A Worshipful Heart

Do We Trust That God is Truly Loving?

I'm not going to write anything here today. Instead I'm going to point you over to my friend Tyler's blog, "Man of Depravity" where you can read my thoughts on God's sovereignty.A few months ago, Tyler asked me to be a part of a blog series on the Sovereignty of God. I enjoy Tyler's blog immensely and was honored to be asked to contribute. I've enjoyed reading all the different authors that have posted before me, particularly that C.S. Lewis guy! What an honor to be in the same series as C.S. Lewis! 

Seriously, if you've ever encountered a rough patch in life that had you wondering "God, where are you?", then you might glean some comfort and hope from my post. I hope you'll take a moment to go read my rambling on the subject. It's not a theological treatise, or an academic argument, it's just my observations of the human condition and the questions we have when suffering occurs.

So go on over to "Man of Depravity" and let me know you're reading!

A Gift For Yourself

So today's post is totally frivolous. I was inspired the other night as I was shaving my legs (which I detest!). I hate this chore and was thinking "If I could give myself a gift right now it would be to have laser treatments so I would NEVER have to do this again!". I cannot afford this so it is truly just wishful thinking. But I got to thinking......what are those things, experiences, or luxuries we would invest in if only we could? And what if some of them are more within our reach than we will allow ourselves to imagine? While laser treatments are fairly frivolous, perhaps some of these deep desires are not.

I think the things we long for - and I don't really LONG to never shave again, it would just be nice - can show us some important things about ourselves and our needs. For instance, if we sit and daydream continually about vacationing in a far away place, we can probably see we need a break and some rest. Maybe we can't go to Tahiti and lay on the beach, but we could go to Gulf Shores, or take a few days off and indulge in a small change of scenery.

This is truly an ALL PLAY! All you shy readers come on and comment. I know you can answer this question. 

If you could give yourself one gift today what would it be?

Why?

Any steps you can take to make this dream a reality?

The Pain of Rebuilding

When something is new to us, it is exciting. It's true of jobs, relationships, hobbies, dreams, and even places. We are challenged and inspired by new relationships. We love to see new, exciting vistas. We enjoy learning about one another and finding those commonalities that bind our hearts together. When we embark on seeing a dream come true, we are able to go without rest. We're running on adrenaline. Each new challenge is seen as a part of the grand adventure in front of us whether that be marriage, parenting, starting a new career or planting a church.

We love new things! As a two - time church planter who has developed two worship ministries, I can attest that there is a certain thrill that can come with starting these new ministries. The "church box" is much bigger than we would find at an established church. We can try fresh ideas without fear of division. We can be different, no one will complain. We meet tons of new people who - because they've just met us! - think we're wonderful and are thrilled to be there. So although it was tiring, it was also exhilarating. Birthing something new keeps you on your toes but is so incredibly rewarding. 

Unfortunately, even for us who like a little adrenaline rush now and again, everything in life is not always new and shiny. We don't get to always drive a new car. Warranties expire. Relationships may grow stale and predictable and require extra work. Our new house gets marks on the wall, spots on the carpet and no longer looks as amazing to us. We get bored. 

Or, on a more serious note, marriages dissolve. Relationships crumble. Dreams fail. Churches lose members. Life is hard. We are hurt. Reality greets us everyday. To be sure, we are not driving a car with a "new car smell" and a warranty anymore! And that's where the hard work really begins.

It's time to rebuild. And that, my friends, can be painful. 

Many of you have faced this time of your life. Whether it's rebuilding a marriage, repairing a relationship, or re-growing a team, or healing the wounds of a church, this season of life is not quite so exhilarating! That positive momentum must be created and nurtured and cherished when we find it. It's plain hard work to rebuild. Its costly. It requires perseverance and faithfulness and a desire to see something rise from the ashes that was greater than before. In order to rebuild we must be patient and committed, and we must say good-bye to what we once held so dearly.

