A Worshipful Heart

Tonight Was A Good Night

Tonight was a good night. My youngest child, Daniel, will turn 17 years old (gasp!) next Tuesday and we took tonight as a chance to celebrate. Phil went with us to Red Lobster to eat dinner (Daniel's choice for shrimp) then Daniel and I headed over to the David Crowder concert. We ended the night at Kenny Mango's, a neighborhood coffeehouse, and had lots of great discussion along the way. It was a good night and I thank God for the chance to spend some true quality time with my son. As much as I enjoyed being with Daniel, that's really not what tonight's post is about - it's just the frame that the picture is in.

Since I have been on sabbatical I have experienced "church" in some different ways and in some different places - from retreat centers, to an outdoor church in Kauai, to my upstairs "sacred space" to a neighboring church to - tonight - a David Crowder concert. I am old enough to remember when people were totally shocked by a Petra concert at Huntsville High School in 1983 (I was thrilled beyond words) and to remember when Christians were less expressive, shall we say, in their worship. Raising your hands meant you were "one of those holy rollers". And dancing? No way! Because I can remember the "before", I am much more appreciative of the "after". Tonight we went to a Crowder concert at Huntsville First Baptist, a fairly traditional and formal church. The place was filled with people from all different denominations, and of all ages, worshiping God freely and loudly.

Sabbatical Update

I haven't given a sabbatical update in a while so I wanted to let you know how things are going. This time has been wonderful, although at times I have had very strong emotions. I have enjoyed the rest, the opportunity to be with family and friends, and the chance to focus on taking care of myself and my family and even my home. In the rush of ministry some of those things just go by the wayside. But the days that those unexpected emotions swamp me are harder. As always, I find that God meets me in His own unique and faithful ways as I continue to process and grow through these experiences.

So here's what's going on with me:

1) I've been focusing on taking care of my body. Limiting caffeine, drinking lots of water, and exercising every day are steps I'm taking to care more for this body God has given me. You might say that this is my "thanks offering" for the privelege of having a strong and healthy body. While I have not lost any more weight I feel stronger and more energetic and enjoy the mental down time I have while exercising. I've been walking/running, biking and using the elliptical runner plus I've added hand weights to my routine. We've done some hiking as well. I hope to be stronger and leaner by this fall.

2)  I've been spending very purposeful time with my family. Daniel and I have visited Ave Maria Grotto, we hiked to the walls of Jericho, we're going to the David Crowder concert, we've done things with my parents plus we just get to hang out more. We bought a Wii and enjoy playing games on it together. We've gotten to visit with Maria and Philip more regularly. Phil and I have spent so much more time with one another - not just in Hawaii, but we've made room for one another more. I'm going with him to California next week - he's working, I'm hiking and biking up and down the Monterey Bay coastline and spending lots of time reading and journaling. I am just thankful that thisis one more week we will not be separated.

3) I've read and journaled alot. I revisited some of my favorite books but I also have read "Coming Home to Your True Self" by Haase which was interesting and I'm starting "Wounded Healer" by Henri Nouwen next week. I'm still looking to read "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership" by Ruth Barton when it comes out in July. I still have "Strength Finder" on my shelf to read as well!

4) I've listened to alot of music - I have a worship setlist that I walk with, drive with, and even use in my quiet times. God has used some of these songs to minister to me in a very deep way. Most of these are not new but the message still is ringing in my heart. Some that are touching me are:

 - "Restore to Me" - Mac Powell/Candi Pearson    - "Wholly Yours" - David Crowder Band            

 - "Ready for You" - Kutless               - "Yes and Amen" - Matt Redman

 - "More of You Jesus" - Pocketful of Rocks        - "God of Our Yesterdays" - Matt Redman

 - "Vision of You" - Shane and Shane            - "Love Break Me" - Starfield

The song that I've listened to over and over again is "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real. It's been my theme song. (thanks Michael!)

