A Worshipful Heart

Sabbatical Update

I haven't given a sabbatical update in a while so I wanted to let you know how things are going. This time has been wonderful, although at times I have had very strong emotions. I have enjoyed the rest, the opportunity to be with family and friends, and the chance to focus on taking care of myself and my family and even my home. In the rush of ministry some of those things just go by the wayside. But the days that those unexpected emotions swamp me are harder. As always, I find that God meets me in His own unique and faithful ways as I continue to process and grow through these experiences.

So here's what's going on with me:

1) I've been focusing on taking care of my body. Limiting caffeine, drinking lots of water, and exercising every day are steps I'm taking to care more for this body God has given me. You might say that this is my "thanks offering" for the privelege of having a strong and healthy body. While I have not lost any more weight I feel stronger and more energetic and enjoy the mental down time I have while exercising. I've been walking/running, biking and using the elliptical runner plus I've added hand weights to my routine. We've done some hiking as well. I hope to be stronger and leaner by this fall.

2)  I've been spending very purposeful time with my family. Daniel and I have visited Ave Maria Grotto, we hiked to the walls of Jericho, we're going to the David Crowder concert, we've done things with my parents plus we just get to hang out more. We bought a Wii and enjoy playing games on it together. We've gotten to visit with Maria and Philip more regularly. Phil and I have spent so much more time with one another - not just in Hawaii, but we've made room for one another more. I'm going with him to California next week - he's working, I'm hiking and biking up and down the Monterey Bay coastline and spending lots of time reading and journaling. I am just thankful that thisis one more week we will not be separated.

3) I've read and journaled alot. I revisited some of my favorite books but I also have read "Coming Home to Your True Self" by Haase which was interesting and I'm starting "Wounded Healer" by Henri Nouwen next week. I'm still looking to read "Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership" by Ruth Barton when it comes out in July. I still have "Strength Finder" on my shelf to read as well!

4) I've listened to alot of music - I have a worship setlist that I walk with, drive with, and even use in my quiet times. God has used some of these songs to minister to me in a very deep way. Most of these are not new but the message still is ringing in my heart. Some that are touching me are:

 - "Restore to Me" - Mac Powell/Candi Pearson    - "Wholly Yours" - David Crowder Band            

 - "Ready for You" - Kutless               - "Yes and Amen" - Matt Redman

 - "More of You Jesus" - Pocketful of Rocks        - "God of Our Yesterdays" - Matt Redman

 - "Vision of You" - Shane and Shane            - "Love Break Me" - Starfield

The song that I've listened to over and over again is "Whatever You're Doing" by Sanctus Real. It's been my theme song. (thanks Michael!)

If I could describe my life on sabbatical in one word it would have to be SPACIOUS. I have time to live life at a sane pace and with purpose. When I do something - whether it is exercising or having my quiet time or even getting ready - I am not rushed or overwhelmed. I have the time and space to take my time and enjoy it. And I am loving it. There is something so peaceful about this way of life - I feel more alive to God and to those around me, including my precious family. I hope to carry this with me after I go back to work. Thank you again to my dear, sweet family at The Brook for this gift. I am resting and I am healing. I thank God for that.

I Am Limited

This is a continuation of my story of the past two years. See previous posts for more information. This is the first in a series of things that God really taught me from this period of brokenness. You might call these lessons learned the "hidden riches" of brokenness. Again, this post represents nothing more than my own experience, insight and opinions.

 

I’m sure you’re laughing at the title of this post and thinking to yourself, “I knew that!”. I always knew it of course, but it hit me very deeply as I walked through the course of these events. Since I wanted to do a good job and we were facing problems, I tried to handle every situation that came up, I felt responsible to solve each problem I encountered (and there were lots of them!) and just generally fell into the trap of thinking that if I worked long and hard enough maybe things wouldn’t fall apart. Obviously I missed that this was God's job! :) Looking back, I think that there were several things that drove me towards this thinking…

 

1)      I am (according to my husband) an overly conscientious, overly responsible person. I tend to always feel responsible for everything, whether it is mine to be responsible for or not. And I feel guilty when things go wrong or are left undone.

 

      I felt guilty a lot during this time.

 

     I had to learn that I simply cannot do everything and that it is okay to say “no”. This was quite painful for me at first. Now it is freeing.

