A Worshipful Heart

Sabbatical Update

I haven't given a sabbatical update in a while so I wanted to let you know how things are going. This time has been wonderful, although at times I have had very strong emotions. I have enjoyed the rest, the opportunity to be with family and friends, and the chance to focus on taking care of myself and my family and even my home. In the rush of ministry some of those things just go by the wayside. But the days that those unexpected emotions swamp me are harder. As always, I find that God meets me in His own unique and faithful ways as I continue to process and grow through these experiences.

So here's what's going on with me:

1) I've been focusing on taking care of my body. Limiting caffeine, drinking lots of water, and exercising every day are steps I'm taking to care more for this body God has given me. You might say that this is my "thanks offering" for the privelege of having a strong and healthy body. While I have not lost any more weight I feel stronger and more energetic and enjoy the mental down time I have while exercising. I've been walking/running, biking and using the elliptical runner plus I've added hand weights to my routine. We've done some hiking as well. I hope to be stronger and leaner by this fall.

2)  I've been spending very purposeful time with my family. Daniel and I have visited Ave Maria Grotto, we hiked to the walls of Jericho, we're going to the David Crowder concert, we've done things with my parents plus we just get to hang out more. We bought a Wii and enjoy playing games on it together. We've gotten to visit with Maria and Philip more regularly. Phil and I have spent so much more time with one another - not just in Hawaii, but we've made room for one another more. I'm going with him to California next week - he's working, I'm hiking and biking up and down the Monterey Bay coastline and spending lots of time reading and journaling. I am just thankful that thisis one more week we will not be separated.

3) I've read and journaled alot. I revisited some of my favorite books but I also have read "Coming Home to Your True Self" by Haase which was interesting and I'm starting "Wounded Healer" by Henri Nouwen next week. I'm still looking to read "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership" by Ruth Barton when it comes out in July. I still have "Strength Finder" on my shelf to read as well!

4) I've listened to alot of music - I have a worship setlist that I walk with, drive with, and even use in my quiet times. God has used some of these songs to minister to me in a very deep way. Most of these are not new but the message still is ringing in my heart. Some that are touching me are:

 - "Restore to Me" - Mac Powell/Candi Pearson    - "Wholly Yours" - David Crowder Band            

 - "Ready for You" - Kutless               - "Yes and Amen" - Matt Redman

 - "More of You Jesus" - Pocketful of Rocks        - "God of Our Yesterdays" - Matt Redman

 - "Vision of You" - Shane and Shane            - "Love Break Me" - Starfield

The song that I've listened to over and over again is "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real. It's been my theme song. (thanks Michael!)

If I could describe my life on sabbatical in one word it would have to be SPACIOUS. I have time to live life at a sane pace and with purpose. When I do something - whether it is exercising or having my quiet time or even getting ready - I am not rushed or overwhelmed. I have the time and space to take my time and enjoy it. And I am loving it. There is something so peaceful about this way of life - I feel more alive to God and to those around me, including my precious family. I hope to carry this with me after I go back to work. Thank you again to my dear, sweet family at The Brook for this gift. I am resting and I am healing. I thank God for that.

What Would You Say?

I had a funny conversation yesterday morning. This conversation began after I mentioned that last Sunday I had visited the church this man attends. He asked about The Brook and the conversation moved on to our families, his desire to find the right woman and marry and then on to what it was like for me to be a minister.  It was good to connect to another part of the Body of Christ - we do tend to talk mainly to those we fellowship weekly with. But in this conversation, after I mentioned that Phil and I had just celebrated our 24th anniversary, he asked me what has to be the oddest question anyone has ever asked me about being a minister. I've had odd ones before, but this one just hit me in the strangest way. Here's the latter part of our conversation - remember that it was me (a 42 year old woman married to the same man for 24 years) and a younger, single male (maybe around 35 and never married) - but both believers. This is the gist of what was said during the "strange" part.

Guy: So is it strange being a woman in ministry? I mean isn't it hard?

Me: In what way?

Guy: Well, don't you get hit on alot? (in case you're wondering this was the strange question)

Me: Mmmm....no.....uh.....not ever that I am aware of. (envision a very awkward pause here) 

Guy: Don't you work with alot of men and counsel them alot?

Me: Well, I work with guys but I never counsel them alone. Or ride with them alone. Or meet with them alone. My husband doesn't spend time alone with other women either. We try to protect our marriage and respect the marriages and spouses of others.

Guy: I would think guys would really hit on a woman pastor. (really??? I thought in disbelief)

Me: Well, uhhhh....not in my case. (is this a phenomenom I am unaware of? Somebody fill me in.)