If I could describe my life on sabbatical in one word it would have to be SPACIOUS. I have time to live life at a sane pace and with purpose. When I do something - whether it is exercising or having my quiet time or even getting ready - I am not rushed or overwhelmed. I have the time and space to take my time and enjoy it. And I am loving it. There is something so peaceful about this way of life - I feel more alive to God and to those around me, including my precious family. I hope to carry this with me after I go back to work. Thank you again to my dear, sweet family at The Brook for this gift. I am resting and I am healing. I thank God for that.

What Would You Say?

I had a funny conversation yesterday morning. This conversation began after I mentioned that last Sunday I had visited the church this man attends. He asked about The Brook and the conversation moved on to our families, his desire to find the right woman and marry and then on to what it was like for me to be a minister.  It was good to connect to another part of the Body of Christ - we do tend to talk mainly to those we fellowship weekly with. But in this conversation, after I mentioned that Phil and I had just celebrated our 24th anniversary, he asked me what has to be the oddest question anyone has ever asked me about being a minister. I've had odd ones before, but this one just hit me in the strangest way. Here's the latter part of our conversation - remember that it was me (a 42 year old woman married to the same man for 24 years) and a younger, single male (maybe around 35 and never married) - but both believers. This is the gist of what was said during the "strange" part.

Guy: So is it strange being a woman in ministry? I mean isn't it hard?

Me: In what way?

Guy: Well, don't you get hit on alot? (in case you're wondering this was the strange question)

Me: Mmmm....no.....uh.....not ever that I am aware of. (envision a very awkward pause here) 

Guy: Don't you work with alot of men and counsel them alot?

Me: Well, I work with guys but I never counsel them alone. Or ride with them alone. Or meet with them alone. My husband doesn't spend time alone with other women either. We try to protect our marriage and respect the marriages and spouses of others.

Guy: I would think guys would really hit on a woman pastor. (really??? I thought in disbelief)

Me: Well, uhhhh....not in my case. (is this a phenomenom I am unaware of? Somebody fill me in.)

Guy: Well, how do you do it?

Me: what?

Guy: How have you stayed married - apparently happily - for 24 years with you in ministry and your husband traveling. I mean weren't you ever tempted? What's kept you together?

Me: I cannot speak for my husband but for me I can only say that I've met alot of men and I'd rather be with my husband than anyone I've ever met. He's my best friend. We protect our marriage too and just try not to entertain thoughts of others. You just can't go there. Sometimes it's easier than at others.

Guy: I don't understand.

Me: Weeeelllll, it's about more than thinking someone's hot or fine or whatever, it's about loving being with them and we love to be together. I married my best friend. You have to be content with who you have and spend time with them enjoying each other so you aren't tempted to be with others.

Guy: So what do you think makes a good marriage? What advice would you give to me as I look for a wife:

Me: Quit looking for women just where ever because they're good looking and look for someone who genuinely loves Christ. (per some previous convo) Your marriage has to be based on this foundation that you both share. Marriage is difficult enough without marrying someone who doesn't believe like you do. And what's on the inside that lasts and that you have to live with ultimately. Looks fade you know.

Guy: You don't understand - I can't find a woman who loves God like I do. (nice excuse for just going after the bod in my opinion)

Me: Well, I'm telling you that this is really, really important.

Guy: What else?

Me: Like I said, you have to protect your marriage, your thoughts, your love. Spend time together, serve God together and marry your best friend. Don't marry someone you don't enjoy hanging out with. Marriage is more than just getting to have sex sanctioned by God.

Guy: oh (very disappointed sigh and face here)

So what would you have said if he asked you? The marriage part I mean.....unless you've been hit on alot and want to share. :) You just never know where a "chance" conversation will take you! Heads up!

I Am Limited

This is a continuation of my story of the past two years. See previous posts for more information. This is the first in a series of things that God really taught me from this period of brokenness. You might call these lessons learned the "hidden riches" of brokenness. Again, this post represents nothing more than my own experience, insight and opinions.

