A Worshipful Heart

Who I Want to Be

 Last week I had the pleasure of meeting a "virtual friend" live and in person. Now Kirsten Wilson and I are "real friends". Kirsten lives in the Boulder, Colorado area so she graciously agreed to drive into Denver and spend some time with me. We are at similar stages of life. We have very similar experiences in ministry. We share some of the same scars and pain from being women in ministry. Both her and her husband have served on staff at churches. We've both worked at church plants. When we talked, I felt understood. It was easy to be with this new friend. That was a blessing. And she said something that really challenged me. 

When I asked her why they decided to move from Nevada to Colorado, she said something that really struck me. She said:

"When we moved to Colorado, it was the first time we moved because of who we wanted to BE, and not what we wanted to DO."

That statement has stuck in my mind ever since. And I've had to ask myself that if this was true for me, where would I move?

My immediate first thought was Hawaii because they live with such true "Aloha", focusing on family, friends and enjoying life. My second choice would just be the beach - Sanibel Island, Pawleys Island, or just about any other beach. I would move to either one of these places tomorrow if I could! I want to live somewhere that I can be outdoors more and enjoy nature. Where I can get out of the race of life a bit and slow down enough to hear God. A place where my creative spirit is nurtured so that I can be inspired to write and create more often. 

I love the mountains, but I really love the water. It just soothes my soul. So - bottom line - I'd choose somewhere with beautiful scenery and water. 

If you could move anywhere because of who you wanted to BE and not what you wanted to DO, where would it be? (no thinking about if you have a job or not, or money, or where family is, etc.) Just dream!

What Moves You?

 Well, the rumors are true. We  - praise God! - are moving. (or at least we have a contract on our house!) We have had our house on the market for over a year and to say that we are relieved to have a contract would be an understatement! And while we are only moving about 15 minutes away (for now!) we are excited to be taking this next step forward.

We thank God for guiding us, for hearing our prayers, and for providing so sufficiently for us this year. We felt led to put our house on the market last year in order to simplify, downsize and "be ready to move" to whatever God called us to do. We never dreamed that a few months later I would be without a job and we'd still have three kids in college! We never dreamed I'd start a non-profit and work as a worship missionary, raising funds all along the way. We never dreamed we'd end up leaving the church we'd worked at for so long and feel terribly "homeless" and lonely. We never dreamed that I'd travel to five countries to work. We did not know when we put our house on the market that the next twelve months would be filled with some of the greatest exhilaration and pain we'd ever known. 

But God knew. And somewhere in the midst of all the questions and wonderings and sorrow and of the past year I lost sight of that. Some days I felt God was very distant. I wondered why He would tell us to sell our house and then not provide a buyer. I questioned myself, wondering if I'd missed God. And in the midst of all the crazy transitions of the past twelve months - empty nesting, quitting my job, starting a non-profit, feeling called to missions - selling the house begin to represent a "stepping stone" forward for me - moving out of the darkness of discouragement more solidly into the new phase of life God is calling us to.

This morning I wrote this in my journal:

"Lord, I'm so grateful that you heard our prayers and my heartfelt cries for help. (there were days I BEGGED God to let us move!) I know you saw our hearts, in all of our weakness and pain and had great mercy on us. We are thankful today for your grace. I praise you Lord for your love and care and how you work in the midst of - and in spite of - our flaws and our questions, our fears and our wonderings. I am thankful to take this next step of the journey. Even though we do not know ALL that comes next in our life, I thankful for THIS STEP FORWARD. You have blessed us abundantly and we are grateful."

We all need those moments when we feel "seen" by God. Today is one of those days for me. Thanks for continuing to pray for us. 

So the question of the day is this: What is your best moving advice? Lay it on me!

What's Your Gift?

"Now there are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but it is the same Holy Spirit who is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service in the church, but it is the same Lord we are serving. There are different ways God works in our lives, but it is the same God who does the work through all of us. A spiritual gift is given to each of us as a means of helping the entire church."

