A Worshipful Heart

Who is Influencing You?

God sends people into our lives in His own timing to help us grow, to challenge us, to teach us, to speak into our lives and to help us journey with God. Most of the time these people are involved in our way in a personal way but sometimes their influence comes through teachings and books. I've even met some great new friends in the blogosphere and have been led by God to think from some different angles because of their writing. God uses these people's wisdom, insight and experience to help us grow and learn and even become more like Christ. As John Donne said, "No man is an island" - and we all grow together.

Through the years I've been influenced by coaches, pastors, friends, authors, songwriters, teachers, other leaders and of course my family.

So who has influenced you and taught you and encouraged you on your journey with Christ?

Who Inspires You?

Life is made richer by our relationships with one another. At many pivotal moments in our life, we are influenced in positive ways by others - through their life, their words, personal interaction or even just observation. Tonight the question is "Who Inspires You?". Maybe it's someone you know, or just someone whose work has touched you in some way. I'd love to hear who those special people are in your life.

I have been - and continue to be - inspired by many different people for many different reasons. Last night I was inspired by David Crowder to be more creative and to think outside the box in some new ways. I am constantly inspired by my children to live a life that points them to a relationship with Jesus. The list could go on and on. This year - and in a fresh way tonight - I have been inspired by my friend, Cathy Gireth. (read her story) She is a recent amputee who went through a very horrible illness yet her spirit is always inspiring.

Tonight Was A Good Night

Tonight was a good night. My youngest child, Daniel, will turn 17 years old (gasp!) next Tuesday and we took tonight as a chance to celebrate. Phil went with us to Red Lobster to eat dinner (Daniel's choice for shrimp) then Daniel and I headed over to the David Crowder concert. We ended the night at Kenny Mango's, a neighborhood coffeehouse, and had lots of great discussion along the way. It was a good night and I thank God for the chance to spend some true quality time with my son. As much as I enjoyed being with Daniel, that's really not what tonight's post is about - it's just the frame that the picture is in.

Since I have been on sabbatical I have experienced "church" in some different ways and in some different places - from retreat centers, to an outdoor church in Kauai, to my upstairs "sacred space" to a neighboring church to - tonight - a David Crowder concert. I am old enough to remember when people were totally shocked by a Petra concert at Huntsville High School in 1983 (I was thrilled beyond words) and to remember when Christians were less expressive, shall we say, in their worship. Raising your hands meant you were "one of those holy rollers". And dancing? No way! Because I can remember the "before", I am much more appreciative of the "after". Tonight we went to a Crowder concert at Huntsville First Baptist, a fairly traditional and formal church. The place was filled with people from all different denominations, and of all ages, worshiping God freely and loudly.

What Would You Say?

I had a funny conversation yesterday morning. This conversation began after I mentioned that last Sunday I had visited the church this man attends. He asked about The Brook and the conversation moved on to our families, his desire to find the right woman and marry and then on to what it was like for me to be a minister.  It was good to connect to another part of the Body of Christ - we do tend to talk mainly to those we fellowship weekly with. But in this conversation, after I mentioned that Phil and I had just celebrated our 24th anniversary, he asked me what has to be the oddest question anyone has ever asked me about being a minister. I've had odd ones before, but this one just hit me in the strangest way. Here's the latter part of our conversation - remember that it was me (a 42 year old woman married to the same man for 24 years) and a younger, single male (maybe around 35 and never married) - but both believers. This is the gist of what was said during the "strange" part.

Guy: So is it strange being a woman in ministry? I mean isn't it hard?

Me: In what way?

Guy: Well, don't you get hit on alot? (in case you're wondering this was the strange question)

Me: Mmmm....no.....uh.....not ever that I am aware of. (envision a very awkward pause here) 

Guy: Don't you work with alot of men and counsel them alot?

Me: Well, I work with guys but I never counsel them alone. Or ride with them alone. Or meet with them alone. My husband doesn't spend time alone with other women either. We try to protect our marriage and respect the marriages and spouses of others.

Guy: I would think guys would really hit on a woman pastor. (really??? I thought in disbelief)

Me: Well, uhhhh....not in my case. (is this a phenomenom I am unaware of? Somebody fill me in.)

Guy: Well, how do you do it?

Me: what?

Guy: How have you stayed married - apparently happily - for 24 years with you in ministry and your husband traveling. I mean weren't you ever tempted? What's kept you together?

