a moment of refinement for me, a chance to truly seek God about my calling from Him, to dig into His word and be sure of what I believe and it was a bit of a taste of some things I would encounter eventually as a vocational minister. Looking back I clearly see God’s hand in this situation. Although I felt like it, I was never truly alone. This was preparation for the next phase of my life in ministry. God used this time and these events in my life in ways I could have never dreamed or imagined. I'll share more later on how I feel God used this for good.

Tomorrow...Chapter 2 - We get the call from The Brook! Stay Tuned!

Feelin' the Love!

Well to say that I feel overwhelmingly loved is an understatement. I have felt surrounded by prayers and the love of my church family this past week. Precious friends have written me cards, which I love and read over and over. I am going to post them on the wall during this time of sabbatical so I can see them and be reminded in a concrete way of the love and prayers of my church family and friends. Friday night the praise team gathered at the home of my sweet friends, Robert and Christie Ross. We had chocolate desserts and a meaningful time of worship led by my co-worker, dear friend and trailer mate :), Josh Britt. There is not a more beautiful sound than the sound of praise to God and it is even more precious when I hear the voices of those I love and live life with. With Christie singing on one side of me and Phil holding my handing and singing on the other it was a touching moment for me. Afterwards I was taken to a side room and my friends and teammates all came in one by one and prayed over me. I can't describe what this was like for me. It was simply beautiful and touched me in the deepest part of my heart. We sat and wept together and as I heard their words of love, thanksgiving, and their intercessions for me, I just felt covered by love. It was very healing for me and I thank God for those peaceful moments and loving prayers. A big thank you to Stacy, Christie, Robert and Josh for planning this for me.

This morning was my "Sending Service(s)" at church and I woke up rather early with butterflies in my stomach and last minute anxieties that I am prone to. I was looking forward to today but I was also a bit nervous and weepy. I was a little concerned about sharing my story so openly. There was a very bittersweet feeling to the entire morning for me because I will miss my church family. However, I do feel like God moved in a deep way. Our times of worship together were sweet. People seemed to really engage with God. My in-laws and my parents both came to share the day with me and some old friends came and joined us to see me off on this adventure of sabbatical. Once again I felt surrounded by love. As I shared my story, people were attentive and I could see that they could identify with aspects of my journey and struggles. As I shared my own grief and struggle through pain and need to rest, I could see that resonate with people. I watched as people who I know have gone through very tough times sat and nodded their heads, cried many tears, and with a look we said to one another, "I understand."

Then I had the most beautiful moments of the whole morning. In each service 4 very dear friends were asked to pray over me and to affirm me. This was such a precious surprise for me and I couldn't have asked for anything more meaningful to me. Some were members of my team, some were friends in our church that I have walked with for many years, and some were new friends that God is using in my life as well. They all encouraged me in the Lord, spoke such sweet and kind words about me, and prayed God's word over me. This is a gift I will cherish and carry with me the rest of my life because it is truly an eternal gift that touched my soul. Thank you Stacy, Linda, Ray, Wendel, Dean, Mark and Cheryl for this gift from your heart to mine.

As I lined up to say goodbye to friends I thought how wonderful it was to have this moment to look back on. I will carry these memories with me and as I travel and as I seek God, these dear friends will go with me in spirit through their prayers and love. Today I felt the nearness and physical presence of Christ in the touch of my brothers and sisters. To my family at The Brook - thank you for ministering to me. God used you to surround me with "tender mercies and loving kindness". (Psalm 103)

Tonight I feel one overwhelming emotion - I am thankful that I am loved. 

**Keep reading! I'll be sharing each day a segment of my testimony and elaborating a bit more than I was able to this morning! Comment to let me know you're keeping up!**

How Do I Feel?

I've been asked many times this week, "Well how do you feel?". Today was my last day in the office until July 30th. Our staff took me to lunch. I have finished up all my tasks, changed my phone message and turned off call forwarding, cleaned off my desk and yes, I am finished. So here is how I feel...

- it feels very surreal, like a dream. It feels unreal

- at the same time I feel very relieved and excited

- while also feeling a bit sad because I'll miss everyone and worried that I've forgotten something!

- Now that I've finished up so much work I feel relaxed and very energized

- yet I also feel a bit nervous about sharing my story on Sunday

- I'm very emotional - everything feels significant. I keep thinking, "It's the last time I will rehearse with my team til July 30th! It's the last time I will hang out in the office til August! It's the last time I will lead worship until August!" and on and on and on.

- Mainly though I am looking forward to all God has planned for me. I feel a sense of adventure and energy as I consider what is ahead for me. I feel that this is a hugely significant time in my journey with God.

To quote the great Don Moen, "God is good all the time!". Keep reading for more of my story!

Hug Campaign for Sunday!!

Okay, so I am totally ripping of my friend, Johnny's blog material for this quick post. I watched this video and cried. It touched me to see people pause and say, "What the hey! okay, you can hug me!".  As I commented on Johnny's site, "All That I Can't Leave Behind", I think as believers we've thrown out touching because we don't want to be misunderstood. In doing so (and I'm not saying don't use common sense) we've perhaps thrown out a wonderful way to express the physical presence of Christ to one another. I am a self confessed toucher, hugger, cuddler. So if you're at The Brook on Sunday, consider this my ad for a "Free Hug" on Sunday. Come see me and even though I won't be holding up a sign, I will gladly give you a free hug! **The inclusion of this video on my blog site does not endorse the music of the Sick Puppies** :)