A Worshipful Heart

I Am Limited

This is a continuation of my story of the past two years. See previous posts for more information. This is the first in a series of things that God really taught me from this period of brokenness. You might call these lessons learned the "hidden riches" of brokenness. Again, this post represents nothing more than my own experience, insight and opinions.

 

I’m sure you’re laughing at the title of this post and thinking to yourself, “I knew that!”. I always knew it of course, but it hit me very deeply as I walked through the course of these events. Since I wanted to do a good job and we were facing problems, I tried to handle every situation that came up, I felt responsible to solve each problem I encountered (and there were lots of them!) and just generally fell into the trap of thinking that if I worked long and hard enough maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. Obviously I missed that this was God's job! :) Looking back, I think that there were several things that drove me towards this thinking…

 

1)      I am (according to my husband) an overly conscientious, overly responsible person. I tend to always feel responsible for everything, whether it is mine to be responsible for or not. And I feel guilty when things go wrong or are left undone.

 

      I felt guilty a lot during this time.

 

     I had to learn that I simply cannot do everything and that it is okay to say “no”. This was quite painful for me at first. Now it is freeing.

 

2)      I am also a “fixer” – I try to make everyone happy. I hate and avoid conflict and probably try to smooth things over because of this. As you might imagine, I simply could not keep everyone happy.

 

      Another failure (in my eyes) – I felt at times that everyone was unhappy with me and since I couldn’t fix that I felt like I failed as a minister.

 

      My “breakthough” moment in this area was when I realized everyone did not like Jesus either and that He had people leave His ministry as well. (I’m not comparing myself to Jesus, just saying if He couldn’t do it, I don’t know why I thought I could) I was simply in a difficult situation with no easy answers.

 

3)      I was grieving what I had lost – a friend, yes. But more than that I felt like I had lost my church. I still served at the same address, at the same church building.

 

      But the chairs were void of so many I loved.

 

      I missed them and I grieved this loss deeply. And my grief made me afraid – afraid of losing again, of things falling apart entirely and the dream dying completely. This fear drove me to work harder and longer.

 

4)      I felt very guilty that people had left the church because I was allowed to teach. (please note it was not what I said or taught, just that I did) Others were hurt by these departures. To this day, people will talk about this time with tears in their eyes, and that makes me feel awful. (see #1) I can’t describe how it feels to unendingly have your being “allowed” to minister debated – and by those you love and are friends with.

 

      Being a point of contention is humiliating.

 

      I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I overworked to not only prove myself but also to perhaps make up for the turmoil this caused, even though I am very convinced that my teaching was a true God thing. I felt such perfect peace about it. The good news is that all of this kept me on my face before God, seeking Him with all of my heart. I read “Why Not Women?” by Loren Cunningham during this time and God spoke a very deep word to me as I prayed once again for an affirmation of my calling from God.

 

      God simply said “I’ve already told you that”.

 

      Futhermore, He showed me that while I had dealt with the issues of forgiveness for the events of my past, I had never dealt with how it made me feel about myself.  I had to face the woman in the mirror at this point and realize how I had let someone else’s disapproval mark me in such deep ways that were not pretty. These events, while very disturbing, have led me to a place of even more rock solid conviction that I am called by Christ to be a minister of the Good News.

 

Through this time I realized with fresh clarity that I can’t handle it all and I have many limits which honestly are a gift from God. They show me where to stop and rest in Him and allow HIM to act. I have physical and emotional limits, I am limited in ability and knowledge and maybe most of all, I am limited in my responsibility for others. People simply get to make their own decisions and I am not responsible for those. I realized I could never in a million years keep people happy enough that they would not walk out the door. I realized that – although I had fervently hoped otherwise – my being a woman in ministerial leadership would continue to crop up as an issue through the years. I could no longer hide from this issue and I needed to move forward and boldly obey God. As I realized my limits more and more, I actually found it quite freeing to realize I didn’t have to handle it all.

Today I thank God for these limits.

