A Worshipful Heart

Reunited with Friends

I wanted to let you know I arrived safely in Frankfurt, Germany yesterday morning to be greeted by my dear friend, Lana and her husband Keith. It was an easy trip (if you can say that about a 9 hour flight) and I had no problems with passports/customs and the like. I can celebrate cause I now have a new stamp in my passport! woo hoo! During my flight from Atlanta to Frankfurtmy seatmate was a young woman from the former USSR (Moldova is the little country I think) and she had been in the US as an exchange student. She was most impressed with peanut butter and Reeses Peanut Butter cups! I enjoyed getting to know her and it was answer to prayer to be surrounded by friendly and helpful travelers on this journey.

It has been a tremendous joy to be reunited with Lana and to get to know Keith better. We've already spent many hours talking about church, life, ministry, where God is leading us and what He is teaching us, etc. It's so good to connect with believers all over the world, particularly those great friends God has graced our lives with. I've enjoyed the conversation and the camraderie of catching up on our lives. I've loved seeing Lana's excitement as she shares about her job where she gets to minister to many military families.

Yesterday I got settled in and slept a bit then we went down to the Hapstrasse (I think this is how you spell it), which is the pedestrian area of Heidelberg. It is very lovely and by the river. We ate dinner at a place called roughly (in German) "The Beer and the Pretzel" or something close. I had this pizza like dish with a white sauce. Very yummy. Then we capped it off with Italian ices. I fell into bed at 8:00 pm, so tired I could hardly keep my eyes open!

Today I am going with a friend to see Heidelberg's castle and to go to lunch and shopping. Tonight I will get a glimpse into the work Lana does and hang out with some of their military friends. We are reviewing our plans and they may have shifted a bit but I'll keep you posted on all the cool things we do. I will just get a taste of all there is to see and do in Germany but I can't wait to share it with you.

Thank you for praying! I feel God's presence and hear His voice.....

Here I Go Again......

I'm leaving Sunday morning on another adventure - this time I'm heading east to Heidelberg, Germany to visit my sweet friend, Lana Barshinger. We haven't seen each other for a about 16 months so we're looking forward to spending some girl time together. She's a fellow chick in ministry so we enjoy the time to really support and encourage one another in what God is calling us to do. While I'm there I will tour Heidelberg, then go down the Romantic Road to see Rothenberg. I will probably spend some time in the Rhine River Valley area and see some castles and the Black Forest while I'm out roaming about.   Lana and I will head down to Bavaria to Garmisch where we'll stay at Edelweiss, a resort for military families. We'll see the sights around there and do some hiking and biking in the beautiful mountains that are in that area. She's promised me a visit to the local flea markets where I hope to find a few pieces of antique china to bring home for my collection. We are also going to take a day trip down to Salzburg. We might take the Sound of Music tour and I've spent some time this week watching that great musical again and re-familiarizing myself with the words to all of my favorite songs and scenes. I'm really excited about this opportunity to see my friend and to explore yet another new part of this great big world God has created. My dear friend Alice, who's father is German told me to make sure I eat some schnitzel and strudl!

I have never flown overseas alone and I'm a bit nervous about that but mainly I'm thrilled to see new places and meet new friends. I also look forward to hearing from God as I see the beauty of His creation in a whole fresh way. If you've been to Germany, what are the best souvenirs to bring home? What was the most memorable place you visited?

I'll try to post a couple of times while I'm away. I appreciate your prayers as I travel.

I Am Limited

This is a continuation of my story of the past two years. See previous posts for more information. This is the first in a series of things that God really taught me from this period of brokenness. You might call these lessons learned the "hidden riches" of brokenness. Again, this post represents nothing more than my own experience, insight and opinions.

 

I’m sure you’re laughing at the title of this post and thinking to yourself, “I knew that!”. I always knew it of course, but it hit me very deeply as I walked through the course of these events. Since I wanted to do a good job and we were facing problems, I tried to handle every situation that came up, I felt responsible to solve each problem I encountered (and there were lots of them!) and just generally fell into the trap of thinking that if I worked long and hard enough maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. Obviously I missed that this was God's job! :) Looking back, I think that there were several things that drove me towards this thinking…

 

1)      I am (according to my husband) an overly conscientious, overly responsible person. I tend to always feel responsible for everything, whether it is mine to be responsible for or not. And I feel guilty when things go wrong or are left undone.

