A Worshipful Heart

Invitation

I had planned to write about leading worship following my friend's death but I'm not quite up to that tonight. It's still quite an emotional topic for me. So I thought I would share something else. I wrote the other day that my retreat this past time was centered around the spiritual discipline of self-examination, or asking God to show us where in our lives, motivations and attitudes, thoughts, and of course, actions are simply "unlike Christ". As I prayed about this during my quiet time the morning prior to my retreat beginning I wrote a song as a prayer. It's not recorded yet, but here are the lyrics:

Invitation

(verse)

Create in me a heart that's pleasing to you

Come know me inside and out

Give me courage to pray, "here I am, have your way"

But I tremble before you now...

(chorus)

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

When there are simply no words left to pray

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

Transform all that I am in the light of your grace

(Bridge)

Invade all I am, come and see all of me

Help me rest in your love as your truth sets me free

Strip away the illusions and open my eyes

But never let me go, never let me go.....

I hope you can see my heart as well as my honest hesitancy as I wrote this prayer to God in the form of a song......maybe one day I'll record it, but for now I'm using it as a prayer and just singing it for my own self.

Can God Use Even Me? My Testimony Part 2

**Once again, just want to encourage you to read my testimony with an open heart. I don't want us to get sidetracked with debates over issues so please keep your comments positive and on topic. I hope God speaks to you through my story.**

If you want to listen to what I shared in church on Sunday, just go here and click on the audio for "The Struggle to Rest". My part starts at about 39 minutes. I also wanted to share a few pictures from my Sending Service. My post for today is below!

                                                            

(Continued from yesterday)

Well, not long after this our little church plant voted to close it’s doors. We weren’t growing and had been in existence almost 4 years. We were a part of the 80% of church plants that simply do not make it. The day after we voted to do this, a friend called Phil and asked him how much they would have to pay me to come lead worship at a new church plant being planned for the Madison area. Phil told him to double my salary and we’d come. (I wasn’t being paid so this wasn’t hard!) Although Phil was eager to jump on board, I was not so eager. At this point in time I didn’t really trust pastors. There, I’ve said it. I had a very poor opinion of senior pastors and was terrified of entering ministry again, particularly in a church plant. I’d been there, done that, got the badge, tshirt and plaque. “No thank you” was my first reply. I had had my fill of leading worship then running back and keeping the nursery, then running back to lead worship again. I knew what it was like to try to run a ministry on no money at all or if money was needed, it had to come out of my own pocket. I had no confidence it would work out and I was exhausted and tired. I didn’t want to start all over again. I was afraid of being hurt again. For the first time in my life I WANTED to go join a church and sit quietly on the back pew. I had been burned and didn’t want to venture anywhere near that source of pain. And honestly, I’d lost confidence in myself as well. I thought if I was their only option they must be really bad off! But as Phil and I began to pray about it I began to see that this invitation was not simply from a long time friend but from the heart of God Himself. I finally said a very scared and timid “yes” to God and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. Even though I wanted to, I could not sit on the sidelines in fear forever because I could not deny God’s calling on my life. I couldn’t ignore the thunder of God’s calling to my heart. And as I responded in obedience God took me on a journey that is still not completed – a journey of healing, of stretching and growing me in ways I never could have imagined, of learning to trust again and perhaps most importantly, of seeing how He designed me for His purposes. When we started The Brook (formerly Willowbrook West Worship Center – yes it’s a mouthful and I don’t know what we were thinking!) our praise team consisted of one guitar and about four pretty terrified vocalists. And then there was me. I was absolutely petrified of failing again, of any man who could sing or play guitar walking through the door and replacing me. My confidence was shot and I was struggling to trust again and that was a fun dynamic to bring to the group. And have I mentioned I STILL had no idea what I was doing? I felt like someone launched me on this wild roller coaster ride and I couldn’t catch my breath. But amazingly enough God moved in a remarkable way. In spite of us, in spite of my own inexperience and fear, God used us. The only experience that has stretched me more than the last ten years in ministry is becoming a mother. Wow! The learning curve was quite steep and I was constantly challenged to move to new levels and learn new skills. Now I laugh and say I’m no longer nervous leading worship because I have simply made every mistake you can possibly make and lived to tell about it so there is nothing left to fear. But through it all I’ve grown. I think I’ve grown more into the woman God desires me to be as I’ve clung tightly to Him because I surely did not have the talent and ability to do it on my own – I hope I’ve matured and developed and grown as a servant leader and minister. I know I am more confident of my calling, and maybe most importantly, I know more of what I don’t know. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? You know, I’ve always sort of mourned that I don’t have a dynamic personality or a spectacular voice. I’ve regretted that I’m not really good at playing any instrument except shaker and tambourine. (that was a joke) I’ve felt woefully inadequate every single day (possibly every hour) I’ve served God as a minister. I’ve wondered at times what in the world God was thinking when He asked me to do this thing. Surely there is someone more capable, exciting, anointed, experienced and talented! At times I’ve thought my only real abilities were writing notes and taking care of people and making cookies. These hardly seemed to be the ingredients for the making of a mighty woman of God in my mind. Why did God call me to ministry? I honestly do not know. I only know He did. I’m trusting Him to use me as He sees fit. Thankfully the Bible is full of people just like me! Perhaps my lack of overwhelming natural talent has kept me humbly seeking Him. Perhaps He uses even my lack. That is a comforting thought to me.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing some about being a woman in ministry leadership. I think this thing is going to take longer than a week but I hope you'll stay with me and continue to read!

