A Worshipful Heart

It's a "BIRTH"day Party!!!

Come join the fun! And bring a friend!

This free digital invitation made with Smilebox

It's Time to Party!

 And you're invited!  

We'll be celebrating the official Kick Off of the Give Worship Project THIS SATURDAY, May 1st at 7:00 pm. 

You can join the party at Shea's Express, 415 Church Street, Huntsville, Alabama. It's in downtown Huntsville.

We'll have prizes, homemade goodies, good times of worship together and a chance to hear about what God has done as the Give Worship Project has gotten started. 

Please feel free to bring a friend. We'd love for everyone who is interested in this ministry to join us in celebrating the goodness of God. 

Honestly, I'm just amazed - and awed. Can't wait to spend the evening together. 

Please join us......

It just won't be the same without you!

A constant fear.....

A constant fear that I have is that I have offended someone or that someone is mad at me. I hate that I worry about this all the time.

I think it comes from a combination of factors - I'm an extremely sensitive, empathetic and intuitive person so I pick up people's unease pretty easily. And while their problem may not be with me, I always worry that it might be! I can't tell you how many days I have wished I could be clueless and float through life oblivious to the moods and frustrations of others!

I think the other factor that trained me to always think someone was offended was the many years I've spent on staff at churches. That's sad isn't it? But I'll bet if you asked most ministers, they'd tell you the same thing - that they heard many more negative comments than positive ones. I actually got to the point that I hated to see certain names pop up in my inbox because I assumed the communication would be negative. While many people want to talk to you when you are serving as a minister, very few want to talk to you to say "thank you" or "good job". 

And now I find myself at a strange stage of life. I'm at a new church. My relationships with many old friends have changed and morphed into something that is strange and alien to us all. As a result we aren't sure how to act with one another. We're not sure what topics are safe and are afraid of upsetting one another. Conversations can be stilted and uncomfortable as we struggle to find a new normal. And almost every time I travel to work with the Give Worship Project I work with - and sometimes teach with - new friends. People that don't know me, or my history, or my personality, or even my "qualifications" or abilities. All of these situations have been hard and uncomfortable for me. With so many new relationships, I feel like there are few places in my life right now where I am fully known and understood and so the fear of offending escalates. 

"What are they thinking? Do they understand me? Can I be myself and not offend someone? Who can I talk freely with? Will I inadvertently hurt someone's feelings? Will I have to prove myself that I can do a good job over and over again?" 

I've never had problems making friends before, but I'm struggling a bit now. Everything is new and unknown......and sometimes awkward.

I'm just being honest.  

At this time in my life, I long for what we all long for. I long for that comfortable, warm old blanket of being fully known and yet - inexplicably - fully loved. 

Anyone else every feel this way?

A Challenge to All Worship Leaders

**Below is a letter I sent to a few friends in ministry tonight. If you are a worship leader or staff member I challenge you to read...and to help."

Dear Fellow Worship Leader,

I am writing to many worship leading friends this week.  I hope you’ll take a moment to read and to pray for God’s guidance. I believe that worship leaders in the USA have a great opportunity to bless those that lead worship around the world. 

Since founding the Give Worship Project in late 2009 I have worshiped with the Body of Christ around the world. I’ve sat in worship services conducted in ten different languages in four different countries! And I’ve always been humbled and amazed at how faithful these brothers and sisters are in their service and ministry. They have few possessions and money, not much in the way of facilities at their churches, and many face persecution and serve in places of great turmoil and deep sorrow.  Yet their desperation for God is evident and they worship enthusiastically and openly. 

Since I began traveling and equipping I’ve partnered with three different mission organizations, and have helped provide teaching on worship for about 300 church leaders in four different countries. We’ve met in everything from small, mud walled churches, to restaurants, to a small retreat center.  We’ve helped provide native language resources, money for travel, and lodging, and meals - none of which these leaders could have afforded on their own.  And everywhere I’ve gone, the leaders are HUNGRY.   They travel for many days - sometimes walking for hours - to arrive at the training site. They are so thankful for the training, for the encouragement. They long to learn, to grow, to have an opportunity to improve and to help their congregations. In this way, they are just like you and I. Yet opportunities are few. 

And that’s where you and I come in. We can help. As I was reading about many leaders attending a well known worship conference this year I had the idea to challenge my friends who serve in worship leadership. If all my friends who lead worship would give $50 to the Give Worship Project for every ministry conference they have or will attend in 2010, we could come close to raising enough money for providing continued needed training in Rwanda, India, the DR, Haiti and South Africa. We have so many opportunities available to us here in the US - conferences, classes, online, books, etc. Yet some of these leaders do not even own a Bible in their own language. Instruments are few and far between. Affordable training is no where in sight. In fact, I find that the work that the Give Worship Project is doing is RARE and UNUSUAL.  And invitations to train and equip continue to come in......

