A Worshipful Heart

Declaring the Glory of God

I really connect to God by seeing His handiwork in the world around me. I am inspired by it as well. This is one of the reasons I love to travel and be outdoors. As I have been to several different areas of the world, from the deserts of Arizona to the Alps in France and Germany, and all in between, I have seen some marvelous displays of God's workmanship. He just takes my breath away! The more I see, the more I am convinced that our God is not only Mighty and Awesome but unbelievably CREATIVE! I believe that this creative display is intended to declare the glory of God. But I don't think that's just a shouting out by God saying "look what I can do!". I believe God creates with purpose - and although I don't think I comprehend all of God's purposes I do think that two of these purposes might be: 1) to give us joy and 2) To draw us to Himself. (there are obviously many more)

Yesterday, I took a long bike ride along the Monterey Peninsula coastline. I got off the bike a few times to stretch my legs and to take a moment to just sit and be with God in the wonder of that beautiful place. During one of my stops I found myself singing "How Great Thou Art" and worshiping God for who He is, even raising my hands as I sat on that park bench on the edge of the Pacific. (i've quit wondering what people will think) This happens to me alot when I see the world God has made! I have been moved to worship and singing on many occasions when I've come face to face with a particularly glorious piece of God's handiwork - as I stood on Sand Beach in Acadia National Park in Maine, as I first saw the Na Pali Coastline from a boat, as I swam with the sea turtles in Kauai, as I stood looking out over Mont Blanc in France, as I sat in an alpine meadow looking over a lake in Germany, and of course, as I stood on the edge of the Grand Canyon for the first time. In all of these moments - and so many more - I just felt blasted by the reality and incredibly greatness of God. I have thought many, many times, "How can people see this and not believe there is a God?". God uses what He has made to draw me to Himself and to declare that HE IS and to show His glory and unbelievable beauty. I think we see a greater glimpse of God's heart when we take the time to look at the world He created!

So my question for you is this: What sight in this world has "drawn you to God" and moved your heart? Have you ever had an experience like this where your deepest, most heartfelt response was to simply stop and worship God right there?

Take a moment today to look around you and be aware of the presence of God.....

Tonight Was A Good Night

Tonight was a good night. My youngest child, Daniel, will turn 17 years old (gasp!) next Tuesday and we took tonight as a chance to celebrate. Phil went with us to Red Lobster to eat dinner (Daniel's choice for shrimp) then Daniel and I headed over to the David Crowder concert. We ended the night at Kenny Mango's, a neighborhood coffeehouse, and had lots of great discussion along the way. It was a good night and I thank God for the chance to spend some true quality time with my son. As much as I enjoyed being with Daniel, that's really not what tonight's post is about - it's just the frame that the picture is in.

Since I have been on sabbatical I have experienced "church" in some different ways and in some different places - from retreat centers, to an outdoor church in Kauai, to my upstairs "sacred space" to a neighboring church to - tonight - a David Crowder concert. I am old enough to remember when people were totally shocked by a Petra concert at Huntsville High School in 1983 (I was thrilled beyond words) and to remember when Christians were less expressive, shall we say, in their worship. Raising your hands meant you were "one of those holy rollers". And dancing? No way! Because I can remember the "before", I am much more appreciative of the "after". Tonight we went to a Crowder concert at Huntsville First Baptist, a fairly traditional and formal church. The place was filled with people from all different denominations, and of all ages, worshiping God freely and loudly.

Leading Worship Through Tragedy

Please forgive the length of this post - it's a story I hope you will take the time to read.

There are times of leading worship that I will never forget. Some are really high moments, times when I felt like our whole church was unified in praise, focused on celebrating Jesus with all that we have. But the most memorable times of leading worship for me have been in the wake of tragedy. Leading worship following 9-11 was stunning and literally brought me to my knees. But it was in leading worship following the death of a longtime friend, who was also our pastor’s wife, that I came to more fully understand the hope we find in worshiping God when it seems that all hell has broken loose around us.