It's easy to give up. To trade in the car with 100,000 miles on it, or the wife who is now middle-aged. It's easier to walk away when a friend hurts us or to throw something away when it breaks. Rebuilding is not as fun as building because generally there is sorrow mixed in with the hard work. Generally when we're rebuilding - in any of these scenarios - there is a grief, a loss, perhaps a sense of hopelessness because SOMETHING has caused us to need to rebuild. It takes much more energy to rebuild than to build the first time.

This spring a huge tree fell on my in-laws house. It fell right down the middle. It totaled their home. We all cried. We had so many great memories in that house. It had to be torn down and rebuilt almost completely. And we were saddened by that. As my in-laws now rebuild they are excited about a new home, but that joy is certainly tempered by the loss and trauma they experienced. 

But they know this home will be stronger and better than the first one, however much we loved it.

So what's broken in your life? What loss are you struggling with? 

Where do you need to rebuild? How do you think God can make it better than before?

Trust in the Slow Work of God

We live in a "microwave", "I want it all and I want it now" kind of society and culture. We, as Americans, really are not very good at waiting. And while we're waiting on one thing, we're busy doing another. This is a huge fault of mine. I am impatient - I want to see things happen NOW! 

However, one of the greatest revelations I've had in the most recent years of my Christian journey is that the transforming work of God within us (discipleship if you will) might not look quite like I want it to. We, as humans, love control. We love methodology and plans. We like to be able to follow a series of steps and at the end "voila!" we have accomplished the task. I grew up thinking of discipleship or spiritual formation as a series of classes - it was the knowledge you learned about the Bible. Then I moved on to a more charismatic church where I saw the expectation that spiritual change happened as an "Event", in a moment, as we encountered God. What I believe to be true now, as a 43 year old woman who has followed Christ for 33 years is that the work of God can be both, or either and alot of things in between. When God works it defies our human descriptions. Who can fully describe the work of the Holy Spirit? I certainly cannot understand it! And so, in my own life, I have observed the work of God to go beyond the obvious changes we ourselves might desire so that we can be comfortable with some quantification and "progress". I think the work of God is deep, and awesome, and it is - above all - a divine process that requires us to pay attention - to God and to ourselves. And at some junctures of the journey, to await that holy touch from God we need.

Pierre Teilhard de Chardin wrote this poem that expresses it so well:

"Trust in the slow work of God.

We are, quite naturally,

Impatient in everything to reach the end

without delay.

We should like to skip 

the intermediate stages.

We are impatient of being on the way

to something unknown,

something new,

and yet it is the law of all progress

that it is made by passing through

some stages of instability ---

and that it may take a very long time. 

Your ideas mature gradually ---

let them grow,

let them shape themselves,

without undue haste.

Don't try to force them on,

as though you could be today

what time (that is to say grace and circumstances

acting on your own good will)

will make them tomorrow.

Only God could say what this new spirit

gradually forming within you will be.

Give our Lord the benefit of believing

that His hand is leading you,

and accepting the anxiety

of feeling yourself in suspense and incomplete.

I love this poem. It reminds me to enjoy the journey, to stop and poke in little antique stores and to stare at stunning vistas along the way. It reminds me to stroll on the beach with no goal in mind. It encourages me to sit on the porch swing and just be. 

It reminds me that crossing the finish line, arriving at our destination is only one part of the journey, though it be our end goal. It reminds me to allow myself to be shaped by God in the midst of the uncertain times of life, in the midst of difficulty or frustration. Whatever I may be ultimately headed for, saying a resounding "yes" to God in each moment of our life will be the goal of each day of my life. Some days - probably most days - THAT will be my progress in this life. 

Do you find it hard to wait? Are you more impatient with yourself or with others? Or with God?