Me: I cannot speak for my husband but for me I can only say that I've met alot of men and I'd rather be with my husband than anyone I've ever met. He's my best friend. We protect our marriage too and just try not to entertain thoughts of others. You just can't go there. Sometimes it's easier than at others.

Guy: I don't understand.

Me: Weeeelllll, it's about more than thinking someone's hot or fine or whatever, it's about loving being with them and we love to be together. I married my best friend. You have to be content with who you have and spend time with them enjoying each other so you aren't tempted to be with others.

Guy: So what do you think makes a good marriage? What advice would you give to me as I look for a wife:

Me: Quit looking for women just where ever because they're good looking and look for someone who genuinely loves Christ. (per some previous convo) Your marriage has to be based on this foundation that you both share. Marriage is difficult enough without marrying someone who doesn't believe like you do. And what's on the inside that lasts and that you have to live with ultimately. Looks fade you know.

Guy: You don't understand - I can't find a woman who loves God like I do. (nice excuse for just going after the bod in my opinion)

Me: Well, I'm telling you that this is really, really important.

Guy: What else?

Me: Like I said, you have to protect your marriage, your thoughts, your love. Spend time together, serve God together and marry your best friend. Don't marry someone you don't enjoy hanging out with. Marriage is more than just getting to have sex sanctioned by God.

Guy: oh (very disappointed sigh and face here)

So what would you have said if he asked you? The marriage part I mean.....unless you've been hit on alot and want to share. :) You just never know where a "chance" conversation will take you! Heads up!

I Am Limited

This is a continuation of my story of the past two years. See previous posts for more information. This is the first in a series of things that God really taught me from this period of brokenness. You might call these lessons learned the "hidden riches" of brokenness. Again, this post represents nothing more than my own experience, insight and opinions.

 

I’m sure you’re laughing at the title of this post and thinking to yourself, “I knew that!”. I always knew it of course, but it hit me very deeply as I walked through the course of these events. Since I wanted to do a good job and we were facing problems, I tried to handle every situation that came up, I felt responsible to solve each problem I encountered (and there were lots of them!) and just generally fell into the trap of thinking that if I worked long and hard enough maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. Obviously I missed that this was God's job! :) Looking back, I think that there were several things that drove me towards this thinking…

 

1)      I am (according to my husband) an overly conscientious, overly responsible person. I tend to always feel responsible for everything, whether it is mine to be responsible for or not. And I feel guilty when things go wrong or are left undone.

 

      I felt guilty a lot during this time.

 

     I had to learn that I simply cannot do everything and that it is okay to say “no”. This was quite painful for me at first. Now it is freeing.

 

2)      I am also a “fixer” – I try to make everyone happy. I hate and avoid conflict and probably try to smooth things over because of this. As you might imagine, I simply could not keep everyone happy.

 

      Another failure (in my eyes) – I felt at times that everyone was unhappy with me and since I couldn’t fix that I felt like I failed as a minister.

 

      My “breakthough” moment in this area was when I realized everyone did not like Jesus either and that He had people leave His ministry as well. (I’m not comparing myself to Jesus, just saying if He couldn’t do it, I don’t know why I thought I could) I was simply in a difficult situation with no easy answers.

 

3)      I was grieving what I had lost – a friend, yes. But more than that I felt like I had lost my church. I still served at the same address, at the same church building.

 

      But the chairs were void of so many I loved.

 

      I missed them and I grieved this loss deeply. And my grief made me afraid – afraid of losing again, of things falling apart entirely and the dream dying completely. This fear drove me to work harder and longer.

 

4)      I felt very guilty that people had left the church because I was allowed to teach. (please note it was not what I said or taught, just that I did) Others were hurt by these departures. To this day, people will talk about this time with tears in their eyes, and that makes me feel awful. (see #1) I can’t describe how it feels to unendingly have your being “allowed” to minister debated – and by those you love and are friends with.

 

      Being a point of contention is humiliating.

 

      I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I overworked to not only prove myself but also to perhaps make up for the turmoil this caused, even though I am very convinced that my teaching was a true God thing. I felt such perfect peace about it. The good news is that all of this kept me on my face before God, seeking Him with all of my heart. I read “Why Not Women?” by Loren Cunningham during this time and God spoke a very deep word to me as I prayed once again for an affirmation of my calling from God.

 

      God simply said “I’ve already told you that”.