Guy: Well, how do you do it?

Me: what?

Guy: How have you stayed married - apparently happily - for 24 years with you in ministry and your husband traveling. I mean weren't you ever tempted? What's kept you together?

Me: I cannot speak for my husband but for me I can only say that I've met alot of men and I'd rather be with my husband than anyone I've ever met. He's my best friend. We protect our marriage too and just try not to entertain thoughts of others. You just can't go there. Sometimes it's easier than at others.

Guy: I don't understand.

Me: Weeeelllll, it's about more than thinking someone's hot or fine or whatever, it's about loving being with them and we love to be together. I married my best friend. You have to be content with who you have and spend time with them enjoying each other so you aren't tempted to be with others.

Guy: So what do you think makes a good marriage? What advice would you give to me as I look for a wife:

Me: Quit looking for women just where ever because they're good looking and look for someone who genuinely loves Christ. (per some previous convo) Your marriage has to be based on this foundation that you both share. Marriage is difficult enough without marrying someone who doesn't believe like you do. And what's on the inside that lasts and that you have to live with ultimately. Looks fade you know.

Guy: You don't understand - I can't find a woman who loves God like I do. (nice excuse for just going after the bod in my opinion)

Me: Well, I'm telling you that this is really, really important.

Guy: What else?

Me: Like I said, you have to protect your marriage, your thoughts, your love. Spend time together, serve God together and marry your best friend. Don't marry someone you don't enjoy hanging out with. Marriage is more than just getting to have sex sanctioned by God.

Guy: oh (very disappointed sigh and face here)

So what would you have said if he asked you? The marriage part I mean.....unless you've been hit on alot and want to share. :) You just never know where a "chance" conversation will take you! Heads up!

We Made It!

I am proud to say that Phil and I completed our personal challenge -sea kayaking almost 18 miles around the Na Pali coastline to land on Polihale Beach. This area is very remote with no services and only one beach landing for the day, which was at a beach designated only for kayakers. No way to hike or drive in! The entire day was an adventure I'll remember the rest of my life.

So here's the short version. We arrived at the beach around 6:30 and I knew right away I was probably the weakest link. Most were younger than us but it ended up that our strongest paddler was by far our oldest member - Jerry - around 65 years old and still running ultra marathons! We couldn't keep up with him! We launched from Haiena Beach park on the far northern area of Kauai to head around the point. As we headed out to sea in our tandem kayaks I will admit to being a bit fearful. There was no turning back at this point and we had been warned of seasickness, fatigue and sunburn. I wanted to finish the day well and it was a challenge to pace ourselves yet still keep up. As you can see above the first bit of sea was smoother but we were constantly riding 5 foot swells. We saw wonderful scenery and amazingly close views of pods of dolphins and many sea turtles and even the endangered Monk Seal, which is native to Hawaii. (he crawled right up on our  beach!) We went into a sea cave and stopped here and there for a swim. I loved getting out of the kayak and swimming out in the open ocean. The water was so clear you could see all around you - it was amazing. UNTIL I tried to "Superman" my way back into the kayak and dunked Phil! Oh well, he needed to get in for a swim anyway! We would capsize two more times that day! We stopped for a break nearer our lunch site - about 8 miles into the day - in a sea cave without a top, if that makes sense. It was beautiful. But when we came out we had to go straight out to sea because of a reef we were trying to avoid. We were on the windward side of the island and the wind had picked up, making it about a medium chop. We were also near a cliff, which meant the waves bounce back and you catch them from both directions. I didn't feel like we were making much progress and then when we got tipped over by a wave I really struggled to get back in with all of the waves around us. I don't have any pics of this part of our journey as we were struggling just to paddle!

This is a picture of our secluded beach. The only people there were kayakers - and at 11 miles from the nearest put in point there weren't many of them there. We found tons of beautiful shells and had a great lunch of fresh pineapple (out of this world) and sandwiches. Phil and I hunted for shells, walked around and reapplied our sunscreen. By this time it was unbelievably hot. We were on the west side of the island and it was about 1:00. Only 1 1/2 hours of paddling to go, and it was fairly smooth, but we were exhausted. It was the hardest paddling of the day and the beach seemed like it was SO far away! The sun and wind were scorching hot and my arms were so sore. This is the part of the trip that Phil and I had to really focus to finish. (I don't guess we had a choice but it was hard to keep going) I had to make myself count in sets of 200 strokes and promise myself a respite afterwards. We jumped out one more time to swim and then - finally - we approached Polihale and made a "surf landing", which seemed fairly simple with some help. We had done it! I was so amazed that I could do this very physically taxing thing given how sick I had been in the past two years. Even tired, hot and sore, I was proud and thrilled.

