A Worshipful Heart

Tonight Was A Good Night

Tonight was a good night. My youngest child, Daniel, will turn 17 years old (gasp!) next Tuesday and we took tonight as a chance to celebrate. Phil went with us to Red Lobster to eat dinner (Daniel's choice for shrimp) then Daniel and I headed over to the David Crowder concert. We ended the night at Kenny Mango's, a neighborhood coffeehouse, and had lots of great discussion along the way. It was a good night and I thank God for the chance to spend some true quality time with my son. As much as I enjoyed being with Daniel, that's really not what tonight's post is about - it's just the frame that the picture is in.

Since I have been on sabbatical I have experienced "church" in some different ways and in some different places - from retreat centers, to an outdoor church in Kauai, to my upstairs "sacred space" to a neighboring church to - tonight - a David Crowder concert. I am old enough to remember when people were totally shocked by a Petra concert at Huntsville High School in 1983 (I was thrilled beyond words) and to remember when Christians were less expressive, shall we say, in their worship. Raising your hands meant you were "one of those holy rollers". And dancing? No way! Because I can remember the "before", I am much more appreciative of the "after". Tonight we went to a Crowder concert at Huntsville First Baptist, a fairly traditional and formal church. The place was filled with people from all different denominations, and of all ages, worshiping God freely and loudly.

Invitation

I had planned to write about leading worship following my friend's death but I'm not quite up to that tonight. It's still quite an emotional topic for me. So I thought I would share something else. I wrote the other day that my retreat this past time was centered around the spiritual discipline of self-examination, or asking God to show us where in our lives, motivations and attitudes, thoughts, and of course, actions are simply "unlike Christ". As I prayed about this during my quiet time the morning prior to my retreat beginning I wrote a song as a prayer. It's not recorded yet, but here are the lyrics:

Invitation

(verse)

Create in me a heart that's pleasing to you

Come know me inside and out

Give me courage to pray, "here I am, have your way"

But I tremble before you now...

(chorus)

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

When there are simply no words left to pray

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

Transform all that I am in the light of your grace

(Bridge)

Invade all I am, come and see all of me

Help me rest in your love as your truth sets me free

Strip away the illusions and open my eyes

But never let me go, never let me go.....

I hope you can see my heart as well as my honest hesitancy as I wrote this prayer to God in the form of a song......maybe one day I'll record it, but for now I'm using it as a prayer and just singing it for my own self.

God, Are You Sure You Meant ME?

**This is my testimony. I hope you will read it with an open and loving heart. Please understand that as I write I am not interested in a debate over theological issues, ministry issues, or anything else so please refrain from those types of comments. This blog in particular touches on the issue of women in leadership and I ask that this issue not be debated here at this time. I am simply sharing my story and what God has taught me as I have walked through life. I pray that God will touch your heart somehow and that you will find a connection to your own journey with Christ. Read to learn and understand and grow together.**

I promised you I would unpack my testimony a bit more this week but I'm going to dive right into when I first started leading worship. If you have never read my "birth story" about how I came to know Christ and was called to ministry it's already posted on my blog and you can read it here. That should give you the background you need for this next part of my story. This part of my story begins 14 years ago, so it's a bit of a rewind.