The Refiner's Fire

**This post is my experience and insights only. It does not necessarily reflect The Brook, any other leadership at The Brook, or the thoughts of any other church members. It is my testimony alone. **

 

To continue with my “testimony” I will have to share what I walked through following the death of our pastor’s wife. If you haven’t read that post, please do so here because this post will only make sense in that context. After our pastor’s wife died, I was pleased with how our church handled things. People seemed to pull together and we avoided the “hand grenade” we feared. Our fellowship did not scatter but seemed to be closer than ever. But as the months went by it was like this added stress brought to the surface many of our hidden problem areas, irritations and complaints. Over the next twelve months we were refined in a major way - and that was tough to deal with.

 

These were the biggies for me:

1)      I taught on a Sunday while our pastor was gone and it caused a huge turmoil in a small group of people. I was extremely hurt and disillusioned by comments made to me in the wake of this. This was a HUGE event in my life.

2)      We began to lose a steady stream of people from our church for a variety of reasons, ranging from those upset about #1 to people who couldn’t bear to be reminded of the suicide to who knows what else. This was the most heartbreaking thing I went through that year, losing not only friends, but ministry team members as well. That was discouraging and exhausting.

3)      I had a fairly difficult problem occur on one of my ministry teams that zapped me emotionally.

If I could sum those months up I would say that I was exhausted, still physically ill and very grief stricken but I kept trying to press ahead, take care of everybody and handle things and I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW HOW – and I felt guilty for it. In the midst of that exhaustion I experienced the events above and they just robbed me of my confidence and brought more waves of grief into my life as well. I felt responsible to help keep everything together and minister to our very hurting congregation but I also had my own grief. How does one navigate that? I still do not have the answer. I desperately wanted to help but I felt so torn at times and given the situations we went through (above) I had a new kind of pain enter my life – I felt like an utter failure as a minister and I was deeply feeling the loss of dear friends. It seemed like it would never end. Comments made by people who probably were also hurting compounded my pain. Leading worship was painful because all I could think of were those friends now missing from our fellowship.

 

It came to a big head one Sunday after church. I was supposed to go home, eat lunch, grab my suitcase and head out with the rest of staff to a “3C’s” conference with Ed Young Jr. My husband was lying on the couch watching football and I stretched out next to him and began to weep – not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs that I could not stop. I remember begging him to please let me stay home, and “don’t make me go back to church”. It was one of the lowest emotional moments of my life. I did go and I spent all of one session sitting on the floor in the back of the room just sobbing uncontrollably. I can tell you that at that moment I felt utterly broken. I felt like I would drown in the crashing waves of life – I couldn’t seem to swim out past the waves to the calm water or get on my feet to walk to shore. I feared I would drown and thoughts of quitting were never far from my mind.

 

At this point I literally felt like I came to the end of myself, I was quite literally desperate for God and I took what was – for me – a drastic step. I went to a National Pastors Retreat in Chicago. It was a big step for me because it cost a good deal of money and I didn’t know a soul there. I went and wept almost continually, but the extended time away with God was so good for me. I would say that weekend marked the beginning of a turning point in my life as God began to give me some wisdom in the midst of these difficult times. The spiritual discipline of retreat is something I am now doing each quarter and it has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. But the difficulties did not stop there and in fact the next 12 months were also very painful – our pastor resigned suddenly and I again felt such a huge wave of grief. But in the midst of the brokenness God was teaching me some beautiful lessons. I’ll expand on each of these individually in later blogs but here is the short list:

1)      I am limited - I cannot take care of everyone and I am not responsible for everything.

2)      I need to take care of myself.

3)      I need to rest in God’s all sufficient love for me.

4)      Grief will not be denied.

5)      I needed to ask for what I need.

6)      The most important thing I could give anyone was a healthy me.

Eventually God would begin to show me that there are hidden riches in the broken, desperate places and times of our lives. Although this was a terribly painful time in my life I can honestly say I would not trade it. I have learned so much and am hopefully wiser and more compassionate as a result. I’ve had good friends look at me in the midst of this and say “Will things ever be the same?”. I always answer honestly, “No.” To be honest, I am thankful that I will never be the same again. I am not thankful for the trials but I am thankful for the deep work God has done in my life throughout this time.