 

2)      I am also a “fixer” – I try to make everyone happy. I hate and avoid conflict and probably try to smooth things over because of this. As you might imagine, I simply could not keep everyone happy.

 

      Another failure (in my eyes) – I felt at times that everyone was unhappy with me and since I couldn’t fix that I felt like I failed as a minister.

 

      My “breakthough” moment in this area was when I realized everyone did not like Jesus either and that He had people leave His ministry as well. (I’m not comparing myself to Jesus, just saying if He couldn’t do it, I don’t know why I thought I could) I was simply in a difficult situation with no easy answers.

 

3)      I was grieving what I had lost – a friend, yes. But more than that I felt like I had lost my church. I still served at the same address, at the same church building.

 

      But the chairs were void of so many I loved.

 

      I missed them and I grieved this loss deeply. And my grief made me afraid – afraid of losing again, of things falling apart entirely and the dream dying completely. This fear drove me to work harder and longer.

 

4)      I felt very guilty that people had left the church because I was allowed to teach. (please note it was not what I said or taught, just that I did) Others were hurt by these departures. To this day, people will talk about this time with tears in their eyes, and that makes me feel awful. (see #1) I can’t describe how it feels to unendingly have your being “allowed” to minister debated – and by those you love and are friends with.

 

      Being a point of contention is humiliating.

 

      I wanted to crawl in a hole and never come out. I overworked to not only prove myself but also to perhaps make up for the turmoil this caused, even though I am very convinced that my teaching was a true God thing. I felt such perfect peace about it. The good news is that all of this kept me on my face before God, seeking Him with all of my heart. I read “Why Not Women?” by Loren Cunningham during this time and God spoke a very deep word to me as I prayed once again for an affirmation of my calling from God.

 

      God simply said “I’ve already told you that”.

 

      Futhermore, He showed me that while I had dealt with the issues of forgiveness for the events of my past, I had never dealt with how it made me feel about myself.  I had to face the woman in the mirror at this point and realize how I had let someone else’s disapproval mark me in such deep ways that were not pretty. These events, while very disturbing, have led me to a place of even more rock solid conviction that I am called by Christ to be a minister of the Good News.

 

Through this time I realized with fresh clarity that I can’t handle it all and I have many limits which honestly are a gift from God. They show me where to stop and rest in Him and allow HIM to act. I have physical and emotional limits, I am limited in ability and knowledge and maybe most of all, I am limited in my responsibility for others. People simply get to make their own decisions and I am not responsible for those. I realized I could never in a million years keep people happy enough that they would not walk out the door. I realized that – although I had fervently hoped otherwise – my being a woman in ministerial leadership would continue to crop up as an issue through the years. I could no longer hide from this issue and I needed to move forward and boldly obey God. As I realized my limits more and more, I actually found it quite freeing to realize I didn’t have to handle it all.

Today I thank God for these limits.

The Refiner's Fire

**This post is my experience and insights only. It does not necessarily reflect The Brook, any other leadership at The Brook, or the thoughts of any other church members. It is my testimony alone. **

 

To continue with my “testimony” I will have to share what I walked through following the death of our pastor’s wife. If you haven’t read that post, please do so here because this post will only make sense in that context. After our pastor’s wife died, I was pleased with how our church handled things. People seemed to pull together and we avoided the “hand grenade” we feared. Our fellowship did not scatter but seemed to be closer than ever. But as the months went by it was like this added stress brought to the surface many of our hidden problem areas, irritations and complaints. Over the next twelve months we were refined in a major way - and that was tough to deal with.

 

These were the biggies for me:

1)      I taught on a Sunday while our pastor was gone and it caused a huge turmoil in a small group of people. I was extremely hurt and disillusioned by comments made to me in the wake of this. This was a HUGE event in my life.

2)      We began to lose a steady stream of people from our church for a variety of reasons, ranging from those upset about #1 to people who couldn’t bear to be reminded of the suicide to who knows what else. This was the most heartbreaking thing I went through that year, losing not only friends, but ministry team members as well. That was discouraging and exhausting.

3)      I had a fairly difficult problem occur on one of my ministry teams that zapped me emotionally.