 

I’m sure you’re laughing at the title of this post and thinking to yourself, “I knew that!”. I always knew it of course, but it hit me very deeply as I walked through the course of these events. Since I wanted to do a good job and we were facing problems, I tried to handle every situation that came up, I felt responsible to solve each problem I encountered (and there were lots of them!) and just generally fell into the trap of thinking that if I worked long and hard enough maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. Obviously I missed that this was God's job! :) Looking back, I think that there were several things that drove me towards this thinking…

 

1)      I am (according to my husband) an overly conscientious, overly responsible person. I tend to always feel responsible for everything, whether it is mine to be responsible for or not. And I feel guilty when things go wrong or are left undone.

 

      I felt guilty a lot during this time.

 

     I had to learn that I simply cannot do everything and that it is okay to say “no”. This was quite painful for me at first. Now it is freeing.

 

2)      I am also a “fixer” – I try to make everyone happy. I hate and avoid conflict and probably try to smooth things over because of this. As you might imagine, I simply could not keep everyone happy.

 

      Another failure (in my eyes) – I felt at times that everyone was unhappy with me and since I couldn’t fix that I felt like I failed as a minister.

 

      My “breakthough” moment in this area was when I realized everyone did not like Jesus either and that He had people leave His ministry as well. (I’m not comparing myself to Jesus, just saying if He couldn’t do it, I don’t know why I thought I could) I was simply in a difficult situation with no easy answers.

 

3)      I was grieving what I had lost – a friend, yes. But more than that I felt like I had lost my church. I still served at the same address, at the same church building.

 

      But the chairs were void of so many I loved.

 

      I missed them and I grieved this loss deeply. And my grief made me afraid – afraid of losing again, of things falling apart entirely and the dream dying completely. This fear drove me to work harder and longer.

 

4)      I felt very guilty that people had left the church because I was allowed to teach. (please note it was not what I said or taught, just that I did) Others were hurt by these departures. To this day, people will talk about this time with tears in their eyes, and that makes me feel awful. (see #1) I can’t describe how it feels to unendingly have your being “allowed” to minister debated – and by those you love and are friends with.

 

      Being a point of contention is humiliating.

 

      I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I overworked to not only prove myself but also to perhaps make up for the turmoil this caused, even though I am very convinced that my teaching was a true God thing. I felt such perfect peace about it. The good news is that all of this kept me on my face before God, seeking Him with all of my heart. I read “Why Not Women?” by Loren Cunningham during this time and God spoke a very deep word to me as I prayed once again for an affirmation of my calling from God.

 

      God simply said “I’ve already told you that”.

 

      Futhermore, He showed me that while I had dealt with the issues of forgiveness for the events of my past, I had never dealt with how it made me feel about myself.  I had to face the woman in the mirror at this point and realize how I had let someone else’s disapproval mark me in such deep ways that were not pretty. These events, while very disturbing, have led me to a place of even more rock solid conviction that I am called by Christ to be a minister of the Good News.

 

Through this time I realized with fresh clarity that I can’t handle it all and I have many limits which honestly are a gift from God. They show me where to stop and rest in Him and allow HIM to act. I have physical and emotional limits, I am limited in ability and knowledge and maybe most of all, I am limited in my responsibility for others. People simply get to make their own decisions and I am not responsible for those. I realized I could never in a million years keep people happy enough that they would not walk out the door. I realized that – although I had fervently hoped otherwise – my being a woman in ministerial leadership would continue to crop up as an issue through the years. I could no longer hide from this issue and I needed to move forward and boldly obey God. As I realized my limits more and more, I actually found it quite freeing to realize I didn’t have to handle it all.

Today I thank God for these limits.