Things I'm Learning

I wanted to quickly share with you all a couple of things God really led me to deal with on this trip. For those of you who know me, you know I've struggled to learn to relax. (that's an oxymoronic statement, huh?) I've tended to fill each day up, constantly referring to my "to do" list, and worried about all the things and people I had to keep organized - I just could not seem to turn my brain off. In the last few months, God has been leading me to relax a bit more, showing me how I need to rest in Him more and more and to trust HIM to act as well. As I was flying over to Kauai this time, I was reading a book and the author talked about "honoring the sacredness of this present moment" - in other words, paying attention to the gift of NOW and being fully present in IT, instead of living in regret for the past or anxiety for the future. For a worrier like myself, this was a challenging statement to consider, but I felt led by God to really take this to heart while I was away with Phil. Given what all I've been working through, the past and the future are ALWAYS on my mind, so this was a struggle for me. Whenever I was tempted to make a list, or worry about a future struggle, or even to remember a painful relationship, I remembered that God had given me the gift of that moment and I was going to be thankful and honor it, enjoying all God was giving me and doing in me RIGHT THEN - the warm drowziness of sleep, the beauty of the sun shining on the water, the joy of being with Phil. In doing this I found myself more aware of the blessings of God, the wonder of being with Him, and the beauty of His creation. In this way I didn't allow regret, worry and anxiety rob me of the joy of life! I also gave Phil a gift by doing this - I was truly with him, my thoughts were not elsewhere and distracted. I gave him the gift of my full attention - and it was wonderful.

Another funny thing God spoke to me about is somewhat related. All of you ladies can relate to this - when you are 42 years old and go to the beach with many younger women around it's hard not to absolutely obsess about all of your physical flaws. There was one moment I thought, "I wish I had at least ENJOYED being thin and fit and young!".  I felt embarassed alot of times and worried about how I looked. God really brought me up short on this train of thought as well, so I spent time thanking God that my body is strong and healthy. No it's not perfect and aging really is humiliating, but it's a fact! Just like I don't want to let being ill keep me from living fully, I also do not want to let my own low self esteem or a lack of confidence keep me from experiencing all of the riches of this one life I have to live. So I jumped in the water with my boogie board and adopted an "I don't care" attitude. I was thankful for the opportunity and I didn't know anyone anyway! This was just another way I had to learn to relax, let go, focus on thankfulness and the present moment. And a great blessing of this was that I got to swim with the turtles! That wouldn't have happened if I had stayed on shore!

To further my journy into relaxing, today Phil and I bought a Wii! I'm gonna have to practice up......

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

Invitation

I had planned to write about leading worship following my friend's death but I'm not quite up to that tonight. It's still quite an emotional topic for me. So I thought I would share something else. I wrote the other day that my retreat this past time was centered around the spiritual discipline of self-examination, or asking God to show us where in our lives, motivations and attitudes, thoughts, and of course, actions are simply "unlike Christ". As I prayed about this during my quiet time the morning prior to my retreat beginning I wrote a song as a prayer. It's not recorded yet, but here are the lyrics:

Invitation

(verse)

Create in me a heart that's pleasing to you

Come know me inside and out

Give me courage to pray, "here I am, have your way"

But I tremble before you now...

(chorus)

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

When there are simply no words left to pray

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

Transform all that I am in the light of your grace

(Bridge)

Invade all I am, come and see all of me

Help me rest in your love as your truth sets me free

Strip away the illusions and open my eyes

But never let me go, never let me go.....

I hope you can see my heart as well as my honest hesitancy as I wrote this prayer to God in the form of a song......maybe one day I'll record it, but for now I'm using it as a prayer and just singing it for my own self.