 

      Futhermore, He showed me that while I had dealt with the issues of forgiveness for the events of my past, I had never dealt with how it made me feel about myself.  I had to face the woman in the mirror at this point and realize how I had let someone else’s disapproval mark me in such deep ways that were not pretty. These events, while very disturbing, have led me to a place of even more rock solid conviction that I am called by Christ to be a minister of the Good News.

 

Through this time I realized with fresh clarity that I can’t handle it all and I have many limits which honestly are a gift from God. They show me where to stop and rest in Him and allow HIM to act. I have physical and emotional limits, I am limited in ability and knowledge and maybe most of all, I am limited in my responsibility for others. People simply get to make their own decisions and I am not responsible for those. I realized I could never in a million years keep people happy enough that they would not walk out the door. I realized that – although I had fervently hoped otherwise – my being a woman in ministerial leadership would continue to crop up as an issue through the years. I could no longer hide from this issue and I needed to move forward and boldly obey God. As I realized my limits more and more, I actually found it quite freeing to realize I didn’t have to handle it all.

Today I thank God for these limits.

The Refiner's Fire

**This post is my experience and insights only. It does not necessarily reflect The Brook, any other leadership at The Brook, or the thoughts of any other church members. It is my testimony alone. **

 

To continue with my “testimony” I will have to share what I walked through following the death of our pastor’s wife. If you haven’t read that post, please do so here because this post will only make sense in that context. After our pastor’s wife died, I was pleased with how our church handled things. People seemed to pull together and we avoided the “hand grenade” we feared. Our fellowship did not scatter but seemed to be closer than ever. But as the months went by it was like this added stress brought to the surface many of our hidden problem areas, irritations and complaints. Over the next twelve months we were refined in a major way - and that was tough to deal with.

 

These were the biggies for me:

1)      I taught on a Sunday while our pastor was gone and it caused a huge turmoil in a small group of people. I was extremely hurt and disillusioned by comments made to me in the wake of this. This was a HUGE event in my life.

2)      We began to lose a steady stream of people from our church for a variety of reasons, ranging from those upset about #1 to people who couldn’t bear to be reminded of the suicide to who knows what else. This was the most heartbreaking thing I went through that year, losing not only friends, but ministry team members as well. That was discouraging and exhausting.

3)      I had a fairly difficult problem occur on one of my ministry teams that zapped me emotionally.

If I could sum those months up I would say that I was exhausted, still physically ill and very grief stricken but I kept trying to press ahead, take care of everybody and handle things and I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW HOW – and I felt guilty for it. In the midst of that exhaustion I experienced the events above and they just robbed me of my confidence and brought more waves of grief into my life as well. I felt responsible to help keep everything together and minister to our very hurting congregation but I also had my own grief. How does one navigate that? I still do not have the answer. I desperately wanted to help but I felt so torn at times and given the situations we went through (above) I had a new kind of pain enter my life – I felt like an utter failure as a minister and I was deeply feeling the loss of dear friends. It seemed like it would never end. Comments made by people who probably were also hurting compounded my pain. Leading worship was painful because all I could think of were those friends now missing from our fellowship.

 

It came to a big head one Sunday after church. I was supposed to go home, eat lunch, grab my suitcase and head out with the rest of staff to a “3C’s” conference with Ed Young Jr. My husband was lying on the couch watching football and I stretched out next to him and began to weep – not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs that I could not stop. I remember begging him to please let me stay home, and “don’t make me go back to church”. It was one of the lowest emotional moments of my life. I did go and I spent all of one session sitting on the floor in the back of the room just sobbing uncontrollably. I can tell you that at that moment I felt utterly broken. I felt like I would drown in the crashing waves of life – I couldn’t seem to swim out past the waves to the calm water or get on my feet to walk to shore. I feared I would drown and thoughts of quitting were never far from my mind.

 

At this point I literally felt like I came to the end of myself, I was quite literally desperate for God and I took what was – for me – a drastic step. I went to a National Pastors Retreat in Chicago. It was a big step for me because it cost a good deal of money and I didn’t know a soul there. I went and wept almost continually, but the extended time away with God was so good for me. I would say that weekend marked the beginning of a turning point in my life as God began to give me some wisdom in the midst of these difficult times. The spiritual discipline of retreat is something I am now doing each quarter and it has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. But the difficulties did not stop there and in fact the next 12 months were also very painful – our pastor resigned suddenly and I again felt such a huge wave of grief. But in the midst of the brokenness God was teaching me some beautiful lessons. I’ll expand on each of these individually in later blogs but here is the short list:

1)      I am limited - I cannot take care of everyone and I am not responsible for everything.

