Unclenching My Fists

Gentle me, Holy One

into an unclenched moment,

a deep breath, a letting go

of heavy expectancies, of shriveling anxieties, of dead certainties,

that, softened by the silence, surrounded by the light, and open to the mystery,

I may be found by wholeness,

upheld by the unfathomable, entranced by the simple,

and filled with the joy that is you

 - "Guide Me Into An Unclenched Moment" from Guerrillas of Grace:Prayers for the Battle by Ted Loder

This week has been difficult for me. I feel utterly exhausted yet my calendar is filled to overflowing with tasks that are due NOW and also require creativity, innovation, deep thought and a true seeking of God's heart. As I shared, I struggled alot with feelings of abject inadequacy so it's been an emotional week for me, a week that I've wrestled with God and longed for answers, a week that I've cried many tears, and had many heartfelt conversations. It's been a week filled with deep thought yet lots of excitement as well as I've worked on upcoming plans.

I've spent alot of time being uptight and worried. I've had to remind myself again and again that my life is truly in God's hands although I am not able to see as far ahead as I would like. I don't know about you but when I get really anxious and upset, I struggle to settle down enough to pray in a focused way.

So this week I camped out in - of all things - a couple of poems from Ted Loder that God led me to. I love his poetry and keep his book "Guerrillas of Grace: Prayers for the Battle" on my end table with my Bible and journal. The poem at the top of this post became a prayer I have prayed again and again this week as I sat in quietness before the Lord.

The desire of my flesh is to wrestle and work it out and make things better and to work work work until it's fixed. Yet I know there are things completely out of my control where all I can do is simply surrender in prayer. Only God knows the way and I must rest in His loving plan for me. So this poem became my prayer - that God would lead me to a place that my heart would be gentle enough to unclench and let go of the anxiety that had gripped me so tightly. I love the last line...."that I may be filled with the joy that is you."

This week I've had to choose to let go of my fears, my desire to fix, my desires.

What do you need to let go of?

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