A Worshipful Heart

What are you dreaming of?

Do you dream often? I do. I dream almost every night and lately I've been dreaming things that point to some things I am obviously anxious and fearful about. I'm sure it's my mind's way of processing all that is going on in my life right now, but it is disconcerting to have differing versions of the same anxiety run through my mind night after night.....

I'm not unfamiliar with anxiety dreams. The night before I first led three services in one morning I dreamed a crazy anxiety dream and I dreamed them OFTEN during pregnancy. I've dreamed that I've slept through the beginning of services, that the band refused to play and walked off the stage, that I had a boy and we only had girl clothes (which was true), that the house would be on fire and there were two adults and three children, and on and on. In all of these dreams it became very clear - even to my uneducated self - what I was most fearful of: services not going well, failing in ministry, not being able to care for my kids, not being able to adapt as a parent, not having enough money, etc.

And when a friend committed suicide and I saw them put her in the ambulance, I had horrific nightmares for weeks, waking up heaving and even yelling out in my sleep. Obviously the stress I had experienced came out as I slept (or tried to).

So I've had to really pray through what my dreams might be pointing out to me now, at this time in my life.....fear of failure, anxiety over the future, feelings of vulnerability and uncertainty, etc. Even though I don't think I sit around and dwell on things all day, for some reason at night they unfailingly pop up!!!

Do you ever have "anxiety dreams"?

Do you think our dreams mean anything?

Do you think God ever speaks to us through our dreams?

Psalm 16:7 says "I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me."

What do you think this verse means?

And finally, pray that I will sleep more peacefully.....

Thanks, and good night!

Unplugging

I've spent very little time online this week. I spent Sunday - Tuesday at a retreat. No laptops or iPods allowed and no cell phones in our sessions. Then I left again Wednesday night for a family trip. Besides work on Wednesday, I've spent a grand total of maybe 2 hours online this week. That's really low for me. I've watched hardly any tv and talked very little on the phone.

So this week I've been relatively unplugged in comparison to a regular week. And you know what? Besides the headache of wading through 100 emails at a time and worrying about what I was forgetting, I have really loved it.

I started reading "Mad Church Disease" by Anne Jackson today in the car (already to page 108!) and this paragraph hit me.

"It is difficult to unplug. Internet is relatively inexpensive, as are mobile phones that receive email. Our TVs, Tivos, iPods and satellite radios give us comfort and convenience, but when we rely on them so heavily, they also give us headaches and NO TIME FOR SOLITUDE." (p. 75)

Silence and solitude have been two of the most life changing spiritual disciplines for me in the past few years. I've learned that silence and time alone create space in my life so I can hear from God more clearly. Some days I shut the door of my office and let my calls go to voicemail, some days I don't turn on tv or music, sometimes I just sit quietly and journal as God directs, some days I don't get on my laptop at all. (although that last one is the hardest for me!) But I've realized that life is so noisy and so busy that I struggle to hear God's voice, or even to process my own thoughts and experiences without more quiet in my life. I find I cannot be fully attentive to God or to others when I am consumed by noise, words, and distractions. But it's one of the hardest things I've ever done and is a continual struggle with me.

So....what about you? What do you need to turn off? How do you need to unplug? What step do you need to take to "Shut out the noise"?

What book could you NOT put down?

I am a voracious reader. I devour books, visit used book stores regularly and am quite unhappy when I am without a good fiction book to read while soaking in the tub. To quote myself, "happiness is an end table full of books waiting to be read!".

In 2008 I read tons of good books and here is my top 11 list - in no particular order:

1) Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership - Ruth Haley Barton

2) The Dangerous Act of Worship - Mark Labberton

3) Gifted to Lead - Nancy Beach

4) The Shack - William Young

5) Let Your Life Speak - Parker Palmer

6) Simple Church

7) Coming Home to Your True Self - Albert Haase

8) The Way of the Heart - Henri Nouwen

9) The Gift of Being Yourself - David Brenner

10) Re-read Emotionally Healthy Spirituality - Peter Scazzero

11) Churched - Matthew Paul Turner (you will laugh out loud if you grew up in church!)

So recommend your favorite book or favorite author so I can add even MORE books to the books I am planning to read....

So far on my pile are: Mad Church Disease, Crazy Love, Soul Feast, Hearing God, Worship Matters, Pure Praise, The Rest of God and Sacred Pathways!

Come on, everybody play! What is a good book you can recommend to us?

I haven't forgotten you.....