 - 1 Corinthians 12:4-7

Whether we believe it or not, each of us has a gift to give the Body of Christ. This is a gift given by the Holy Spirit for the good of the church. And all our gifts are different, meeting different needs and functions necessary for the Body of Christ to grow and mature as God desires.

Honestly, I've always struggled to know what my spiritual gifts are. I've taken a myriad of tests. (you can google "spiritual gift test" and find a hundred online.) They all test for slightly different gifts, and ask different questions and my "results" always come out a bit different due to that. 

But after many, many tests and after much experience serving in the church and seeing how God has used my life, I can safely say that these are some of my top ones: Pastor/Shepherd, Leadership, Exhortation, and Mercy. I consistently see them at the top of every test I've taken. I also find myself involved in using these gifts more often than not. I'm not always comfortable with these gifts and sometimes I wish I had others, but as this is how God has provided in my life, I pray I am maturing in these areas and growing as I continue to exercise them for the good of the others and the glory of God.....and the furtherance of the Kingdom.

What about you? What gifts has the Holy Spirit given you to benefit the Body of Christ?

Does anyone else out there feel a little confused about this?

Do you "like" your gifts or are you a bit ambivalent about how God has gifted you?

Who Has Influenced You?

 "You don't have to be a "person of influence" to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me." - Scott Adams

"Blessed is the influence of one loving, human soul on another." - George Eliot

Everyone of us has been influenced for good by someone else. A teacher, a parent, a friend. I believe all of us could point to many people in the course of our life that encouraged us at a pivotal moment, who challenged us to grow in new ways, who taught us, and who helped us see ourselves and the world through fresh eyes.

There have been many key influencers in my life - people that encouraged me, saw the possibilities in me, opened doors for me, and loved me. Some were in my life for a short time and some have been in my life for years. I could name many - my Mother for sure, my Granny who is now in heaven, the pastor that gave me a chance and believed in me as a worship leader, friends who always were quick to affirm God's work in me, co-workers who invited me to see a new perspective, authors that I have never even met, artists whose work has stirred my soul, my children, and - without a doubt - my husband. 

Wednesday morning, at Cultivate Her, I shared just a short story about someone whose influence made a huge difference in my life. His name was Coach Taber.

When I was in high school I was a member of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes and our sponsor was Coach Taber. He (somehow) arranged many speaking engagements for the members of our club at churches and even other local organizations. I think he took me to sing and speak at every civic organization in town. I spoke at little churches all over Marshall County, dragging my little Peavey sound system all over the place, singing to my Amy Grant and Sandi Patti tracks. I spoke and sang in more churches then than I do now! I made all kinds of mistakes and had to simultaneously run my own sound system and sing at the same time. I can still see the very patient faces of the Lion's Club members as they stared at me over their lunch plates at Reid's Restaurant in Guntersville, probably wondering why in the world their speaker for the day was a 14 year old girl!

But I learned alot in those days about sharing the story of God's movement in my life. I learned that it was not okay to sit on your gifts and talents, but that it was our responsibility to share those with the world - even if you are 14 or 15 years old.  Coach Taber encouraged my parents to pay for vocal training. He always assumed and believed that God WAS at work in me, and that was a powerfully motivating belief in my life as a young woman.

He came to my wedding. He sent me Christmas cards in my adult years. And he always asked me one question, "Are you still singing?". Even though I do not think I have a marvelously original voice, he always believed in me. And encouraged me to keep on giving my best for God. He encouraged me to believe that God WANTED TO USE ME. This impacted and shaped my life in significant ways - and continues to do so even now.

Now it's your turn. 

Who has influenced YOUR life?

How can you thank them and honor them?

What difference did their influence make in your life?

Listen Up, Leaders!

      One of the most important things any leader within the church can do is learn to listen to others. The ability to hear another's perspective and care enough to learn from it can help navigate the tricky waters where leaders often find themselves. This ability can also help leaders gain invaluable insight as they seek to help shepherd and serve the Body of Christ. After serving on staff as a worship pastor for fifteen years, I can say with great certainty that this is something many leaders don't do as well as we should. Sometimes the conversations we could learn the most from are time-consuming and difficult. They revolve around hard topics that make us, as leaders, very uncomfortable. It can be supremely difficult to simply listen, seek to understand, and learn. Without defending, without making excuses, without thinking silently to ourselves, "They just don't understand."