 

      I felt guilty a lot during this time.

 

     I had to learn that I simply cannot do everything and that it is okay to say “no”. This was quite painful for me at first. Now it is freeing.

 

2)      I am also a “fixer” – I try to make everyone happy. I hate and avoid conflict and probably try to smooth things over because of this. As you might imagine, I simply could not keep everyone happy.

 

      Another failure (in my eyes) – I felt at times that everyone was unhappy with me and since I couldn’t fix that I felt like I failed as a minister.

 

      My “breakthough” moment in this area was when I realized everyone did not like Jesus either and that He had people leave His ministry as well. (I’m not comparing myself to Jesus, just saying if He couldn’t do it, I don’t know why I thought I could) I was simply in a difficult situation with no easy answers.

 

3)      I was grieving what I had lost – a friend, yes. But more than that I felt like I had lost my church. I still served at the same address, at the same church building.

 

      But the chairs were void of so many I loved.

 

      I missed them and I grieved this loss deeply. And my grief made me afraid – afraid of losing again, of things falling apart entirely and the dream dying completely. This fear drove me to work harder and longer.

 

4)      I felt very guilty that people had left the church because I was allowed to teach. (please note it was not what I said or taught, just that I did) Others were hurt by these departures. To this day, people will talk about this time with tears in their eyes, and that makes me feel awful. (see #1) I can’t describe how it feels to unendingly have your being “allowed” to minister debated – and by those you love and are friends with.

 

      Being a point of contention is humiliating.

 

      I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I overworked to not only prove myself but also to perhaps make up for the turmoil this caused, even though I am very convinced that my teaching was a true God thing. I felt such perfect peace about it. The good news is that all of this kept me on my face before God, seeking Him with all of my heart. I read “Why Not Women?” by Loren Cunningham during this time and God spoke a very deep word to me as I prayed once again for an affirmation of my calling from God.

 

      God simply said “I’ve already told you that”.

 

      Futhermore, He showed me that while I had dealt with the issues of forgiveness for the events of my past, I had never dealt with how it made me feel about myself.  I had to face the woman in the mirror at this point and realize how I had let someone else’s disapproval mark me in such deep ways that were not pretty. These events, while very disturbing, have led me to a place of even more rock solid conviction that I am called by Christ to be a minister of the Good News.

 

Through this time I realized with fresh clarity that I can’t handle it all and I have many limits which honestly are a gift from God. They show me where to stop and rest in Him and allow HIM to act. I have physical and emotional limits, I am limited in ability and knowledge and maybe most of all, I am limited in my responsibility for others. People simply get to make their own decisions and I am not responsible for those. I realized I could never in a million years keep people happy enough that they would not walk out the door. I realized that – although I had fervently hoped otherwise – my being a woman in ministerial leadership would continue to crop up as an issue through the years. I could no longer hide from this issue and I needed to move forward and boldly obey God. As I realized my limits more and more, I actually found it quite freeing to realize I didn’t have to handle it all.

Today I thank God for these limits.

The Refiner's Fire

**This post is my experience and insights only. It does not necessarily reflect The Brook, any other leadership at The Brook, or the thoughts of any other church members. It is my testimony alone. **

 

To continue with my “testimony” I will have to share what I walked through following the death of our pastor’s wife. If you haven’t read that post, please do so here because this post will only make sense in that context. After our pastor’s wife died, I was pleased with how our church handled things. People seemed to pull together and we avoided the “hand grenade” we feared. Our fellowship did not scatter but seemed to be closer than ever. But as the months went by it was like this added stress brought to the surface many of our hidden problem areas, irritations and complaints. Over the next twelve months we were refined in a major way - and that was tough to deal with.

 

These were the biggies for me:

1)      I taught on a Sunday while our pastor was gone and it caused a huge turmoil in a small group of people. I was extremely hurt and disillusioned by comments made to me in the wake of this. This was a HUGE event in my life.