I have just been gone! I got home last night and will leave again tonight for a college road trip with Daniel and Phil. I have so much to share about my last retreat with my "Transforming Community" but I need to process and say it well to really do it justice. I will simply say for now that this community has been ministry saving and life changing for me and I would encourage all ministers to consider this opportunity to "strengthen the soul of your leadership". God has truly transformed my life in many ways in the past two years and I am thankful for his enduring and gracious love.

If you get a moment, please pray for our family that we will have a clear word from God on where Daniel needs to be and what he needs to study. We ask for a true peace when the answer is clear - for us all. We're going to head to N.C. after our college trip and try our hand at snowtubing, which I've wanted to do FOR YEARS! I am so excited and am sure I'll have tons of great video to post upon my return. Please pray I don't break anything!

For news on another front, I received my copy of "Mad Church Disease" yesterday so that will be going with me as I travel. I want to finish it before I have the great honor of hearing Anne Jackson speak next Thursday at re:create. Pastors, ministers and church board members - GO BUY YOUR COPY TODAY!

Hope you're having a great week! Let me know what you're up to and how you're doing!

I'll Fly Away....

So tomorrow I'll be heading out for Chicago. If you see me at The Brook please don't be offended if I zoom by you in a panic as I leave to catch my mid afternoon flight out of Nashville!

This is a bittersweet retreat for me as it will be my last retreat among my retreat community peers. We've spent the last two years together, faithfully assembling once a quarter as church leaders dedicated to taking care of our own souls, knowing without a doubt that we cannot be spiritual leaders without being connected to God in deep ways. We know that to lead, we must first be led.

I've written before about why I retreat here and here and here. It's become a necessity for me, and silence and solitude have become things I thirst for when life seems too fast, too busy and too noisy. I have learned that I really do hear God's voice more clearly when I get away from the noise of life and can focus on having whole, entire conversations with God instead of snippets here and there.

I can easily draw an analogy between time away with God and the time we take to go away on romantic getaways with our spouse. My husband travels alot with this work and sometimes a month will go by and I'll realize we've only spent 7-8 days together the entire month. I'll realize our communication has become stilted because it's been limited to emails, text messages and 5 minute phone calls between meetings. I never get around to any true quality communication, instead we have to focus on the immediate needs in our life. It gets old. It affects our relationship. When he is home for a time we have to adapt back to one another and living life together. Nothing gets us back into sync with one another faster than taking the time to go away together for a few days. We realize that we MUST make time to be alone with one another so this is a priority for us and we probably do this 3-4 times a year.

If I can see the benefits of stealing away with my husband for some uninterrupted time alone, then I surely can see that it is good and needful to do the same with God - no email, no phone, no tv - just a focus on long times of prayer, getting out and enjoying the beauty of the retreat center and sensing God's presence and power reflected in the world around me, and journaling what I sense God is saying to me. My times away are times of sweet communion with my Savior. Each retreat (and I started before I joined this community) has been a spiritual milestone for me, particularly in the last two years. It's not easy to make time for, but it has been a necessity for me. If Jesus needed to get away to pray, why do I think I need any less?

I will put it bluntly. I do not know if I would be able to still be in ministry if I had not made this a priority in my life. The teaching of our retreat leader Ruth Barton, founder of The Transforming Center, the discipline of getting away with God so I can be still and quiet enough to hear His voice and sense His leading, and the community of fellow ministers has been ministry saving and life changing for me.

As Henri Nouwen said so eloquently "Solitude became the furnace for my own transformation."

I'd appreciate your prayers as I go - that I would hear from God as I work to develop a "rule for life" in the spiritual disciplines of my life. I also just need some encouragement from God right now. At times we are inundated with words from others - their opinions and perspectives and desires. Right now I just need to hear a word especially for me from the heart of God.

Do you retreat or practice times of solitude and silence?

What have been the benefits in your spiritual journey?

 

Acknowledging the Truth - Where Ministry Begins

I just finished reading "Chasing Francis" by Ian Morgan Cron as an assignment for my upcoming participation in Re:create and discussion with the author. I was struck by a quote from one of the characters in the story regarding ministry. Thomas, a friar shares with a young pastor who is on a pilgrimage:

"Everywhere I go, I meet people, old and young, from all over the world, and they tell me about their lives, their relationships, broken families, their addictions, shame, guilt, failures. You'll never be able to speak into their souls unless you speak the truth about your own wounds. You need to tell them what our Lord has come to mean to you in the midst of your disappointments and losses. All ministry begins at the ragged edges of our own pain."