I addressed some of this in a post I wrote last week about wisdom I've gained from leaving a church. In that post I made this statement: "Churches are missing out on a wealth of wisdom by failing to truly listen to those who choose to leave their ranks. I think we could learn incredibly valuable lessons if we could truly hear what is at the heart of all those decisions to leave a church fellowship. I believe it would be honoring to God to care enough to try to have some gut-level honest conversations where people are truly heard. Perhaps we could grow in fresh ways and help people to feel more loved if we did this. In hindsight (as a former staff member) it seems wise - and practical - to learn from these people. If it's an issue for them today, it will be an issue for someone else tomorrow. " 

I truly believe those who lead in the church could learn so much from simply pausing to purposefully listen more. And there are two groups in particular that  - if listened to - might could help those same leaders deal with issues that they may be blind to. One is those that are leaving your church, as I wrote about last week. The other is people who are visiting and looking for a church home.

We've visited quite a few churches since I resigned my staff position. This is amazing to me: 

 - As a staff member, I thought most things were made very clear and easy to understand for new attendees and visitors. As a visitor, many things are - in fact - very confusing. As a new attendee I have no idea who staff members are, or what different things referred to in the announcements are. (such as names of ministries or classes) They are a mystery to me! And so simple instructions or invitations become meaningless because I lack a basic definition of what is going on.

 - As a staff member, I thought the stair steps to involvement were clear and easily accessed and climbed. I thought the points of involvement were clear and able to be navigated simply. I mistakenly thought we'd built sufficient "bridges". As a new attender, this is not nearly as easy as it looked from the other side. Whether it's life group involvement or joining a ministry team, it's never as clear cut as the "Steps" imply. Sometimes it can be more complicated that simply taking steps 1,2,3,4. Everyone is at a different stage in their walk with Christ and also in life. And each step can be terrifying for a new attendee because - and this is the biggest key of all - we do not know anyone. We have no relationships. We have no point of contact. We expect people to take a huge step when we link them with a (to them) anonymous life group leader in another anonymous couple's house and expect them to just show up. I'm a people person and this is terrifying to me! The same is true for ministry involvement. It's hard to get involved when you know no one. At all. 

I know that, as staff members, we sadly sometimes blamed those who weren't connecting for this failure to get involved. "Well, if they'd just go to a life group, or if they'd just serve" are things I know that I said and other staff members mentioned as well. Sometimes this is true. Sometimes it is more complicated. 

Sometimes we are blind to the gaps in our systems because we ourselves have never had to use them!!! 

I believe church leaders could really help their churches improve this "assimilation" process if they'd take the time to sit down, talk to and listen to those who are seeking to find a church and get involved. Take the time to ask them what would work for them. Ask them what has not worked for them. Listen to what is confusing. Find out how the steps in your churches processes are perceived. If we listen long enough we might find a pattern that would help us tweak those assimilation systems so that they are more effective and people are able to connect at a deeper level. 

And all along the way I believe we must remain aware that not all systems work for all people. We cannot depend on our systems to be a "catch all". People are uniquely beautiful! We must always, always continue to build relationships and give a personal touch as we help people move into involvement as well as discipleship and service. As I mentioned before, not everyone is entering from the same place with the same experience. 

After all, I truly believe that most people come to church because of relationships - with God and with others. There's just no substitute for a little personal conversation, time and true caring. 

That's my two cents worth. 

And it can't hurt to listen can it?

 

While I Am Waiting.....

My friend Prudence wrote a post today entitled "Waiting Well". She simply asked this question at the end of her post, "How are you waiting?". As I replied to her, I realized my response alone was an entire blog post. I thought I'd share an expanded version of my comments here at "A Worshipful Heart". Perhaps some of you find yourself in a place of waiting as well......

While I am waiting I have good days and bad days. It’s a very long story, but I feel like I’ve been waiting to “arrive” somewhere for at least five years. And since a large portion of those five years were filled with tragedy and grief,  I also felt like I was waiting for the sun to rise in my soul as well.