If I could sum those months up I would say that I was exhausted, still physically ill and very grief stricken but I kept trying to press ahead, take care of everybody and handle things and I HONESTLY DID NOT KNOW HOW – and I felt guilty for it. In the midst of that exhaustion I experienced the events above and they just robbed me of my confidence and brought more waves of grief into my life as well. I felt responsible to help keep everything together and minister to our very hurting congregation but I also had my own grief. How does one navigate that? I still do not have the answer. I desperately wanted to help but I felt so torn at times and given the situations we went through (above) I had a new kind of pain enter my life – I felt like an utter failure as a minister and I was deeply feeling the loss of dear friends. It seemed like it would never end. Comments made by people who probably were also hurting compounded my pain. Leading worship was painful because all I could think of were those friends now missing from our fellowship.

 

It came to a big head one Sunday after church. I was supposed to go home, eat lunch, grab my suitcase and head out with the rest of staff to a “3C’s” conference with Ed Young Jr. My husband was lying on the couch watching football and I stretched out next to him and began to weep – not silent tears, but gut wrenching sobs that I could not stop. I remember begging him to please let me stay home, and “don’t make me go back to church”. It was one of the lowest emotional moments of my life. I did go and I spent all of one session sitting on the floor in the back of the room just sobbing uncontrollably. I can tell you that at that moment I felt utterly broken. I felt like I would drown in the crashing waves of life – I couldn’t seem to swim out past the waves to the calm water or get on my feet to walk to shore. I feared I would drown and thoughts of quitting were never far from my mind.

 

At this point I literally felt like I came to the end of myself, I was quite literally desperate for God and I took what was – for me – a drastic step. I went to a National Pastors Retreat in Chicago. It was a big step for me because it cost a good deal of money and I didn’t know a soul there. I went and wept almost continually, but the extended time away with God was so good for me. I would say that weekend marked the beginning of a turning point in my life as God began to give me some wisdom in the midst of these difficult times. The spiritual discipline of retreat is something I am now doing each quarter and it has made a huge difference in my spiritual journey. But the difficulties did not stop there and in fact the next 12 months were also very painful – our pastor resigned suddenly and I again felt such a huge wave of grief. But in the midst of the brokenness God was teaching me some beautiful lessons. I’ll expand on each of these individually in later blogs but here is the short list:

1)      I am limited - I cannot take care of everyone and I am not responsible for everything.

2)      I need to take care of myself.

3)      I need to rest in God’s all sufficient love for me.

4)      Grief will not be denied.

5)      I needed to ask for what I need.

6)      The most important thing I could give anyone was a healthy me.

Eventually God would begin to show me that there are hidden riches in the broken, desperate places and times of our lives. Although this was a terribly painful time in my life I can honestly say I would not trade it. I have learned so much and am hopefully wiser and more compassionate as a result. I’ve had good friends look at me in the midst of this and say “Will things ever be the same?”. I always answer honestly, “No.” To be honest, I am thankful that I will never be the same again. I am not thankful for the trials but I am thankful for the deep work God has done in my life throughout this time.

Things I'm Learning

I wanted to quickly share with you all a couple of things God really led me to deal with on this trip. For those of you who know me, you know I've struggled to learn to relax. (that's an oxymoronic statement, huh?) I've tended to fill each day up, constantly referring to my "to do" list, and worried about all the things and people I had to keep organized - I just could not seem to turn my brain off. In the last few months, God has been leading me to relax a bit more, showing me how I need to rest in Him more and more and to trust HIM to act as well. As I was flying over to Kauai this time, I was reading a book and the author talked about "honoring the sacredness of this present moment" - in other words, paying attention to the gift of NOW and being fully present in IT, instead of living in regret for the past or anxiety for the future. For a worrier like myself, this was a challenging statement to consider, but I felt led by God to really take this to heart while I was away with Phil. Given what all I've been working through, the past and the future are ALWAYS on my mind, so this was a struggle for me. Whenever I was tempted to make a list, or worry about a future struggle, or even to remember a painful relationship, I remembered that God had given me the gift of that moment and I was going to be thankful and honor it, enjoying all God was giving me and doing in me RIGHT THEN - the warm drowziness of sleep, the beauty of the sun shining on the water, the joy of being with Phil. In doing this I found myself more aware of the blessings of God, the wonder of being with Him, and the beauty of His creation. In this way I didn't allow regret, worry and anxiety rob me of the joy of life! I also gave Phil a gift by doing this - I was truly with him, my thoughts were not elsewhere and distracted. I gave him the gift of my full attention - and it was wonderful.