The Refiner's Fire

**This post is my experience and insights only. It does not necessarily reflect The Brook, any other leadership at The Brook, or the thoughts of any other church members. It is my testimony alone. **

 

To continue with my “testimony” I will have to share what I walked through following the death of our pastor’s wife. If you haven’t read that post, please do so here because this post will only make sense in that context. After our pastor’s wife died, I was pleased with how our church handled things. People seemed to pull together and we avoided the “hand grenade” we feared. Our fellowship did not scatter but seemed to be closer than ever. But as the months went by it was like this added stress brought to the surface many of our hidden problem areas, irritations and complaints. Over the next twelve months we were refined in a major way - and that was tough to deal with.

 

These were the biggies for me:

1)      I taught on a Sunday while our pastor was gone and it caused a huge turmoil in a small group of people. I was extremely hurt and disillusioned by comments made to me in the wake of this. This was a HUGE event in my life.

2)      We began to lose a steady stream of people from our church for a variety of reasons, ranging from those upset about #1 to people who couldn’t bear to be reminded of the suicide to who knows what else. This was the most heartbreaking thing I went through that year, losing not only friends, but ministry team members as well. That was discouraging and exhausting.

3)      I had a fairly difficult problem occur on one of my ministry teams that zapped me emotionally.

If I could sum those months up I would say that I was exhausted, still physically ill and very grief stricken but I kept trying to press ahead, take care of everybody and handle things and I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW HOW – and I felt guilty for it. In the midst of that exhaustion I experienced the events above and they just robbed me of my confidence and brought more waves of grief into my life as well. I felt responsible to help keep everything together and minister to our very hurting congregation but I also had my own grief. How does one navigate that? I still do not have the answer. I desperately wanted to help but I felt so torn at times and given the situations we went through (above) I had a new kind of pain enter my life – I felt like an utter failure as a minister and I was deeply feeling the loss of dear friends. It seemed like it would never end. Comments made by people who probably were also hurting compounded my pain. Leading worship was painful because all I could think of were those friends now missing from our fellowship.

 

It came to a big head one Sunday after church. I was supposed to go home, eat lunch, grab my suitcase and head out with the rest of staff to a “3C’s” conference with Ed Young Jr. My husband was lying on the couch watching football and I stretched out next to him and began to weep – not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs that I could not stop. I remember begging him to please let me stay home, and “don’t make me go back to church”. It was one of the lowest emotional moments of my life. I did go and I spent all of one session sitting on the floor in the back of the room just sobbing uncontrollably. I can tell you that at that moment I felt utterly broken. I felt like I would drown in the crashing waves of life – I couldn’t seem to swim out past the waves to the calm water or get on my feet to walk to shore. I feared I would drown and thoughts of quitting were never far from my mind.

 

At this point I literally felt like I came to the end of myself, I was quite literally desperate for God and I took what was – for me – a drastic step. I went to a National Pastors Retreat in Chicago. It was a big step for me because it cost a good deal of money and I didn’t know a soul there. I went and wept almost continually, but the extended time away with God was so good for me. I would say that weekend marked the beginning of a turning point in my life as God began to give me some wisdom in the midst of these difficult times. The spiritual discipline of retreat is something I am now doing each quarter and it has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. But the difficulties did not stop there and in fact the next 12 months were also very painful – our pastor resigned suddenly and I again felt such a huge wave of grief. But in the midst of the brokenness God was teaching me some beautiful lessons. I’ll expand on each of these individually in later blogs but here is the short list:

1)      I am limited - I cannot take care of everyone and I am not responsible for everything.

2)      I need to take care of myself.

3)      I need to rest in God’s all sufficient love for me.

4)      Grief will not be denied.

5)      I needed to ask for what I need.

6)      The most important thing I could give anyone was a healthy me.

Eventually God would begin to show me that there are hidden riches in the broken, desperate places and times of our lives. Although this was a terribly painful time in my life I can honestly say I would not trade it. I have learned so much and am hopefully wiser and more compassionate as a result. I’ve had good friends look at me in the midst of this and say “Will things ever be the same?”. I always answer honestly, “No.” To be honest, I am thankful that I will never be the same again. I am not thankful for the trials but I am thankful for the deep work God has done in my life throughout this time.