After a recent worship conference in a rural area of Rwanda,  Anna, the Rwanda country leader for e3 Partners simply said, “This was the best day of my life. I never knew that I could worship God everyday whether or not I was a talented vocalist.” (she is a church planter and pastor) The participants shared, “We never knew that what we did was a holy calling. We didn’t know it was important. Please come back and teach us more.” I was immediately asked to come back and teach in several different areas of Rwanda. They are excited about the continued discipleship of church leaders through the study of Biblical Foundations of Worship. 

Yet I can’t go unless I am sent. Right now I have invitations to continue working in India, Rwanda (long term), the DR, Haiti and South Africa. Think about how many church leaders, and therefore churches, will be impacted!! Together, we can help “make His praise glorious.”

There are two different ways you can get involved:

1. Go to www.giveworship.com and give a one time gift - my suggestion is $50 for every training or church conference you will have the privilege to attend in 2010.  (consider it a sort of tithe or thanks offering!) Ask your worship team to get involved as well. Send out an email and take up an offering during rehearsal then send it in. ALL GIFTS ARE TAX DEDUCTIBLE as the Give Worship Project is a 501(c)3 non-profit organization. 
2. If you’d like to be a part of combining missions and worship on a more personal level, I am inviting you to consider going to Rwanda with me and helping evangelize, plant churches and then help me teach a 1 1/2 day worship conference. The curriculum outline has been written and approved and it would be an honor to have you as a co-teacher. My next trip is Sept. 15 - 26 with e3 Partners and it will cost $3850 - most of which you should be able to raise from your church. (you can see trips at www.e3partners.org) Email Mary (mary.wagner@e3partners.org) or Mike (mike.wagner@e3partners.org) Wagner, who are missionaries with e3 to Rwanda, for more details about the trip. You can call (256-348-5174) or email (janowen@knology.net) me for more information about the worship conference. 

That’s it. We - who have so much - have the great opportunity to bless others who do not. God has called us all to go.  We can stand beside our brothers and sisters in Christ. Will you answer the call today? Please pray about your involvement. I need your help. More importantly, your fellow church leaders need your help. 

God bless you!

How Can I Pray?

I know that every visit to this blog represents a person, a life and all the worries, hopes, relationships and dreams that each person has. And while you, as readers, often know what is going on in my life, I don't always have an idea of what is happening in yours. 

So today I want us to take a little break from talking about church, missions, leadership, worship, etc. and instead talk about you! I'd like to hear  - from each reader! - a need in your life that I can pray for. Feel free to share more than one.

I'll share some first so none of you will have to go first: 

 - please pray for my husband Phil as he recovers from back surgery. Pray for a full recovery.

 - pray for our house to sell and for God to guide Phil and I as well as our adult children in the next phase of our lives. We're all at transition points.

So now it's your turn to share. What's on your heart today? How can I pray? I know many of you never comment. I hope you'll choose to comment this time. I would love to hear from you. 

**readers, the vast majority of this post will hopefully be in the comments.**

Do You Always Have An Answer?

Today Rick Warren posted this update on Twitter: "Spent day at bedside of neighbor as he died. Suffering need hugs not homilies, silence not sermons, listening not lectures."

Almost exactly four years ago I lost a long time friend. First to mental illness. Finally to suicide. She was also my pastor's (and boss) wife. In the aftermath of that incredibly sad night, I faced alot of challenges personally. Post traumatic stress disorder. Constant tears. And in the midst of all that grief, incredible stress at work as I tried valiantly to deal with everything and everyone at church. And, as I've mentioned before, I really didn't have any answers. Every situation we faced at church seemed complicated and messy. Group grief and unanswered questions kept all of us off balance. The two years following were a time of great misery, if I am at all honest. 

It was a time of brokenness. A time of suffering. And it was a time in my life that I most needed a friend. I needed someone to listen, someone to hug me, someone to cry with me. And because so much of the pain revolved around church, I needed a friend in ministry outside my own church. 

I'm still saddened by how hard this was for me to find. I would go on a retreat for pastors, or be with a group of ministers and try to share. I was desperate. I needed someone to help me sort it all out, to be shocked with me, and to talk to me as a person.

About 95% of the time what I got was advice. I was repeatedly lectured. "You should have done this." "Why didn't you do that?" "You need to quit talking about it and move on." (regardless of the fact that we were still in the middle of it!) I got criticism and very rude questions. There seemed to be a ghoulish delight in dissecting the events we'd been through. Sometimes I even felt that other church leaders rejoiced just a little bit in knowing how far down our attendance had fallen. 