When I was about 28 years old Phil and I began to look for a new church. This was in about 1994 I think. This was very painful for me. I had left friends and I was grieving this change in my life. I had served blissfully on our praise team for eight years and enjoyed my role on the back row of the stage. I didn’t long for anything more as a vocalist. I loved singing BGVs and considered it a privilege to sing at all. Can I say that at this point in my life becoming a worship leader had NEVER entered my mind?! During this time, I wondered if we would end up in a bigger church and I could not imagine tapping the worship leader on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, by the way, I sing. Would you let me sing with you?” I just thought that perhaps I would sit quietly in the pews for this next era of my life and Phil even jokingly said, “You can sing for me and the kids!”. (This didn’t make me feel better by the way) At this point I honestly thought I would never sing again. When I look back at myself at that time I just laugh. I had such a limited view not only of God but of life in general. I wanted to use this passion of mine for God’s glory and I connect with God in a very deep way when I worship Him. I couldn’t imagine NEVER using my voice for Him again. Well, we searched and searched, trying to find a church. We finally settled on a little church that was just starting out. This was the first time I had ever heard of a “church plant”. We were excited although there were maybe just 20 people there. We thought we had found what we most wanted and were excited to be a part of this new beginning. I had determined that I would NOT tell anyone I was a vocalist. If God wanted me to sing, He would bring it to pass was my logic here. (I didn’t say it was GOOD logic, but this was my thought process) Well, God intervened through my husband Phil and before long I was asked to lead worship at this little church plant that was meeting in a Seventh Day Adventist school. I will just stop right here and tell you – I had no idea what I was doing. None. Whatsoever. At all. And all of you “real” worship leaders out there that lead from an instrument will laugh at this – I led worship to tracks! And yes, it was awful. Just me, a tape player and Phil on the sound board. I shudder when I think about it. While I play both piano and guitar I don’t play either one well enough to be confident in leading while playing. (Besides I like to walk around and raise my hands too much!) But even though it was awful in some ways and even though I thought I might truly hurl all over the front row the first time I led, it was a profound moment for me. I felt God’s pleasure in a very strong way as I led worship, even in these less than perfect circumstances. I didn’t have any training or experience as a leader, I had no team, I had no mentor but what I did have was a white hot passion to see others engage with God and worship Him. You see, that is how God had been working in my life. I can only vaguely remember a handful of sermons that I have ever heard, but I can remember God speaking to me over and over during worship very vividly. I was a passionate worshiper and was learning so much as I worshiped God – I longed to see this happen in other’s lives as well. My method of leading at that time – if it can be called that – was simply to worship and encounter God and hope others would come along for the party. Over the next three years our “team” grew to include a couple of musicians and a few vocalists. We did simple songs, had no budget, and used an overhead projector. There were no bells and whistles. But we had a great time and we enjoyed one another and began to grow as worshipers as well. I thought God was at work and I was thrilled to be along for the ride.

One day it all seemed to crumble for me - I hit a wall in ministry that had never entered my thoughts: our church leadership made the decision that a woman could not hold this position of leadership. So I had to step down. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words. Our church was never told the truth – only that I was “taking a break” – and that hurt even more. I was faced with some difficult decisions and my entire team threatened to leave the church if I didn’t stay on the team as a member. I felt very alone as I wrestled and struggled because I was so embarrassed that I never really spoke to anyone about it. I struggled with being sure of my calling. I struggled to know if I could, in fact, even discern God’s voice at all. I had thought I had heard God’s voice so clearly, but if this group of men was correct then I had been really deluded! I felt God’s pleasure in such a deep way as I led worship so if it was unbiblical for me to do so, then what did those feelings and leadings mean? Was I just crazy? I struggled to believe my pastor. What if there really was some other reason? What if this was just an excuse and I really just wasn’t good enough? I struggled with my attitude and to keep a pure heart before God. I wanted desperately to submit to my pastor and remain in worship ministry but inside I struggled with painful wounds and anger and resentment. I struggled mightily to forgive. And I would struggle for at least 10 years with how this impacted the way I see myself.

In some ways I felt as if this was a test and my response was hugely important. I can remember God saying “Jan, I don’t hold you responsible for what someone does to you, but you are responsible for your own response to them.” As I prayed I can remember hearing God say “There are better things to come”. (I couldn’t even envision what that might mean, but I just kept trying to follow God.) So I waited, and I submitted – not perfectly, but with great effort – and God was with me all during that struggle. I dealt with some aspects of it more easily than others and the impact of this event on my life has been huge, but God faithfully led me through every area of this wondering, struggling, wrestling and questioning. This was a moment of refinement for me, a chance to truly seek God about my calling from Him, to dig into His word and be sure of what I believe and it was a bit of a taste of some things I would encounter eventually as a vocational minister. Looking back I clearly see God’s hand in this situation. Although I felt like it, I was never truly alone. This was preparation for the next phase of my life in ministry. God used this time and these events in my life in ways I could have never dreamed or imagined. I'll share more later on how I feel God used this for good.