2)      I need to take care of myself.

3)      I need to rest in God’s all sufficient love for me.

4)      Grief will not be denied.

5)      I needed to ask for what I need.

6)      The most important thing I could give anyone was a healthy me.

Eventually God would begin to show me that there are hidden riches in the broken, desperate places and times of our lives. Although this was a terribly painful time in my life I can honestly say I would not trade it. I have learned so much and am hopefully wiser and more compassionate as a result. I’ve had good friends look at me in the midst of this and say “Will things ever be the same?”. I always answer honestly, “No.” To be honest, I am thankful that I will never be the same again. I am not thankful for the trials but I am thankful for the deep work God has done in my life throughout this time.

Things I'm Learning

I wanted to quickly share with you all a couple of things God really led me to deal with on this trip. For those of you who know me, you know I've struggled to learn to relax. (that's an oxymoronic statement, huh?) I've tended to fill each day up, constantly referring to my "to do" list, and worried about all the things and people I had to keep organized - I just could not seem to turn my brain off. In the last few months, God has been leading me to relax a bit more, showing me how I need to rest in Him more and more and to trust HIM to act as well. As I was flying over to Kauai this time, I was reading a book and the author talked about "honoring the sacredness of this present moment" - in other words, paying attention to the gift of NOW and being fully present in IT, instead of living in regret for the past or anxiety for the future. For a worrier like myself, this was a challenging statement to consider, but I felt led by God to really take this to heart while I was away with Phil. Given what all I've been working through, the past and the future are ALWAYS on my mind, so this was a struggle for me. Whenever I was tempted to make a list, or worry about a future struggle, or even to remember a painful relationship, I remembered that God had given me the gift of that moment and I was going to be thankful and honor it, enjoying all God was giving me and doing in me RIGHT THEN - the warm drowziness of sleep, the beauty of the sun shining on the water, the joy of being with Phil. In doing this I found myself more aware of the blessings of God, the wonder of being with Him, and the beauty of His creation. In this way I didn't allow regret, worry and anxiety rob me of the joy of life! I also gave Phil a gift by doing this - I was truly with him, my thoughts were not elsewhere and distracted. I gave him the gift of my full attention - and it was wonderful.

Another funny thing God spoke to me about is somewhat related. All of you ladies can relate to this - when you are 42 years old and go to the beach with many younger women around it's hard not to absolutely obsess about all of your physical flaws. There was one moment I thought, "I wish I had at least ENJOYED being thin and fit and young!".  I felt embarassed alot of times and worried about how I looked. God really brought me up short on this train of thought as well, so I spent time thanking God that my body is strong and healthy. No it's not perfect and aging really is humiliating, but it's a fact! Just like I don't want to let being ill keep me from living fully, I also do not want to let my own low self esteem or a lack of confidence keep me from experiencing all of the riches of this one life I have to live. So I jumped in the water with my boogie board and adopted an "I don't care" attitude. I was thankful for the opportunity and I didn't know anyone anyway! This was just another way I had to learn to relax, let go, focus on thankfulness and the present moment. And a great blessing of this was that I got to swim with the turtles! That wouldn't have happened if I had stayed on shore!

To further my journy into relaxing, today Phil and I bought a Wii! I'm gonna have to practice up......

Aloha for now!

   As of 5:30 am Wednesday morning Phil and I will be on our way to Kauai! We are very excited and have all sorts of fun things planned - a helicopter tour to see the parts of Kauai that are simply not accessible any other way, snorkeling at Tunnels Beach, hitting the Shrimp Station and trying different flavors of shrimp and eating with the locals, going all the way to Polihale Beach this time and seeing the dunes, renting a 4WD for a few days and doing some exploring, eating LOTS of shave ice (macadamia nut ice cream with shave ice and syrup - lingonberry/passion fruit -  all topped with CONDENSED MILK! YUMMY!), finding some hidden beaches and eating our hamburgers from Duane's Ono Charburger while we're sitting there, boogie boarding, taking some afternoon naps, maybe getting a massage, hiking along the coastline, eating at Keoki's Paradise, visiting the coffee plantation, and kayaking the Na Pali coast! We are well overdue some time away with one another and poor Phil deserves this break from work as well. So pray for us and keep checking back. I'm not going to blog everyday but I will try to share now and then some of the fun we're having, especially after our big 17  mile kayaking trip! Pray for us - for our safety, for us to enjoy one another, for us to hear from God and to sense Him in these beautiful surroundings and for us to be able to truly rest - body and soul. Pray for our family as well, that they will be safe and healthy while they are here at home and that no emergencies crop up for anyone to deal with. We're off to Hawaii - our happy place! As Phil says, "It's just good for the soul!".