Another funny thing God spoke to me about is somewhat related. All of you ladies can relate to this - when you are 42 years old and go to the beach with many younger women around it's hard not to absolutely obsess about all of your physical flaws. There was one moment I thought, "I wish I had at least ENJOYED being thin and fit and young!".  I felt embarassed alot of times and worried about how I looked. God really brought me up short on this train of thought as well, so I spent time thanking God that my body is strong and healthy. No it's not perfect and aging really is humiliating, but it's a fact! Just like I don't want to let being ill keep me from living fully, I also do not want to let my own low self esteem or a lack of confidence keep me from experiencing all of the riches of this one life I have to live. So I jumped in the water with my boogie board and adopted an "I don't care" attitude. I was thankful for the opportunity and I didn't know anyone anyway! This was just another way I had to learn to relax, let go, focus on thankfulness and the present moment. And a great blessing of this was that I got to swim with the turtles! That wouldn't have happened if I had stayed on shore!

To further my journy into relaxing, today Phil and I bought a Wii! I'm gonna have to practice up......

Aloha for now!

   As of 5:30 am Wednesday morning Phil and I will be on our way to Kauai! We are very excited and have all sorts of fun things planned - a helicopter tour to see the parts of Kauai that are simply not accessible any other way, snorkeling at Tunnels Beach, hitting the Shrimp Station and trying different flavors of shrimp and eating with the locals, going all the way to Polihale Beach this time and seeing the dunes, renting a 4WD for a few days and doing some exploring, eating LOTS of shave ice (macadamia nut ice cream with shave ice and syrup - lingonberry/passion fruit -  all topped with CONDENSED MILK! YUMMY!), finding some hidden beaches and eating our hamburgers from Duane's Ono Charburger while we're sitting there, boogie boarding, taking some afternoon naps, maybe getting a massage, hiking along the coastline, eating at Keoki's Paradise, visiting the coffee plantation, and kayaking the Na Pali coast! We are well overdue some time away with one another and poor Phil deserves this break from work as well. So pray for us and keep checking back. I'm not going to blog everyday but I will try to share now and then some of the fun we're having, especially after our big 17  mile kayaking trip! Pray for us - for our safety, for us to enjoy one another, for us to hear from God and to sense Him in these beautiful surroundings and for us to be able to truly rest - body and soul. Pray for our family as well, that they will be safe and healthy while they are here at home and that no emergencies crop up for anyone to deal with. We're off to Hawaii - our happy place! As Phil says, "It's just good for the soul!".

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

The Story Continues

**The last two years have been truly life changing for me. I know I will never be the same and God has used these experiences in ways I never could have imagined. Here's the beginning of that story, which follows rather closely what I shared at The Brook on Sunday, April 20th of this year. Please remember that I write this blog as an individual, not to represent The Brook in anyway and I write about these events with the knowledge and blessing of our former pastor.**

In January of 2006 I had two momentous events occur in my life. I turned 40 one day and came down with mono the next. To better understand my struggle with mono, you can read my post, “Two years ago”. To say the least, it was tough! It would take almost two years to recover and during that two years I would face the biggest emotional challenges of my life. Here is the beginning of that story.

In April of 2006, we had our regular Saturday night service and then a few of us stayed afterwards to rehearse some music for Easter services. Our student pastor was playing guitar and during this time we both got phone calls from our pastor. All we knew that our pastor’s wife may have tragically and unexpectedly died – we did not know if she was still alive or not. As we literally jumped off that stage and ran to the car, we were truly racing into the unknown. Our pastor’s wife was a long time friend of mine. We had known one another and shared life for 23 years. Phil and I attended their wedding, I helped with their wedding shower, we supported these friends through seminary and celebrated many special times in life together. Planting a church together was a dream come true. The ride to their home was surreal. I can remember thinking I would hyperventilate and pass out and the rest of the night did not get any better. It was a true nightmare for many reasons. And in the end we lost our friend.

As I sat in their living room I remember thinking “I have no idea what to do”. In this moment of tragedy I felt catapulted into caring for others, handling details, making decisions, making sure that ministry and services at The Brook went on unhindered. I felt responsible for making sure it all held together and the truth was I just had no idea how to do that. What we went through is not in a book or a class anywhere. I didn’t know how to make the dozens of phone calls I would have to make to break this news, but I did. I didn’t know how to plan and carry out two services the next morning and break the news to our church family, but we did that too. I didn’t know how to answer all of the questions, nor did I have the answers. I didn’t know how to lead worship after such an event but that was something I also would need to learn. And I didn’t know how to lead worship at the funeral of a friend, but that was something I must face as well. And during all of this I was torn, very torn, between my own incredible grief and my desire to minister to our pastor, his family and our church. It seemed I had no choice. I could not stop to pay attention to my own feelings because – after all – doesn’t a good soldier continue to fight and keep pressing on? I was needed and I was happy to be helpful in any small way I could. But it was undeniably hard.