2)      We began to lose a steady stream of people from our church for a variety of reasons, ranging from those upset about #1 to people who couldn’t bear to be reminded of the suicide to who knows what else. This was the most heartbreaking thing I went through that year, losing not only friends, but ministry team members as well. That was discouraging and exhausting.

3)      I had a fairly difficult problem occur on one of my ministry teams that zapped me emotionally.

If I could sum those months up I would say that I was exhausted, still physically ill and very grief stricken but I kept trying to press ahead, take care of everybody and handle things and I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW HOW – and I felt guilty for it. In the midst of that exhaustion I experienced the events above and they just robbed me of my confidence and brought more waves of grief into my life as well. I felt responsible to help keep everything together and minister to our very hurting congregation but I also had my own grief. How does one navigate that? I still do not have the answer. I desperately wanted to help but I felt so torn at times and given the situations we went through (above) I had a new kind of pain enter my life – I felt like an utter failure as a minister and I was deeply feeling the loss of dear friends. It seemed like it would never end. Comments made by people who probably were also hurting compounded my pain. Leading worship was painful because all I could think of were those friends now missing from our fellowship.

 

It came to a big head one Sunday after church. I was supposed to go home, eat lunch, grab my suitcase and head out with the rest of staff to a “3C’s” conference with Ed Young Jr. My husband was lying on the couch watching football and I stretched out next to him and began to weep – not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs that I could not stop. I remember begging him to please let me stay home, and “don’t make me go back to church”. It was one of the lowest emotional moments of my life. I did go and I spent all of one session sitting on the floor in the back of the room just sobbing uncontrollably. I can tell you that at that moment I felt utterly broken. I felt like I would drown in the crashing waves of life – I couldn’t seem to swim out past the waves to the calm water or get on my feet to walk to shore. I feared I would drown and thoughts of quitting were never far from my mind.

 

At this point I literally felt like I came to the end of myself, I was quite literally desperate for God and I took what was – for me – a drastic step. I went to a National Pastors Retreat in Chicago. It was a big step for me because it cost a good deal of money and I didn’t know a soul there. I went and wept almost continually, but the extended time away with God was so good for me. I would say that weekend marked the beginning of a turning point in my life as God began to give me some wisdom in the midst of these difficult times. The spiritual discipline of retreat is something I am now doing each quarter and it has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. But the difficulties did not stop there and in fact the next 12 months were also very painful – our pastor resigned suddenly and I again felt such a huge wave of grief. But in the midst of the brokenness God was teaching me some beautiful lessons. I’ll expand on each of these individually in later blogs but here is the short list:

1)      I am limited - I cannot take care of everyone and I am not responsible for everything.

2)      I need to take care of myself.

3)      I need to rest in God’s all sufficient love for me.

4)      Grief will not be denied.

5)      I needed to ask for what I need.

6)      The most important thing I could give anyone was a healthy me.

Eventually God would begin to show me that there are hidden riches in the broken, desperate places and times of our lives. Although this was a terribly painful time in my life I can honestly say I would not trade it. I have learned so much and am hopefully wiser and more compassionate as a result. I’ve had good friends look at me in the midst of this and say “Will things ever be the same?”. I always answer honestly, “No.” To be honest, I am thankful that I will never be the same again. I am not thankful for the trials but I am thankful for the deep work God has done in my life throughout this time.

Things I'm Learning

I wanted to quickly share with you all a couple of things God really led me to deal with on this trip. For those of you who know me, you know I've struggled to learn to relax. (that's an oxymoronic statement, huh?) I've tended to fill each day up, constantly referring to my "to do" list, and worried about all the things and people I had to keep organized - I just could not seem to turn my brain off. In the last few months, God has been leading me to relax a bit more, showing me how I need to rest in Him more and more and to trust HIM to act as well. As I was flying over to Kauai this time, I was reading a book and the author talked about "honoring the sacredness of this present moment" - in other words, paying attention to the gift of NOW and being fully present in IT, instead of living in regret for the past or anxiety for the future. For a worrier like myself, this was a challenging statement to consider, but I felt led by God to really take this to heart while I was away with Phil. Given what all I've been working through, the past and the future are ALWAYS on my mind, so this was a struggle for me. Whenever I was tempted to make a list, or worry about a future struggle, or even to remember a painful relationship, I remembered that God had given me the gift of that moment and I was going to be thankful and honor it, enjoying all God was giving me and doing in me RIGHT THEN - the warm drowziness of sleep, the beauty of the sun shining on the water, the joy of being with Phil. In doing this I found myself more aware of the blessings of God, the wonder of being with Him, and the beauty of His creation. In this way I didn't allow regret, worry and anxiety rob me of the joy of life! I also gave Phil a gift by doing this - I was truly with him, my thoughts were not elsewhere and distracted. I gave him the gift of my full attention - and it was wonderful.