Strangely enough we seem to believe the exact opposite of this - that ministry begins with our knowledge, our talents, abilities, and our strengths. It's a radical idea to think that our truest ministry begins with our woundedness, our broken places, our pain - and perhaps most importantly of all - our ability to recognize and admit the truth about our lives and how God has healed us.

These things are what we most long to cover up, to hide from others and even from ourselves. But we minister most deeply out of our experiences and not what we just know in our head. People are touched by who we ARE in relationship with Christ and how we have lived out a true knowing of God as we have invited Him into our pain and brokenness. To acknowledge the truth about ourselves is to acknowledge truth about God.

"Ministry begins at the ragged edges of our own pain".....

If this is true, then what ministry are you prepared for?

What are the "ragged edges" of your pain?

 

I feel like I have ADD.....

No offense to those of you who really are! I just feel like I can't concentrate. I have a million things going through my mind......

1) I'm leaving Sunday and will only be home about a day a half in the next two weeks. I will need to finish ALL my work before I leave and I'm so afraid I'll forget something.

2) My grandmother is not doing well so that is on my mind as well.

3) I'm so sad that this Sunday I will begin my LAST retreat with my two year retreat community. These friends have been so good to me and for me. I tear up and I'm not even there yet! I will say it again - this community has been ministry saving and life changing. I thank God for them.

4) I'm so excited about going to re:create!!!! I can't wait to meet so many of my "virtual friends" for real.

5) I had a tough day yesterday and that feeling of depression and discouragement is still lingering with me. Careless and hurtful words seem to stay with me no matter how hard I try to shrug them off.

6) I have some ministry/work issues weighing on my mind and need wisdom and discernment and a true word from God on how to proceed as I work and lead.

7) We're taking Daniel on a college visit to Lee University next week. Am I really old enough for my BABY to be preparing for college? Again, I cry when I think about it!

So my thoughts and emotions are flitting around like a butterfly that can't find a good place to light! Aaaah! I hate this.

My week has been nothing short of crazy! Do you ever have weeks like this?

I Find This Hard to Share.....

I struggle with anxiety from time to time. I am struggling especially hard now. I am not sure why but I've been feeling very anxious and could use your prayers. Anxiety is a horrible, choking feeling that is hard to overcome - shortness of breath, difficulty concentrating, and an overwhelming urge to run and hide. I felt so overwhelmed at one point on Sunday morning that I had to leave the service for a few minutes. It makes me feel very helpless.

I could use your prayers.

My friend Pete Wilson over at withoutwax.tv has a great post today on "Going First". He makes the point that when we confess and share our struggles FIRST, we open the door for more authentic and open and REAL relationships and encourage others to share as well.

I encourage you to live with an open heart today, and share what is real in your life.

And I'd appreciate your prayers. Anxiety is no fun.

Sunday Setlist: Setting Personal Boundaries

Here's a quick rundown of what we did today as we continued our series based on the book "Boundaries". Richard taught from the story of the prodigal son about having personal boundaries.

Here's the order of service:

1. You, You Are God - Gateway

2. Never Let Go - Redman

3. Majesty

4. From the Inside Out - Hillsong United

Skit: The Rest Room (from Willow)

Walk up song: "Running on Empty" by Jackson Brown

Sermon - Richard

Response Time - we used a medley of "I Surrender All" and "Invitation".

Here's a video of us reshearsing "Invitation" - thanks Debbie for singing with me. Bill Mc is on piano and Mary is on flute. The video is taken on my itty bitty creative labs video camera and the colors are washed out  because of where we are standing but you can hear the song (volume is sort of low) and see our set for Boundaries. The one thing you can't see well on the video is the colors. Actually the lighting on the "fence" is really beautiful but is not captured from this angle for some reason......

Invitation from Jan Owen on Vimeo.

The first service was once again very quiet but the second service had great energy!

This post is a part ofSunday Setlist over at FredMckinnon.com.

How was your Sunday??

Surprisingly Faithful Friends!

We all long for friendships that last - we long to be loved unconditionally, to be truly known and still truly loved. We long for someone who will stick with us no matter what, a friendship that will outlast differences of opinion, physical separation, and the constant difficulties life brings. One thing I've noticed is that today most of us do not persevere as friends - our friendships seem to be based on convenience more than commitment.

I saw this video over at my friend Jenni's blog and cried as I saw faithful friendship demonstrated so beautifully. We all want a friend like this. I am thankful for those who friends in my life who still love me even though we might disagree, and even though we may not be in the same geographical location. I hope I can be a faithful friend as well.