Tomorrow...Chapter 2 - We get the call from The Brook! Stay Tuned!

Meet the Amazing Justin!

I have posted several blogs already about those wonderful worship leaders who will be leading our congregation in our absence. Last but certainly not least, I want to introduce you to my friend Justin Lindsey. He is a musician extraordinaire, playing both guitar and drums with an amazing natural ability. He also sings beautifully and best of all, is a very sensitive worship leader and an all around sweet guy.

We have been truly blessed to have Justin as a part of our worship ministry for many years now. He is also the worship leader for our student ministry. He is headed off to college at THE University of Alabama this fall but has agreed to lead worship with our student band, 72West, one of the Sundays I will be gone. This group has led worship for us several times. I'd love for you to read about when they led worship last summer in less than ideal circumstances here. We are always blessed as they lead us to turn our eyes and hearts to Jesus! These guys truly rock and I don't just say that because this includes my son, Daniel, whose picture is below. I love it that these guys love Jesus and use their talents to glorify Him and serve His church. It's wonderful to have them lead us in worship.

Last summer I was blessed to have Justin serve as my summer intern. It ended up being a crazy summer and I doubt he learned too much from me, but it sure was a help to have him around. He did so much to help me. And he's great fun to have around in the office. Our favorite thing was to take a "Beauregard's Break" and Justin would run to get us wings and cheese fries. Hardly a nutritious lunch but it was fun! Justin is also near to my heart because we share a mutual love for the Alabama Crimson Tide! He's another rabid fan that understands me. And he also knows ALL of the great 70's and early 80's classic rock songs PLUS he can sing Johnny Cash. WOW!

About two months ago 72West led us in worship on a Sunday morning and I had the absolute honor of singing background vocals for Justin as he led. I had a blast! I loved not leading but still singing. We had so much fun. And we worshiped God together - across the generations, one generation declaring His works and majesty to another.

I know that God has a great purpose for Justin Lindsey. I can't wait to see how his life unfolds. I am thankful I have shared just a few years of his life. He is truly special! And I know our family at The Brook will once again be blessed as he leads them in worship.

Thanks Justin! I'll leave you some pizza money while I'm gone!

Thanks, Wendel!

Tonight I'd like to introduce to you my friend Wendel Saboia da Silva. He will be another of the greatly talented worship leaders that will serve our family at The Brook during my sabbatical time. He is currently serving as a worship leader in Faith Factory, our children's service on Sunday. Wendel shared a little about how he came to be a worship leader and how he came to the States. Just last week he became a U.S. Citizen! Congratulations Wendel! I know those of you at The Brook will enjoy Wendel's worship leadership. He has such a passionate heart for God to go along with his beautiful voice and great ability as a guitarist. Read on for more from Wendel himself.....

I lived my childhood with my parents and younger brother in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Before I could even speak Portuguese, my favorite pastime was singing to my mom's hair customers - especially since these ladies loved to bring me chocolate candy bars for my art! I grew up and when I was 11, I lost my recently converted mom, and brother as the consequence of an accident.  Adolescence was not the greatest, and I spent hours singing with my uncle (who could play the guitar). This was one of my favorite hobbies then - along with playing soccer, volleyball, and learning how to play some guitar to accompany my passion. When I graduated from high school at the age of 17, I moved to the USA so I could learn English and take some time away to ponder and get some answers for the big questions of life. After some serious searching, I found the One Answer that fills and holds the universe and at that time I gave my life to Jesus Christ. (thanks to my former pastor and his wife's prayers to find someone to lead worship at the newly established church) At this little part Brazilian, part American, part Hispanic church in Miami, I started learning scripture, and leading worship in Portuguese, English, and Spanish (I led worship since the third time I went to church, learning songs right before the service started - I still can't understand why I accepted that task then!!!). In one memorable moment during the bible study closing prayer, God spoke profoundly to my heart, showing me that before she passed away, my mom had prayed that I would become a musician - a Levite at the house of God, and that He was calling and anointing me for the task.