Thoughts on Being a Woman in Ministry

**Once again, this posting is a part of my testimony. This post in particular may be difficult for some of you to read without pouncing on the keys to debate with me. Please don't. As I have stated before, this is my own experience and testimony and I hope you will allow God to speak to you through what He has done in my life. Read prayerfully and to understand. Also, these are my own thoughts, I do not write them to represent The Brook in any way.**

I’ve thought a lot about how this experience of being a woman in ministry leadership has shaped me. It has been a difficult road for me at times. Thankfully not at this present time, but at times it has been a very confusing and painful place to live. I mentioned in an earlier post that when others – particularly pastors – said that I should not lead worship because I was woman, it was very spiritually confusing to me. It implied that what I was doing was wrong and if it was wrong, then it was in fact a sin and that thought broke my heart. That is a heavy thing to say to someone. Add to that the fact that I felt such a clear sense of calling and purpose and knew in the deepest places of my heart that God had designed me to do this and I was one confused woman at times. This confusion and absolute terror that I was doing something that was displeasing to God drove me to examine my own heart, motivations and desires and to get on my face and seek God. I dove into the Word and prayed and came to a place of true peace with being called into ministry. I don’t doubt this anymore. In fact the calling of God is something I cannot escape. I have – in bad moments – tried. The truth of the matter is that I know with almost as much certainty as I know my own name that God has called me. His voice has been so clear and I thank Him for that.

Through the years, though, there have been others that have not been as accepting and understanding of my role in ministry. For the most part I have been loved, accepted and respected and I am thankfulf for every friend and voice of encouragement along the way, but there have been notable exceptions. Many hateful things have been said to me as people voiced their disagreement. At times I have been deeply wounded and wondered if I would ever actually be able to fully use my gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. I am hopeful that those of us who “break the mold” a bit in our own setting pave the way for change in our church culture at large.

I could share forever on this topic but I wanted – as a part of my testimony – to confine this post to sharing some of my feelings over the years, some of the unique pains and some of my observations as well. Remember, I am sharing my own experiences and how God worked in my life as a result. No argumentative comments debating women in ministry please! Read to learn, understand and gain compassion please. I believe God will speak to you if you allow that. Although this list may sound really negative, God has used each one of these things to teach me.

1)      I have been most hurt not by those that simply disagree with me, but by those that equate being a woman in ministry with a sin, such as being a homosexual. That correlation has been drawn more than once as I have talked to people. Derogatory terms have been used in my presence – and by people I don’t even know or have just met! This equating of being a woman serving in ministry to an obvious act of sinful behavior has wounded me deeply because my first desire is to obey and honor God. I believe it must wound God’s heart as well – because He created all of the women in the world – and He did it in His image.

2)      I am further appalled that those who profess to both love and know Christ have been so very hateful in the name of God in defending their position. There is something very wrong about that. I find it amazing that in judging what they perceive to be a sin in another’s life, they themselves are very willing to act in sinful and ungodly ways.

3)      Whenever an issue would arise that revolved around my role in ministry it chipped away at my heart a little bit more. It's hard to be the source of contention simply because of your gender. It is – all at once – embarrassing, humiliating and guilt-producing. Please don’t take that as an admission of guilt. Women are notorious for carrying “false guilt”. Whenever someone got upset and went into see the pastor about my role, I felt horrible about it. I wondered if I should quit just to make peace. It’s a terrible feeling and I wanted so badly for someone to look at my heart, not at my gender.

4)      I have struggled with feeling like I am “almost a minister” – willingly used but for many years never truly affirmed. Titles and responsibilities have been questioned and argued, my ordination was a source of great concern for some, my being allowed to teach was debated by many. In many ways I felt as if I was not truly a minister, except in my heart - and I longed to be used by God.  I did not feel legitimized by the church (huge point here) and this left me feeling confused, used, resentful and hungry to know that what I did really mattered for eternity.    

5)      Because I so desperately longed to prove that I could do my job and because I was so fearful of being replaced, I became a workaholic. I let other’s view of my life shape me far too much. I admit that this was wrong. I am by nature a people pleaser and I hate conflict and I so desperately desired affirmation in my role that I overworked and cared far too much what others thought. This is an area of my life where God has been working overtime!