My friend died on a Saturday night, taking her own life after a long and bitter battle with mental illness. I really hesitate to say that but I don’t think you can understand the rest of this without knowing that, and our former pastor has given me permission to share this experience with you. To die is one thing, to have someone who is a believer, a friend, a wife, a mother choose to leave you via death is another thing entirely. It affects you in a much different way and leaves more than grief in it’s wake. Suicide leaves questions, fear, anger, feelings of betrayal, confusion, feelings of guilt and so many more negative emotions for us left behind to deal with. If you were around, perhaps this rings true for you – I know that I still struggle with these feelings.

She died on a Saturday night, and I spent all  that night first on the scene with family, then calling people, meeting with church members and trying to figure out what we would do for our two services in the morning as we had to tell our church body. I can remember how strange it was to walk into church late that night where many friends had gathered to pray and to realize that they were looking to me for answers. And I was terrified to open my mouth because I didn’t know what to say or how to answer people’s deepest questions. One moment stands out very clearly – a dear friend of mine grabbed my hand as we prayed and whispered quietly, “God, you are still good.” That encapsulated what leading worship would be like for me in the following days – I clung to that truth like a life raft. I realized that although I had no explanations to heal our hearts, no words that would make the pain go away, I could give one gift – the gift of pointing our church family to the continued truth of God’s goodness. To be honest, many things about that morning are a blur - each moment was seen through a veil of tears and pain. I literally almost passed out in rehearsal because I cried so hard and wondered if I could really do this. I struggled to remember my role as a minister. But God met with us in an incredibly sweet way that morning in each service. It was probably one of our more meaningful times of worship. As a worship leader, I felt that I was more than a leader of worship - in that moment my role was more of a distributor of hope. People sat with their heads bowed, their countenance so sad and dismayed and full of grief. As they sang of the goodness of God and lived out the truth of the verse that says “yet will I praise You”, I felt like we were literally reaching out and lifting up people’s faces, causing them to gaze not at this awful situation, but into the face of the Almighty and Ever Present God. Together we remembered that God is indeed still good and I saw their expressions change from fear and grief to hope and expectation. God was with us.

As we planned the funeral we determined that we were going to worship God. And I can confidently say that we did. It wasn’t easy - it was the hardest set of worship I have ever led. I worried that my team would fall apart. If one of us could not carry on, another stepped up. I don’t mean to sound trite, and believe me, it wasn’t – but we purposed in those moments to point to God alone and somehow we made it through and led worship with as much grace and authenticity as we could. I've never been prouder of our team. I can clearly remember family and church member’s faces as they sang of God’s goodness, the reality of eternity with our Savior, raised their hands and cried out to God. We did not celebrate my friend’s death, but we did celebrate the hope and love of the One she is now with.

It is easy to lead worship on Easter. Everyone wants to party that day. It is easy to lead worship when we all “feel the Spirit” and are rejoicing. But it is much harder to lead worship when we have such heavy questions and grief swirling around inside us that we are unsure that we can even continue to stand, much less praise God. In those moments we have to ask our selves, “What do I truly believe about God?” and “Do I really mean what I am singing?”. It's a gut check. I’ve never felt the weight of leading worship like I did at this time and in the weeks that followed. I “grew up” as a minister of worship in those moments.

I thank God for my friend. We lost her to illness long before we lost her to actual death. I do not rejoice in her death but I do rejoice in this one thing – that she is in the presence of her King, her Savior, who makes all things new - and I know she is worshiping Him. Her death has taken me on a journey of seeking God more and more.

3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." 5 He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" (Rev. 21:3-5)

Lord Jesus, come quickly.