Almost every pastor I talked to had an answer. 

And I didn't need an answer. I didn't need someone to quote the Bible AT me. And I certainly didn't need a lecture. I shared and every time I hoped for someone to pray with me. To listen to me. To grieve with me. To express compassion and sympathy. To be a friend.

And eventually I found a few ministers that reacted with their heart and not their head. I finally had a fellow worship pastor that said "Jan, I know you've had an incredibly hard couple of years. Tell me what happened." And then he sat and listened to it all and he looked at me at the end of it all and said "I am so sorry." No advice. No correction. No ghoulish questions. No arrogance. It was just what I needed.

Along the way there have been others. They've cried. They've prayed. They've held my hand. They've felt sorrow at the sadness our church experienced. 

And they admitted, perhaps most of all, that they didn't have the answer.

Maybe that's what I needed most of all. 

What I'm Learning About Forgiveness from Rwanda

Have you ever had one of those moments when God just hits you between the eyes with a truth? One of those moments when you see yourself in the light of God's extreme holiness and you just cringe? I had one of those moments while in Rwanda. 

While in Rwanda, I worked with a young Rwandan man named Dani. He was from the village I was working in and had previously been walking four hours each way to attend church. He was thrilled that a church was being planted nearer his home (only 1 1/2 hours walk!) and had been out preaching the gospel even before our arrival. My job was to model sharing my testimony, sharing the gospel and beginning some discipleship for him so that when I was gone he could continue to work. I'm not sure that Dani needed me - in fact I learned one of the most incredible lessons of love I've ever learned from him. I'm not sure that in our relationship I was the actual teacher and mentor!

One day we walked down the road to share in a particular part of the village where no one had been yet. There was a marked difference in the people's attitudes. It was harder to share. There was a bit of taunting, which we'd not experienced before. We arrived at one house and Dani was very hesitant to go in. He didn't explain why and I didn't ask but after a moment of emotional wrestling he said that we'd go in. An older woman came to the door and invited us in. She claimed to be a Christian and I could see from Dani's face that for some reason he was not believing what she was telling me. But while we were there a young man came in and heard us share the gospel and gave His heart to Christ. 

We went next door. The family was a Muslim family, but they welcomed us into their home. They asked many questions and shared a desire to know the truth. The young woman looked so lost, however. She later shared that she felt no peace in her home and that her husband was beating her. We shared the hope of Christ with her and she eventually accepted some New Testament scriptures to read for herself.

As we walked down the road the next morning, Dani said "Jan, I have to tell you something. Have you ever met someone who has done genocide?" Of course I shook my head. To my knowledge I'd ever met someone who had committed this heinous crime of hate. He continued, "My brother - in - law was a victim in the Genocide. We had to hide my sister's children because their father was Tutsi and so they were targeted as well. This village we shared in yesterday was one of the first villages targeted by the Interahamwe (a Hutu paramilitary terrorist organization). They came in and killed everyone that was a Tutsi - there was much violence done here. That is why there is a hardness, and a bitter spirit. Many people who have committed Genocide live in that village still. Do you remember that old woman we shared with?" I said that I did and Dani said, "Her sons killed the entire family of the Muslim woman that lives next door to her. Throughout the village - and throughout Rwanda - people live next door to the very people that killed their families." 

I was - to say the least - completely shocked. My face must have shown my great distaste because he went on to explain, "We in Rwanda know that if we cannot learn to live together and to forgive one another then this cycle of hatred will just repeat itself. So people who committed Genocide are put back in the communities that they violated. It is the government's plan to help us learn to live together peacefully. In many of these homes, they live next door to one's who have done violence against their loved ones. But the perpetrators have confessed and repented and asked for forgiveness. And sometimes the families of those who were killed will even help out the family of the killer while they are in prison. They may help farm their land or help with their children. It's an exercise in true forgiveness. One of the keys is that they confessed and admitted their wrong."

I stood there in the middle of a country road in rural Rwanda and had tears running down my face as this young man explained so patiently to me what forgiveness is really all about. I have a very expressive face so I know I just looked horrified. He gently touched my arm and said softly, "Jan, you must forgive those who killed and did violence as well." 

And in that moment I felt slammed in the chest with such deep grief and shame as I considered all of the petty things that keep us - as Christians - from truly loving and caring for one another. These people were not even necessarily Believers and yet they were working towards forgiveness because they so clearly saw the cost of living in hatred. They saw that the cost of not living in unity was simply too high. And so they said....."never again." And they have put action to their words. Never again - and they are willing to fashion their lives in such a way as to make this true. 

