What I Struggle With

Yesterday morning, Richard cited the oft quoted Barna research from a few years ago that showed all the horrible statistics about pastors. The statistic that always pierces my heart is that more than 80% of pastors feel inadequate for their role as pastor and as a result are discouraged.

It's time for true confessions. This is how I feel alot of the time.

How is it possible to be so totally sure God has called me to do something and at the same time to feel so desperately inadequate to do what He's called me to do????!!!

I am consistently sure that I am not doing a good enough job and worry myself sick that surely someone else would be better suited to lead my team or our congregation in worship.

I think some of this is due to my personality. I am deeply introspective and I am also a perfectionist. The combination can be deadly because I always think things through over and over again and am very intensely critical of my own efforts. I am always sure I should have done something more, something better, or that I am lacking in some way. I am very sensitive to comments and even to the feeling and mood of the room as I lead. On bad days (and yesterday was one) I am much more acutely aware of my weaknesses than my strengths.

I think some of it also comes from the area I serve in - Worship Arts. Honestly, there are only about two million people more creative and more musically gifted than me. I don't really fit any of the qualifications except I've done it for so long! No music degree, no instrumental ability - just a passion to see people worship! It's a "high performance" area where appearances and charisma count - even if they shouldn't. There are aspects of this area of ministry that are very difficult for me. While I dearly love to help people connect to God and to worship God with all of my heart, I am not technically gifted and I don't lead from an instrument. My giftings are more subtle and easier to overlook in an area where dynamic vocals and professional musicians are the norm in many churches. And EVERYONE has an opinion about music and worship - what they want you to do or not do, sing and not sing. I think sometimes the spiritualization of those opinions weighs most heavy on my heart.

But before you lecture me, let me assure you that I KNOW the results are not up to me alone. Thank God. Seriously. We would all be in trouble! I know it is up to God to transform hearts. But I desperately want to give my best and use all my gifts. But bottom line.....I want people to encounter God. That's it. I know He will do the rest.

Even though the stats are clear, I guess I thought I would be over this dreadful feeling of inadequacy by now. I've been leading worship for at least 20 years, I've been in vocational ministry for over 10 years. I have learned so much, but no matter how much I learn I always feel that little niggle of doubt. Of fear. Of worry. I don't want to let God or my church down.

And yes, it is discouraging. So much is at stake. I want to do my very best for God. I guess the question is this "Is my best effective for the Kingdom of God?".

If you are a minister, have you read the stats? Which one do you struggle with?

Come on now! I was honest, you share too!

Comments

[Patti]

Jan, I know the feelings you describe are miserable to experience, but I see them as a conduit of grace -- reminders of our actual, total inadequacy, given to humble us and move us to depend on the power of Christ in us to accomplish what He's called us to do, no matter what -- whether we are ministering on stage or in an obscure way. I've been a mother for 22 years -- I still FEEL inadequate -- AM inadequate!

[Preston]

What I find so ironic with the Barna information is the church or individual pastors will do little if anything about how their currently structured. Too often pastors or staff will lay blame on the lack of parishoners not doing more to support them or even make excuses as "I am under attack by the devil". But the stats tell us this is pandemic for both big and small churches. The truth is the bigger the church the bigger the burden. The reality is the current church model is really nothing more than a micro-sized version of the Catholic Church. For catholics all doctrinal and spiritual matters fall on the shoulders of the Pope, where protestants its the Pastor or Reverend. The 1st century church never had just one single leader but multiple leaders that rotated in their teaching and leading responsibilities. From my researching if more churches would adopt this model the church would be in a much healthier state and fewer leaders would be burned out. But I feel little will change regarding this issue.

BTW - two great books on this issues have been written by Barna - "Revolution" and "Pagan Christianity".

[beth]

Jan - I hurt for you; I understand your struggle and have been there.

I'm not sure if it's my age, my experience, the benefit of my current (very healthy) church environment, the extreme time of brokenness and sin that I went through or what...but something clicked for me a few years ago that made the feelings that you described a thing of the past for me.

I read Dan Allender's "Leading With a Limp" and was blessed to see myself reflected in those pages. Perhaps you'll find that helpful...