Another funny thing God spoke to me about is somewhat related. All of you ladies can relate to this - when you are 42 years old and go to the beach with many younger women around it's hard not to absolutely obsess about all of your physical flaws. There was one moment I thought, "I wish I had at least ENJOYED being thin and fit and young!".  I felt embarassed alot of times and worried about how I looked. God really brought me up short on this train of thought as well, so I spent time thanking God that my body is strong and healthy. No it's not perfect and aging really is humiliating, but it's a fact! Just like I don't want to let being ill keep me from living fully, I also do not want to let my own low self esteem or a lack of confidence keep me from experiencing all of the riches of this one life I have to live. So I jumped in the water with my boogie board and adopted an "I don't care" attitude. I was thankful for the opportunity and I didn't know anyone anyway! This was just another way I had to learn to relax, let go, focus on thankfulness and the present moment. And a great blessing of this was that I got to swim with the turtles! That wouldn't have happened if I had stayed on shore!

To further my journy into relaxing, today Phil and I bought a Wii! I'm gonna have to practice up......

Kauai Pictures Uploaded

Hi! My true post for today is below, but I've uploaded my pictures from Kauai and wanted to share a few of them with you here. You can see the photo album to the right as well! Enjoy seeing and reading about some of our favorite moments on our trip. Again, thanks so much for praying for us.

My Favorite Things

We're home and busy sorting and doing laundry, unpacking, and trying to figure out what time it is! I'm pretty jet lagged and feel a bit foggy but that will pass - just in time for me to leave on my trip to see my good friend Lana in Heidelberg, Germany. (leaving next Sunday) While I'm there we're going south to Bavaria and then on to Salzburg, Austria. In honor of my trip to Sound of Music country I'm writing on "my favorite things" (this was the first song I ever sang as a solo, in the 5th grade talent competition!)........

So here's a list of My Favorite Things - totally random and in no particular order, except when they popped into my head.....

1. a good book and plenty of time to read it

2. a day at the beach - see #1

3. a hot bath - see #1

4. singing and making music with friends - no agenda, just singing and seeing what happens

5. flowers - seeing roses, irises, hydrangaes, etc blooming and smelling them!

6. getting a massage - this is great therapy and the relaxation is all natural!

7. a walk or hike in the woods, especially in the spring or fall

8. traveling with Phil and discovering new places

9. a hug from my children and hearing them say "I love you mom".

10.  holding hands with Phil

11. hearing my family laugh

12. waking up next to Phil (he's gone so much I don't take this for granted!)

13. my pajama pants

14. riding a jet ski out on the lake - woo hoo!

15. a porch swing or rocking chair and some quiet time to myself

16. a card (or even an email) from a friend - i save them all!

17. going barefoot or at least wearing flip flops! no shoes!

18. a shrimp dinner - especially down at the gulf

19. seeing the leaves change

20. taking a ride in the country - i'm still a country girl at heart!    

21. my Bible - it cost $20 but it's broken in and underlined well and I've superglued it together more than once!

22. taking pictures and then putting them around my house and office so I can always be reminded of special people and moments in my life

23. Chocolate Thunder from Down Under from Outback Steakhouse! yum!

24. My mom's peach cobbler with ice cream!

25. homemade ice cream

26. my iPod - all my music in one place! yea!

27. praying with a friend

28. candlelight - it reminds me of the Light of the World and the presence of Christ

29. doing something fun with my kids

30. warm weather and sunshine

31. Christmas cookies

32. sitting in the dark with only candles and the Christmas tree lights - so peaceful

33. a clean house

34. a rainy day where I can stay at home and do nothing

35. being hugged

36. riding in a convertible

37. fresh green beans cooked all afternoon

38. antiquing - looking through old stuff!