We  showered, changed and piled into the van for the two hour trip back to our cars. You can believe I bought the tshirt and when you see me wear it, know that I wear it proudly and with thanksgiving for a healthy body and a strong husband! :) Seriously, last night was killer. I thought maybe I had broken something in one of my arms, but a little med, a hot bath and some sleep and I am still sore but fine. Today was a slow day as a result, but we had an adventure not many people will ever have and I am really amazed by that. This may not make sense to you, but I really did enjoy the creation of God that is my body during this adventure. I am thankful that I am strong and healthy enough to do all of this. I can only say WOW! Thanks for your prayers!

We will be home Saturday night!

Aloha for now!

   As of 5:30 am Wednesday morning Phil and I will be on our way to Kauai! We are very excited and have all sorts of fun things planned - a helicopter tour to see the parts of Kauai that are simply not accessible any other way, snorkeling at Tunnels Beach, hitting the Shrimp Station and trying different flavors of shrimp and eating with the locals, going all the way to Polihale Beach this time and seeing the dunes, renting a 4WD for a few days and doing some exploring, eating LOTS of shave ice (macadamia nut ice cream with shave ice and syrup - lingonberry/passion fruit -  all topped with CONDENSED MILK! YUMMY!), finding some hidden beaches and eating our hamburgers from Duane's Ono Charburger while we're sitting there, boogie boarding, taking some afternoon naps, maybe getting a massage, hiking along the coastline, eating at Keoki's Paradise, visiting the coffee plantation, and kayaking the Na Pali coast! We are well overdue some time away with one another and poor Phil deserves this break from work as well. So pray for us and keep checking back. I'm not going to blog everyday but I will try to share now and then some of the fun we're having, especially after our big 17  mile kayaking trip! Pray for us - for our safety, for us to enjoy one another, for us to hear from God and to sense Him in these beautiful surroundings and for us to be able to truly rest - body and soul. Pray for our family as well, that they will be safe and healthy while they are here at home and that no emergencies crop up for anyone to deal with. We're off to Hawaii - our happy place! As Phil says, "It's just good for the soul!".

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

Break for Sabbatical Update

I was supposed to write about some things I have learned and experienced as a woman in ministry but to be honest, I'm just not ready to write about that tonight. I don't know what else to say - it's just painful and awkward and I need more time to process so I can say what I really SHOULD say and not mispeak in any way. It can be a pretty emotionally charged topic and it always makes me really cry to talk or write about it so I need to save it for another day when I feel more emotionally prepared. Thanks for understanding.

So I decided to take a break from the very emotional task of writing through my testimony and spiritual journey the last few years and simply give you an update on how my sabbatical is going. For the most part this week has been really wonderful. I've caught up around the house pretty much, made cookies with Daniel, actually cooked dinner and worked in my yard some. I spent the day with a friend, organized my pictures and made some gifts, scrapbooked, watched a whole movie, walked almost every day and got up every morning when I wanted to. But what I really want you to know is that I feel more present to God this week. My slower pace has allowed me to linger in God's presence, to sit and read and journal and not have to get up and move onto something else. My mind is not distracted by "church worries" or even knowing I am going to have to be somewhere in a few minutes. I feel like I can both start and finish a conversation with God. I've enjoyed listening to worship music simply as a worshiper. No services to plan, no thinking, "ooh, we should do that!", just letting the songs be a conversation between God and ?I. That's been so nice. I feel like I have heard more from God in three days than I have in a long time. And what God speaks to me in my morning quiet time stays with me as I take life at this slower pace.

However, I am struggling just a bit tonight. Phil is out of town and I feel alone. Maybe it was knowing everyone was at rehearsal but me. Maybe I tried to do too much this week. Whatever it is, tonight I feel a bit lonely and sad. Mainly I just miss my husband! His presence so often seems to make everything feel allright again. There's nothing like being with my best friend. My best guess is that there will be a few emotional roller coasters during this time. I don't think that healing is a linear process - there's alot of going back and forth and to heal we must address the pain, which is, well, painful!

Here are a few things I have noticed this week:

- I still am addicted to email and struggle not to pull out my laptop and look at it constantly. Pray for me about this. (This will not be a temptation in Hawaii)

- I have cried very easily all week - listening to music, looking at pictures, writing my testimony, having my time with God. My emotions just seem so close to the surface.