I feel like I have been waiting for some time....

For things to get better. To be able to move on and not cry all the time. To wake up and think about some new thing besides what I've lost. Sadly, I never really saw the good days fully come again at the church I served at for so long, although there were sweet moments all along the way, even during the darkest days. But it was disappointing and painful to never fully see the sun rise, the spring dawn. To wait so long for that - and to pray and work so hard for it - and to have it end so disappointingly was heartbreaking.

And while I do feel like my resignation from that staff position and the birth of the Give Worship Project were huge leaps along the road, I don’t think that’s my final destination, if we ever actually reach such a thing here on earth. I still feel “in process”, and I struggle to figure out where “home” is and to feel settled in any one place. 

I feel a little bit like a wanderer.......

It’s as if my soul is restless, but for what, I do not totally know. Some days I want to move far away. I feel God calling me to distant lands. Other days that thought terrifies me and I think I've lost my mind. I'm just not fully at home here any more and I don't know how to "fix" that. So I feel like I am waiting, waiting, waiting on something that is about to occur but I don’t even know what that is.

Some days I am just like Prudy. I had one very remarkable “exit” and “new road” that I've traveled in the past year, but at the same time, many things in my life remain the same in a discouraging way. Some days I long for just one more concrete and visible step to take place to let me know I am definitely MOVING FORWARD and not going back and forth, back and forth! And not wallowing in grief and pain and frustration. I want to get out of those places so badly. And I want to know I am on the right path that God is leading me down, and not following some crazy idea of my own.

For me, I had become quite centered on selling our home as one of those concrete “steps”. We want to sell it, move into a little apartment, and have more money for ministry so we can be positioned to relocate if God calls. It’s been a year and nothing. No offers at all. We've wondered some days if we've missed God.  Did we not hear His voice? Is this not a godly and unselfish desire? 

Then why do we not see God's hand at work? 

Do you ever struggle with that fear?

Have I mentioned that it’s hard to wait? 

It's hard to be refined. It's hard to trust when there's no understanding. I do not struggle with trusting God. But I do struggle with trusting that I have heard God clearly. Some days that terrifies me. Sometimes in the waiting we feel like we’ve failed. Or lost our way. As if we’re wandering in the desert thinking, “I don’t want to stay HERE!”. 

And so I’ve prayed alot lately that God would help me view this moment as sacred.  

I wake up and ask God to help me be happy where I am today, no matter what the task for the day may be.  

I pray God will shape my heart into a grateful vessel - full of joy for what He has blessed me with right now, even if that never changes. 

I pray I will be thankful today, instead of pining for tomorrow. 

I pray I will be a blessing and an encouragement to others.

That is my lesson in life right now.

So, how are you waiting?

What I'm Afraid to Say...

Yesterday I asked (but no one answered!) "What is the one thing you wish you could say in your church?".

I promised that today I'd answer that question myself. I've spent quite a bit of time thinking about it as I've gone about my day today. From laying in bed forcing myself to get up and get a move on, to sitting in a chair getting a much needed pedicure, to vacuuming the house this afternoon - I spent many moments giving this question great consideration. What should I share? What could I share? And did it matter anymore?

I'll share several. Maybe some will strike a chord with you.

1) I feel unable to freely discuss my true views on women in ministry. Or mention that I'm (gasp!) ordained. Or my frustration with how many churches view - and treat - women in ministry leadership. Or how they are limited in this arena. When I bring it up, I'm labeled a troublemaker, or told I have "a chip on my shoulder". I would love to really share WHY things bother me so horribly (ask me, I'd love to share and many of my reasons may be different than you imagine!). And I'd love to hear someone in senior church leadership have the guts to stand up and address some of these issues and attitudes. The silence really bugs me. And the inability to talk about it without being labeled bugs me even more. I've felt for years that in the church world it's been okay to be prejudicial and even hateful, but not okay to point that out. This has hurt me - and made the church look bad too.