Leading Worship Through Tragedy

Please forgive the length of this post - it's a story I hope you will take the time to read.

There are times of leading worship that I will never forget. Some are really high moments, times when I felt like our whole church was unified in praise, focused on celebrating Jesus with all that we have. But the most memorable times of leading worship for me have been in the wake of tragedy. Leading worship following 9-11 was stunning and literally brought me to my knees. But it was in leading worship following the death of a longtime friend, who was also our pastor’s wife, that I came to more fully understand the hope we find in worshiping God when it seems that all hell has broken loose around us.

My friend died on a Saturday night, taking her own life after a long and bitter battle with mental illness. I really hesitate to say that but I don’t think you can understand the rest of this without knowing that, and our former pastor has given me permission to share this experience with you. To die is one thing, to have someone who is a believer, a friend, a wife, a mother choose to leave you via death is another thing entirely. It affects you in a much different way and leaves more than grief in it’s wake. Suicide leaves questions, fear, anger, feelings of betrayal, confusion, feelings of guilt and so many more negative emotions for us left behind to deal with. If you were around, perhaps this rings true for you – I know that I still struggle with these feelings.

She died on a Saturday night, and I spent all  that night first on the scene with family, then calling people, meeting with church members and trying to figure out what we would do for our two services in the morning as we had to tell our church body. I can remember how strange it was to walk into church late that night where many friends had gathered to pray and to realize that they were looking to me for answers. And I was terrified to open my mouth because I didn’t know what to say or how to answer people’s deepest questions. One moment stands out very clearly – a dear friend of mine grabbed my hand as we prayed and whispered quietly, “God, you are still good.” That encapsulated what leading worship would be like for me in the following days – I clung to that truth like a life raft. I realized that although I had no explanations to heal our hearts, no words that would make the pain go away, I could give one gift – the gift of pointing our church family to the continued truth of God’s goodness. To be honest, many things about that morning are a blur - each moment was seen through a veil of tears and pain. I literally almost passed out in rehearsal because I cried so hard and wondered if I could really do this. I struggled to remember my role as a minister. But God met with us in an incredibly sweet way that morning in each service. It was probably one of our more meaningful times of worship. As a worship leader, I felt that I was more than a leader of worship - in that moment my role was more of a distributor of hope. People sat with their heads bowed, their countenance so sad and dismayed and full of grief. As they sang of the goodness of God and lived out the truth of the verse that says “yet will I praise You”, I felt like we were literally reaching out and lifting up people’s faces, causing them to gaze not at this awful situation, but into the face of the Almighty and Ever Present God. Together we remembered that God is indeed still good and I saw their expressions change from fear and grief to hope and expectation. God was with us.

As we planned the funeral we determined that we were going to worship God. And I can confidently say that we did. It wasn’t easy - it was the hardest set of worship I have ever led. I worried that my team would fall apart. If one of us could not carry on, another stepped up. I don’t mean to sound trite, and believe me, it wasn’t – but we purposed in those moments to point to God alone and somehow we made it through and led worship with as much grace and authenticity as we could. I've never been prouder of our team. I can clearly remember family and church member’s faces as they sang of God’s goodness, the reality of eternity with our Savior, raised their hands and cried out to God. We did not celebrate my friend’s death, but we did celebrate the hope and love of the One she is now with.

It is easy to lead worship on Easter. Everyone wants to party that day. It is easy to lead worship when we all “feel the Spirit” and are rejoicing. But it is much harder to lead worship when we have such heavy questions and grief swirling around inside us that we are unsure that we can even continue to stand, much less praise God. In those moments we have to ask our selves, “What do I truly believe about God?” and “Do I really mean what I am singing?”. It's a gut check. I’ve never felt the weight of leading worship like I did at this time and in the weeks that followed. I “grew up” as a minister of worship in those moments.

