Thoughts on Being a Woman in Ministry

**Once again, this posting is a part of my testimony. This post in particular may be difficult for some of you to read without pouncing on the keys to debate with me. Please don't. As I have stated before, this is my own experience and testimony and I hope you will allow God to speak to you through what He has done in my life. Read prayerfully and to understand. Also, these are my own thoughts, I do not write them to represent The Brook in any way.**

I’ve thought a lot about how this experience of being a woman in ministry leadership has shaped me. It has been a difficult road for me at times. Thankfully not at this present time, but at times it has been a very confusing and painful place to live. I mentioned in an earlier post that when others – particularly pastors – said that I should not lead worship because I was woman, it was very spiritually confusing to me. It implied that what I was doing was wrong and if it was wrong, then it was in fact a sin and that thought broke my heart. That is a heavy thing to say to someone. Add to that the fact that I felt such a clear sense of calling and purpose and knew in the deepest places of my heart that God had designed me to do this and I was one confused woman at times. This confusion and absolute terror that I was doing something that was displeasing to God drove me to examine my own heart, motivations and desires and to get on my face and seek God. I dove into the Word and prayed and came to a place of true peace with being called into ministry. I don’t doubt this anymore. In fact the calling of God is something I cannot escape. I have – in bad moments – tried. The truth of the matter is that I know with almost as much certainty as I know my own name that God has called me. His voice has been so clear and I thank Him for that.

Through the years, though, there have been others that have not been as accepting and understanding of my role in ministry. For the most part I have been loved, accepted and respected and I am thankfulf for every friend and voice of encouragement along the way, but there have been notable exceptions. Many hateful things have been said to me as people voiced their disagreement. At times I have been deeply wounded and wondered if I would ever actually be able to fully use my gifts and abilities for the Kingdom of God. I am hopeful that those of us who “break the mold” a bit in our own setting pave the way for change in our church culture at large.

I could share forever on this topic but I wanted – as a part of my testimony – to confine this post to sharing some of my feelings over the years, some of the unique pains and some of my observations as well. Remember, I am sharing my own experiences and how God worked in my life as a result. No argumentative comments debating women in ministry please! Read to learn, understand and gain compassion please. I believe God will speak to you if you allow that. Although this list may sound really negative, God has used each one of these things to teach me.

1)      I have been most hurt not by those that simply disagree with me, but by those that equate being a woman in ministry with a sin, such as being a homosexual. That correlation has been drawn more than once as I have talked to people. Derogatory terms have been used in my presence – and by people I don’t even know or have just met! This equating of being a woman serving in ministry to an obvious act of sinful behavior has wounded me deeply because my first desire is to obey and honor God. I believe it must wound God’s heart as well – because He created all of the women in the world – and He did it in His image.

2)      I am further appalled that those who profess to both love and know Christ have been so very hateful in the name of God in defending their position. There is something very wrong about that. I find it amazing that in judging what they perceive to be a sin in another’s life, they themselves are very willing to act in sinful and ungodly ways.

3)      Whenever an issue would arise that revolved around my role in ministry it chipped away at my heart a little bit more. It's hard to be the source of contention simply because of your gender. It is – all at once – embarrassing, humiliating and guilt-producing. Please don’t take that as an admission of guilt. Women are notorious for carrying “false guilt”. Whenever someone got upset and went into see the pastor about my role, I felt horrible about it. I wondered if I should quit just to make peace. It’s a terrible feeling and I wanted so badly for someone to look at my heart, not at my gender.

4)      I have struggled with feeling like I am “almost a minister” – willingly used but for many years never truly affirmed. Titles and responsibilities have been questioned and argued, my ordination was a source of great concern for some, my being allowed to teach was debated by many. In many ways I felt as if I was not truly a minister, except in my heart - and I longed to be used by God.  I did not feel legitimized by the church (huge point here) and this left me feeling confused, used, resentful and hungry to know that what I did really mattered for eternity.    

5)      Because I so desperately longed to prove that I could do my job and because I was so fearful of being replaced, I became a workaholic. I let other’s view of my life shape me far too much. I admit that this was wrong. I am by nature a people pleaser and I hate conflict and I so desperately desired affirmation in my role that I overworked and cared far too much what others thought. This is an area of my life where God has been working overtime!

6)      One of my very best guy friends told me once, “Jan, just by doing your job you force people to face their own prejudice and preconceived ideas– and that is never easy or fun.” Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it.

7) I worried for many years because I do not lead like most men I know. At first I saw this as a lacking on my part, but now I see that I just approach things from a different perspective and in my own personal manner. I have learned that my "femaleness" has uniquely positive things to offer in leadership. I am now happy being myself as I do my job!

8) I carried a chip on my shoulder for quite a while and had to repent of that. I am getting a glimpse of God's heart for us - true unity and community and loving respect. What a great model for the world that does not know Jesus!

There is so much more that I could share but I must stop here for now. I pray that as you read you will seek to understand this pain and how God has used it in my life to grow me, strengthen me, challenge me, stretch me and help me gain the wisdom I need. I do want to say that I love serving at The Brook. I am treated with the utmost respect and care. I thank God that I serve at a church where we are all honored because Christ is in us all and “therefore there is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28) I am deeply grateful for this gift. Through these precious friends the love of Christ has healed me in deep ways. Thank you, my church family, for being patient with me on this journey.

Comments

[Alison]

Good for you for being honest! Don't you feel better now? ;) Love you.

[JohnnyJ]

Do I even have to say anything? Didn't think so.

Love and respect, sister.

[vicki]

What a great blog. I just read an article in a journal called "Christian Ethics Today" The article's title,"Women in Christian Ministry" was written by Fisher Humphreys, Beeson Divinity School. It was from a book called "Putting Women in their Place". The publisher is Smyth and Helwys. I am giving you all this because as a woman in ministry it will validate you and encourage you. It was a real eye opener for me and since it is Baptist(we Baptist are way behind in getting this idea that everyone can minister), it especially got my attention. The article named many women leaders in the Bible and spoke to Jesus'attitude toward women. It is definately worth checking out. Hang in there sister, when God calls you , it really doesn't matter what other people think.

[Jenni Catron]

Thank you for your story! It's great to find another women in church leadership from whom I can learn and grow. Thank you!

[tony]

good stuff

[Heidi]

What a great and thought provoking post. The bias against what a woman's role is "supposed" to be does not exist just in ministry, it happens in the average work place to. Having been there, I know what a hard place it is to work in. Thank you for sharing.

[Amanda]

In looking back over your past posts, this one I remember well. It reminds me that we've got to stand where God calls us, but that it is definitely not easy (which I'm learning A LOT here lately!) This really stands out to me personally:

"Being a forerunner in many ways is an uncomfortable place to be. To challenge the status quo or people’s cultural norms is just not a path I would have chosen. But I see God using it."

Thank you for all your authenticity and open heart in all your share, Jan. You are such a blessing and I'm glad to have found your blog! :)