Sabbatical Update May 2, 2008

Today, as I celebrate my personal day of Sabbath, I wanted to "rest" from serious writing and simply share with you a sabbatical update and share some prayer requests with you. As you know if you are a frequent reader, I spent the first Sunday of my time away in the Chicago area at a retreat center with the retreat group I am so fortunate to be a part of. I spent Sunday morning digging into "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" and "Sacred Rhythms", praying for my family, and writing the first draft of the song, "Invitation", that I shared in yesterday's post. I came home Tuesday night and have focused the rest of this week on three very basic things:

1) Exercising regularly and making that a priority in my life. My goal is to walk at LEAST 4 miles a day, preferably more. I put my iPod on and away I go. I enjoy that time away, alone with God and my thoughts - the peacefulness of this time is therapeutic as well. Honoring the body God has given me is a spiritual discipline I am working to get a handle on.

2) Simplifying my life, purposefully resting and taking my time in order to hear from God. I find that I am at a loss without a long "to-do" list. I carried this horrible habit right on into my sabbatical! I mentioned this last week, but I really had to just delete many things I hoped to accomplish such as tasks around the house and focus on relationships and slowing down a bit more. I did get a couple of closets cleaned out but I only do those things when I just really want to. My focus is on being with God, resting and my family. I think this challenge is bigger than this so who knows what else God will show me about this area of my life.

3) Learning more about myself. I've noticed alot of things about myself the beginning of my sabbatical and this past retreat and I'm trying to take note, learn from it and make any shifts that God directs. Going at life at a more leisurely pace makes room for thoughtful introspection and prayer that is missing in a more fast-paced life. One day I may share what I have learned. Maybe!

You can pray for me in these ways particularly:

1) That I will be guided by God in what I choose to do each day. I felt so behind here at home that I thought I had to catch up and so I struggle with all of the things that are "undone" around me. Yet I know that the work God desires to do in my life is so much bigger than a closet or cabinet cleaned out! So I struggle to remain sensitive to God's voice and promptings.

2) That I will learn to relax and be still more. I still find sitting still without ANYTHING to do a real challenge. However, it is in quietness and stillness that I hear from God so clearly.

3) That I will make the needed changes in my life that God is guiding me to make.

4) That I could see myself clearly - both weaknesses and strengths - and discern God's hand in my life's story so I can step into the future with joy, gratitude and wisdom.

5) That Phil and I will have a great time as we go to Kauai next week (leaving Wednesday), great safety and that our hearts will be bonded together as we relax and enjoy this wonderful place God has made.

6) As we go that our children will be safe here at home. Pray for Daniel and Philip as they take final exams next week as well.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement!

Invitation

I had planned to write about leading worship following my friend's death but I'm not quite up to that tonight. It's still quite an emotional topic for me. So I thought I would share something else. I wrote the other day that my retreat this past time was centered around the spiritual discipline of self-examination, or asking God to show us where in our lives, motivations and attitudes, thoughts, and of course, actions are simply "unlike Christ". As I prayed about this during my quiet time the morning prior to my retreat beginning I wrote a song as a prayer. It's not recorded yet, but here are the lyrics:

Invitation

(verse)

Create in me a heart that's pleasing to you

Come know me inside and out

Give me courage to pray, "here I am, have your way"

But I tremble before you now...

(chorus)

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

When there are simply no words left to pray

Here my cry to you, oh Lord

Transform all that I am in the light of your grace

(Bridge)

Invade all I am, come and see all of me

Help me rest in your love as your truth sets me free

Strip away the illusions and open my eyes

But never let me go, never let me go.....

I hope you can see my heart as well as my honest hesitancy as I wrote this prayer to God in the form of a song......maybe one day I'll record it, but for now I'm using it as a prayer and just singing it for my own self.