I thank God for my friend. We lost her to illness long before we lost her to actual death. I do not rejoice in her death but I do rejoice in this one thing – that she is in the presence of her King, her Savior, who makes all things new - and I know she is worshiping Him. Her death has taken me on a journey of seeking God more and more.

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:3-5)

Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

The Story Continues

**The last two years have been truly life changing for me. I know I will never be the same and God has used these experiences in ways I never could have imagined. Here's the beginning of that story, which follows rather closely what I shared at The Brook on Sunday, April 20th of this year. Please remember that I write this blog as an individual, not to represent The Brook in anyway and I write about these events with the knowledge and blessing of our former pastor.**

In January of 2006 I had two momentous events occur in my life. I turned 40 one day and came down with mono the next. To better understand my struggle with mono, you can read my post, “Two years ago”. To say the least, it was tough! It would take almost two years to recover and during that two years I would face the biggest emotional challenges of my life. Here is the beginning of that story.

In April of 2006, we had our regular Saturday night service and then a few of us stayed afterwards to rehearse some music for Easter services. Our student pastor was playing guitar and during this time we both got phone calls from our pastor. All we knew that our pastor’s wife may have tragically and unexpectedly died – we did not know if she was still alive or not. As we literally jumped off that stage and ran to the car, we were truly racing into the unknown. Our pastor’s wife was a long time friend of mine. We had known one another and shared life for 23 years. Phil and I attended their wedding, I helped with their wedding shower, we supported these friends through seminary and celebrated many special times in life together. Planting a church together was a dream come true. The ride to their home was surreal. I can remember thinking I would hyperventilate and pass out and the rest of the night did not get any better. It was a true nightmare for many reasons. And in the end we lost our friend.

As I sat in their living room I remember thinking “I have no idea what to do”. In this moment of tragedy I felt catapulted into caring for others, handling details, making decisions, making sure that ministry and services at The Brook went on unhindered. I felt responsible for making sure it all held together and the truth was I just had no idea how to do that. What we went through is not in a book or a class anywhere. I didn’t know how to make the dozens of phone calls I would have to make to break this news, but I did. I didn’t know how to plan and carry out two services the next morning and break the news to our church family, but we did that too. I didn’t know how to answer all of the questions, nor did I have the answers. I didn’t know how to lead worship after such an event but that was something I also would need to learn. And I didn’t know how to lead worship at the funeral of a friend, but that was something I must face as well. And during all of this I was torn, very torn, between my own incredible grief and my desire to minister to our pastor, his family and our church. It seemed I had no choice. I could not stop to pay attention to my own feelings because – after all – doesn’t a good soldier continue to fight and keep pressing on? I was needed and I was happy to be helpful in any small way I could. But it was undeniably hard.

It all seems a bit of a blur to me now. Some moments stand out in stark relief and others just seem like a shadow. I was shaken by moments of gut-wrenching physical grief when I would cry so hard I would almost throw up or feel like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep or stand to be in the dark. I had recurring images flash through my mind and I would have nightmares as well if I ever did get to sleep. (all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder I was later diagnosed with) Yet if you saw me during this time you probably would never have known these things because I tried so hard to keep doing what needed to be done. I didn’t think I had a choice. We had not only a family, but a church to care for. We were in an emergency situation and I couldn’t let down my guard, I had to keep on ministering and caring and handling things. I saw a mirrored stress on my fellow staff members as we all wondered what to do but none of us seemed able to really articulate what was going on inside of us – and in reality, who had the time anyway?! We were needed. And because I was needed, I could not stop to rest or even to grieve. Or at least this is what I told myself.

Tomorrow I may write about what it was like to lead worship the morning after this occurred and at the funeral......