It all seems a bit of a blur to me now. Some moments stand out in stark relief and others just seem like a shadow. I was shaken by moments of gut-wrenching physical grief when I would cry so hard I would almost throw up or feel like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep or stand to be in the dark. I had recurring images flash through my mind and I would have nightmares as well if I ever did get to sleep. (all symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder I was later diagnosed with) Yet if you saw me during this time you probably would never have known these things because I tried so hard to keep doing what needed to be done. I didn’t think I had a choice. We had not only a family, but a church to care for. We were in an emergency situation and I couldn’t let down my guard, I had to keep on ministering and caring and handling things. I saw a mirrored stress on my fellow staff members as we all wondered what to do but none of us seemed able to really articulate what was going on inside of us – and in reality, who had the time anyway?! We were needed. And because I was needed, I could not stop to rest or even to grieve. Or at least this is what I told myself.

Tomorrow I may write about what it was like to lead worship the morning after this occurred and at the funeral......

Break for Sabbatical Update

I was supposed to write about some things I have learned and experienced as a woman in ministry but to be honest, I'm just not ready to write about that tonight. I don't know what else to say - it's just painful and awkward and I need more time to process so I can say what I really SHOULD say and not mispeak in any way. It can be a pretty emotionally charged topic and it always makes me really cry to talk or write about it so I need to save it for another day when I feel more emotionally prepared. Thanks for understanding.

So I decided to take a break from the very emotional task of writing through my testimony and spiritual journey the last few years and simply give you an update on how my sabbatical is going. For the most part this week has been really wonderful. I've caught up around the house pretty much, made cookies with Daniel, actually cooked dinner and worked in my yard some. I spent the day with a friend, organized my pictures and made some gifts, scrapbooked, watched a whole movie, walked almost every day and got up every morning when I wanted to. But what I really want you to know is that I feel more present to God this week. My slower pace has allowed me to linger in God's presence, to sit and read and journal and not have to get up and move onto something else. My mind is not distracted by "church worries" or even knowing I am going to have to be somewhere in a few minutes. I feel like I can both start and finish a conversation with God. I've enjoyed listening to worship music simply as a worshiper. No services to plan, no thinking, "ooh, we should do that!", just letting the songs be a conversation between God and ?I. That's been so nice. I feel like I have heard more from God in three days than I have in a long time. And what God speaks to me in my morning quiet time stays with me as I take life at this slower pace.

However, I am struggling just a bit tonight. Phil is out of town and I feel alone. Maybe it was knowing everyone was at rehearsal but me. Maybe I tried to do too much this week. Whatever it is, tonight I feel a bit lonely and sad. Mainly I just miss my husband! His presence so often seems to make everything feel allright again. There's nothing like being with my best friend. My best guess is that there will be a few emotional roller coasters during this time. I don't think that healing is a linear process - there's alot of going back and forth and to heal we must address the pain, which is, well, painful!

Here are a few things I have noticed this week:

- I still am addicted to email and struggle not to pull out my laptop and look at it constantly. Pray for me about this. (This will not be a temptation in Hawaii)

- I have cried very easily all week - listening to music, looking at pictures, writing my testimony, having my time with God. My emotions just seem so close to the surface.

- I am still more of a control freak than I would like. I had to clean the house in order to relax. I struggle with not having a "job" or "project" or at least a plan to do each day. I need to learn to be okay with being "useless" for a while. Because of this I am reducing my goal list so I can rest more.

Continue to pray. I long to hear from God in this time.

God, Are You Sure You Meant ME?