6)      One of my very best guy friends told me once, “Jan, just by doing your job you force people to face their own prejudice and preconceived ideas– and that is never easy or fun.” Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it.

7) I worried for many years because I do not lead like most men I know. At first I saw this as a lacking on my part, but now I see that I just approach things from a different perspective and in my own personal manner. I have learned that my "femaleness" has uniquely positive things to offer in leadership. I am now happy being myself as I do my job!

8) I carried a chip on my shoulder for quite a while and had to repent of that. I am getting a glimpse of God's heart for us - true unity and community and loving respect. What a great model for the world that does not know Jesus!

There is so much more that I could share but I must stop here for now. I pray that as you read you will seek to understand this pain and how God has used it in my life to grow me, strengthen me, challenge me, stretch me and help me gain the wisdom I need. I do want to say that I love serving at The Brook. I am treated with the utmost respect and care. I thank God that I serve at a church where we are all honored because Christ is in us all and “therefore there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28) I am deeply grateful for this gift. Through these precious friends the love of Christ has healed me in deep ways. Thank you, my church family, for being patient with me on this journey.

Can God Use Even Me? My Testimony Part 2

**Once again, just want to encourage you to read my testimony with an open heart. I don't want us to get sidetracked with debates over issues so please keep your comments positive and on topic. I hope God speaks to you through my story.**

If you want to listen to what I shared in church on Sunday, just go here and click on the audio for "The Struggle to Rest". My part starts at about 39 minutes. I also wanted to share a few pictures from my Sending Service. My post for today is below!

                                                            

(Continued from yesterday)

Well, not long after this our little church plant voted to close it’s doors. We weren’t growing and had been in existence almost 4 years. We were a part of the 80% of church plants that simply do not make it. The day after we voted to do this, a friend called Phil and asked him how much they would have to pay me to come lead worship at a new church plant being planned for the Madison area. Phil told him to double my salary and we’d come. (I wasn’t being paid so this wasn’t hard!) Although Phil was eager to jump on board, I was not so eager. At this point in time I didn’t really trust pastors. There, I’ve said it. I had a very poor opinion of senior pastors and was terrified of entering ministry again, particularly in a church plant. I’d been there, done that, got the badge, tshirt and plaque. “No thank you” was my first reply. I had had my fill of leading worship then running back and keeping the nursery, then running back to lead worship again. I knew what it was like to try to run a ministry on no money at all or if money was needed, it had to come out of my own pocket. I had no confidence it would work out and I was exhausted and tired. I didn’t want to start all over again. I was afraid of being hurt again. For the first time in my life I WANTED to go join a church and sit quietly on the back pew. I had been burned and didn’t want to venture anywhere near that source of pain. And honestly, I’d lost confidence in myself as well. I thought if I was their only option they must be really bad off! But as Phil and I began to pray about it I began to see that this invitation was not simply from a long time friend but from the heart of God Himself. I finally said a very scared and timid “yes” to God and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. Even though I wanted to, I could not sit on the sidelines in fear forever because I could not deny God’s calling on my life. I couldn’t ignore the thunder of God’s calling to my heart. And as I responded in obedience God took me on a journey that is still not completed – a journey of healing, of stretching and growing me in ways I never could have imagined, of learning to trust again and perhaps most importantly, of seeing how He designed me for His purposes. When we started The Brook (formerly Willowbrook West Worship Center – yes it’s a mouthful and I don’t know what we were thinking!) our praise team consisted of one guitar and about four pretty terrified vocalists. And then there was me. I was absolutely petrified of failing again, of any man who could sing or play guitar walking through the door and replacing me. My confidence was shot and I was struggling to trust again and that was a fun dynamic to bring to the group. And have I mentioned I STILL had no idea what I was doing? I felt like someone launched me on this wild roller coaster ride and I couldn’t catch my breath. But amazingly enough God moved in a remarkable way. In spite of us, in spite of my own inexperience and fear, God used us. The only experience that has stretched me more than the last ten years in ministry is becoming a mother. Wow! The learning curve was quite steep and I was constantly challenged to move to new levels and learn new skills. Now I laugh and say I’m no longer nervous leading worship because I have simply made every mistake you can possibly make and lived to tell about it so there is nothing left to fear. But through it all I’ve grown. I think I’ve grown more into the woman God desires me to be as I’ve clung tightly to Him because I surely did not have the talent and ability to do it on my own – I hope I’ve matured and developed and grown as a servant leader and minister. I know I am more confident of my calling, and maybe most importantly, I know more of what I don’t know. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? You know, I’ve always sort of mourned that I don’t have a dynamic personality or a spectacular voice. I’ve regretted that I’m not really good at playing any instrument except shaker and tambourine. (that was a joke) I’ve felt woefully inadequate every single day (possibly every hour) I’ve served God as a minister. I’ve wondered at times what in the world God was thinking when He asked me to do this thing. Surely there is someone more capable, exciting, anointed, experienced and talented! At times I’ve thought my only real abilities were writing notes and taking care of people and making cookies. These hardly seemed to be the ingredients for the making of a mighty woman of God in my mind. Why did God call me to ministry? I honestly do not know. I only know He did. I’m trusting Him to use me as He sees fit. Thankfully the Bible is full of people just like me! Perhaps my lack of overwhelming natural talent has kept me humbly seeking Him. Perhaps He uses even my lack. That is a comforting thought to me.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing some about being a woman in ministry leadership. I think this thing is going to take longer than a week but I hope you'll stay with me and continue to read!