2) As a staff member, I felt unable to ever say I disagreed with anything. Sometimes the situations were awkward but small. Sometimes I felt torn - having to choose between my own values in ministry and what I was told to do. Then it was a bigger issue. Sometimes I just saw problems but did not feel the freedom to address it for fear of being labeled a complainer. Sometimes I saw problems and tried to address them but felt blown off. Regardless, I rarely felt the freedom to express an honest opinion. 

3) Now, I feel I cannot say I am really lonely. Although I go to church every single Sunday, I am lonely. In the midst of a crowd, I feel alone. Not sure of my place. Wanting to be fit in and use my gifts - but not sure how to do that. I feel I cannot say, "I really just want a friend."

I'd love to hear from you. Things were pretty quiet around here today. 

I've shared. Now it's your turn! What do you feel like you cannot say in church?

What Would YOU Talk About?

 My friend Anne Jackson's second book is now out on Amazon. It's called "Permission to Speak Freely" and it's all about what people wish they could talk about in church. I can't wait to read it! I've pre-ordered it and hope I can take it with me on my September trips.

This book was birthed out of a blog post that had huge response. Here's all about it:

"In May 2008, Anne Jackson asked a question on her blog, "What is one thing you feel you can't say in church?" 

Hundreds responded. Everyone had a story.

Permission to Speak Freely is the unique new project and movement of author Anne Jackson, who is finished with keeping brokenness in the dark. Bringing to light the original intent of God's sanctuary as a place of help and healing, Anne reveals that through confession, both to God and to others, we can live lives that are whole and healed.

Told with disarming transparency, Anne shares what led to her own addictions and the ensuing lifestyle that left her wounded and withdrawn, but ultimately rescued and redeemed. She includes dramatic stories of others who also learned to abandon their fear, pride, and masks; to identify their hurts; and to find the courage to speak freely.

Their confessions, submitted as mixed media pieces, photography, and sketches, were collected from people across the world, and are included throughout the book. Readers will share in the opportunity to find their own path to redemption and freedom."

I was one of the responders to Anne's original question. I'll share my answer to her question: What is one thing you feel you can't say in church? tomorrow. 

But for tonight, I'd like to hear from you. 

What is one thing you feel you can't say in church?

(Feel free to answer without your true name if that's more comfortable for you.) 

Let's walk out of the dark, into the light. Go ahead. Share. 

I Quit - Lessons From Leaving a Church

 It's funny how God teaches us lessons in life. I feel like I've learned so much in the past four and a half years - mostly lessons I would have willingly done without! 

Heartache and brokenness has a way of teaching us things that comfort is incapable. There are things that can only be learned through pain. 

One of the most painful experiences for me in the past few years was one that was repeated over and over again. While I was on staff at the last church I served in, we lost people by the droves. Saying good-bye to friends who chose to worship elsewhere - or nowhere - was heart wrenching for me. I cried about it. I dreamed about it. I grieved.

One thing I did not do was understand. Ever.

I felt betrayed. I felt sad. And on a very few occasions I felt relieved. The "problem" was gone. The "issue" was now forgotten. The complaining ceased for a moment perhaps. 

But most of the time for me, one of the original members of the church, and the most senior staff member, losing people felt like losing family. It hurt. Terribly. It hurts me still today.

And then one day in early October of 2009, I resigned from my staff position and left that church fellowship in early November. I said good-bye after eleven years in that church. Not just any church, but a church I had helped "birth". A church I was fully invested in. A church I deeply loved. (and I still do!)

And over the past several months I've watched many, many more friends choose to say good-bye as well. 

And you know what? It still hurts. For some crazy reason I still care. And it still makes me very sad.

But I've learned some things from being on both sides of this situation called "leaving a church". These are things I could never have learned had I stayed on staff. They are things I never could have learned if I had only been a member that chose to leave. Both experiences were needed to teach me these valuable lessons.

Here's what I've learned....from being left and from having to do the leaving: (Disclaimer: I know there are some truly difficult people out there - they could even be called crazy! -  but what I'm writing about are most normal, average church goers!)