Learning Through Failure

Today John Maxwell twittered the following quote:

"Good people are good because they have come to wisdom through failure. We get very little wisdom from success." -William Saroyan

This is one of the most profound statements I've ever read. And it's a lesson I've learned well - and with much kicking and screaming along the way! If I related this to ministry I'd say that I surely learned things when all was going well and the church was growing. As I developed two worship ministry teams from nothing, as our church grew from twenty-two people to 700, as we began to rotate three entire worship teams, I certainly learned alot about leading worship and about how to lead a worship ministry. I learned alot about people as well. I was stretched and I grew. I gained alot of needed expertise. 

But nothing has stretched me and enlarged me like the times I've experienced what I will call "utter failure". The first time was when I was asked to step down as worship leader because of my gender. I have never been more embarrassed and humiliated in my life. Even though I did nothing wrong, I still feel that this was one of the times in my life I felt most like a failure. Navigating this situation taught me a great number of lessons, and helped me gain alot of wisdom, although some of it has taken years to really begin to realize and come to fruition.

Perhaps the biggest "failure" that affected me deeply was my attempts to help provide leadership in the wake of church tragedy. Let me say very clearly that I had no idea how to do that. I don't think anyone did. But it was discouraging. I worked so very hard and despite my best efforts, despite working long hours week in and week out, despite researching and seeking counsel, the last few years have contained wave after wave of difficulty. My best efforts were not enough to overcome problems that have affected and hurt so many people and this has grieved me to the depths of my heart. Because of this, for most of those years I have struggled with feeling incredibly ineffectual as a leader and worship pastor. 

Here is the irony of it all. When The Brook was growing rapidly, I got asked for advice all the time. To be honest I had no idea how we grew - it all seemed like just a blessing from God. I certainly don't think I had anything to do with it. Although my opinion was sought many times in those years, I don't know that I had much to offer other leaders in the first twelve years I was in vocational ministry. 

Here is the absolute truth:

I've learned more in the past 3 1/2 very hard, arduous years that have contained little to no success than I'd learned in all the previous years combined. I didn't learn the most from being "successful", although I have undoubtably enjoyed success upon occasion. I learned endurance and faithfulness from times of difficulty, brokenness and even failure. I learned to constantly seek God when I had no idea what to do. I learned that my ideas were really no good at all when I had to rely on God. I learned the most when I had to surrender and fall on my face before a Loving God and the only prayer I could dare utter was "Have mercy". Through all of this I learned compassion and humility. Today I actually feel like I would have something to offer other leaders if asked.

You see,  we don't gain the deepest wisdom from learning how to "do" tasks and set up systems or manage people. We do not gain wisdom from improving our skills and abilities. We gain wisdom when circumstances force us to see ourselves as we truly are. We gain wisdom when we face the harsh realities of life. We gain wisdom only as we allow these circumstances to mold us and make us more fully into the image of Christ.

Wisdom is not easily won. It is a gift with a price tag attached. In James' writings, he mentions wisdom in conjunction with these things: the testing of your faith, endurance, strength of character, and a willingness to seek God. If we are honest we might admit that none of us really seek out situations that test our faith. We cringe away from the very things which offer the greatest opportunity to grow.

"Dear brothers and sisters, whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed you will be strong in character and ready for anything. If you need wisdom - if you want to know what God wants you to do - ask him, and he will gladly tell you. " James 1:2-5

My idea of success has changed a bit in the last few years. I want to grow as a church because I long for more people to come to know Christ. But it means less to me now. I now look for people that have persevered, who have overcome, who have remained faithful, and who have learned through their failures and difficulties. Show me a woman or man who has faced adversity and who still faithfully loves God and others and I will call that "success". 

I love this verse from Proverbs: "Don't be impressed with your own wisdom." (3:7) Instead we are given this instruction: "Tune your ears to wisdom, and concentrate on understanding. Cry out for insight and understanding. Search for them as you would lost money or hidden treasure. Then you will understand what it means to fear the Lord and you will gain knowledge of God. For the Lord grants wisdom!" (Proverbs 2:2-6a) 

What difficulty are you facing right now? What can you learn from it?