39. worshiping with friends

40. a cold Mountain Dew over crushed ice - but I need to give this up completely!

41. wearing jewelry that has "meaning" - things Phil or my kids or friends have given me or that belonged to my grandmother - it feels like they are with me.

42. having Phil home

43. coming home - i thank God for our house

44. snow days (we're due!)

45. an afternoon nap

46. listening to a great guitarist

47. Alabama Football

48. being from the South

49. a southern drawl

50. friends I can be myself with......

I could think of so many more but I am still foggy so I'll go for now. Hopefully I'll post a photo album of our Kauai pictures tomorrow.

   

Serendipity

Serendipity is defined as the event of an unexpected discovery. Our time in Kauai has been filled with those! Here are a few we've experienced in the last few days.

First we made a return to Brenneke's Beach, the scene of our terror filled attempt at boogie boarding last year! This year was much better though and we had a great time enjoying riding the waves and swimming with the sea turtles! They were all over the place and one in particular really loved riding the waves with me. It surfaced within a few inches of me over and over again, surfing the waves right beside me. It was at least three feet long!

Then we went off the beaten path and discovered some smaller beaches a little to the east. The picture above is the first one we came to. Isn't it beautiful? We also found this little bay where the swimming was splendid and I even did a little snorkeling. We enjoyed a walk around the point and just enjoying the beautfy of the day. It was a great "serendipity" for us to find these beaches and enjoy the beauty of God's creation.

We ended our day with dinner at Duke's, which sits right on Nawiliwili Harbour and had a delicious meal in a breath-taking setting. They had a trio of two ukelele players and one guitarist that came to our table and played and sang for us. We requested a love song and they sang and played "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You" - which of course made me cry! It was so precious to be sitting there holding hands with Phil, the love of my life for 25 years now, on the beach in Hawaii and to hear that song being sung for US!

Today we took our 4WD Jeep and did a bit of exploring - up by the Wailua River. We drove and drove and drove, passing the spot where the Jurassic Park Gates used to be, and taking a jungle hike to the special little waterfall you see here. We were miles and miles from any civilization and the scenery was superb! We went to the absolute end of the road (and I use this term so lightly) and found another wonderful "serendipity" awaiting us. We drove right up to an upper branch of the river and here is the beautiful scene we were treated to below.

 

Wow! What a time we've had here on Kauai! Tomorrow is our very last day and our flight out leaves at about 10:00 pm. We'll arrive back in Madison around 5:30 pm on Saturday. Watch for more postings of pictures - we captured so many unbelievably beautiful scenes and I can't wait to share them with you. We appreciate your prayers for a safe return!

We Made It!

I am proud to say that Phil and I completed our personal challenge -sea kayaking almost 18 miles around the Na Pali coastline to land on Polihale Beach. This area is very remote with no services and only one beach landing for the day, which was at a beach designated only for kayakers. No way to hike or drive in! The entire day was an adventure I'll remember the rest of my life.

So here's the short version. We arrived at the beach around 6:30 and I knew right away I was probably the weakest link. Most were younger than us but it ended up that our strongest paddler was by far our oldest member - Jerry - around 65 years old and still running ultra marathons! We couldn't keep up with him! We launched from Haiena Beach park on the far northern area of Kauai to head around the point. As we headed out to sea in our tandem kayaks I will admit to being a bit fearful. There was no turning back at this point and we had been warned of seasickness, fatigue and sunburn. I wanted to finish the day well and it was a challenge to pace ourselves yet still keep up. As you can see above the first bit of sea was smoother but we were constantly riding 5 foot swells. We saw wonderful scenery and amazingly close views of pods of dolphins and many sea turtles and even the endangered Monk Seal, which is native to Hawaii. (he crawled right up on our  beach!) We went into a sea cave and stopped here and there for a swim. I loved getting out of the kayak and swimming out in the open ocean. The water was so clear you could see all around you - it was amazing. UNTIL I tried to "Superman" my way back into the kayak and dunked Phil! Oh well, he needed to get in for a swim anyway! We would capsize two more times that day! We stopped for a break nearer our lunch site - about 8 miles into the day - in a sea cave without a top, if that makes sense. It was beautiful. But when we came out we had to go straight out to sea because of a reef we were trying to avoid. We were on the windward side of the island and the wind had picked up, making it about a medium chop. We were also near a cliff, which meant the waves bounce back and you catch them from both directions. I didn't feel like we were making much progress and then when we got tipped over by a wave I really struggled to get back in with all of the waves around us. I don't have any pics of this part of our journey as we were struggling just to paddle!