Thoughts on Being a Woman in Ministry

**Once again, this posting is a part of my testimony. This post in particular may be difficult for some of you to read without pouncing on the keys to debate with me. Please don't. As I have stated before, this is my own experience and testimony and I hope you will allow God to speak to you through what He has done in my life. Read prayerfully and to understand. Also, these are my own thoughts, I do not write them to represent The Brook in any way.**

I’ve thought a lot about how this experience of being a woman in ministry leadership has shaped me. It has been a difficult road for me at times. Thankfully not at this present time, but at times it has been a very confusing and painful place to live. I mentioned in an earlier post that when others – particularly pastors – said that I should not lead worship because I was woman, it was very spiritually confusing to me. It implied that what I was doing was wrong and if it was wrong, then it was in fact a sin and that thought broke my heart. That is a heavy thing to say to someone. Add to that the fact that I felt such a clear sense of calling and purpose and knew in the deepest places of my heart that God had designed me to do this and I was one confused woman at times. This confusion and absolute terror that I was doing something that was displeasing to God drove me to examine my own heart, motivations and desires and to get on my face and seek God. I dove into the Word and prayed and came to a place of true peace with being called into ministry. I don’t doubt this anymore. In fact the calling of God is something I cannot escape. I have – in bad moments – tried. The truth of the matter is that I know with almost as much certainty as I know my own name that God has called me. His voice has been so clear and I thank Him for that.

Through the years, though, there have been others that have not been as accepting and understanding of my role in ministry. For the most part I have been loved, accepted and respected and I am thankfulf for every friend and voice of encouragement along the way, but there have been notable exceptions. Many hateful things have been said to me as people voiced their disagreement. At times I have been deeply wounded and wondered if I would ever actually be able to fully use my gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. I am hopeful that those of us who “break the mold” a bit in our own setting pave the way for change in our church culture at large.

I could share forever on this topic but I wanted – as a part of my testimony – to confine this post to sharing some of my feelings over the years, some of the unique pains and some of my observations as well. Remember, I am sharing my own experiences and how God worked in my life as a result. No argumentative comments debating women in ministry please! Read to learn, understand and gain compassion please. I believe God will speak to you if you allow that. Although this list may sound really negative, God has used each one of these things to teach me.

1)      I have been most hurt not by those that simply disagree with me, but by those that equate being a woman in ministry with a sin, such as being a homosexual. That correlation has been drawn more than once as I have talked to people. Derogatory terms have been used in my presence – and by people I don’t even know or have just met! This equating of being a woman serving in ministry to an obvious act of sinful behavior has wounded me deeply because my first desire is to obey and honor God. I believe it must wound God’s heart as well – because He created all of the women in the world – and He did it in His image.

2)      I am further appalled that those who profess to both love and know Christ have been so very hateful in the name of God in defending their position. There is something very wrong about that. I find it amazing that in judging what they perceive to be a sin in another’s life, they themselves are very willing to act in sinful and ungodly ways.

3)      Whenever an issue would arise that revolved around my role in ministry it chipped away at my heart a little bit more. It's hard to be the source of contention simply because of your gender. It is – all at once – embarrassing, humiliating and guilt-producing. Please don’t take that as an admission of guilt. Women are notorious for carrying “false guilt”. Whenever someone got upset and went into see the pastor about my role, I felt horrible about it. I wondered if I should quit just to make peace. It’s a terrible feeling and I wanted so badly for someone to look at my heart, not at my gender.

4)      I have struggled with feeling like I am “almost a minister” – willingly used but for many years never truly affirmed. Titles and responsibilities have been questioned and argued, my ordination was a source of great concern for some, my being allowed to teach was debated by many. In many ways I felt as if I was not truly a minister, except in my heart - and I longed to be used by God.  I did not feel legitimized by the church (huge point here) and this left me feeling confused, used, resentful and hungry to know that what I did really mattered for eternity.    