**This is my testimony. I hope you will read it with an open and loving heart. Please understand that as I write I am not interested in a debate over theological issues, ministry issues, or anything else so please refrain from those types of comments. This blog in particular touches on the issue of women in leadership and I ask that this issue not be debated here at this time. I am simply sharing my story and what God has taught me as I have walked through life. I pray that God will touch your heart somehow and that you will find a connection to your own journey with Christ. Read to learn and understand and grow together.**

I promised you I would unpack my testimony a bit more this week but I'm going to dive right into when I first started leading worship. If you have never read my "birth story" about how I came to know Christ and was called to ministry it's already posted on my blog and you can read it here. That should give you the background you need for this next part of my story. This part of my story begins 14 years ago, so it's a bit of a rewind.

When I was about 28 years old Phil and I began to look for a new church. This was in about 1994 I think. This was very painful for me. I had left friends and I was grieving this change in my life. I had served blissfully on our praise team for eight years and enjoyed my role on the back row of the stage. I didn’t long for anything more as a vocalist. I loved singing BGVs and considered it a privilege to sing at all. Can I say that at this point in my life becoming a worship leader had NEVER entered my mind?! During this time, I wondered if we would end up in a bigger church and I could not imagine tapping the worship leader on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, by the way, I sing. Would you let me sing with you?” I just thought that perhaps I would sit quietly in the pews for this next era of my life and Phil even jokingly said, “You can sing for me and the kids!”. (This didn’t make me feel better by the way) At this point I honestly thought I would never sing again. When I look back at myself at that time I just laugh. I had such a limited view not only of God but of life in general. I wanted to use this passion of mine for God’s glory and I connect with God in a very deep way when I worship Him. I couldn’t imagine NEVER using my voice for Him again. Well, we searched and searched, trying to find a church. We finally settled on a little church that was just starting out. This was the first time I had ever heard of a “church plant”. We were excited although there were maybe just 20 people there. We thought we had found what we most wanted and were excited to be a part of this new beginning. I had determined that I would NOT tell anyone I was a vocalist. If God wanted me to sing, He would bring it to pass was my logic here. (I didn’t say it was GOOD logic, but this was my thought process) Well, God intervened through my husband Phil and before long I was asked to lead worship at this little church plant that was meeting in a Seventh Day Adventist school. I will just stop right here and tell you – I had no idea what I was doing. None. Whatsoever. At all. And all of you “real” worship leaders out there that lead from an instrument will laugh at this – I led worship to tracks! And yes, it was awful. Just me, a tape player and Phil on the sound board. I shudder when I think about it. While I play both piano and guitar I don’t play either one well enough to be confident in leading while playing. (Besides I like to walk around and raise my hands too much!) But even though it was awful in some ways and even though I thought I might truly hurl all over the front row the first time I led, it was a profound moment for me. I felt God’s pleasure in a very strong way as I led worship, even in these less than perfect circumstances. I didn’t have any training or experience as a leader, I had no team, I had no mentor but what I did have was a white hot passion to see others engage with God and worship Him. You see, that is how God had been working in my life. I can only vaguely remember a handful of sermons that I have ever heard, but I can remember God speaking to me over and over during worship very vividly. I was a passionate worshiper and was learning so much as I worshiped God – I longed to see this happen in other’s lives as well. My method of leading at that time – if it can be called that – was simply to worship and encounter God and hope others would come along for the party. Over the next three years our “team” grew to include a couple of musicians and a few vocalists. We did simple songs, had no budget, and used an overhead projector. There were no bells and whistles. But we had a great time and we enjoyed one another and began to grow as worshipers as well. I thought God was at work and I was thrilled to be along for the ride.

One day it all seemed to crumble for me - I hit a wall in ministry that had never entered my thoughts: our church leadership made the decision that a woman could not hold this position of leadership. So I had to step down. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words. Our church was never told the truth – only that I was “taking a break” – and that hurt even more. I was faced with some difficult decisions and my entire team threatened to leave the church if I didn’t stay on the team as a member. I felt very alone as I wrestled and struggled because I was so embarrassed that I never really spoke to anyone about it. I struggled with being sure of my calling. I struggled to know if I could, in fact, even discern God’s voice at all. I had thought I had heard God’s voice so clearly, but if this group of men was correct then I had been really deluded! I felt God’s pleasure in such a deep way as I led worship so if it was unbiblical for me to do so, then what did those feelings and leadings mean? Was I just crazy? I struggled to believe my pastor. What if there really was some other reason? What if this was just an excuse and I really just wasn’t good enough? I struggled with my attitude and to keep a pure heart before God. I wanted desperately to submit to my pastor and remain in worship ministry but inside I struggled with painful wounds and anger and resentment. I struggled mightily to forgive. And I would struggle for at least 10 years with how this impacted the way I see myself.