The other thing I was led to understand is that my perfectionistic tendencies (like you) are just a short step away from a very real and dangerous naricissistic self focus. I am not speaking to or about you but for myself; when I felt so 'burdened with my inadequacies' or questioned the validity of my service or any right I had to be doing what I felt God called me to do, often it centered on selfishness. Truly, it's confusing - because we hear many different voices and are impacted and influenced by so many areas and issues; but, for me, acknowledging that to continue to allow myself to be wrecked by whether or not I was doing a "good job" or if I was letting somebody or Someone down was really SELFISH - that was the key. Again, that may be far from your particular situation, but for me, my struggles in that area centered on my selfishness. My counselor helped me work through some issues, including the very difficult concept of the narcissism that runs rampant through my family and my former marriage - and in me. I believe our enemy seizes on what can feel like a "holy humility" to wreck and weaken us, because in my case it was just complete self-absorption.

At this point, although I am humbled - daily - that I am doing what I am doing, where I am doing it, I am content to live in the confidence that God called me here, now, for His purpose and His glory. I don't worry about anything other than executing the tasks He sets before me -in leadership, in music, in everything. And on Sundays, I just worship Him. That's it. I don't worry about leading the congregation, I don't worry about whether or not they are truly worshiping or whatever. I simply worship God, with all my heart and all my soul. I encourage our team to do the same. And we let it go. Of course we evaluate whether or not our choices of songs or other elements are effective, but it's never about whether or not we were "truly worshiping" - because, no matter what, on Sundays, I WORSHIP.

I believe that's my calling.

So....that's a long answer, and maybe a bit off base, but it's the truth about where I am at this point in my life....

Thanks for posing the question. You made me think.

[Amanda]

Jan, I struggle similarly to you as well, although I am much much newer in ministry. I'm praying for both of us to have boldness and to trust in what the Lord says about us (and to know what He says, too.) You are such an encouragement and inspiration to me, and I pray this year will be awesome for you, your family, and for The Brook!

[Jennifer]

Wow, I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one! I also lead without an 'instrument', and have really struggled with that idea. I lead vocally (yes, the voice IS an instrument!) and our pastor leads with the guitar, but there are days that I feel that if I could just play something it would work out better! Of course, if not for that hurdle, I would just find something else to feel inadequate about! Most likely my age would top that list as I'm the youngest person on staff by 8+ years, and the youngest on our worship team by at least the same.
I have found, however, that God is keeping me in a place of feeling inadequate, because it is in that feeling that I lean and rely on Him more and more. I know that I cannot do this each week without Him doing most of the work. Just when I start thinking that I'm starting to "get it" we bomb and I get put right back into that place of dependence on Him to get me through.
Thank you for sharing your feelings on this... while I know that there are others out there that have this same struggle, so few of us are willing to admit it to each other that we DO struggle, so there is no one that we can "confess" to and work through these feelings.
I will keep you in my prayers!

[Pete Wilson]

Wow! You so just described my life. I live with that fear so much of the time. Glad to know I'm not alone.

[Alison]

Not to make light of this post, but the word "niggle" put a smile on my face - I've never heard that term before :). So cute!

[Jan Owen]

Thanks to all you worship leaders and pastors who took the time to share. I think that certain things are more difficult to understand until you've lived it and ministry is one of those. I am glad to see I am not alone in my struggle and I will be praying for you as well as you seek to honor God and glorify Him with your life and ministry. Blessings to you all as you faithfully follow our Savior.

[ransom33]

I don't have your email address and therefore I am writing a comment here.

I simply wanted to tell you that I felt your comment on Pete Wilson's blog yesterday was spot on, and I personally felt convicted by the Holy Spirit through your words, as I do have my own blog too and spend too much time on it, instead of on my knees.

Thank you for speaking the truth in love.

God bless you

ransom33 @ www.ransom33.wordpress.com

[Louise]

Hey Jan

Just joined your blog network. Think you would really enjoy this:

http://store.todayschristianwomanstore.com/reforle14dej.html

I feel similarly to you often, and there are many of us that do...you'll see if you have a moment to stop by and check out the blog stuff happening here.