Thoughts on Being a Woman in Ministry

**Once again, this posting is a part of my testimony. This post in particular may be difficult for some of you to read without pouncing on the keys to debate with me. Please don't. As I have stated before, this is my own experience and testimony and I hope you will allow God to speak to you through what He has done in my life. Read prayerfully and to understand. Also, these are my own thoughts, I do not write them to represent The Brook in any way.**

I’ve thought a lot about how this experience of being a woman in ministry leadership has shaped me. It has been a difficult road for me at times. Thankfully not at this present time, but at times it has been a very confusing and painful place to live. I mentioned in an earlier post that when others – particularly pastors – said that I should not lead worship because I was woman, it was very spiritually confusing to me. It implied that what I was doing was wrong and if it was wrong, then it was in fact a sin and that thought broke my heart. That is a heavy thing to say to someone. Add to that the fact that I felt such a clear sense of calling and purpose and knew in the deepest places of my heart that God had designed me to do this and I was one confused woman at times. This confusion and absolute terror that I was doing something that was displeasing to God drove me to examine my own heart, motivations and desires and to get on my face and seek God. I dove into the Word and prayed and came to a place of true peace with being called into ministry. I don’t doubt this anymore. In fact the calling of God is something I cannot escape. I have – in bad moments – tried. The truth of the matter is that I know with almost as much certainty as I know my own name that God has called me. His voice has been so clear and I thank Him for that.

Through the years, though, there have been others that have not been as accepting and understanding of my role in ministry. For the most part I have been loved, accepted and respected and I am thankfulf for every friend and voice of encouragement along the way, but there have been notable exceptions. Many hateful things have been said to me as people voiced their disagreement. At times I have been deeply wounded and wondered if I would ever actually be able to fully use my gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. I am hopeful that those of us who “break the mold” a bit in our own setting pave the way for change in our church culture at large.

I could share forever on this topic but I wanted – as a part of my testimony – to confine this post to sharing some of my feelings over the years, some of the unique pains and some of my observations as well. Remember, I am sharing my own experiences and how God worked in my life as a result. No argumentative comments debating women in ministry please! Read to learn, understand and gain compassion please. I believe God will speak to you if you allow that. Although this list may sound really negative, God has used each one of these things to teach me.

1)      I have been most hurt not by those that simply disagree with me, but by those that equate being a woman in ministry with a sin, such as being a homosexual. That correlation has been drawn more than once as I have talked to people. Derogatory terms have been used in my presence – and by people I don’t even know or have just met! This equating of being a woman serving in ministry to an obvious act of sinful behavior has wounded me deeply because my first desire is to obey and honor God. I believe it must wound God’s heart as well – because He created all of the women in the world – and He did it in His image.

2)      I am further appalled that those who profess to both love and know Christ have been so very hateful in the name of God in defending their position. There is something very wrong about that. I find it amazing that in judging what they perceive to be a sin in another’s life, they themselves are very willing to act in sinful and ungodly ways.

3)      Whenever an issue would arise that revolved around my role in ministry it chipped away at my heart a little bit more. It's hard to be the source of contention simply because of your gender. It is – all at once – embarrassing, humiliating and guilt-producing. Please don’t take that as an admission of guilt. Women are notorious for carrying “false guilt”. Whenever someone got upset and went into see the pastor about my role, I felt horrible about it. I wondered if I should quit just to make peace. It’s a terrible feeling and I wanted so badly for someone to look at my heart, not at my gender.

4)      I have struggled with feeling like I am “almost a minister” – willingly used but for many years never truly affirmed. Titles and responsibilities have been questioned and argued, my ordination was a source of great concern for some, my being allowed to teach was debated by many. In many ways I felt as if I was not truly a minister, except in my heart - and I longed to be used by God.  I did not feel legitimized by the church (huge point here) and this left me feeling confused, used, resentful and hungry to know that what I did really mattered for eternity.    

5)      Because I so desperately longed to prove that I could do my job and because I was so fearful of being replaced, I became a workaholic. I let other’s view of my life shape me far too much. I admit that this was wrong. I am by nature a people pleaser and I hate conflict and I so desperately desired affirmation in my role that I overworked and cared far too much what others thought. This is an area of my life where God has been working overtime!

6)      One of my very best guy friends told me once, “Jan, just by doing your job you force people to face their own prejudice and preconceived ideas– and that is never easy or fun.” Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it.