- I am still more of a control freak than I would like. I had to clean the house in order to relax. I struggle with not having a "job" or "project" or at least a plan to do each day. I need to learn to be okay with being "useless" for a while. Because of this I am reducing my goal list so I can rest more.

Continue to pray. I long to hear from God in this time.

Health Update #4

This is not my main post for today so please read my main blog below - "On My Face"! I wanted to give you another update - to keep me accountable - on my journey towards losing 40 pounds. As of today I have been dieting for 7 weeks and I have lost - tada! - 16 1/2 pounds! yea! One of the main motivators for me to lose weight was so I could worship God in my body and not be so limited. I wanted to be able to freely kneel and bown down before God! So read on as I share a bit about that.......

Exciting News: The Gift of Renewal

I wanted to share with you a piece of very exciting news. The leadership at The Brook, where I am a minister, has granted me the gift and blessing of a three month sabbatical which will begin April 21st. I will return to leading worship August 3rd. As you may know, I will celebrate my 10 year anniversary at The Brook in September of this year. Almost 25% of my life has been spent in ministry at The Brook - which seems amazing to me. I am very thankful and honored to serve this church family, which I love very dearly. If you know me, the last two years have been beyond stressful - not only did I have a lingering illness, but as a minister I dealt with the tragic death of our pastor's wife, tried desperately to minister to my church family in a situation where I felt totally lost, endured many changes and much turnover at church and finally went through the sudden resignation of our pastor and all the aftermath of that. It's been a challenge and a time of grief, pain and readjustment in many ways. With that said, I do want you to know that I am doing well. This is not a sign that I am falling apart, but that I am taking appropriate steps to care not only for myself but also for my family. I am looking forward to my sabbatical and then returning with a renewed vigor and passion. I feel God is at work in me in such a deep way and I know that this step was directed by Him.

I am so happy and thankful to serve at a church that cares about me and my family and is willing to give me this opportunity to rest and recover. Our leadership cares about my health - physical, emotional and spiritual. They are committed to me and I am blessed! For those of you unfamiliar with the practice of sabbatical, it is common among many other denominations and is taken for the purpose of renewal and recharging. Many pastors practice it every 5-7 years and say it's the best spiritual discipline for the longevity of their ministry. There are 8 main purposes of sabbatical, including: Relaxation, Recreation, Rest, Renewal, Revival, Rethinking, Refocusing, and Returning. Our goal - both the leadership at The Brook and mine - is for me to return to ministry stronger, healthier, and with a very clear vision and able to serve strongly for many years to come. I want to be able to fully "complete the race set before me".

I sat with tears in my eyes this morning as our interim pastor, Richard Buckley, said "We felt like the best way we could honor and bless Jan was to give her the gift of a time to rest and heal". I thank God for how He has provided for me and for my family, who have certainly sacrificed as I have served. I feel very loved.

So what will I do with this time away? Well, I will begin and end my sabbatical with one of my quarterly pastor's retreats, which are so grounding and healing for me. I will travel some - Phil and I are planning to go to our "happiest place on earth", Hawaii. We will be on the island of Kauai for 9 days in May. I will also go to Germany to visit with my dear friend Lana, who is living there presently. We plan to visit Bavaria, go hiking, and go to Austria as well. I can't wait for the Sound of Music tour!!! (My daughter Maria is named after two Maria's - from The Sound of Music and West Side Story) I will spend time with my children, and travel some with them and some with Phil as he has to be away. I hope to go out and be with my parents more and learn to make Chicken and Dumplings and Peach Cobbler with my mom! ( a worthy goal) I will be visiting other churches, although I will check in at The Brook about once a month to say hi. I am looking forward to simply sitting in worship and connecting to God as Jan, His daughter.

I will also be focusing on my health goals by exercising regularly and hope to attain that 40 pound weight loss goal by the end of this time. And I hope to focus on some hobbies that just feed my soul - hiking, photography, scrapbooking, and writing. As I write I hope to be able to map out my story and process what all God is teaching me through the events of my life, particularly the past two years. I will be focusing on spending much time alone with God and practicing spiritual disciplines as well and delving deeply into two books in particular: "Sacred Rhythms", "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and if I have time, "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership". I want to achieve some balance in my life that has long been missing! To this end I will be praying and working to restructure some "problem areas" of my life. (yes, I am a recovering workaholic) I hope to steal away with God for a day alone with Him here and there as well. And I know I will just simply rest.