As the time passed, I got into school where I majored in first E-Commerce, then Computer Engineering, and my time was committed to church, school, and work - a time of much grace and hard work, when my comfort and best times of the week were found during the Friday and Sunday service worship times. Now, after 10 years of growing spiritually and scholastically, I got a job here in Huntsville - in December 2006 - with Boeing as a software engineer and believes that this is part of the blessing and direction which God has had in store for me.

As a worship leader, I like the intimate type of worship songs... prayer songs, songs which carry lyrics that directly express love, gratitude, and awe towards God... and in corporate worship, I love to experience moments where the congregation is united in abandoned adoration.

"It is awesome when God's Holy Spirit comes down upon and touches His people during corporate worship, and seeing that is one of my passions. My other passion is to inspire lead others to find the hidden pearl, since I believe that it is in moments of intimate encounters with God - yes, in the secret place - that a true worshiper will find his/her greatest gift, to know and be transformed by the heart, face and presence of God."

 

Favorite psalm: 27

Passage: Romans, chapters 7 & 8

Inspiring people from the Book: Jesus (of course), Joseph, Caleb, Daniel, and Paul

Book: An Arrow Pointing to Heaven - the life of Rich Mullins

Inspiring preachers: Smith Wigglesworth, Bob Coy

Christian Music: Steven Curtis Chapman, Hillsong Australia, Rich Mullins

What a Wonderful Day!

Yesterday was a wonderful day! It was a privilege to gather so openly with our church family and be an eye witness as they celebrated our Risen Savior and proclaimed His victory! From the opening video til the ending prayer each service was filled with joy and excitement - there was just a buzz in the air. As I stood on the stage to lead in worship I saw friends engage with God and there is not a more beautiful sight in all the world! With all of our hearts and beings we joined together to proclaim, "He is Risen Indeed!". What an honor to be a part of that!

I love leading worship on Easter because people do seem to come with such great expectancy. It's like they are sitting on the edge of their seats just knowing God is there to move. They have not only this human expectancy, they have faith that He will meet with them. That longing, expectant heart opens us to the move of the Spirit of God in a fresh way. We don't just come to church, we come with the anticipation that God has something special for us!

I believe that this explosion of joy in our services yesterday was partially due to this expectancy and anticipation we all brought when we came to worship. Yes, we worked hard on these services. But I think that - much more than that - it is our openness to God as we come, our sure faith that He is there with us longing to touch us, and our absolute determination to worship that brought such a PASSION to these times of worship. We were focused, we were fully present, we were all engaged and we longed to hear from God. God is always with us when we gather together to worship Him, He is indeed always working. But it is my experience as a worship leader that when worship times are "powerful" it's because we as Believers are worshiping wholeheartedly! We aren't watching others, half asleep, thinking about anything else - we are FULLY PRESENT with God and with one another. That is what makes worship memorable and powerful. Please don't misunderstand me. It is WHOLLY the presence and the power of the Holy Spirit that moves and works within us. I just know that many times we are unaware of God's presence, we are simply clocking time, we are on auto pilot as worshipers. When we are fully engaged and purposeful in our worship we open a door for God to move in an extraordinary way. Our hearts are open, we are ready and we become a willing vessel for God to work with. With this attitude we participate with God in His purposes! That's what we experienced at The Brook yesterday morning. Praise God!