In this moment, I had to face something distasteful about myself. I was wallowing in unforgiveness.

I had been struggling to forgive for awhile. I would forgive one day, and then get angry again the next. I don't know if that is normal or not - to have to choose again and again to forgive. But as I stood there in this village that was living out reconciliation in a way I could hardly imagine, I was horribly convicted. If a COUNTRY can do this, why couldn't I, as a Believer in Christ Jesus do this? If they know they must forgive and work together for the good of an earthly country, then why couldn't I realize I MUST forgive and work even with those who have hurt me because we have SO MUCH MORE AT STAKE?

I - as a Christian - don't work for an earthly country, but for the Kingdom of God. I have been forgiven and saved! Shouldn't I be able to offer forgiveness more freely?

So we believe a little differently about pre-destination, the tribulation, style of worship, role of women? Can we have unity in basic beliefs, choose to continue to partner together, and live out one of the most profound and difficult statements of Jesus? Even when we've been hurt?

"And now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples." - John 13:34-35

I felt such a deep shame that day - I saw a truth about myself that I didn't want to see. But I also saw the possibilities of what could be - what my heart could look like - what we could accomplish as Christians if we truly practiced forgiveness and reconciliation. 

I don't mean a cheap, quickly uttered, "I'm sorry" and "I forgive you" and then a polite ignoring of one another. I mean the people of God doing the hard work of confession, repentance, asking and receiving forgiveness, and living lives of reconciliation - which is just plain hard and a choice that impacts all of how we live. This takes work, humility, and love  - and more than mere words.

I haven't banished all the feelings of anger every single day. I still have days where I just feel deeply saddened. But I am making progress. I'm making positive choices. I'm praying for those that hurt me and trying to take my thoughts -and my words - captive. I'm trying to give chances and to show love and forgiveness. I'm trying to rejoice in what is good. 

I learned alot in Rwanda. Alot about true repentance and forgiveness. And unheard of reconciliation. 

Alot about myself.

And I pray every day that God will give me the strength to do what is so unnatural to us all - to forgive. 

Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to apologize to? Who do you need to pursue reconciliation with? Feel free to leave an anonymous comment if you want to talk.

Things I've Never Done....

I'm a bit tired from thinking big and profound and life-altering thoughts so I need a fun break. I thought we'd play a blog game and learn more about each other. 

Here's how you play....

Answer this question: In my entire life I've never ___________________. Think of something that many people have actually done. Don't ruin it by saying something that hardly anyone has done such as climb Mount Everest!

I'll go first.

In my entire life I've never:

a. done my taxes (neither has Phil - his mom does ours)

or 

b. cooked a turkey (I know, I'm a homemaking failure! I'm sure those who thought I was Miss Susie homemaker are now deeply disappointed.)

So now it's your turn. Share one thing IN THE COMMENTS BELOW, NOT ON FACEBOOK that you've never done!

Ready, set, go!

Thoughts from a Ministry Failure

I admit it. I'm a failure. I've had some successes in this life but no one looking at my resume would ever call me a total success in ministry. It pains me to admit that but it's true. While I've seen God move in some amazing ways, I've also had some rough patches as a minister.

My first staff position was at a church plant that did not succeed and after 3 1/2 years they closed the doors. And before they closed the doors they asked me to step down as worship leader because they decided a woman should not be the actual worship leader. I went from being team leader to team member, which does not look great on your resume and is deeply hurtful as well! So that chapter of ministry was not a roaring success. 

Then I served for 11 years at The Brook, another church I helped plant. There were many wonderful moments in those eleven years and I worked with some of the most talented people I've ever had the pleasure to serve with. But in 2006 we had a horrible church tragedy, and in 2007 our planting pastor resigned. And in spite of my best efforts to help during this time, and in spite of working 70 hours a week, we grew from about 700 to about 300. It was one of the saddest periods of my life and one of the greatest disappointments I ever experienced as a minister. I felt like a complete failure!

So I suppose anyone who looked at my time in ministry without knowing the true life stories wouldn't think of me as a success. In fact, they might truly consider me a ministry failure.

But I have to confess something......

I have learned more from those "failures" than I ever learned from a success. When The Brook grew so quickly in the early years I got lots of phone calls from young worship leaders requesting meetings and advice. They all wanted to know what I had done to grow our worship team and what the secret to our church's success was. And truthfully, I didn't know. It was just the grace of God, and if any skill was involved it certainly was not mine! 