What a Wonderful Day!

Yesterday was a wonderful day! It was a privilege to gather so openly with our church family and be an eye witness as they celebrated our Risen Savior and proclaimed His victory! From the opening video til the ending prayer each service was filled with joy and excitement - there was just a buzz in the air. As I stood on the stage to lead in worship I saw friends engage with God and there is not a more beautiful sight in all the world! With all of our hearts and beings we joined together to proclaim, "He is Risen Indeed!". What an honor to be a part of that!

I love leading worship on Easter because people do seem to come with such great expectancy. It's like they are sitting on the edge of their seats just knowing God is there to move. They have not only this human expectancy, they have faith that He will meet with them. That longing, expectant heart opens us to the move of the Spirit of God in a fresh way. We don't just come to church, we come with the anticipation that God has something special for us!

I believe that this explosion of joy in our services yesterday was partially due to this expectancy and anticipation we all brought when we came to worship. Yes, we worked hard on these services. But I think that - much more than that - it is our openness to God as we come, our sure faith that He is there with us longing to touch us, and our absolute determination to worship that brought such a PASSION to these times of worship. We were focused, we were fully present, we were all engaged and we longed to hear from God. God is always with us when we gather together to worship Him, He is indeed always working. But it is my experience as a worship leader that when worship times are "powerful" it's because we as Believers are worshiping wholeheartedly! We aren't watching others, half asleep, thinking about anything else - we are FULLY PRESENT with God and with one another. That is what makes worship memorable and powerful. Please don't misunderstand me. It is WHOLLY the presence and the power of the Holy Spirit that moves and works within us. I just know that many times we are unaware of God's presence, we are simply clocking time, we are on auto pilot as worshipers. When we are fully engaged and purposeful in our worship we open a door for God to move in an extraordinary way. Our hearts are open, we are ready and we become a willing vessel for God to work with. With this attitude we participate with God in His purposes! That's what we experienced at The Brook yesterday morning. Praise God!

I felt that yesterday's services were not so much "led" as "facilitated". There was a constant participation in all elements. I never felt like our congregation just sat and observed us "doing our thing". During worship they cheered, clapped, sang, raised their hands, cried. During the testimony that was given I saw so many tears of joy and compassion, and yes, probably understanding. There were warm smiles and encouraging looks as people affirmed - "yes, that's my love story too!". During our special music and even in our moments of transition, people responded to God. Some people simply sat and wept, or sang along. Others stood to their feet to proclaim with us, "My God is Mighty to Save" or to say to the world, "Yes, I am Redeemed!". I saw people move in very worshipful faith. Those were moments of participation as people responded TO GOD, not just to us and any promptings we gave. The worship simply flowed like a rushing river, all around the room, from heart to heart and up to God. We each gave something special to our time of corporate worship. I know it was a sweet offering to Him as we did this TOGETHER for His glory.

A big shout out to my family at The Brook! I love you all and loved sharing Easter with you once again. Thank you for letting me serve you in this way - it was a great joy and honor. Thank you to the many, many people who sang, played, preached, cleaned, built sets, handled lighting, slides, sound, served coffee, directed the service, greeted, ministered to our children and did so much more!It was good to have so many participate together.

On a personal note, it was wonderful to have my Mom and Dad with us, as well as having my daughter Maria home and at church with us. I sat with almost my entire family on Easter! That was really great. I loved being together with all of you!

Hope your Easter was blessed!

Good Friday - Stop and Remember

  Easter is fast approaching. Our team has spent weeks preparing worship and special music, service elements, staging and lighting, videos and a sermon that we pray will penetrate the hearts of those who attend. We have worked and planned so that the message of new life in Christ is very clear. We've prayed for others and the services and we've worked. But the question that so resounds in my heart tonight is how ready are WE, in our heart of hearts, to lead out on Sunday morning? We've prepared our music and our environment but have we prepared OURSELVES? We may feel physically prepared, technically we have thought through all of the details - yet it niggles in my heart that perhaps we have stopped short in our preparations.

Have we stopped long enough to thoughtfully consider the death of Christ on our behalf? I don't mean a quick "thank you" but a truly quiet moment where we stop, we sit, we absorb, we give thanks, we confess, we deeply consider the pain and darkness that had to occur. Have we been horrified lately that someone DIED for US? Without remembering the death, we cannot truly celebrate the resurrection. Without initial "defeat" there is no victory. Without the seeming triumph of sin and darkness in our life there is no new life in Christ Jesus. And while we all like to party more than we like to mourn, I think that some grief over the cost of our sin, over the suffering of our Savior, is appropriate as we approach the celebration of Easter morning.