Please pray for me as I prepare! I'll be writing more about how you can support me in the days to come, particularly while I am away. Your encouragement and support will mean so much to me. For now, pray and mark your calendar! Sunday, April 20th will be a very important day for me, a day we will hold a "Sending Service" for me to tell my story, and for the church to pray for me as I step into the journey of sabbatical. I'd love to have you join us. If you are at The Brook, there will be many opportunities for you to get involved in supporting me throughout this time and we will let you know what those are in the next few weeks. When I return on August 3rd, there will be a time of fellowship and celebration and I will once again share what God is doing in my life and what I have learned during this focused season with Him.

As I had my quiet time the morning after I met with our management team this last time, I wrote:

" I am so overwhelmed with gratitude this morning. You are so very good to me, Lord. Thank you for providing for me, for loving me in such deep ways, and for giving me a word from you and for hearing my prayer. I see your hand at work and I am truly blessed. I echo the words of the psalmist:"

"Bless the Lord oh my soul, and all that is within me bless His holy name! Bless the Lord oh my soul and forget none of His benefits, who forgives all my sings, who heals all my diseases, who ransoms me from death and surrounds me with love and tender mercies. He fills my life with good things so that my youth is renewed like the eagle's." Psalm 103:1-3

I believe not only was this passage, so readily called to my mind, a voicing of my praise to God, but it was also a word FROM God especially for me that day. He has certainly "filled my life with good things, and surrounded me with love and tender mercies - so that my youth is renewed." That is my prayer and my thanksgiving - that God will renew me to serve Him wholeheartedly, refreshed by His presence and the presence of my family.

Thank you for lovingly holding me in God's presence. I'd love to hear from you!

Health/Weight Loss Update #3

I just wanted to give you the latest update on my weight loss and health journey. I'm just beginning but tomorrow will be my 4 week mark! I am excited that I have been able to stay faithful and I can see some results. To this date I've lost 13 pounds! I'm thrilled! Only 27 more to go! I can tell some difference in my clothes, I'm feeling great and I am no longer addicted to caffeine. One great victory for me was that I had a long drive on Friday and got very sleepy coming home so I broke down and bought a Mountain Dew, formerly my absolutely favorite drink. I drank two sips and it just didn't taste good to me so I set it aside and didn't drink anymore! I just had to resort to turning the music up louder and sipping on my water. So obviously I've lost that craving for soft drinks - both the sugar and the caffeine I think - that I had. I just hope I can keep it up. Please pray for me! I want to be trim for my trip to Kauai in May! More than anything, I hope to be and stay healthier so I can honor God with this physical body He has gifted me with.

Read tomorrow's blog for an important announcement I'll be making on a step I'll be taking to help restore balance and rest to my life!

All Sorts of Stuff

I'm cramming all sorts of stuff into today's blog! Read on for all the varied news....

First of all, I'm going to give you my weekly "exercise/weight loss/health" update first. I weighed in today, one day early and have lost another 3 1/2 pounds for a grand total of 10 POUNDS!! Only 30 more to go! Woo hoo! I am now beginning to tell a difference in my clothes, which is great.

Secondly, I am leaving in just a little while to go to Murfreesboro, TN to spend the night with my daughter Maria. We have a grand girl's night planned with dinner out and watching a movie or Gilmore Girls. Tomorrow I'll get up bright and early and head to the Nashville Airport for my flight to Chicago. If you are a long time reader, you'll know I go away quarterly to meet with a pastor's retreat community in the Chicago area. And although we did not get one speck of snow here, I will hopefully get to see some there. The retreats are held on a beautiful campus that includes a lake surrounded by gorgeous woods and a road to walk. I'm looking forward to taking some walks in the snow and taking pictures, which I'll post next week. This retreat is focusing on "Engaging with the Scripture for Spiritual Formation". Please pray for me as I go that I will hear a fresh and clear word from God and experience His presence in a profound way as I carve out this space and time in my life.

Finally, I have to share something that I saw this morning that truly deeply disturbed me. I went to Books A Million this morning and the Buddhist group was meeting there having what was the equivalent of an evangelistic meeting, giving out little tote bags, etc. There were probably 25 people listening. What disturbs me is this - what drives people in the absolute buckle of the Bible belt to consider alternatives to the Christian church when they feel a spiritual need? While I feel that people are more spiritually open today, I'm afraid they are open to more things as well. Just another sign that we really need to get busy and make sure that we are offering the TRUTH of Jesus. The church may not be the first place people look anymore. Maybe we need to reserve Books a Million next weekend?!

If we did, what would you call it and what would you do?