And then disaster struck. People left the church. I lost friends. I had NO IDEA how to fix our problems or how to go on. And so I spent hours and hours on my face before God, brokenhearted, seeking Him as I never had before. 

And I learned more from that time of "failure" than any other time in my life. Brokenness brings you face to face with yourself and with God like nothing else can. During this time of grief I learned to depend only on God and what was truly important in life become crystal clear. Brokenness has a way of destroying our pride and ego and  it certainly helped me to see my need for God. 

And although no one would consider me a roaring success as a minister, I actually feel that after all this I now actually have something to share that might benefit others. When things were going well I had little of substance to offer. But now, after seeming failure and true brokenness I can discuss things that really matter. I learned things from failure that I could never have learned from success alone.

So my main advice tonight is simply this.....

If you want thoughts on ministry that are deep, and that come from a humble heart, then ask someone who has endured brokenness. Who has been to the desert. I know you want to learn from the pastor who has had their church grow astronomically, who has all the markings of success. But you might actually learn more from someone who has endured heartbreak, who has had to learn in the midst of ministry not turning out quite like they envisioned it. While many can teach you how to "do" ministry, what systems to use, what programs are good, not everyone can teach you how to "be" in ministry. Not everyone can teach you how to handle the very real heart-wrenching difficulties that are so very common to those who serve as pastors. 

So if you are struggling in ministry, or if you just want some soul-deep insight, find someone who has struggled and remained faithful.

Ask someone who has failed.

Take Time to Trust in the Work of God

For this moment, let's do something radical as ministers. Let's take a moment to be truly honest. Stop the hype and be a little bit real. 

I know that today is a day of VICTORY. It is the MOST AWESOME DAY OF THE YEAR. I am SURE that YOUR services were OFF THE CHAIN, BABY!!! *Smile* Yes, I read everyone's twitter updates. And I've written more than my share of them too. But our public comments may not express all of what we are feeling today......

I also know that if you're a worship pastor, a tech arts producer, or a pastor then you are probably caught somewhere between exhilaration and utter exhaustion right now. You may be vascilating between feelings of euphoria over an amazing Sunday, and feelings of utter despair over the mistakes that were made or disappointments that you feel deep in your heart. You may even cringe at the thought of getting up tomorrow morning and even thinking about next Sunday. You may wonder if you measured up. 

Easter is the time of the year that we push the hardest and - if we're honest - feel the most pressure as well. People attend church on Easter that never go any other time of the year. Again and again we hear Easter Sunday referred to as "our Super Bowl", yet we know so much more is at stake than any sort of sports championship no matter how exciting that may be. We may feel pressure - whether it is communicated out loud or not - to produce a service that is more creative and amazing than last year. And while we love our jobs, that pressure can take a toll on us. And whether we want to admit it or not, sometimes all the "glowing reports" from other worship leaders and pastors can add just a little bit to the pressure as well. 

So I'll just warn you that if you're flying high today you may feel about as low as you can imagine tomorrow. The adrenaline will be gone. The complaints will begin to surface. You will be tired. And you will have to go on. For years, the day after Easter was the hardest day of the year for me. I wanted someone to say again and again "Good job!". (Don't judge. You do too!) I wanted the "afterglow" to continue. I desperately wanted to know that all the hours and intense labor was worth it and that it made an eternal difference in people's lives. But I was tired. Spent. Worn out. Nothing much left to give. Certainly I had no more creative ideas! I barely had time to enjoy the results of such hard work before it was time to be running again. Then one year I felt like I just couldn't get up and go in on Monday morning. Instead I wanted to run away. 

So I began a practice that helped me so much. I began to take the two days after Easter off. I would go away, or I would go get a massage, or go to the mountain or lake. I had to take time to refuel. To refill. To rest. I would ignore work entirely and after an intense week, choose to have FUN!

But more than that I had to leave the results of Easter Sunday in the hands of God Almighty. I had worked hard, and now I had to rest in His ability to bring fruit to bear, His power to bring results to life in the hearts of people. My best ideas, on my most creative days, cannot affect heart change. There is a work that only the Holy Spirit can do. All of my eloquence and hard work cannot do the powerful work that God Himself must do. 

And so tonight as you go to bed, and tomorrow as you drag your weary body and tired brain out of bed, I would urge you to take the day off. Go have fun. Fly a kite. Take a walk. Don't work. Refuse to look at emails. Spend time with a friend. Know that you gave your best. Rejoice in what God has done and is doing. 

And trust God to do what He can do best - change lives. It's not all up to you. Or me. 

And I am very thankful for that. Aren't you?

**A big thank you to all those who led worship, preached, headed tech teams, etc. today. I know your service was a gift of love.**