God, Are You Sure You Meant ME?

**This is my testimony. I hope you will read it with an open and loving heart. Please understand that as I write I am not interested in a debate over theological issues, ministry issues, or anything else so please refrain from those types of comments. This blog in particular touches on the issue of women in leadership and I ask that this issue not be debated here at this time. I am simply sharing my story and what God has taught me as I have walked through life. I pray that God will touch your heart somehow and that you will find a connection to your own journey with Christ. Read to learn and understand and grow together.**

I promised you I would unpack my testimony a bit more this week but I'm going to dive right into when I first started leading worship. If you have never read my "birth story" about how I came to know Christ and was called to ministry it's already posted on my blog and you can read it here. That should give you the background you need for this next part of my story. This part of my story begins 14 years ago, so it's a bit of a rewind.

When I was about 28 years old Phil and I began to look for a new church. This was in about 1994 I think. This was very painful for me. I had left friends and I was grieving this change in my life. I had served blissfully on our praise team for eight years and enjoyed my role on the back row of the stage. I didn’t long for anything more as a vocalist. I loved singing BGVs and considered it a privilege to sing at all. Can I say that at this point in my life becoming a worship leader had NEVER entered my mind?! During this time, I wondered if we would end up in a bigger church and I could not imagine tapping the worship leader on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, by the way, I sing. Would you let me sing with you?” I just thought that perhaps I would sit quietly in the pews for this next era of my life and Phil even jokingly said, “You can sing for me and the kids!”. (This didn’t make me feel better by the way) At this point I honestly thought I would never sing again. When I look back at myself at that time I just laugh. I had such a limited view not only of God but of life in general. I wanted to use this passion of mine for God’s glory and I connect with God in a very deep way when I worship Him. I couldn’t imagine NEVER using my voice for Him again. Well, we searched and searched, trying to find a church. We finally settled on a little church that was just starting out. This was the first time I had ever heard of a “church plant”. We were excited although there were maybe just 20 people there. We thought we had found what we most wanted and were excited to be a part of this new beginning. I had determined that I would NOT tell anyone I was a vocalist. If God wanted me to sing, He would bring it to pass was my logic here. (I didn’t say it was GOOD logic, but this was my thought process) Well, God intervened through my husband Phil and before long I was asked to lead worship at this little church plant that was meeting in a Seventh Day Adventist school. I will just stop right here and tell you – I had no idea what I was doing. None. Whatsoever. At all. And all of you “real” worship leaders out there that lead from an instrument will laugh at this – I led worship to tracks! And yes, it was awful. Just me, a tape player and Phil on the sound board. I shudder when I think about it. While I play both piano and guitar I don’t play either one well enough to be confident in leading while playing. (Besides I like to walk around and raise my hands too much!) But even though it was awful in some ways and even though I thought I might truly hurl all over the front row the first time I led, it was a profound moment for me. I felt God’s pleasure in a very strong way as I led worship, even in these less than perfect circumstances. I didn’t have any training or experience as a leader, I had no team, I had no mentor but what I did have was a white hot passion to see others engage with God and worship Him. You see, that is how God had been working in my life. I can only vaguely remember a handful of sermons that I have ever heard, but I can remember God speaking to me over and over during worship very vividly. I was a passionate worshiper and was learning so much as I worshiped God – I longed to see this happen in other’s lives as well. My method of leading at that time – if it can be called that – was simply to worship and encounter God and hope others would come along for the party. Over the next three years our “team” grew to include a couple of musicians and a few vocalists. We did simple songs, had no budget, and used an overhead projector. There were no bells and whistles. But we had a great time and we enjoyed one another and began to grow as worshipers as well. I thought God was at work and I was thrilled to be along for the ride.