In some ways I felt as if this was a test and my response was hugely important. I can remember God saying “Jan, I don’t hold you responsible for what someone does to you, but you are responsible for your own response to them.” As I prayed I can remember hearing God say “There are better things to come”. (I couldn’t even envision what that might mean, but I just kept trying to follow God.) So I waited, and I submitted – not perfectly, but with great effort – and God was with me all during that struggle. I dealt with some aspects of it more easily than others and the impact of this event on my life has been huge, but God faithfully led me through every area of this wondering, struggling, wrestling and questioning. This was a moment of refinement for me, a chance to truly seek God about my calling from Him, to dig into His word and be sure of what I believe and it was a bit of a taste of some things I would encounter eventually as a vocational minister. Looking back I clearly see God’s hand in this situation. Although I felt like it, I was never truly alone. This was preparation for the next phase of my life in ministry. God used this time and these events in my life in ways I could have never dreamed or imagined. I'll share more later on how I feel God used this for good.

Tomorrow...Chapter 2 - We get the call from The Brook! Stay Tuned!

Feelin' the Love!

Well to say that I feel overwhelmingly loved is an understatement. I have felt surrounded by prayers and the love of my church family this past week. Precious friends have written me cards, which I love and read over and over. I am going to post them on the wall during this time of sabbatical so I can see them and be reminded in a concrete way of the love and prayers of my church family and friends. Friday night the praise team gathered at the home of my sweet friends, Robert and Christie Ross. We had chocolate desserts and a meaningful time of worship led by my co-worker, dear friend and trailer mate :), Josh Britt. There is not a more beautiful sound than the sound of praise to God and it is even more precious when I hear the voices of those I love and live life with. With Christie singing on one side of me and Phil holding my handing and singing on the other it was a touching moment for me. Afterwards I was taken to a side room and my friends and teammates all came in one by one and prayed over me. I can't describe what this was like for me. It was simply beautiful and touched me in the deepest part of my heart. We sat and wept together and as I heard their words of love, thanksgiving, and their intercessions for me, I just felt covered by love. It was very healing for me and I thank God for those peaceful moments and loving prayers. A big thank you to Stacy, Christie, Robert and Josh for planning this for me.

This morning was my "Sending Service(s)" at church and I woke up rather early with butterflies in my stomach and last minute anxieties that I am prone to. I was looking forward to today but I was also a bit nervous and weepy. I was a little concerned about sharing my story so openly. There was a very bittersweet feeling to the entire morning for me because I will miss my church family. However, I do feel like God moved in a deep way. Our times of worship together were sweet. People seemed to really engage with God. My in-laws and my parents both came to share the day with me and some old friends came and joined us to see me off on this adventure of sabbatical. Once again I felt surrounded by love. As I shared my story, people were attentive and I could see that they could identify with aspects of my journey and struggles. As I shared my own grief and struggle through pain and need to rest, I could see that resonate with people. I watched as people who I know have gone through very tough times sat and nodded their heads, cried many tears, and with a look we said to one another, "I understand."

Then I had the most beautiful moments of the whole morning. In each service 4 very dear friends were asked to pray over me and to affirm me. This was such a precious surprise for me and I couldn't have asked for anything more meaningful to me. Some were members of my team, some were friends in our church that I have walked with for many years, and some were new friends that God is using in my life as well. They all encouraged me in the Lord, spoke such sweet and kind words about me, and prayed God's word over me. This is a gift I will cherish and carry with me the rest of my life because it is truly an eternal gift that touched my soul. Thank you Stacy, Linda, Ray, Wendel, Dean, Mark and Cheryl for this gift from your heart to mine.

As I lined up to say goodbye to friends I thought how wonderful it was to have this moment to look back on. I will carry these memories with me and as I travel and as I seek God, these dear friends will go with me in spirit through their prayers and love. Today I felt the nearness and physical presence of Christ in the touch of my brothers and sisters. To my family at The Brook - thank you for ministering to me. God used you to surround me with "tender mercies and loving kindness". (Psalm 103)

Tonight I feel one overwhelming emotion - I am thankful that I am loved. 

**Keep reading! I'll be sharing each day a segment of my testimony and elaborating a bit more than I was able to this morning! Comment to let me know you're keeping up!**