Leading Worship Through Tragedy

Please forgive the length of this post - it's a story I hope you will take the time to read.

There are times of leading worship that I will never forget. Some are really high moments, times when I felt like our whole church was unified in praise, focused on celebrating Jesus with all that we have. But the most memorable times of leading worship for me have been in the wake of tragedy. Leading worship following 9-11 was stunning and literally brought me to my knees. But it was in leading worship following the death of a longtime friend, who was also our pastor’s wife, that I came to more fully understand the hope we find in worshiping God when it seems that all hell has broken loose around us.

My friend died on a Saturday night, taking her own life after a long and bitter battle with mental illness. I really hesitate to say that but I don’t think you can understand the rest of this without knowing that, and our former pastor has given me permission to share this experience with you. To die is one thing, to have someone who is a believer, a friend, a wife, a mother choose to leave you via death is another thing entirely. It affects you in a much different way and leaves more than grief in it’s wake. Suicide leaves questions, fear, anger, feelings of betrayal, confusion, feelings of guilt and so many more negative emotions for us left behind to deal with. If you were around, perhaps this rings true for you – I know that I still struggle with these feelings.

She died on a Saturday night, and I spent all  that night first on the scene with family, then calling people, meeting with church members and trying to figure out what we would do for our two services in the morning as we had to tell our church body. I can remember how strange it was to walk into church late that night where many friends had gathered to pray and to realize that they were looking to me for answers. And I was terrified to open my mouth because I didn’t know what to say or how to answer people’s deepest questions. One moment stands out very clearly – a dear friend of mine grabbed my hand as we prayed and whispered quietly, “God, you are still good.” That encapsulated what leading worship would be like for me in the following days – I clung to that truth like a life raft. I realized that although I had no explanations to heal our hearts, no words that would make the pain go away, I could give one gift – the gift of pointing our church family to the continued truth of God’s goodness. To be honest, many things about that morning are a blur - each moment was seen through a veil of tears and pain. I literally almost passed out in rehearsal because I cried so hard and wondered if I could really do this. I struggled to remember my role as a minister. But God met with us in an incredibly sweet way that morning in each service. It was probably one of our more meaningful times of worship. As a worship leader, I felt that I was more than a leader of worship - in that moment my role was more of a distributor of hope. People sat with their heads bowed, their countenance so sad and dismayed and full of grief. As they sang of the goodness of God and lived out the truth of the verse that says “yet will I praise You”, I felt like we were literally reaching out and lifting up people’s faces, causing them to gaze not at this awful situation, but into the face of the Almighty and Ever Present God. Together we remembered that God is indeed still good and I saw their expressions change from fear and grief to hope and expectation. God was with us.

As we planned the funeral we determined that we were going to worship God. And I can confidently say that we did. It wasn’t easy - it was the hardest set of worship I have ever led. I worried that my team would fall apart. If one of us could not carry on, another stepped up. I don’t mean to sound trite, and believe me, it wasn’t – but we purposed in those moments to point to God alone and somehow we made it through and led worship with as much grace and authenticity as we could. I've never been prouder of our team. I can clearly remember family and church member’s faces as they sang of God’s goodness, the reality of eternity with our Savior, raised their hands and cried out to God. We did not celebrate my friend’s death, but we did celebrate the hope and love of the One she is now with.

It is easy to lead worship on Easter. Everyone wants to party that day. It is easy to lead worship when we all “feel the Spirit” and are rejoicing. But it is much harder to lead worship when we have such heavy questions and grief swirling around inside us that we are unsure that we can even continue to stand, much less praise God. In those moments we have to ask our selves, “What do I truly believe about God?” and “Do I really mean what I am singing?”. It's a gut check. I’ve never felt the weight of leading worship like I did at this time and in the weeks that followed. I “grew up” as a minister of worship in those moments.

I thank God for my friend. We lost her to illness long before we lost her to actual death. I do not rejoice in her death but I do rejoice in this one thing – that she is in the presence of her King, her Savior, who makes all things new - and I know she is worshiping Him. Her death has taken me on a journey of seeking God more and more.

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:3-5)

Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!