7) I worried for many years because I do not lead like most men I know. At first I saw this as a lacking on my part, but now I see that I just approach things from a different perspective and in my own personal manner. I have learned that my "femaleness" has uniquely positive things to offer in leadership. I am now happy being myself as I do my job!

8) I carried a chip on my shoulder for quite a while and had to repent of that. I am getting a glimpse of God's heart for us - true unity and community and loving respect. What a great model for the world that does not know Jesus!

There is so much more that I could share but I must stop here for now. I pray that as you read you will seek to understand this pain and how God has used it in my life to grow me, strengthen me, challenge me, stretch me and help me gain the wisdom I need. I do want to say that I love serving at The Brook. I am treated with the utmost respect and care. I thank God that I serve at a church where we are all honored because Christ is in us all and “therefore there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28) I am deeply grateful for this gift. Through these precious friends the love of Christ has healed me in deep ways. Thank you, my church family, for being patient with me on this journey.

Can God Use Even Me? My Testimony Part 2

**Once again, just want to encourage you to read my testimony with an open heart. I don't want us to get sidetracked with debates over issues so please keep your comments positive and on topic. I hope God speaks to you through my story.**

If you want to listen to what I shared in church on Sunday, just go here and click on the audio for "The Struggle to Rest". My part starts at about 39 minutes. I also wanted to share a few pictures from my Sending Service. My post for today is below!

                                                            

(Continued from yesterday)

Well, not long after this our little church plant voted to close it’s doors. We weren’t growing and had been in existence almost 4 years. We were a part of the 80% of church plants that simply do not make it. The day after we voted to do this, a friend called Phil and asked him how much they would have to pay me to come lead worship at a new church plant being planned for the Madison area. Phil told him to double my salary and we’d come. (I wasn’t being paid so this wasn’t hard!) Although Phil was eager to jump on board, I was not so eager. At this point in time I didn’t really trust pastors. There, I’ve said it. I had a very poor opinion of senior pastors and was terrified of entering ministry again, particularly in a church plant. I’d been there, done that, got the badge, tshirt and plaque. “No thank you” was my first reply. I had had my fill of leading worship then running back and keeping the nursery, then running back to lead worship again. I knew what it was like to try to run a ministry on no money at all or if money was needed, it had to come out of my own pocket. I had no confidence it would work out and I was exhausted and tired. I didn’t want to start all over again. I was afraid of being hurt again. For the first time in my life I WANTED to go join a church and sit quietly on the back pew. I had been burned and didn’t want to venture anywhere near that source of pain. And honestly, I’d lost confidence in myself as well. I thought if I was their only option they must be really bad off! But as Phil and I began to pray about it I began to see that this invitation was not simply from a long time friend but from the heart of God Himself. I finally said a very scared and timid “yes” to God and wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into. Even though I wanted to, I could not sit on the sidelines in fear forever because I could not deny God’s calling on my life. I couldn’t ignore the thunder of God’s calling to my heart. And as I responded in obedience God took me on a journey that is still not completed – a journey of healing, of stretching and growing me in ways I never could have imagined, of learning to trust again and perhaps most importantly, of seeing how He designed me for His purposes. When we started The Brook (formerly Willowbrook West Worship Center – yes it’s a mouthful and I don’t know what we were thinking!) our praise team consisted of one guitar and about four pretty terrified vocalists. And then there was me. I was absolutely petrified of failing again, of any man who could sing or play guitar walking through the door and replacing me. My confidence was shot and I was struggling to trust again and that was a fun dynamic to bring to the group. And have I mentioned I STILL had no idea what I was doing? I felt like someone launched me on this wild roller coaster ride and I couldn’t catch my breath. But amazingly enough God moved in a remarkable way. In spite of us, in spite of my own inexperience and fear, God used us. The only experience that has stretched me more than the last ten years in ministry is becoming a mother. Wow! The learning curve was quite steep and I was constantly challenged to move to new levels and learn new skills. Now I laugh and say I’m no longer nervous leading worship because I have simply made every mistake you can possibly make and lived to tell about it so there is nothing left to fear. But through it all I’ve grown. I think I’ve grown more into the woman God desires me to be as I’ve clung tightly to Him because I surely did not have the talent and ability to do it on my own – I hope I’ve matured and developed and grown as a servant leader and minister. I know I am more confident of my calling, and maybe most importantly, I know more of what I don’t know. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? You know, I’ve always sort of mourned that I don’t have a dynamic personality or a spectacular voice. I’ve regretted that I’m not really good at playing any instrument except shaker and tambourine. (that was a joke) I’ve felt woefully inadequate every single day (possibly every hour) I’ve served God as a minister. I’ve wondered at times what in the world God was thinking when He asked me to do this thing. Surely there is someone more capable, exciting, anointed, experienced and talented! At times I’ve thought my only real abilities were writing notes and taking care of people and making cookies. These hardly seemed to be the ingredients for the making of a mighty woman of God in my mind. Why did God call me to ministry? I honestly do not know. I only know He did. I’m trusting Him to use me as He sees fit. Thankfully the Bible is full of people just like me! Perhaps my lack of overwhelming natural talent has kept me humbly seeking Him. Perhaps He uses even my lack. That is a comforting thought to me.