I felt that yesterday's services were not so much "led" as "facilitated". There was a constant participation in all elements. I never felt like our congregation just sat and observed us "doing our thing". During worship they cheered, clapped, sang, raised their hands, cried. During the testimony that was given I saw so many tears of joy and compassion, and yes, probably understanding. There were warm smiles and encouraging looks as people affirmed - "yes, that's my love story too!". During our special music and even in our moments of transition, people responded to God. Some people simply sat and wept, or sang along. Others stood to their feet to proclaim with us, "My God is Mighty to Save" or to say to the world, "Yes, I am Redeemed!". I saw people move in very worshipful faith. Those were moments of participation as people responded TO GOD, not just to us and any promptings we gave. The worship simply flowed like a rushing river, all around the room, from heart to heart and up to God. We each gave something special to our time of corporate worship. I know it was a sweet offering to Him as we did this TOGETHER for His glory.

A big shout out to my family at The Brook! I love you all and loved sharing Easter with you once again. Thank you for letting me serve you in this way - it was a great joy and honor. Thank you to the many, many people who sang, played, preached, cleaned, built sets, handled lighting, slides, sound, served coffee, directed the service, greeted, ministered to our children and did so much more!It was good to have so many participate together.

On a personal note, it was wonderful to have my Mom and Dad with us, as well as having my daughter Maria home and at church with us. I sat with almost my entire family on Easter! That was really great. I loved being together with all of you!

Hope your Easter was blessed!

Good Friday - Stop and Remember

  Easter is fast approaching. Our team has spent weeks preparing worship and special music, service elements, staging and lighting, videos and a sermon that we pray will penetrate the hearts of those who attend. We have worked and planned so that the message of new life in Christ is very clear. We've prayed for others and the services and we've worked. But the question that so resounds in my heart tonight is how ready are WE, in our heart of hearts, to lead out on Sunday morning? We've prepared our music and our environment but have we prepared OURSELVES? We may feel physically prepared, technically we have thought through all of the details - yet it niggles in my heart that perhaps we have stopped short in our preparations.

Have we stopped long enough to thoughtfully consider the death of Christ on our behalf? I don't mean a quick "thank you" but a truly quiet moment where we stop, we sit, we absorb, we give thanks, we confess, we deeply consider the pain and darkness that had to occur. Have we been horrified lately that someone DIED for US? Without remembering the death, we cannot truly celebrate the resurrection. Without initial "defeat" there is no victory. Without the seeming triumph of sin and darkness in our life there is no new life in Christ Jesus. And while we all like to party more than we like to mourn, I think that some grief over the cost of our sin, over the suffering of our Savior, is appropriate as we approach the celebration of Easter morning.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. Take some time to stop and remember - to stop and say "thank you" - to stop and be overwhelmed by the goodness of the cross of Christ. This will be the focus of my sabbath tomorrow - revisiting the Way of Suffering of my Savior. Join me in taking some time in sober and respectful reflection. Then may your celebration be truly joyous on Sunday.

When Jesus rose from the dead, the women arrived at the tomb first on that morning. The words spoken to them that continue to strike a chord deep in my heart are these: "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?" Jesus lives indeed - inside each one of us who is called "Believer" and forevermore in victory! May the wonder of the cross and resurrection never leave us.

Josh Britt, Man of Many Talents!

One of my favorite worship leaders is Josh Britt, who serves as the Minister to Students at The Brook.  While most of you know Josh as a student minister, a great leader, and our "minister of information and offerings", a lover of baseball, the Louisville Cards and all things bling, he is also a very gifted worship leader. Before coming to The Brook he led worship AND was a student pastor. Obviously, Josh is a talented man! During my time of sabbatical, Josh is one of the worship leaders that will minister to the congregation at The Brook - and this will be such a blessing to our church family. (he has promised no rap worship music) As I considered this time of sabbatical, Josh has been one of my biggest supporters - offering encouragement and understanding. He offered immediately to share the worship leading duties. Throughout the five years I have known Josh he has consistently modeled a servant heart and a willingness to help out where needed. I know that his tender yet passionate heart for God will challenge you to worship with all of your heart!