Service Starts With Your Attitude: Sunday Setlist 8/16/09

Today at The Brook Brian preached on another one of our core values, service. He made a great point that service really begins with our attitude, our heart. We must desire to serve for the right reasons, with the heart Christ had (as noted in Philippians 2) in order to serve in love. Humility is needful in order to serve as Christ served.

Today was a bit of a challenge for our team. I had been gone all week. Several of our musicians were not regulars in their spot and we did not get to rehearse together on Wednesday night so rehearsal this morning, to be kind, was hard. Trying to smile and lead when you have a knot in your stomach is always interesting. I was a nervous wreck but it's always funny to me to see how God moves in spite of our weakness. I made mistakes, I'm sure the band made mistakes, but we saw people worship enthusiastically. When I got home my husband said "Ya'll sounded great today!" and I just looked at him and started laughing. Sometimes it is when we know we don't have a clue that God moves in big ways! This morning was humbling in many ways, but it was also comforting. Thankfully God does not need me to be perfect in order to have His way in our hearts.

Here's what we did today:

1. Majestic - Lincoln Brewster (I still struggle to not hear Sandi Patti singing the old tune with the same name when we do this)

2. Holy is the Lord - Tomlin (we interspersed a reading of Isaiah 6 in with this song. Powerful.)

Greeting and Welcome

Video - My Calling (Sermon Spice)

Sermon

3. Hosanna - Hillsong

4. I Stand Amazed - Kristian Stanfill

5. Sing to the King - Billy James Foote

The last set was very effective. The songs moved us along in worship in a very natural progression that gave the congregation space to reflect and then respond in worship.

So thankful for the powerful movement of the Holy Spirit in our midst....

**This post is a part of Sunday Setlists over at www.fredmckinnon.com**

So how was your Sunday?

What I Learned Cleaning Out the Closets

In the past few weeks I have cleaned out every closet, cabinet and room in my house. I've twittered this many times because I have been so very proud of getting this much abhorred chore completed. I threw away junk that I had NO IDEA I had. I gave away stuff that has not fit in years. We made no less than fifteen trips to the thrift store and our garbage can overflowed week after week. It feels SO GOOD to have gotten rid of so much useless stuff. Because I got rid of so many things I was not using - or needing - I can now clearly see all of the items I really do need. I even found things that I had forgotten I had! 

I had many, many deeply spiritual thoughts during this time. I learned quite a few things from purging my house all in a two week time period. So read on for spiritual observations from having my head stuck in cabinets and the backs of closets and taking unnecessary items to the Thrift Store....

1) Nothing makes us procrastinate more than an unpleasant task waiting to be done. I put cleaning this stuff out for months and in years past when I'd run across something that I did not know what to do with I'd stick it in a drawer, or in a closet. The past few weeks have been full of major discipline. I literally made myself decide about every single item in my house. Do I need it? Want it? Have room for it? If not, out it went! As I ran across crazy things stuffed in crazy places I thought of how often we "stuff" unwanted topics, feelings, desires deep down so we can hide them from not only our own view but others as well. We fail to actually deal with it, but we do get it out of sight! Of course eventually we - or someone else - will have to bring it out and look at it and decide about it. It will have to be dealt with. Whether we like it or not.

2) We collect stuff to make us feel secure. I almost think that this giant purging will cure me of shopping. I just never want to do this again! Good grief! I had too much stuff! How much money had we spent on loads and loads of things that we simply do not need or hardly even want? I'd rather take a trip, or give to a missions cause, than to continue to collect THINGS. Cleaning out all of the things we had because we "might" need them cured me of the need to collect stuff. I guarantee I'll think much more about things I buy in the future. I realize I don't really need so many things. I can do without much more than I thought I could.