Tomorrow I'll be sharing some about being a woman in ministry leadership. I think this thing is going to take longer than a week but I hope you'll stay with me and continue to read!

God, Are You Sure You Meant ME?

**This is my testimony. I hope you will read it with an open and loving heart. Please understand that as I write I am not interested in a debate over theological issues, ministry issues, or anything else so please refrain from those types of comments. This blog in particular touches on the issue of women in leadership and I ask that this issue not be debated here at this time. I am simply sharing my story and what God has taught me as I have walked through life. I pray that God will touch your heart somehow and that you will find a connection to your own journey with Christ. Read to learn and understand and grow together.**

I promised you I would unpack my testimony a bit more this week but I'm going to dive right into when I first started leading worship. If you have never read my "birth story" about how I came to know Christ and was called to ministry it's already posted on my blog and you can read it here. That should give you the background you need for this next part of my story. This part of my story begins 14 years ago, so it's a bit of a rewind.

When I was about 28 years old Phil and I began to look for a new church. This was in about 1994 I think. This was very painful for me. I had left friends and I was grieving this change in my life. I had served blissfully on our praise team for eight years and enjoyed my role on the back row of the stage. I didn’t long for anything more as a vocalist. I loved singing BGVs and considered it a privilege to sing at all. Can I say that at this point in my life becoming a worship leader had NEVER entered my mind?! During this time, I wondered if we would end up in a bigger church and I could not imagine tapping the worship leader on the shoulder and saying, “Oh, by the way, I sing. Would you let me sing with you?” I just thought that perhaps I would sit quietly in the pews for this next era of my life and Phil even jokingly said, “You can sing for me and the kids!”. (This didn’t make me feel better by the way) At this point I honestly thought I would never sing again. When I look back at myself at that time I just laugh. I had such a limited view not only of God but of life in general. I wanted to use this passion of mine for God’s glory and I connect with God in a very deep way when I worship Him. I couldn’t imagine NEVER using my voice for Him again. Well, we searched and searched, trying to find a church. We finally settled on a little church that was just starting out. This was the first time I had ever heard of a “church plant”. We were excited although there were maybe just 20 people there. We thought we had found what we most wanted and were excited to be a part of this new beginning. I had determined that I would NOT tell anyone I was a vocalist. If God wanted me to sing, He would bring it to pass was my logic here. (I didn’t say it was GOOD logic, but this was my thought process) Well, God intervened through my husband Phil and before long I was asked to lead worship at this little church plant that was meeting in a Seventh Day Adventist school. I will just stop right here and tell you – I had no idea what I was doing. None. Whatsoever. At all. And all of you “real” worship leaders out there that lead from an instrument will laugh at this – I led worship to tracks! And yes, it was awful. Just me, a tape player and Phil on the sound board. I shudder when I think about it. While I play both piano and guitar I don’t play either one well enough to be confident in leading while playing. (Besides I like to walk around and raise my hands too much!) But even though it was awful in some ways and even though I thought I might truly hurl all over the front row the first time I led, it was a profound moment for me. I felt God’s pleasure in a very strong way as I led worship, even in these less than perfect circumstances. I didn’t have any training or experience as a leader, I had no team, I had no mentor but what I did have was a white hot passion to see others engage with God and worship Him. You see, that is how God had been working in my life. I can only vaguely remember a handful of sermons that I have ever heard, but I can remember God speaking to me over and over during worship very vividly. I was a passionate worshiper and was learning so much as I worshiped God – I longed to see this happen in other’s lives as well. My method of leading at that time – if it can be called that – was simply to worship and encounter God and hope others would come along for the party. Over the next three years our “team” grew to include a couple of musicians and a few vocalists. We did simple songs, had no budget, and used an overhead projector. There were no bells and whistles. But we had a great time and we enjoyed one another and began to grow as worshipers as well. I thought God was at work and I was thrilled to be along for the ride.