This is a picture of our secluded beach. The only people there were kayakers - and at 11 miles from the nearest put in point there weren't many of them there. We found tons of beautiful shells and had a great lunch of fresh pineapple (out of this world) and sandwiches. Phil and I hunted for shells, walked around and reapplied our sunscreen. By this time it was unbelievably hot. We were on the west side of the island and it was about 1:00. Only 1 1/2 hours of paddling to go, and it was fairly smooth, but we were exhausted. It was the hardest paddling of the day and the beach seemed like it was SO far away! The sun and wind were scorching hot and my arms were so sore. This is the part of the trip that Phil and I had to really focus to finish. (I don't guess we had a choice but it was hard to keep going) I had to make myself count in sets of 200 strokes and promise myself a respite afterwards. We jumped out one more time to swim and then - finally - we approached Polihale and made a "surf landing", which seemed fairly simple with some help. We had done it! I was so amazed that I could do this very physically taxing thing given how sick I had been in the past two years. Even tired, hot and sore, I was proud and thrilled.

We  showered, changed and piled into the van for the two hour trip back to our cars. You can believe I bought the tshirt and when you see me wear it, know that I wear it proudly and with thanksgiving for a healthy body and a strong husband! :) Seriously, last night was killer. I thought maybe I had broken something in one of my arms, but a little med, a hot bath and some sleep and I am still sore but fine. Today was a slow day as a result, but we had an adventure not many people will ever have and I am really amazed by that. This may not make sense to you, but I really did enjoy the creation of God that is my body during this adventure. I am thankful that I am strong and healthy enough to do all of this. I can only say WOW! Thanks for your prayers!

We will be home Saturday night!

Kauai Update

The time is almost here. Tomorrow morning at the terribly early time of 4:30 we will get up and head out for our kayaking adventure along the NaPali coast - shown at left. We are so excited! Pray for us to not get seasick and for us to truly sense God and celebrate the "sacredness of the here and now" as we enjoy this adventure together. This is the lesson God had been speaking to both Phil and I on this trip - to enjoy the moment we are in. So we've had a great time exploring many different beaches, taking the unexpected side roads, and just generally being aware of both God and one another in each moment, putting our anxiety or regrets aside for this time away. And we are really having the most wonderful time!

Here's a few of our favorite things from our trip so far: driving around in our Mustang convertible with the top down exploring and finding beaches we've never been to, fighting over our Shave Ice and Phil getting a brain freeze cause he was trying to eat it before me, hiking down, down, down to Secret Beach and seeing the Kilueau lighthouse from there, discovering these great coconut chocolate cream puffs, flying over the Na Pali coast and all of the canyons and waterfalls (including the one from Jurassic Park) and only getting a  LITTLE motion sickness, going to church this morning at Calvary Chapel Kauai (they meet in a REAL tent - pcitures to come), getting breakfast every morning from our favorite coffee shop - Java Kai, Phil stopping TWICE as we were driving along to buy me a beautiful lei, eating a Puka Dog, eating at Keoki's!, Phil buying me the most beautiful Ni'ihu shell necklace and earrings,and just laying on the beach reading and doing only what we want to!

We are thankful for this great opportunity. Thank you for praying for us. We are enoying the wonder of God's creation here on Kauai and in one another. We can't believe that on June 2nd we will celebrate our 24th anniversary. I thank God for such a wonderful husband, my three sweet children and you, our friends. To all you ladies - Happy Mother's Day!

***Closed note to "Office Decorator" - touch my office at your own peril - I won't give you the chocolate covered macedamia nuts I bought you!***