3) It feels good to be free. To have less to think of and to worry about. I can't wait to move into a smaller house with fewer rooms to care for. To further simplify.....

Simplicity is calling my name.....

Sometimes We Get What We Want

First of all, an update. We have cancelled the contract on the lake house. Yes, we are disappointed. Severely so. But we just could not move forward for several reasons. We are now at peace with this decision (which I'll share more about later) and are looking at building a smaller house with a few upgrades we know we'll enjoy. Our house is on the market and it looks awesome! Phil and some friends worked really hard to help us get it ready to be listed and we are praying for a quick sale! Pray with us. In the midst of all of that, we took Daniel to college at The University of Alabama on Sunday morning and got him moved in. He's having a great time working with Alabama Outdoor Action (an honors service project) and Phil and I are hanging in there. Here are my thoughts on this particular time in our life.....

Sometimes you get what you want. 

We spend our entire lives as parents working towards one goal: to grow and equip our children so that they can become independent adults, able to care for themselves and realize all of their God-given potential. We rejoice when they drink from a cup, learn to walk, go to school, make good grades, learn important social skills, and use their talents. As I taught my children to do housework, it was always with an eye towards the day they would have to care for themselves.  As they enter their teen years, we set boundaries so that they learn to hand in homework, fill out applications, get to school on time, etc. all on their own. Along the way we nag, we cry, we threaten, and we worry and fret that they day will come when they forget a commitment, fail a class, or miss a deadline and it will adversely affect their future. As a mom to three children, I got REALLY tired of this. I got tired of being the bad guy, of always reminding them to study, etc. I got tired of being the recipient of eye rolling and deep, painful sighs. I longed for the day when my kids would remember to do things on their own without me constantly reminding them. Well it looks like I'm getting what I wanted!

Why are we surprised when our children grow up and begin to do just what we trained them to do? My kids are now 24, 22 and 18. All pretty much adults. They can all vote for President. They've all held jobs. They've done well in school. They are doing many of the things I taught them to do all along. Not all of them. But many of them. 

And therein lies the great dilemma of a parent's heart. While we long for them to become independent adults, we also long - in some recess of our heart - to be needed and loved like when our kids were little. It's a little bit like being downsized at work when your kids seem to no longer need you. (let's be real - my whole paycheck goes towards college so they do still need me! haha) You feel "fired", "let go", and you wonder if your kids will still want to be around you when there is no rule that says they must hang around with you! As good as it feels to see your kids functioning on their own, it's a bit bittersweet as well. A phase of your life is now gone.....we must say hello to a new one. 

When your kids leave home it signals the beginning of a new and exiting phase of their life. But it also signals a new phase of a parent's life as well, one in which it is all too easy to focus on what we're losing, and not on what we're gaining. We who have defined ourselves by our relationship with our children for so long must begin to see ourselves in a fresh light, to be open to new opportunities, and to realize that God has good things for us at this time in our life as well. (Jan, are you listening to your own preaching, girl?!)

Yes, there will be grief. I feel it every day - for all my children as they are no longer in my house. I see it in Phi's face as well. I know that it is a part of this transition for us. It's something we will continue to wrestle with.

For now, I'm trying to be open to new opportunities that this phase brings - a fresh time in my marriage, a chance to try some new hobbies, maybe build a new house, or whatever God has in store for us.

But the truth is this. Sometimes we get what we want. And it kinda hurts in ways we never expected. We wouldn't have it any other way - we wouldn't hold our kids back - but it's undoubtably hard. It requires us to wrestle and to lean into God - and one another. I feel like I'm hanging on to God and to Phil right now! I hope they can both be patient with me! I know in time I'll adjust although I know parenting never stops, it just changes it's appearance at times! My prayer is that I can traverse these shoals with grace and a joyous and thankful heart. I'd love it if you'd pray for me and with me.

So what about you?

Have you ever experienced this? Getting what you want and then feeling some pain with it? Share!