One day it all seemed to crumble for me - I hit a wall in ministry that had never entered my thoughts: our church leadership made the decision that a woman could not hold this position of leadership. So I had to step down. I was embarrassed and humiliated beyond words. Our church was never told the truth – only that I was “taking a break” – and that hurt even more. I was faced with some difficult decisions and my entire team threatened to leave the church if I didn’t stay on the team as a member. I felt very alone as I wrestled and struggled because I was so embarrassed that I never really spoke to anyone about it. I struggled with being sure of my calling. I struggled to know if I could, in fact, even discern God’s voice at all. I had thought I had heard God’s voice so clearly, but if this group of men was correct then I had been really deluded! I felt God’s pleasure in such a deep way as I led worship so if it was unbiblical for me to do so, then what did those feelings and leadings mean? Was I just crazy? I struggled to believe my pastor. What if there really was some other reason? What if this was just an excuse and I really just wasn’t good enough? I struggled with my attitude and to keep a pure heart before God. I wanted desperately to submit to my pastor and remain in worship ministry but inside I struggled with painful wounds and anger and resentment. I struggled mightily to forgive. And I would struggle for at least 10 years with how this impacted the way I see myself.

In some ways I felt as if this was a test and my response was hugely important. I can remember God saying “Jan, I don’t hold you responsible for what someone does to you, but you are responsible for your own response to them.” As I prayed I can remember hearing God say “There are better things to come”. (I couldn’t even envision what that might mean, but I just kept trying to follow God.) So I waited, and I submitted – not perfectly, but with great effort – and God was with me all during that struggle. I dealt with some aspects of it more easily than others and the impact of this event on my life has been huge, but God faithfully led me through every area of this wondering, struggling, wrestling and questioning. This was a moment of refinement for me, a chance to truly seek God about my calling from Him, to dig into His word and be sure of what I believe and it was a bit of a taste of some things I would encounter eventually as a vocational minister. Looking back I clearly see God’s hand in this situation. Although I felt like it, I was never truly alone. This was preparation for the next phase of my life in ministry. God used this time and these events in my life in ways I could have never dreamed or imagined. I'll share more later on how I feel God used this for good.

Tomorrow...Chapter 2 - We get the call from The Brook! Stay Tuned!

Feelin' the Love!

Well to say that I feel overwhelmingly loved is an understatement. I have felt surrounded by prayers and the love of my church family this past week. Precious friends have written me cards, which I love and read over and over. I am going to post them on the wall during this time of sabbatical so I can see them and be reminded in a concrete way of the love and prayers of my church family and friends. Friday night the praise team gathered at the home of my sweet friends, Robert and Christie Ross. We had chocolate desserts and a meaningful time of worship led by my co-worker, dear friend and trailer mate :), Josh Britt. There is not a more beautiful sound than the sound of praise to God and it is even more precious when I hear the voices of those I love and live life with. With Christie singing on one side of me and Phil holding my handing and singing on the other it was a touching moment for me. Afterwards I was taken to a side room and my friends and teammates all came in one by one and prayed over me. I can't describe what this was like for me. It was simply beautiful and touched me in the deepest part of my heart. We sat and wept together and as I heard their words of love, thanksgiving, and their intercessions for me, I just felt covered by love. It was very healing for me and I thank God for those peaceful moments and loving prayers. A big thank you to Stacy, Christie, Robert and Josh for planning this for me.