One day it all seemed to crumble for me - I hit a wall in ministry that had never entered my thoughts: our church leadership made the decision that a woman could not hold this position of leadership. So I had to step down. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words. Our church was never told the truth – only that I was “taking a break” – and that hurt even more. I was faced with some difficult decisions and my entire team threatened to leave the church if I didn’t stay on the team as a member. I felt very alone as I wrestled and struggled because I was so embarrassed that I never really spoke to anyone about it. I struggled with being sure of my calling. I struggled to know if I could, in fact, even discern God’s voice at all. I had thought I had heard God’s voice so clearly, but if this group of men was correct then I had been really deluded! I felt God’s pleasure in such a deep way as I led worship so if it was unbiblical for me to do so, then what did those feelings and leadings mean? Was I just crazy? I struggled to believe my pastor. What if there really was some other reason? What if this was just an excuse and I really just wasn’t good enough? I struggled with my attitude and to keep a pure heart before God. I wanted desperately to submit to my pastor and remain in worship ministry but inside I struggled with painful wounds and anger and resentment. I struggled mightily to forgive. And I would struggle for at least 10 years with how this impacted the way I see myself.

In some ways I felt as if this was a test and my response was hugely important. I can remember God saying “Jan, I don’t hold you responsible for what someone does to you, but you are responsible for your own response to them.” As I prayed I can remember hearing God say “There are better things to come”. (I couldn’t even envision what that might mean, but I just kept trying to follow God.) So I waited, and I submitted – not perfectly, but with great effort – and God was with me all during that struggle. I dealt with some aspects of it more easily than others and the impact of this event on my life has been huge, but God faithfully led me through every area of this wondering, struggling, wrestling and questioning. This was a moment of refinement for me, a chance to truly seek God about my calling from Him, to dig into His word and be sure of what I believe and it was a bit of a taste of some things I would encounter eventually as a vocational minister. Looking back I clearly see God’s hand in this situation. Although I felt like it, I was never truly alone. This was preparation for the next phase of my life in ministry. God used this time and these events in my life in ways I could have never dreamed or imagined. I'll share more later on how I feel God used this for good.

Tomorrow...Chapter 2 - We get the call from The Brook! Stay Tuned!

Feelin' the Love!