5)      Because I so desperately longed to prove that I could do my job and because I was so fearful of being replaced, I became a workaholic. I let other’s view of my life shape me far too much. I admit that this was wrong. I am by nature a people pleaser and I hate conflict and I so desperately desired affirmation in my role that I overworked and cared far too much what others thought. This is an area of my life where God has been working overtime!

6)      One of my very best guy friends told me once, “Jan, just by doing your job you force people to face their own prejudice and preconceived ideas– and that is never easy or fun.” Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it.

7) I worried for many years because I do not lead like most men I know. At first I saw this as a lacking on my part, but now I see that I just approach things from a different perspective and in my own personal manner. I have learned that my "femaleness" has uniquely positive things to offer in leadership. I am now happy being myself as I do my job!

8) I carried a chip on my shoulder for quite a while and had to repent of that. I am getting a glimpse of God's heart for us - true unity and community and loving respect. What a great model for the world that does not know Jesus!

There is so much more that I could share but I must stop here for now. I pray that as you read you will seek to understand this pain and how God has used it in my life to grow me, strengthen me, challenge me, stretch me and help me gain the wisdom I need. I do want to say that I love serving at The Brook. I am treated with the utmost respect and care. I thank God that I serve at a church where we are all honored because Christ is in us all and “therefore there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28) I am deeply grateful for this gift. Through these precious friends the love of Christ has healed me in deep ways. Thank you, my church family, for being patient with me on this journey.

Break for Sabbatical Update

I was supposed to write about some things I have learned and experienced as a woman in ministry but to be honest, I'm just not ready to write about that tonight. I don't know what else to say - it's just painful and awkward and I need more time to process so I can say what I really SHOULD say and not mispeak in any way. It can be a pretty emotionally charged topic and it always makes me really cry to talk or write about it so I need to save it for another day when I feel more emotionally prepared. Thanks for understanding.

So I decided to take a break from the very emotional task of writing through my testimony and spiritual journey the last few years and simply give you an update on how my sabbatical is going. For the most part this week has been really wonderful. I've caught up around the house pretty much, made cookies with Daniel, actually cooked dinner and worked in my yard some. I spent the day with a friend, organized my pictures and made some gifts, scrapbooked, watched a whole movie, walked almost every day and got up every morning when I wanted to. But what I really want you to know is that I feel more present to God this week. My slower pace has allowed me to linger in God's presence, to sit and read and journal and not have to get up and move onto something else. My mind is not distracted by "church worries" or even knowing I am going to have to be somewhere in a few minutes. I feel like I can both start and finish a conversation with God. I've enjoyed listening to worship music simply as a worshiper. No services to plan, no thinking, "ooh, we should do that!", just letting the songs be a conversation between God and ?I. That's been so nice. I feel like I have heard more from God in three days than I have in a long time. And what God speaks to me in my morning quiet time stays with me as I take life at this slower pace.

However, I am struggling just a bit tonight. Phil is out of town and I feel alone. Maybe it was knowing everyone was at rehearsal but me. Maybe I tried to do too much this week. Whatever it is, tonight I feel a bit lonely and sad. Mainly I just miss my husband! His presence so often seems to make everything feel allright again. There's nothing like being with my best friend. My best guess is that there will be a few emotional roller coasters during this time. I don't think that healing is a linear process - there's alot of going back and forth and to heal we must address the pain, which is, well, painful!

Here are a few things I have noticed this week:

- I still am addicted to email and struggle not to pull out my laptop and look at it constantly. Pray for me about this. (This will not be a temptation in Hawaii)

- I have cried very easily all week - listening to music, looking at pictures, writing my testimony, having my time with God. My emotions just seem so close to the surface.

- I am still more of a control freak than I would like. I had to clean the house in order to relax. I struggle with not having a "job" or "project" or at least a plan to do each day. I need to learn to be okay with being "useless" for a while. Because of this I am reducing my goal list so I can rest more.

Continue to pray. I long to hear from God in this time.