This morning was my "Sending Service(s)" at church and I woke up rather early with butterflies in my stomach and last minute anxieties that I am prone to. I was looking forward to today but I was also a bit nervous and weepy. I was a little concerned about sharing my story so openly. There was a very bittersweet feeling to the entire morning for me because I will miss my church family. However, I do feel like God moved in a deep way. Our times of worship together were sweet. People seemed to really engage with God. My in-laws and my parents both came to share the day with me and some old friends came and joined us to see me off on this adventure of sabbatical. Once again I felt surrounded by love. As I shared my story, people were attentive and I could see that they could identify with aspects of my journey and struggles. As I shared my own grief and struggle through pain and need to rest, I could see that resonate with people. I watched as people who I know have gone through very tough times sat and nodded their heads, cried many tears, and with a look we said to one another, "I understand."

Then I had the most beautiful moments of the whole morning. In each service 4 very dear friends were asked to pray over me and to affirm me. This was such a precious surprise for me and I couldn't have asked for anything more meaningful to me. Some were members of my team, some were friends in our church that I have walked with for many years, and some were new friends that God is using in my life as well. They all encouraged me in the Lord, spoke such sweet and kind words about me, and prayed God's word over me. This is a gift I will cherish and carry with me the rest of my life because it is truly an eternal gift that touched my soul. Thank you Stacy, Linda, Ray, Wendel, Dean, Mark and Cheryl for this gift from your heart to mine.

As I lined up to say goodbye to friends I thought how wonderful it was to have this moment to look back on. I will carry these memories with me and as I travel and as I seek God, these dear friends will go with me in spirit through their prayers and love. Today I felt the nearness and physical presence of Christ in the touch of my brothers and sisters. To my family at The Brook - thank you for ministering to me. God used you to surround me with "tender mercies and loving kindness". (Psalm 103)

Tonight I feel one overwhelming emotion - I am thankful that I am loved. 

**Keep reading! I'll be sharing each day a segment of my testimony and elaborating a bit more than I was able to this morning! Comment to let me know you're keeping up!**

Sending Service on Sunday and Prayer Requests

Hey, check out this video - I finally made it on youtube thanks to the camera work and skills of the great Josh! I hope that if you are in the Madison area this Sunday, April 20th you'll join us at The Brook. Watch for more details, then read on for some special prayer requests.

This Sunday promises to be a meaningful time for not only myself, but also for our church family. I hope to see you there!

As I prepare for this time of sabbatical here are a few specific ways you can pray for me:

Please pray that this three month period will be a time of great rest and healing for me and that I will return to ministry filled with the strength and fullness of Christ. Specific prayer requests include:

1)      That I will be able to reconnect in a meaningful way with my family and close friends.

2)      That I will learn from God! I am reminded of the story of Mary sitting at the feet of Jesus learning and worshiping and not “doing”, but “being”. Pray that I will clearly hear the voice of the Lord during this time in my life.

3)      That I will set appropriate boundaries so that I can live in a more healthy manner when I re-enter ministry in August.

4)      Pray that I will learn more about who I am in Christ Jesus and how He has created me for His glorious purposes. I want to be used by God as HE desires.

5)   Pray for healing from past wounds and for the gaining of wisdom as I process the past.

I invite you to read my blog next week as I unpack my testimony of the past two years in more detail than is possible on a Sunday morning. I look forward to sharing with you and hope that you will find it inspiring to you in your journey with Christ as well.