Well to say that I feel overwhelmingly loved is an understatement. I have felt surrounded by prayers and the love of my church family this past week. Precious friends have written me cards, which I love and read over and over. I am going to post them on the wall during this time of sabbatical so I can see them and be reminded in a concrete way of the love and prayers of my church family and friends. Friday night the praise team gathered at the home of my sweet friends, Robert and Christie Ross. We had chocolate desserts and a meaningful time of worship led by my co-worker, dear friend and trailer mate :), Josh Britt. There is not a more beautiful sound than the sound of praise to God and it is even more precious when I hear the voices of those I love and live life with. With Christie singing on one side of me and Phil holding my handing and singing on the other it was a touching moment for me. Afterwards I was taken to a side room and my friends and teammates all came in one by one and prayed over me. I can't describe what this was like for me. It was simply beautiful and touched me in the deepest part of my heart. We sat and wept together and as I heard their words of love, thanksgiving, and their intercessions for me, I just felt covered by love. It was very healing for me and I thank God for those peaceful moments and loving prayers. A big thank you to Stacy, Christie, Robert and Josh for planning this for me.

This morning was my "Sending Service(s)" at church and I woke up rather early with butterflies in my stomach and last minute anxieties that I am prone to. I was looking forward to today but I was also a bit nervous and weepy. I was a little concerned about sharing my story so openly. There was a very bittersweet feeling to the entire morning for me because I will miss my church family. However, I do feel like God moved in a deep way. Our times of worship together were sweet. People seemed to really engage with God. My in-laws and my parents both came to share the day with me and some old friends came and joined us to see me off on this adventure of sabbatical. Once again I felt surrounded by love. As I shared my story, people were attentive and I could see that they could identify with aspects of my journey and struggles. As I shared my own grief and struggle through pain and need to rest, I could see that resonate with people. I watched as people who I know have gone through very tough times sat and nodded their heads, cried many tears, and with a look we said to one another, "I understand."

Then I had the most beautiful moments of the whole morning. In each service 4 very dear friends were asked to pray over me and to affirm me. This was such a precious surprise for me and I couldn't have asked for anything more meaningful to me. Some were members of my team, some were friends in our church that I have walked with for many years, and some were new friends that God is using in my life as well. They all encouraged me in the Lord, spoke such sweet and kind words about me, and prayed God's word over me. This is a gift I will cherish and carry with me the rest of my life because it is truly an eternal gift that touched my soul. Thank you Stacy, Linda, Ray, Wendel, Dean, Mark and Cheryl for this gift from your heart to mine.

As I lined up to say goodbye to friends I thought how wonderful it was to have this moment to look back on. I will carry these memories with me and as I travel and as I seek God, these dear friends will go with me in spirit through their prayers and love. Today I felt the nearness and physical presence of Christ in the touch of my brothers and sisters. To my family at The Brook - thank you for ministering to me. God used you to surround me with "tender mercies and loving kindness". (Psalm 103)

Tonight I feel one overwhelming emotion - I am thankful that I am loved. 

**Keep reading! I'll be sharing each day a segment of my testimony and elaborating a bit more than I was able to this morning! Comment to let me know you're keeping up!**

Sending Service on Sunday and Prayer Requests

Hey, check out this video - I finally made it on youtube thanks to the camera work and skills of the great Josh! I hope that if you are in the Madison area this Sunday, April 20th you'll join us at The Brook. Watch for more details, then read on for some special prayer requests.

This Sunday promises to be a meaningful time for not only myself, but also for our church family. I hope to see you there!

As I prepare for this time of sabbatical here are a few specific ways you can pray for me:

Please pray that this three month period will be a time of great rest and healing for me and that I will return to ministry filled with the strength and fullness of Christ. Specific prayer requests include:

1)      That I will be able to reconnect in a meaningful way with my family and close friends.

2)      That I will learn from God! I am reminded of the story of Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus learning and worshiping and not “doing”, but “being”. Pray that I will clearly hear the voice of the Lord during this time in my life.

3)      That I will set appropriate boundaries so that I can live in a more healthy manner when I re-enter ministry in August.

4)      Pray that I will learn more about who I am in Christ Jesus and how He has created me for His glorious purposes. I want to be used by God as HE desires.

5)   Pray for healing from past wounds and for the gaining of wisdom as I process the past.

I invite you to read my blog next week as I unpack my testimony of the past two years in more detail than is possible on a Sunday morning. I look forward to sharing with you and hope that you will find it inspiring to you in your journey with Christ as well.