Josh grew up in Lousville, Kentucky and is a big Cards fan. He played baseball in high school and received his B.S. in Business from Mississippi College. He is very close to completing his Master's Program with Southeastern Theological Seminary. He is married to Michelle, who is also one of our worship leaders. Josh and Michelle have two precious, yet active, twin boys, Jonathon and Nate and are expecting another boy in July.

Josh is a man after God's own heart. I've seen him make difficult decisions, walk lovingly through hard times, reach out to people in need, and care deeply for our students and our church. As he leads worship I know that you will see his heart for God and be encouraged.  The biggest gift he brings is his desire to see God glorified! Josh is passionate about the glory of God! I know God will speak to you as you worship with Josh. As I've said more than once, we are so blessed to have Josh Britt at The Brook! Thanks, Josh!

Things Learned from Unleash

Here are a few of the many things I learned from attending Unleash this past week:

1) When you travel together you learn so much about your fellow staff members - maybe too much?

2) A lack of sleep lowers our inhibitions! We giggle more and generally act sillier than normal. We have wild and weird conversations, but we are also a bit more open to one another.

3) Perry Noble is a very BLUNT preacher - he is not afraid to say what needs to be said!

Now onto the serious points - most of which were great reminders for me!

1) Elementary perhaps, but we need to make a point to SEEK GOD TOGETHER.

2) We must guard our hearts against JEALOUSY, STUBBORNNESS, FEAR, PRIDE and deal with our INSECURITY so that God can do MUCH MORE through us. Don't "what if" God.

3) Pay attention to God's word for US and move forward with passion and boldness!

4) Prepare your volunteers well - give them chances to succeed and don't be afraid to CHALLENGE them.

5) We need: more lights and new projectors and screens, a volunteer and assimilation coordinator, a technical lead for all sound, lights, staging, and video for the worship center, and the upcoming student and children's areas, and we need assistants galore! Whew!

6) We must figure out WHO WE ARE and then communicate that vision clearly and over and over and over again so we all can KNOW it and OWN it.

7) We need less announcements in the service and more reading of the bulletin and website!

8) We need to continue to be LEARNERS so that we will never stop growing personally!

9) If we are called we cannot quit. Tough words at times.

10) Have a mentor.

11) Rest and respect your limits. Minister out of the fullness of being with God and a well rested and healthy mind and body. We can't do it all - to think we can is prideful.

Can't wait til next year!

Meet Worship Leader David Smith!

This is part three in my series of blogs answering the question "Who will lead?" while I am away for my sabbatical. I would like to introduce you to my friend David Smith, who regularly fills in to lead worship for me when I have to be absent. He has been a member of Wholehearted for about 6 years now. David is a jack of all trades - he has sang tenor, lead, led worship, led our vocalists, led discussion groups, written music, and even played djembe for us! David hails from Franklin, Tennessee and is a computer engineer at his "day job". He graduated from Mississippi State University. He is married to Nancy and they have two children, Callie and Nathan. Along with the many hours David puts in with Wholehearted, he also serves as a member of our Management Team and also as a Life Group leader at The Brook. David is a busy man!

While I am away, David will continue his role as our vocal team leader and he will also lead worship several Sundays. I love to sit in when David leads worship because he has a very different perspective from me and it's just fun to hear him share his insights as he leads. David will also serve as our team "pastor" while I am away, handling emergencies and helping Sheila and Michelle if a problem should arise. As talented as David is in so many areas, the thing that most defines David is his heart for God and his heart for people. This is what I noticed about David in the first couple of years we worked together. He just genuinely cares about people and their lives. This "shepherding" gift makes him a wonderful team leader. If you are from The Brook, you will be blessed as you sit under David's tender yet humorous leadership! I know God will speak to you.

I am so thankful that God's plan for my life included the remarkable David Smith. He has been a faithful friend through the years, listening with a loving heart and always caring what is going on in my life. I am blessed to serve shoulder to shoulder with David. Thanks David!