1) We are rarely honest when we leave a church. Most people hate conflict and this is a way some choose to avoid it - just leave. When asked why they left, they offer the most palatable of their many reasons, but I now know that they rarely speak candidly with leadership about the true reasons. Strangely enough, even though we are willing to walk away sometimes, we are not always willing to sit down and "offend" someone by telling them why!

2) Therefore, I believe that staff is the last to truly know (if they ever do) what is going on when someone decides to leave. I figured out early on that if I as worship pastor had heard about someone being unhappy, then many, many other people had not only heard about it but discussed it amongst themselves! Staff are the last to know the truth. 

3) It is difficult for the pastoral staff members to truly hear people when they are unhappy because complaints make us defensive and fearful. We mistakenly believe we are holding everything together. When someone is unhappy we feel like our little ball of yarn is unraveling and we're trying desperately to put it back together. When this is our mindset, it's hard to just listen. Add to this the truth that many times ministers deal with cranky, hateful people and it's not hard to see why most pastors "listen defensively" because - let's be honest - most complaints are about us!!

4) Many times those who complain are "dismissed". I hate to admit this, but I have done this. I have failed to learn from a complaint because it made me look bad or because someone was mean-spirited as they "shared the truth". Sometimes I just wanted it to be over, for peace to reign, for everything to run smoothly (which it rarely did!!!) so I dismissed people's arguments. I failed to look for the kernel of truth.

5) People rarely leave over one issue unless it is a doozy! They generally speak up here and there, don't feel heard or loved or cared for, and then one last issue comes up and their emotional tank at church is low and so they walk. 

6) When someone decides to leave the church it is a beginning, not the end - for both sides. This decision is really the beginning of grief for both parties. It's not the end of a conflict. It's the beginning of pain, or questions, and of grief. Being left and being the one to leave are both horrible.

7) We are most often unaware of and unsympathetic towards the pain of one another in these situations. And so the pain deepens and the chasm widens. And people leave with hurt that takes years to heal -if it ever does. 

And perhaps the most practical things I learned were these:

***Churches are missing out on a wealth of wisdom by failing to truly listen to those who choose to leave their ranks. I think we could learn incredibly valuable lessons if we could truly hear what is at the heart of all those decisions to leave a church fellowship. I believe it would be honoring to God to care enough to try to have some gut-level honest conversations where people are truly heard. Perhaps we could grow in fresh ways and help people to feel more loved if we did this. In hindsight it seems wise - and practical - to learn from these people. If it's an issue for them today, it will be an issue for someone else tomorrow. 

*** Attenders are missing out on seeing any real change occur as they are unwilling to sit down and share from their heart what is going on in their life at church. Without honest input, how will leadership know what the problems are?

So in closing I'll simply say that if you've ever come to me and complained, I'm sorry I did not listen better. I'm not sure we would have ever agreed, but I do apologize for not being as open as I should have been. I'm sure I was defensive. I know I was fearful. And I'm not sure I was loving. That does not mean that I did not love you. It just means I was not good at hearing complaints!

And to all church leaders I issue this challenge.... learn from those who leave. Take it seriously. Realize that those who have decided to make this change are valuable people, your family in Christ. Treat them with love. 

May we all grow wiser and more compassionate as we seek to show true love for one another. 

An Honest Look

Sometimes I feel a bit misunderstood. I realize that I write very honestly and share things that are deeply personal. In fact, I would not blog at all if all I did was write about current events or church leadership. I'd have to say that I write from a desire to share my own experience. Because of this I share candidly about how I feel, things I struggle with and my perspective on life. 

I don't always claim that my feelings are "correct" or as they should be. I do claim that what I share is the truth about where I am. 

You see, I believe we can learn from one another. And I think that when we share what is REALLY going on in our hearts we give others permission to discuss the realities of their lives as well.

No more pretending. No more Sunday School answers. No more spiritual "muscle flexing". 

Just honesty.

I think God can handle that.

After all, David wrote in Psalm 51:6, "But you desire honesty from the heart, so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being."

So let's get honest. And let's allow God to speak to us and teach us to be wise as we examine our feelings, attitudes and hearts in the light of His truth and love.