Tomorrow is Good Friday. Take some time to stop and remember - to stop and say "thank you" - to stop and be overwhelmed by the goodness of the cross of Christ. This will be the focus of my sabbath tomorrow - revisiting the Way of Suffering of my Savior. Join me in taking some time in sober and respectful reflection. Then may your celebration be truly joyous on Sunday.

When Jesus rose from the dead, the women arrived at the tomb first on that morning. The words spoken to them that continue to strike a chord deep in my heart are these: "Why are you looking for the living among the dead?" Jesus lives indeed - inside each one of us who is called "Believer" and forevermore in victory! May the wonder of the cross and resurrection never leave us.

Keeping My Own Day of Sabbath

One thing I have felt God speaking to me as I have sought how to gain some balance in my life is to begin to have a regular day of Sabbath rest each week. Please pray for me and support me as I begin a new phase of my spiritual journey - making time each week to focus on being with God, my family and and doing things that feed my soul and help me care for myself. This will be very difficult for me, so pray for me to honor God in this way.

While I am taking this first set apart day I WILL NOT:

1. work - housework or ministry work

2. run errands that I do not enjoy

3. check email or go online

4. answer the phone unless it's my family - so leave me a message!

5. use it as a "catch up day" - whatever i have not finished will simply have to wait

However I WILL:

1. enjoy being with God and take my time and linger in my quiet time

2. do some spiritual reading and listen for God's voice and journal what He says to me

3. go get a massage

4. eat something I enjoy and savor it - maybe i will take phil out to eat!

5. enjoy having a healthy body and spend some time exercising and stretching

6. maybe take a nap

7.whatever i do i will take my time and enjoy it

I wish I had said this but I didn't. To quote Anne Jackson, author of "Mad Church Disease":

"Rest bound together the incomplete to the complete. We cannot be dependent on ourselves and dependent on God at the same time. When we consider the practice of rest unnecessary, we also will inevitably lose sight of the necessity of God."

Well said, Anne. Check back Saturday to read my last retreat post......

All Sorts of Stuff

I'm cramming all sorts of stuff into today's blog! Read on for all the varied news....

First of all, I'm going to give you my weekly "exercise/weight loss/health" update first. I weighed in today, one day early and have lost another 3 1/2 pounds for a grand total of 10 POUNDS!! Only 30 more to go! Woo hoo! I am now beginning to tell a difference in my clothes, which is great.

Secondly, I am leaving in just a little while to go to Murfreesboro, TN to spend the night with my daughter Maria. We have a grand girl's night planned with dinner out and watching a movie or Gilmore Girls. Tomorrow I'll get up bright and early and head to the Nashville Airport for my flight to Chicago. If you are a long time reader, you'll know I go away quarterly to meet with a pastor's retreat community in the Chicago area. And although we did not get one speck of snow here, I will hopefully get to see some there. The retreats are held on a beautiful campus that includes a lake surrounded by gorgeous woods and a road to walk. I'm looking forward to taking some walks in the snow and taking pictures, which I'll post next week. This retreat is focusing on "Engaging with the Scripture for Spiritual Formation". Please pray for me as I go that I will hear a fresh and clear word from God and experience His presence in a profound way as I carve out this space and time in my life.

Finally, I have to share something that I saw this morning that truly deeply disturbed me. I went to Books A Million this morning and the Buddhist group was meeting there having what was the equivalent of an evangelistic meeting, giving out little tote bags, etc. There were probably 25 people listening. What disturbs me is this - what drives people in the absolute buckle of the Bible belt to consider alternatives to the Christian church when they feel a spiritual need? While I feel that people are more spiritually open today, I'm afraid they are open to more things as well. Just another sign that we really need to get busy and make sure that we are offering the TRUTH of Jesus. The church may not be the first place people look anymore. Maybe we need to reserve Books a Million next weekend?!

If we did, what would you call it and what would you do?

Offering Prayers and Sympathy

Please take a moment to pause during your day and to pray for those in Colorado whose lives were so totally altered yesterday. Tonight my heart just hurts for the families of the YWAM staffers who were killed, for the parents of the two sisters killed at New Life Church as they were leaving the worship service, for the security guard who had to pull the trigger to stop a killer, for the friends of all the victims, the staffs of both facilities and all of those who were witnesses to a horrific crime. When I read the news stories and watched the videos of interviews, I just sat and cried as I thought about what these people must be feeling.  As a mother, as a friend, as a minister......I grieve with and pray for those whose losses today are great, whose peace is completely shattered, whose world will never ever be the same, who will struggle to feel secure ever again,  and those who will have to now lead in the wake of this trauma. Take a moment to hold these brothers and sisters in Christ in the Lord's loving presence. May our hearts be soft enough and tender enough to mourn with those who mourn and to feel great compassion for those whose lives were interrupted by tragedy. Can we remain untouched as our family in Christ suffers? I hope not - I fervently hope that we cannot. No, we may not know them in person and cannot offer our physical presence or food or other demonstrations of sympathy. But we can offer the silent strength and support of our prayers. Pray with me.